Collarchat.com

Join Our Community
Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds - 12/9/2009 1:00:08 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
LOL... yup, yup... I agree with that Sea!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds - 12/10/2009 12:24:17 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline
Lady Angelika,

quote:

LadyAngelika to AttendToYou:
You are right, there is something very primal about it. It is mental, physical, emotional.  Once I've established a connection with a boy, and *only* at that moment, orgasm control is one of the first things that I request.  I feel that is sets a good tone and baseline for the interactions to come.  This is also something for me that requires a lot of communication.  I don't just decide to deny an orgasm on a whim.  The state of mind of my boy will play a lot on this.  And when I impose orgasm denial for a few days, there is always a method to my madness.  But I'll reiterate that this only happens once I've established a true connection and I know that the boy in question is ready for this step.


Thank you for revealing why orgasm control is important to you.  Admittedly, while the idea of yielding and giving something so intimate to my partner is a turn-on, I've not had many positive experiences with orgasm control.  The experience that left the biggest mark is one were I was put in chastity with no warning and with no way to communicate.  Surrounding this was a rule stating that any attempt to discuss my feelings or frustrations was a breach, would prolong the chastity, and was immediately punishable.  I had no idea why I'd been put in chastity nor did I know what the desired outcome was.  After weeks of being in chastity, I became incredibly frustrated (mentally and physically) and I felt very disconnected from my partner.  Eventually, so as to release tension that was causing me difficulty thinking and difficulty performing at work, I brought myself to orgasm.  So now things were worse.  I had no way to communicate with my partner about the impacts of the chastity and I'd lied to my partner (by not communicating the transgression).

Moving forward, the period of chastity continued for an even longer period.  Eventually, I put all sexual thoughts out of my mind.  My libido dropped to zero.  When my partner finally decided to use me in a sexual way, she couldn't understand my complete lack of desire.  Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think her goal was to reduce my libido to zero and to eliminate my sexual desire for her.  This was the actual effect though and it took quite a while to straighten out.  (Unintended, but good pun! :-)

It's nice to see you incorporate plenty of communication and feedback in your approach.  I think this is critical with any activity, chastity or otherwise.  The approach taken often turns something from a bad experience to an incredibly good one and vice versa.  I also appreciate that you've described some of the reasons why orgasm control is important to you and why it supports a baseline in your personal and BDSM interactions.  It makes so much sense when you explain it this way.  I wish I'd understood this (or someone had explained this to me) years ago.  Of course, I realize a dominant may have specific reasons for not revealing why they are taking a certain course of action.  For use s-types though, it helps immensely when we have some notion (even just an iota) of what the immediate or end goal may be.  You've provided some insight and I find this very useful.  Thanks for posting this.

Elan.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds - 12/10/2009 12:25:41 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline
Akasha,

quote:

But asking for orgasm denial early on?  I have done that.  I started doing things like that in college with guys I was just barely starting to date.  Why?  Because it's exciting.  "Don't cum until I tell you to, ok?" is flirtation to me.  It sets an interesting tone.  Do I consider it a viable way to start courting a guy?  No, not really.  It goes back to the other thread (great thread) about bending vs. breaking.  I don't like to set up rules that are unenforceable or rigid so early on that the ultimate end result is a failure of some kind.  Either the guy will lie, or he won't be able to comply, or he will have to say, "I failed you" early on -- no good outcome in any of those cases.

However, *discussing* the control of the boy's orgasm, flirting with the idea, giving "Smaller tests" is a method of seduction.  Making him 'earn' the next orgasm.  Doing everything in my power to ensure that the next time he orgasms, his thoughts will be on me - either through denial and making him earn it, or making him do it on his knees, or even making him cum while I listen or watch or participate remotely -- those are methods to start seducing his surrender to me by taking control of his cock.  I just prefer to use a method that is more subtle than, "Hi joe, you don't know me yet, but I control your cock and orgasms now, got it?"


Between you and Lady Angelika (in your respective posts), I have a whole new conception of orgasm control.  Thank you for describing how this plays out in your psyche and why you consider this seduction.  I'd never thought of this as seduction before.  It's rather delicious when you put it the way you have.  Hmmm.  Plenty to think about now!  Thank you ever so much for sharing your thoughts and triggers.

Elan.

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds - 12/10/2009 12:29:10 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline
Sea,

quote:

Akasha:
You are wrong about the magnitude.  The point is that some men will gladly follow an immediate request from a total stranger if it makes him hard and fits his fantasies.

undergroundsea:
Asking someone to write a paragraph about Mars is more likely to have a response than to ask for a 500 word essay because the former is smaller in magnitude.  Asking someone with whom one has just begun to IM to wait for five minutes and not move while one steps away is small in magnitude.  Asking someone to wait for an hour is larger in magnitude.  I might be ok with the first in most cases whereas not ok with the second unless the interest and dialog merits it.  Asking someone to do something during the course of an IM is smaller in magnitude versus something that extends across a greater duration of everyday life.  Each the progression of dialog and interest, and the magnitude of a task occur in shades of grey.  If a demand is made of me that is clearly out of proportion with the dialog, I am unlikely to respond and will likely wonder about judgment of the other.


I think you and Akasha are discussing slightly different topics, both with merit.  Regarding your discussion of magnitude, I totally agree.  While I didn't quote your entire post, your entire viewpoint resonates with me.   Akasha, on the other hand, seems to be discussing two things:  fetishists and seduction.

If online BDSM sites can be treated as a yardstick, it's clear some fetishists will follow intimidate requests from strangers.  These people are seemingly looking for a quick experience and they'll accept drive-by service from anyone.  The more interesting area of discussion (to me) is the two-way seduction that occurs between kinksters who are in some way invested in one another.  A dominant may take control of a submissive's sexuality, but in large part the submissive seduces the dominant to want to do so - at least this is my interpretation of the dynamics Akasha discusses (here and in other threads).  Each seduces the other and enhances qualities and experiences in the other.  This is very much like having a good dance partner.  Without adeptness and willingness coming from both sides, and mutual chemistry, the dance will be very clumsy indeed. :-)

Elan.

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds - 12/10/2009 9:14:36 PM   
AttendToYou


Posts: 22
Joined: 4/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha



Would other flirtatious "demands" for submission bother you? What if she ordered you to jerk off. What if she sent you her wet panties and told you to worship them. What if she described a sexual fantasy of hers in email and asked you to respond in kind - are those considered too soon also, or is it just the denial of orgasm?




The difference is that orgasm denial is truly a 24/7 activity (for the male), and seems out of scope for a relationship that is just beginning. The curious part about it is that these requests come from dommes who seem rather legit.

In response to a later post of yours, choice is a factor for everyone in the BDSM world. If someone serves it is because serving is what they want, even if the specific acts they are told to do may not be. Even the most programmed slave is probably still there because, on some level, it is what they want. So if someone only responds to a domme if their response matches their fantasy, well, I would think that is pretty normal for the beginning stages of a relationship. As time goes on and two people get to know each other, that can evolve. But if my desire is something akin to a male wife and the woman wants someone who sleeps in a cage and gets beaten every night, well, my desire to serve and submit won't help me get past that obstacle, that is simple incompatibility. If I know the woman and I have a connection with her, I may be willing to bend more to her fantasy but there is only so far anyone can bend to someone else's fantasy--unless, of course, the desire to be what someone else wants IS your fantasy.

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds - 12/11/2009 6:16:06 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
Elan,

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

Lady Angelika,

quote:

LadyAngelika to AttendToYou:
You are right, there is something very primal about it. It is mental, physical, emotional. Once I've established a connection with a boy, and *only* at that moment, orgasm control is one of the first things that I request. I feel that is sets a good tone and baseline for the interactions to come. This is also something for me that requires a lot of communication. I don't just decide to deny an orgasm on a whim. The state of mind of my boy will play a lot on this. And when I impose orgasm denial for a few days, there is always a method to my madness. But I'll reiterate that this only happens once I've established a true connection and I know that the boy in question is ready for this step.


Thank you for revealing why orgasm control is important to you. Admittedly, while the idea of yielding and giving something so intimate to my partner is a turn-on, I've not had many positive experiences with orgasm control. The experience that left the biggest mark is one were I was put in chastity with no warning and with no way to communicate. Surrounding this was a rule stating that any attempt to discuss my feelings or frustrations was a breach, would prolong the chastity, and was immediately punishable. I had no idea why I'd been put in chastity nor did I know what the desired outcome was. After weeks of being in chastity, I became incredibly frustrated (mentally and physically) and I felt very disconnected from my partner. Eventually, so as to release tension that was causing me difficulty thinking and difficulty performing at work, I brought myself to orgasm. So now things were worse. I had no way to communicate with my partner about the impacts of the chastity and I'd lied to my partner (by not communicating the transgression).

Moving forward, the period of chastity continued for an even longer period. Eventually, I put all sexual thoughts out of my mind. My libido dropped to zero. When my partner finally decided to use me in a sexual way, she couldn't understand my complete lack of desire. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think her goal was to reduce my libido to zero and to eliminate my sexual desire for her. This was the actual effect though and it took quite a while to straighten out. (Unintended, but good pun! :-)


I don't know this woman nor her motivations, but I will say that I have a hard time understanding what could be her rationale. There is an old saying "if you don't use it, you lose it" and I think that holds true for libido. I'm not surprised that your libido went out the window. And it was more than just a physical thing, it was primarily emotional, I'm sure!

From my experience, the submissive boys I've met wanted to please me. They will relinquish control in the sexual relationship between them and me, but they need to feel desired. They still need to know what it is that turns me on and pushes my buttons. I've never expected that my submissive boy would never initiate play or sex. I control his orgasms, not his desire! In fact I love when he's been in chastity for a while and he starts flirting with me. Sometimes he'll find himself terribly teased, tending to my needs but no release. Sometimes it might work to his advantage and I'll let him release for me (usually in my presence and as little as possibe on his own). The way I see it is, suggestions are always welcome, but since I'm the boss, I make the final decision.

quote:

It's nice to see you incorporate plenty of communication and feedback in your approach. I think this is critical with any activity, chastity or otherwise. The approach taken often turns something from a bad experience to an incredibly good one and vice versa.


I can see why some women might not want to talk about it. In the first few weeks of orgasm control, there can be a lot of questions about the rules, some fears and frustration expressed by the boy, as well as some new found joy and appreciation that he feels the need to talk about. It's new, it's normal. But I can see how some women will get annoyed and think "gosh, I took control of his cock and now it's all he thinks about!" but this is something we have to work through and manage. What most women will realise is that while it is important for our dynamic to listen, we can put a time limit on the discussion. We can say "share your feelings with me" but then stop them if they start working themselves up and say "Ok... breathe. It's really just an orgasm sweetie. Now what else did you do today that didn't involve you obsessing over the loss of control of you cock and was perhaps a more productive use of your time?" Then you control also the discussion.

But as much as control orgasms does not mean eliminating them, controlling discussions does not mean eliminating them neither.

I incorporate plenty of communication in absolutely everything that I do. I actually personally think that it makes it hotter. It is one thing to tell a boy that he cannot come. It is another thing to have him kneel before me while I explain to him why and see him twitch, get frustrated but in time come around and learn to love the sacrifice that he is making for me. I think that when two people reach that level of deep understanding, that's when things really start getting fun!

quote:

I also appreciate that you've described some of the reasons why orgasm control is important to you and why it supports a baseline in your personal and BDSM interactions. It makes so much sense when you explain it this way.


Yes, I truly believe that orgasm control creates a stronger bond and sets the baseline for the relationship. However, it goes deeper than that for me. It is a very effective way to build trust. For a strong man to give up the control over his cock is huge. If he's going to do it seriously, he really has to trust me. And because I play without any physical chastity devices, I call on his inner strength and will to be obedient. He can no longer touch his cock, his balls or his bottom while his cock is in a state of erection. The rest of the time, it is fine. It is crucial at that time that I coach him on techniques of combating resistance, which is a transferable skill to any area of his life. Some boys come with already a lot of will power and some with less. In this case I need to adjust. But he has to trust me. He has to believe that I have his best interest at heart.

Also, there is a popular belief that men think with their cocks. While I think that this is a gross exaggeration, it isn't completely false, but rather it varies from one man to another. Regardless, it is programmed in a man's DNA to want to spread his seed and therefore, his cock will be a major influencer. Now I tend to favour intelligent men who think with the head on their shoulders and feel with their heart. They might even have decided to silence their primal sexual urges to varying degrees in order to seek a relationship based on mental and emotional aspects. So when I control this part of a boy, he becomes even more keenly, at times painfully aware, just how much of an influence his cock has because he's no longer in control of it. This has an interesting effect as it is a way to bring him deeply in touch with his masculinity (something which is a HUGE kink of mine) and his virility. I build that power up in him, and then I make him relinquish that power to me.

quote:

I wish I'd understood this (or someone had explained this to me) years ago. Of course, I realize a dominant may have specific reasons for not revealing why they are taking a certain course of action. For use s-types though, it helps immensely when we have some notion (even just an iota) of what the immediate or end goal may be. You've provided some insight and I find this very useful.


I couldn't agree with you more on this point. I know that not only does it help the boy, but it helps the relationship. I find that once I explain something clearly, it stops coming up as a point of frustration. The boys that have been in my control tend to enjoy the feeling of deep submission with an equally deep sense of trust because they know that there is a method to the madness of their Lady. They also knows she cares deeply for them and all their bits ;-)

quote:

Thanks for posting this.

Elan.

Oh it's my pleasure! Writing these posts are a form of self-reflection for me, so they help me understand my own motivations. If they can help someone else, well that is simply icing on the cake!

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 26
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: Zero to Orgasm Denial in 10 Seconds Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.163