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Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:03:48 PM

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Hello, my dom and I are new at this and we have had a couple of great play times. In our vanilla life I was the aggressor and I don't want to be in our D/s life.
We have talked this through we have agreed on safe words and I completely trust him. I noticed in our last play that he was showing a little more aggression. I want him to enjoy this and want him to give it all he has.
I am glad he is taking this very slowly because it has forsed me to seek more info on it and I learned I was completely wrong wanting to jump into this with out knowing anything about it!
Am I being to impatient? I did tell him I was ok with him bumping the speed up a notch!
Are there any books or web sites that I should have him read?

RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:05:43 PM

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Ask him. How would we have any clue?

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:07:54 PM

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Bella, you say that you completely trust him. That doesn't only mean that you trust him to keep you safe - it also means that you trust him to do things his way and for his enjoyment.

Give him the keys. Let him drive.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:09:30 PM

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If you are both new, I'd say the books and websites could be a shared resource. There are some folks with great book lists and such in their profiles, but I suck at doing links, so hopefully someone else will post a few.

The safeword this is a double edged sword, so be careful. It may be something that helps him feel like he can keep you safe better and so is able to let out a little bit more. It can also be that he is putting your safety in your hands and just letting loose. This is no good if he happens to push you over into subspace. It is entirely possible you will be so far beyond done that you can't even remember your safeword, much less say it. He needs to still be monitoring you, watching for signs of negative distress, and controlling himself and the scene. A safeword is, at best, a back up plan, but it is not meant to be the primary means of insuring your safety. Please play safe.

lovingpet

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:11:41 PM

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Besides here?

Books "Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns"
"Erotic Bondage"
"S & M 101"
"The Loving Dominant"

Most importantly if he's 30 years old, he's had 30 years of people telling him in every possible way that hitting girls is abusive. Getting over that indoctrination and learning that hitting girls when they like it is okay is not something that you learn in a week.

You don't need to be the aggressor but it will help if you would ask, not demand, things and thank him for it. So you could come out naked, drape yourself over his lap and ask him to spank you. You'll get a light spanking followed by sex probably. Not the spanking of your dreams. What you want to do is tell him afterwards, in phone calls, texts etc that you're thinking about it and getting wet. And would he please do it again real soon only harder and longer next time. And so on.

You want him to learn that him taking the reins is a good thing and gets a great reaction, in this case naked female pleading to be fucked. Which is basic positive reinforcement.

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:36:54 PM

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I was here not to long ago. But I was the Dom. From my point of view, you're doing the right thing. Just keep talking to him and let him know he hasn't pushed to far, and that if he does. Not only will you use the safeword, but also, that doing so wont end your relationship. That was my biggest fear, that if I pushed her to that point it would end it.

Also, try not to get too impatiant. He has no way to tell for 100% sure how close he is to pushing too far. I know it can be agravating, but isntead of letting it get to you, think of it as he is taking his time because he cares. My biggest suggestion, create not just safewords, but also a go word. Something that if you say it, he knows he's not too close to your limit, and he can step it up some more. Choose something that really gets him going in some way. For me it was her saying "fucking sadist", simply cus pain was a large part of our dynamic. Creating a go word will allow him to feel safer and more secure in his actions. And with that comes confidence, which is what he's building.

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:46:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shenshinoman
My biggest suggestion, create not just safewords, but also a go word. Something that if you say it, he knows he's not too close to your limit, and he can step it up some more. Choose something that really gets him going in some way. For me it was her saying "fucking sadist", simply cus pain was a large part of our dynamic. Creating a go word will allow him to feel safer and more secure in his actions. And with that comes confidence, which is what he's building.

Good point. You can also use the stoplight system:

Green means step it up.
Yellow means hold it about there.
Red means stop or step it down.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to shenshinoman)

RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 3:49:58 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Good point. You can also use the stoplight system:

Green means step it up.
Yellow means hold it about there.
Red means stop or step it down.

agreed, the stop-light system is a rather effective system. I just know some subs, when they enter subspace, need something more directly connected with what is going on to remeber what the words are. On the other hand, some need it to be seperate. Which-ever works for you, make use of it. If you're of the first version I mentioned, simply replace the colors with what-ever feels and/or comes natural to you.

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 5:22:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shenshinoman

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Good point. You can also use the stoplight system:

Green means step it up.
Yellow means hold it about there.
Red means stop or step it down.

agreed, the stop-light system is a rather effective system. I just know some subs, when they enter subspace, need something more directly connected with what is going on to remeber what the words are. On the other hand, some need it to be seperate. Which-ever works for you, make use of it. If you're of the first version I mentioned, simply replace the colors with what-ever feels and/or comes natural to you.

Can always go the route of using color associated words, Kiwi, Banana, Tomato/Apple. Shows you have to think about them and sounds out of context, keeping it easier to identify.

(in reply to shenshinoman)

RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 6:45:14 PM

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this is in response to aileen1968:

your comments were unnecessary and rude. The young lady wrote for advice and instead of trying to help, you jump in with both feet to ridicule her. Sometimes , a slave or submissive wants to seek the advice of others without making a big deal of it. Most slaves or submissives dont like confrontations and maybe that is why she sought advice here rather than anywhere else. Whatever the reason, I am going to assume that you wrote that message to build up your hammers by posting more. In the future, try to take others feelings into consideration before you post something rude. Here is an old saying 'if you dont have nothing nice to say, then dont say anything at all'....maybe that rings a bell.

slave Bella:

To you I say, you have received alot of good advice with the exception of one and all the suggestions sound wonderful. Hope some of it helps you......we all are new at some point

To everyone else:

I am sorry for taking up space but my biggest pet peeve on this forum is people using this space as an excuse to wreak their misery on others because they may be having a bad day. People write on these forums because they have no where else to go and ask. How sad that not only are they having an issue , but then the responses they get are hateful and unnecessary. I did try to look up the profile of aileen1968 as I was going to write a private note but the account it said cannot be found, which I am guessing that it has been closed.

ana

(in reply to anonuser)

RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 6:48:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveana

this is in response to aileen1968:

your comments were unnecessary and rude. The young lady wrote for advice and instead of trying to help, you jump in with both feet to ridicule her. Sometimes , a slave or submissive wants to seek the advice of others without making a big deal of it. Most slaves or submissives dont like confrontations and maybe that is why she sought advice here rather than anywhere else. Whatever the reason, I am going to assume that you wrote that message to build up your hammers by posting more. In the future, try to take others feelings into consideration before you post something rude. Here is an old saying 'if you dont have nothing nice to say, then dont say anything at all'....maybe that rings a bell.

How did I ridicule her? She asked when her dominant was going to become more aggressive. I said there was no way for us to know and that she should ask him. Grow up and put your big girl panties on. Was that sweet enough for you?

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 11/30/2009 10:48:44 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveana

this is in response to aileen1968:

your comments were unnecessary and rude. The young lady wrote for advice and instead of trying to help, you jump in with both feet to ridicule her. Sometimes , a slave or submissive wants to seek the advice of others without making a big deal of it. Most slaves or submissives dont like confrontations and maybe that is why she sought advice here rather than anywhere else. Whatever the reason, I am going to assume that you wrote that message to build up your hammers by posting more. In the future, try to take others feelings into consideration before you post something rude. Here is an old saying 'if you dont have nothing nice to say, then dont say anything at all'....maybe that rings a bell.

slave Bella:

To you I say, you have received alot of good advice with the exception of one and all the suggestions sound wonderful. Hope some of it helps you......we all are new at some point

To everyone else:

I am sorry for taking up space but my biggest pet peeve on this forum is people using this space as an excuse to wreak their misery on others because they may be having a bad day. People write on these forums because they have no where else to go and ask. How sad that not only are they having an issue , but then the responses they get are hateful and unnecessary. I did try to look up the profile of aileen1968 as I was going to write a private note but the account it said cannot be found, which I am guessing that it has been closed.

ana

Thank you Ana and everyone else for the advise! Oh and Ana thank you for your kind words! Although I am new to this scene I am not new to rudeness, I have learned that if you ignore them and don't acknowledge them then they have no reason to get defensive and post anything else. Which leaves them looking very stupid! Especially after all the good advise that followed! Thank you everyone!

(in reply to slaveana)

RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 3:44:09 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveBella98

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveana

this is in response to aileen1968:

your comments were unnecessary and rude. The young lady wrote for advice and instead of trying to help, you jump in with both feet to ridicule her. Sometimes , a slave or submissive wants to seek the advice of others without making a big deal of it. Most slaves or submissives dont like confrontations and maybe that is why she sought advice here rather than anywhere else. Whatever the reason, I am going to assume that you wrote that message to build up your hammers by posting more. In the future, try to take others feelings into consideration before you post something rude. Here is an old saying 'if you dont have nothing nice to say, then dont say anything at all'....maybe that rings a bell.

slave Bella:

To you I say, you have received alot of good advice with the exception of one and all the suggestions sound wonderful. Hope some of it helps you......we all are new at some point

To everyone else:

I am sorry for taking up space but my biggest pet peeve on this forum is people using this space as an excuse to wreak their misery on others because they may be having a bad day. People write on these forums because they have no where else to go and ask. How sad that not only are they having an issue , but then the responses they get are hateful and unnecessary. I did try to look up the profile of aileen1968 as I was going to write a private note but the account it said cannot be found, which I am guessing that it has been closed.

ana

Thank you Ana and everyone else for the advise! Oh and Ana thank you for your kind words! Although I am new to this scene I am not new to rudeness, I have learned that if you ignore them and don't acknowledge them then they have no reason to get defensive and post anything else. Which leaves them looking very stupid! Especially after all the good advise that followed! Thank you everyone!

Ha. Yeah ok. Sometimes "them" might have good advice, but since it's not packaged in pretty little words you can't grasp it. I still stick to my advice. You can read all of the books that you want, but if you don't sit down and have face to face with him and see if you two can understand what's going on in both of your heads (something that internet strangers have no ability to know) and see if you're even on the same page, then you're going to become even more frustrated. If you think the advice of being told to communicate is rude and awful then you're gonna have a tough time in this place....both you and ana. Good luck with that.

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 4:01:56 AM

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Aileen is correct. We aren't mind readers. We don't know if he desires to be more physically aggressive or not. Not all dominants are into s & m. The only one who knows if this secretly appeals to him is him. And you need to be able to talk to him about this and everything else or your relationship is doomed.

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(in reply to Aileen1968)

RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 5:48:45 AM

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I feel like this got caught off on the wrong foot. Aileen was being very forward and blunt. And that is not a bad thing, she has very valid points. I think what bothered the OP and ana is not what was said, but how it was said. Yes, you have a very good point that none of us are mind readers. That said, how are we supposed to know if you were saying it so short and sweet in order to promote communication, or in order to simply badger someone else.

At this point I think we can all see it was the former instead of the latter, so I hope that everyone involved can go on with their time here at CM as though this misunderstanding never occurred. I suggest that we all try and look a little deeper into meanings so we don't mis-judge a persons intent. While at the same time, instead of just saying "ask him" it might have been more readily accepted if you had pointed out initially what you stated later, that communication is key, and only the two of them can truly figure out if he wants to be more aggressive or not.

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 6:29:39 AM

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I've been posting here since the summer of 2005. Most who have been regulars of the boards know my posting style.
But once again....it's one of those cases where just because you don't like the method of delivery shouldn't mean that you don't listen to the message.
I tend to have about a bazillion windows open on my laptop at any given moment. I zip in, post quickly and zip back out. Thus the lack of paragraph upon paragraph of a response.
This post is actually way to wordy for me, but that's only because I'm taking a coffee break.
Have a nice day.

edited to add....just checked. 16 windows open on the laptop.

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 12/1/2009 6:39:23 AM >

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 6:39:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Aileen is correct. We aren't mind readers. We don't know if he desires to be more physically aggressive or not. Not all dominants are into s & m. The only one who knows if this secretly appeals to him is him. And you need to be able to talk to him about this and everything else or your relationship is doomed.

i agree with Aileen and Des...talk to him!

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 6:46:35 AM

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Shen, I do not come here to babysit. If a person is so uber sensitive that they require kid glove handling they are in the wrong place.

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 7:17:22 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveana
I am sorry for taking up space but my biggest pet peeve on this forum is people using this space as an excuse to wreak their misery on others because they may be having a bad day. People write on these forums because they have no where else to go and ask.

My biggest pet peeve are people who post questions/issues which can be solved with a cozy chat with their significant other. Sometimes the simplicity of this must be pointed out to the OP.

It always makes me think of the standard half-hour sit-com format. You know - if Lucy had just asked Ricky at the start of the show whether she could go to the club, she would have known and there would have been no show. If the problem can be solved by simple comunication, now where would all the dramazzzz be??

OP - cut to the chase and talk to him. Tell him what you desire. See if it matches with his growing desires. If it doesn't, tweak things. If it does, rock on.

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RE: Will my dom get more aggressive? - 12/1/2009 8:17:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Shen, I do not come here to babysit. If a person is so uber sensitive that they require kid glove handling they are in the wrong place.

I dont think that is what she was saying. But if we get snarky with people they can run the other way. Go to some really yucky place for guidance. That would be baaad. Im not saying one has to be the B.D.S.M. ambassador, but if they are not trolling and really new and trying to reach out for help and community....well we dont have to be pit bulls guarding the gate.

So come on Tiger put on your best dress and compassionate mothering self and bring them into the fold!

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