LadyAngelika
Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004 Status: offline
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Elan, quote:
ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued Lady Angelika, quote:
LadyAngelika to AttendToYou: You are right, there is something very primal about it. It is mental, physical, emotional. Once I've established a connection with a boy, and *only* at that moment, orgasm control is one of the first things that I request. I feel that is sets a good tone and baseline for the interactions to come. This is also something for me that requires a lot of communication. I don't just decide to deny an orgasm on a whim. The state of mind of my boy will play a lot on this. And when I impose orgasm denial for a few days, there is always a method to my madness. But I'll reiterate that this only happens once I've established a true connection and I know that the boy in question is ready for this step. Thank you for revealing why orgasm control is important to you. Admittedly, while the idea of yielding and giving something so intimate to my partner is a turn-on, I've not had many positive experiences with orgasm control. The experience that left the biggest mark is one were I was put in chastity with no warning and with no way to communicate. Surrounding this was a rule stating that any attempt to discuss my feelings or frustrations was a breach, would prolong the chastity, and was immediately punishable. I had no idea why I'd been put in chastity nor did I know what the desired outcome was. After weeks of being in chastity, I became incredibly frustrated (mentally and physically) and I felt very disconnected from my partner. Eventually, so as to release tension that was causing me difficulty thinking and difficulty performing at work, I brought myself to orgasm. So now things were worse. I had no way to communicate with my partner about the impacts of the chastity and I'd lied to my partner (by not communicating the transgression). Moving forward, the period of chastity continued for an even longer period. Eventually, I put all sexual thoughts out of my mind. My libido dropped to zero. When my partner finally decided to use me in a sexual way, she couldn't understand my complete lack of desire. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think her goal was to reduce my libido to zero and to eliminate my sexual desire for her. This was the actual effect though and it took quite a while to straighten out. (Unintended, but good pun! :-) I don't know this woman nor her motivations, but I will say that I have a hard time understanding what could be her rationale. There is an old saying "if you don't use it, you lose it" and I think that holds true for libido. I'm not surprised that your libido went out the window. And it was more than just a physical thing, it was primarily emotional, I'm sure! From my experience, the submissive boys I've met wanted to please me. They will relinquish control in the sexual relationship between them and me, but they need to feel desired. They still need to know what it is that turns me on and pushes my buttons. I've never expected that my submissive boy would never initiate play or sex. I control his orgasms, not his desire! In fact I love when he's been in chastity for a while and he starts flirting with me. Sometimes he'll find himself terribly teased, tending to my needs but no release. Sometimes it might work to his advantage and I'll let him release for me (usually in my presence and as little as possibe on his own). The way I see it is, suggestions are always welcome, but since I'm the boss, I make the final decision. quote:
It's nice to see you incorporate plenty of communication and feedback in your approach. I think this is critical with any activity, chastity or otherwise. The approach taken often turns something from a bad experience to an incredibly good one and vice versa. I can see why some women might not want to talk about it. In the first few weeks of orgasm control, there can be a lot of questions about the rules, some fears and frustration expressed by the boy, as well as some new found joy and appreciation that he feels the need to talk about. It's new, it's normal. But I can see how some women will get annoyed and think "gosh, I took control of his cock and now it's all he thinks about!" but this is something we have to work through and manage. What most women will realise is that while it is important for our dynamic to listen, we can put a time limit on the discussion. We can say "share your feelings with me" but then stop them if they start working themselves up and say "Ok... breathe. It's really just an orgasm sweetie. Now what else did you do today that didn't involve you obsessing over the loss of control of you cock and was perhaps a more productive use of your time?" Then you control also the discussion. But as much as control orgasms does not mean eliminating them, controlling discussions does not mean eliminating them neither. I incorporate plenty of communication in absolutely everything that I do. I actually personally think that it makes it hotter. It is one thing to tell a boy that he cannot come. It is another thing to have him kneel before me while I explain to him why and see him twitch, get frustrated but in time come around and learn to love the sacrifice that he is making for me. I think that when two people reach that level of deep understanding, that's when things really start getting fun! quote:
I also appreciate that you've described some of the reasons why orgasm control is important to you and why it supports a baseline in your personal and BDSM interactions. It makes so much sense when you explain it this way. Yes, I truly believe that orgasm control creates a stronger bond and sets the baseline for the relationship. However, it goes deeper than that for me. It is a very effective way to build trust. For a strong man to give up the control over his cock is huge. If he's going to do it seriously, he really has to trust me. And because I play without any physical chastity devices, I call on his inner strength and will to be obedient. He can no longer touch his cock, his balls or his bottom while his cock is in a state of erection. The rest of the time, it is fine. It is crucial at that time that I coach him on techniques of combating resistance, which is a transferable skill to any area of his life. Some boys come with already a lot of will power and some with less. In this case I need to adjust. But he has to trust me. He has to believe that I have his best interest at heart. Also, there is a popular belief that men think with their cocks. While I think that this is a gross exaggeration, it isn't completely false, but rather it varies from one man to another. Regardless, it is programmed in a man's DNA to want to spread his seed and therefore, his cock will be a major influencer. Now I tend to favour intelligent men who think with the head on their shoulders and feel with their heart. They might even have decided to silence their primal sexual urges to varying degrees in order to seek a relationship based on mental and emotional aspects. So when I control this part of a boy, he becomes even more keenly, at times painfully aware, just how much of an influence his cock has because he's no longer in control of it. This has an interesting effect as it is a way to bring him deeply in touch with his masculinity (something which is a HUGE kink of mine) and his virility. I build that power up in him, and then I make him relinquish that power to me. quote:
I wish I'd understood this (or someone had explained this to me) years ago. Of course, I realize a dominant may have specific reasons for not revealing why they are taking a certain course of action. For use s-types though, it helps immensely when we have some notion (even just an iota) of what the immediate or end goal may be. You've provided some insight and I find this very useful. I couldn't agree with you more on this point. I know that not only does it help the boy, but it helps the relationship. I find that once I explain something clearly, it stops coming up as a point of frustration. The boys that have been in my control tend to enjoy the feeling of deep submission with an equally deep sense of trust because they know that there is a method to the madness of their Lady. They also knows she cares deeply for them and all their bits ;-) quote:
Thanks for posting this. Elan. Oh it's my pleasure! Writing these posts are a form of self-reflection for me, so they help me understand my own motivations. If they can help someone else, well that is simply icing on the cake! - LA
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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove
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