RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (Full Version)

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sexyred1 -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/12/2010 9:17:30 PM)

I dislike Passive-Aggressiveness in anyone, male, female, Dom, sub, boss, employee, friend, relative. When you are an upfront person, it is particularly irritating. I like clarity.



masterlink65 -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/12/2010 9:43:24 PM)

i have met plenty of P/A subs as well as bi polar. P/A is not seen as dominance, i guess only if you let that person dominate you. i do not succumb to P/A behavior, and i do not think the two are related at all.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/12/2010 10:59:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I dislike Passive-Aggressiveness in anyone, male, female, Dom, sub, boss, employee, friend, relative. When you are an upfront person, it is particularly irritating. I like clarity.


Especially from someone in a leadership position. To me, dominance is about leadership, and passive aggressive people are terrible leaders. Wouldn't touch a passive aggressive "dominant" with a ten-foot pole. Either speak your mind or go play games with someone else.



jujubeeMB -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/12/2010 11:34:11 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I dislike Passive-Aggressiveness in anyone, male, female, Dom, sub, boss, employee, friend, relative. When you are an upfront person, it is particularly irritating. I like clarity.


Same here. I usually confront people who are being passive aggressive directly. "Why are you looking over there and pretending you're not annoyed about this right now?" "Clearly you're trying to get me to have 'this' reaction - I'm not tricked by that, so why don't you just tell me what you're thinking." This doesn't usually go over well :)



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 12:29:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I dislike Passive-Aggressiveness in anyone, male, female, Dom, sub, boss, employee, friend, relative. When you are an upfront person, it is particularly irritating. I like clarity.


Same here. I usually confront people who are being passive aggressive directly. "Why are you looking over there and pretending you're not annoyed about this right now?" "Clearly you're trying to get me to have 'this' reaction - I'm not tricked by that, so why don't you just tell me what you're thinking." This doesn't usually go over well :)


I tend to fuck with them a little differently. I usually take everything they say at exactly face value, and pretend not to notice at all that they're pouting or waiting patiently for me to ask them what's wrong or whatever.

Them: "No, I'm fine. I don't care what you do."

Me: "Cool! If you don't care what I do, I'm going to head downtown and go to a hockey game. I'll see you tonight if you're still up, or tomorrow if you're not."

It tends to be very effective at quickly extinguishing any and all traces of the "passive" and moving the dynamic fully into the "aggressive" territory. And then you can both get down to business, and get right to whatever it is that needs fixing.



elleX -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 12:56:22 AM)

if i am not wrong , passive-agressive use to be a personality disorder in the DMS edition no 3, but in the last one it as been removed from there and classified as a defense mechanism
i beleive a Dom can also have that kind of behavior , he would ignore the sub , been picky at her for anything,,, would be hostile , would stay there but without investing her , she would feel that she is the one that bring the water all the time,she would carry the relation on her shoulder
she would feel this expecially when she does something that her Dom does not appreciate , been it by choice or by accident .
I beleive he could still be whipping her buts but keep that attitude . On a long ride it is not healthy

let me say it in french please in case i did mistake so i can be corrected ;
Le mode de fonctionnement passif-agressive ne relève plus d'un trouble de personality (DSM  3) mais d'un type de méchanisme de défense ( DSM 4 ). Un Dominant peut avoir ce type de fonctionnement , Il ignore sa soumise ,est plutot hostile , souligne constament ses erreurs, mais reste la ,  Cette attitude est d'autant plus présente si elle a fait une erreur , , que ca soit par choix ou par accident. La soumise a l'impression de porter le bien-etre de la relation sur ses épaules . On pourrait voir le Dominant la fouetter tout en gardant cette attitude ,
a long terme ce n ' est pas sain ,



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 2:10:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

When you are an upfront person, it is particularly irritating. I like clarity.


I reckon clarity is key-I put energy into working out exactly what I want and knowing exactly how to get it, which doesn't leave any room for passive-agressiveness (if that is the noun, I'm not sure...).



DesFIP -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 4:19:10 AM)

Dominant just means he/she wants to be the leader in their interpersonal relationship. Doesn't say anything about them having healthy behavior, being self aware, pro-active, a clear communicator etc. Now with that said, a p-a dominant is one who won't have a good relationship, if one at all.



wisdomtogive -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 4:44:43 AM)

Passive-aggressive behavior can be found on both sides of the kneel, and still effects relationships of all kinds. When a dominant person shows it, it takes away from their authority. They tend to be very touchie about other's comments and cannot seem to stand in their own truths. I had a boss like that ages ago when i worked as a counselor for a drug abuse clinic. Seriously the employees and clients could not take him seriously.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 4:54:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

In my experience, in what we call real life, a submissive who acts that way seems to be checking to see if I will call her on her shit and put a stop to it.

Jeff


Hey Jeff,
I can see your point here, but I'd like to also add this little caveat.

People have concerns, people need to express themselves.  In the absence of a healthy way to express what needs to be expressed (whether a worry, an emotion, a thought), things will come out in a less than stellar manner.  We people are expressive creatures.  We MUST express ourselves... one way or another.

As for the actual question - in my world passive aggression and dominance are in fact mutually exclusive.  There is a difference between passive aggression and not knowing something.  If a behavior is somewhat passive aggressive, it is helpful to look at the behavior and figure out a better way to express it.  I myself prefer a man who is emotionally sophisticated.

Good question.

Best,
sunshine



LadyAngelika -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 5:07:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I dislike Passive-Aggressiveness in anyone, male, female, Dom, sub, boss, employee, friend, relative. When you are an upfront person, it is particularly irritating. I like clarity.


Same here. I usually confront people who are being passive aggressive directly. "Why are you looking over there and pretending you're not annoyed about this right now?" "Clearly you're trying to get me to have 'this' reaction - I'm not tricked by that, so why don't you just tell me what you're thinking." This doesn't usually go over well :)


I tend to fuck with them a little differently. I usually take everything they say at exactly face value, and pretend not to notice at all that they're pouting or waiting patiently for me to ask them what's wrong or whatever.

Them: "No, I'm fine. I don't care what you do."

Me: "Cool! If you don't care what I do, I'm going to head downtown and go to a hockey game. I'll see you tonight if you're still up, or tomorrow if you're not."

It tends to be very effective at quickly extinguishing any and all traces of the "passive" and moving the dynamic fully into the "aggressive" territory. And then you can both get down to business, and get right to whatever it is that needs fixing.



Great minds think alike panda. I've often used this technique with passive-agressive employees and/or bosses.

- LA



Jeffff -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 5:21:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
Hey Jeff,
I can see your point here, but I'd like to also add this little caveat.

People have concerns, people need to express themselves.  In the absence of a healthy way to express what needs to be expressed (whether a worry, an emotion, a thought), things will come out in a less than stellar manner.  We people are expressive creatures.  We MUST express ourselves... one way or another.

As for the actual question - in my world passive aggression and dominance are in fact mutually exclusive.  There is a difference between passive aggression and not knowing something.  If a behavior is somewhat passive aggressive, it is helpful to look at the behavior and figure out a better way to express it.  I myself prefer a man who is emotionally sophisticated.

Good question.

Best,
sunshine




I agree miss. I was thinking in terms of very early in a relationship. I am not going to get into the whole "doormat" thing , but if people can't express themselves their heads will one day explode.

Thus ruining a perfectly good woman.

Jeff



persephonee -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 5:39:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

In my experience, in what we call real life, a submissive who acts that way seems to be checking to see if I will call her on her shit and put a stop to it.


Jeff


i stopped here, so forgive me if im repeating what is said already...

The temptation to act out in that way is pretty strong some days....sometimes its easier to let the fantasy overtake personal responsibility and see if the D in the dynamic can keep you in line...make you make decisions that you would make on your own if you were single....or a grownup[;)]...

i get about 2 steps into that psychological room....Master notices it....and walks out the other door. Leaving me alone in a room of decisions....its kinda cold in there and there is no one to pay attention to me, so i pick up my big girl panties and come back out....Hes generally standing there, grinning and welcoming me back.

i cant be certain, but i would truly hope that if i stayed in that room, threw a fit and refused to pick the decision that does myself or our relationship the most good....He wouldnt be there when i finally peeked out.

If i want attention, i have to put some thought into whether i actually "need" it, and then ask for it, all the while, being aware that i really might not get it. If i spent any time at all being passive aggressive id be pretty damned single pretty damned fast.

Hes quiet, but pretty direct....he expects the same from me.

edited to double check if i compared his intellect to that of a grapefruit again...and to mention that the poor guy is SOL in the quiet slave department...[;)]



sunshinemiss -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 5:59:06 AM)

quote:

I tend to fuck with them a little differently. I usually take everything they say at exactly face value, and pretend not to notice at all that they're pouting or waiting patiently for me to ask them what's wrong or whatever.


Hi Panda,
This is exactly what I learned to do via Al-Anon. It is exceedingly helpful.  What it does is puts full responsibility on the person making the statement.  You say it?  Then you be grown up enough to hang with it... or don't say it (the old "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" thing).  It's shocking how quickly people will learn to express themselves in the "aggressive" side of things as you say. 

I think often people just haven't had "permission" in one form or another to express themselves clearly.  By respecting their words, you give them permission for their words to have power... safely.  No backhanded slap, no being locked in a closet for hours, no cold shoulder treatment just for saying "I don't understand" or " Will you help me" or "what you did was uncomfortable/hurtful/frightening". 

This technique is really amazing.  Thank you for the reminder!

Best,
sunshine



RedMagic1 -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 6:03:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
I think often people just haven't had "permission" in one form or another to express themselves clearly.  By respecting their words, you give them permission for their words to have power... safely. 

I strongly agree with this.



Icarys -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 6:40:31 AM)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1RxKedYy0s

[:D]



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 7:09:30 AM)

I find that passive-aggressive behavior is mutually exclusive to just about -every- kind of relationship. It is a non-constructive behavior, and serves no useful purpose in relationship repertoire, IMO. If a person is in a relationship in which xhe can't speak honestly about hir expectations, issues, and any problems cropping up in the relationship, then, to me, the solution is not to -be- in that relationship.

JMO,

Calla



Prinsexx -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 7:44:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Are they mutually exclusive?


Jeff

Passuve agressuon? Yes indeed rhat hallmark of the narcisist. That anger which is first of all repressed and then defleyed into some overtly casually harmless behaviour that becomes the signal for unwarranted and abusve behaviour to follow.
The flickering of the eyelifds.
The eyes rolled upwards.
The damning silence.
The look.
The object turned over and over in the hand but not quite thrown.
The brooding silence.
The minimal tut tut tut.
One hopes that passive agression and dominance are mutually exclusive.
Hope is a many splendid thing.




sweetboundesire -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 7:58:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Passuve agressuon? Yes indeed rhat hallmark of the narcisist.
One hopes that passive agression and dominance are mutually exclusive.
Hope is a many splendid thing.


I had a husband who was a narcisist, very passive aggressive.
I left him in a very direct way.
I think if I would've stayed it would've given me heart disease.
its no good. I can't stand being around couples that are displaying this energy. it's harmful to everyone.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Passive Aggression and Dominance (1/13/2010 9:11:53 AM)

Its the difference between being DomiNEARing...and being Dominant.

Its the difference between saying "I am moving on" and just disappearing.



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