not into pain

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wondering5 -> not into pain (12/22/2009 4:07:25 PM)
My husband and I have been married two years, knew for years D/s was something we wanted to do. And it's been fantastic. :-) Lately though, I've been thinking I want some pain, and he just doesn't seem interested in giving that to me (although he loves the control part). I haven't pushed it, since obviously I don't know if it's something I want, and he's given me hints it's not going to happen...like looking at me like I'm crazy when I suggest what Ithink are tame activities. But I do want to see if the reality is as good as the fantasy. How do you sit someone down and have a serious conversation about something so...silly?

osf -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:14:19 PM)
if you push it he may become resentful what you could do is meet other couples that are into what you want and let him observe try to get him to beat on someone else, he may feel too close to you and is afraid to hurt you, feelings he wont have for her once he gets to the point that he enjoys it offer youself not a certainty, but it has worked

AquaticSub -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:17:10 PM)
First off it's not silly. It's one of your sexual desires. If you want to talk about silly, let's talk about blowjobs. Do you know much bite strength a person has? And they want to put their dick between our teeth why? Anyway, just sit down and explain that you are really feeling this itch and you'd just like to give it a try a few times to see where things go. Sometimes people think they will hate things till they try it after all! I'd suggest starting small, like with biting or being grabbed really hard. Ask him to nibble on your neck and increase the pressure gradually, or when his hands are on your breasts, ask him to squeeze harder. He may feel a lot less reluctant when it's his own hands doing the work at first. You can go from there by bringing home a toy on a whim and asking him to give it a shot. Of course, it would help to know what activities you are suggesting and thinking are tame. [:)]

antipode -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:21:45 PM)
quote: How do you sit someone down and have a serious conversation about something so...silly? It may not be a good idea to get him to do something that does not come natural to him. Find a sadist on the side ;)

wondering5 -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:24:09 PM)
We don't include others in this part of our life, so that's not going to happen. AquaticSub, I'm talking really tame (I think) like biting my nipples. He won't go there. Which cracks me up, because he has zero issues with bondage, dominating me, etc. I like the idea of bringing home a toy and asking him to try it, though.

breatheasone -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:27:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 My husband and I have been married two years, knew for years D/s was something we wanted to do. And it's been fantastic. :-) Lately though, I've been thinking I want some pain, and he just doesn't seem interested in giving that to me (although he loves the control part). I haven't pushed it, since obviously I don't know if it's something I want, and he's given me hints it's not going to happen...like looking at me like I'm crazy when I suggest what Ithink are tame activities. But I do want to see if the reality is as good as the fantasy. How do you sit someone down and have a serious conversation about something so...silly? If thats how you view it, that may be why he doesn't take it very seriously. Perhaps get a firm handle on how you feel about it 1st.

AquaticSub -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:29:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 We don't include others in this part of our life, so that's not going to happen. AquaticSub, I'm talking really tame (I think) like biting my nipples. He won't go there. Which cracks me up, because he has zero issues with bondage, dominating me, etc. I like the idea of bringing home a toy and asking him to try it, though. Put BBQ sauce on there? Maybe if you can get him on suck on them, you can talk him into a little nibble...

osf -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:30:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 We don't include others in this part of our life, so that's not going to happen. AquaticSub, I'm talking really tame (I think) like biting my nipples. He won't go there. Which cracks me up, because he has zero issues with bondage, dominating me, etc. I like the idea of bringing home a toy and asking him to try it, though. Put BBQ sauce on there? Maybe if you can get him on suck on them, you can talk him into a little nibble... did someone say bbq?

mstrslve4fun -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:41:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 We don't include others in this part of our life, so that's not going to happen. AquaticSub, I'm talking really tame (I think) like biting my nipples. He won't go there. Which cracks me up, because he has zero issues with bondage, dominating me, etc. I like the idea of bringing home a toy and asking him to try it, though. When my Master/husband and i first started, He asked me to buy Him a present, and i came home with a crop. He was surprised, but has enjoyed using it. Not that He uses it a lot, and He is definitely not a sadist, but the amount of control He has over me at that time when He's whipping me and i stand there and take it is amazing, and He loves that part. You could possibly start with him giving you a slap on the ass when you are making love, and really tell him how you get off on it.

rockspider -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 4:44:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 My husband and I have been married two years, knew for years D/s was something we wanted to do. And it's been fantastic. :-) Lately though, I've been thinking I want some pain, and he just doesn't seem interested in giving that to me (although he loves the control part). I haven't pushed it, since obviously I don't know if it's something I want, and he's given me hints it's not going to happen...like looking at me like I'm crazy when I suggest what Ithink are tame activities. But I do want to see if the reality is as good as the fantasy. How do you sit someone down and have a serious conversation about something so...silly? This is not a silly issue. Nearly 40 years of kink behind me i can identify with your hubby. I only inflict pain if i get asked for it. Then i will do so, because she wants it, not because it satisfy a need from my side. I have done it many times over the years and do get some satisfaction from it in so far as i know that the woman enjoys it. Much in the same way as the joy of giving a much apreciated gift. I would recommend a serious heart to heart talk between the two of you.

laura2161 -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 5:30:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrslve4fun quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 We don't include others in this part of our life, so that's not going to happen. AquaticSub, I'm talking really tame (I think) like biting my nipples. He won't go there. Which cracks me up, because he has zero issues with bondage, dominating me, etc. I like the idea of bringing home a toy and asking him to try it, though. You could possibly start with him giving you a slap on the ass when you are making love, and really tell him how you get off on it. I agree and think this is really good advice. Hell, you won't even have to tell him how much you like being spanked it will show in your body language and your intake of breath; Hopefully he will pick up on that and see how turned on you are and do it again..and again..and again :-) Laura

DesFIP -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 5:30:46 PM)
Has he explained to you why he will not do this? You may want to reassure him that you will tell him if it is too much. Either a safeword, or just a scale of 1 -10. If he's positive that he can't really harm you, he may be more willing to try it. It isn't silly for a man. Remember he's been told his whole life that only lowlifes and monsters hit women. From age 5 he's been conditioned never to hit a girl. So being asked to become abusive isn't silly, it's huge. You need to talk about consent, that it isn't abusive if you want it. You may want to compare it to food, that it is simply a strong sensation, no more good or bad than putting hot sauce on your food would be although doing it to someone who doesn't like hot sauce would be wrong. And if he does try it, you want to be very positive. You want to thank him for doing so, you want to tell him afterwards that you really enjoyed it, and that it makes you hot and would he please do it again and harder and longer. You also don't want to nag him. But get him some books on how to safely hit without harming. Point him to here. Let him think it over. And in a month or so, write him an erotic story that includes a mild spanking.

Valyraen -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 5:42:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP It isn't silly for a man. Remember he's been told his whole life that only lowlifes and monsters hit women. From age 5 he's been conditioned never to hit a girl. So being asked to become abusive isn't silly, it's huge. You need to talk about consent, that it isn't abusive if you want it. You may want to compare it to food, that it is simply a strong sensation, no more good or bad than putting hot sauce on your food would be although doing it to someone who doesn't like hot sauce would be wrong. And if he does try it, you want to be very positive. You want to thank him for doing so, you want to tell him afterwards that you really enjoyed it, and that it makes you hot and would he please do it again and harder and longer. I second this so hard you've got no idea. Aqua had to work with me for quite a while before I was comfortable with even the thought that beating on someone could be a good thing. Took me even longer just running the thought around in my skull and getting comfortable with the concept until I'd consider actually doing it. It's a big, big adjustment for someone who's been told his whole life that hitting women is a no-no (simple terms used intentionally, as most of us have been hearing it from toddlerhood), and it took me months to really get comfortable. Now, four years later... not a care to be found. It's a beautiful progression [:D]

wondering5 -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 6:00:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP It isn't silly for a man. Remember he's been told his whole life that only lowlifes and monsters hit women. From age 5 he's been conditioned never to hit a girl. So being asked to become abusive isn't silly, it's huge. You're right. I guess I assumed that because he likes being dominant and controlling that it wasn't as big of a leap as it could be. But maybe I'm wrong. He's deployed now, so I do like the idea of sending him a story. Keeps him entertained and let's him know what's on my mind!

SomethingCatchy -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 6:06:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 We don't include others in this part of our life, so that's not going to happen. AquaticSub, I'm talking really tame (I think) like biting my nipples. He won't go there. Which cracks me up, because he has zero issues with bondage, dominating me, etc. I like the idea of bringing home a toy and asking him to try it, though. Put BBQ sauce on there? Maybe if you can get him on suck on them, you can talk him into a little nibble... did someone say bbq? BBQ tits are the BEST!

SomethingCatchy -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 6:09:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wondering5 quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP It isn't silly for a man. Remember he's been told his whole life that only lowlifes and monsters hit women. From age 5 he's been conditioned never to hit a girl. So being asked to become abusive isn't silly, it's huge. You're right. I guess I assumed that because he likes being dominant and controlling that it wasn't as big of a leap as it could be. But maybe I'm wrong. He's deployed now, so I do like the idea of sending him a story. Keeps him entertained and let's him know what's on my mind! If he's military, that could also be another hurdle. He may be afraid that word would get around (someone see something they shouldn't, you get mad and talk to a friend, whatever) that he hits you, and his chain of command won't give two flying flips if he says 'But she asked for it.'

wondering5 -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 6:22:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy If he's military, that could also be another hurdle. He may be afraid that word would get around (someone see something they shouldn't, you get mad and talk to a friend, whatever) that he hits you, and his chain of command won't give two flying flips if he says 'But she asked for it.' Eh, he's a pilot. He's much more afraid of having a beer at dinner and getting pulled over afterwards. :-) Honestly, our lives really aren't as on display to the military as much as civilians tend to assume they are.

AquaticSub -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 6:40:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy BBQ tits are the BEST! See I'd try something like this at a play party but I don't think I trust the sadists not to put the hot sauce where it doesn't belong... quote: He's deployed now, so I do like the idea of sending him a story. Keeps him entertained and let's him know what's on my mind! That could be a really cool way of getting him pysched up for it as well. [:)] quote: Honestly, our lives really aren't as on display to the military as much as civilians tend to assume they are. I've heard much different from other military and their families to be honest.

osf -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 6:45:52 PM)
quote: See I'd try something like this at a play party but I don't think I trust the sadists not to put the hot sauce where it doesn't belong... the hot sauce belongs wherever he puts it

AquaticSub -> RE: not into pain (12/22/2009 6:57:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: See I'd try something like this at a play party but I don't think I trust the sadists not to put the hot sauce where it doesn't belong... the hot sauce belongs wherever he puts it Depends on which "he" you are refering to with that statement. I was speaking a scene with mutiple sadists. Not every sadist gets carte blanche.

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