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Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/22/2010 1:46:51 AM

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I've finally found myself a good guy who's as kinky as me! YES!

He enjoys both dominating and submitting, so he's a switch. I'm strictly a sub. So far, he's been the dominant one in bed, and I the submissive. However, I know he's going to want me to be the dominant one at some point. He's very understanding, and puts no pressure on me to do it anytime soon. I want to do this for him, though.

I'm asking for advice on how to bring out my inner Domme. I'm self conscious and nervous about doing this. I'm not a switch, I've got no other motivation to dominate him other than that's what he wants me to do and I serve to please.

I hope this is in the correct forum. I feel it would be appropriate in any of the "Ask a ______" forums.

Thank you for reading! I would appreciate any advice you can give.

< Message edited by lioncub -- 1/22/2010 1:47:51 AM >

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/22/2010 3:32:00 AM

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First off, congratulations on finding the lucky guy.

That said, you need to learn to talk with him. You "know" he's going to ask you to top him... I suspect that that's simply your concept of him being a switch running loose in your head.

I don't claim to be an expert on switches, but I have known several who had LTRs that were confined to a single side of the kneel. Sub for a few years, then Domme for another couple, etc.

So... maybe once a week, sit down and talk with him. Ask him what he likes in the relationship, and in what ways he might like it to change.Tell him what you do/don't like as well. I would imagine that topping him is way less important than you think it is.

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/22/2010 10:19:43 AM

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He's said upfront to me that he would like me to top him at some point, so he has made the request. He said, "I'd like you to [be the dominant one], but only when you're ready," so he understands my hesitation.

But that's as far has the conversation has ever gone. It just that whenever I try to top him I clam up and end up feeling bad.

So I will talk to him further. It would probably help ease my nerves. Thank you!

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/22/2010 10:53:29 AM

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I too made the transition between sub to domme.

It was hard at first and a lot of the time it felt like I was doing something wrong, I was hesitant, nervous, etc. This was because we had moved straight into topping, I was trying to give him beatings. I became much more comfortable in the role once we backed off a little. I set him D/s tasks around the house, had him kneel at my feet. I started thinking about my state of mind as well. You cannot top in a sub mind-space, at least I couldn't. I had to think about where my head was and how my thoughts were forming in order to make that switch. YOU are in charge now, and you get to do whatever you want to that lovely piece of man in front of you.

Now that I've become more comfortable, it's coming much more naturally. Good luck!

(in reply to lioncub)

RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/22/2010 8:01:18 PM

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Well thank you very much, Reform! We'll take it slow.

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/23/2010 5:33:56 PM

Level

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Steven hit on a key point: talking to one another. If you don't have a dominant bone in your body, he needs to be able to accept that. However, that doesn't mean you can't potentially learn to top him, and do it well. Again, talk to him, find out exactly what he expects during these topping sessions. It's possible you'll need practice at whatever he wants you to do, and he should understand that.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/24/2010 3:58:26 AM

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He sounds like he is patient and caring and you enjoy him as a person .... If you choose its the right thing to try and physicaly top him

When it comes to actually trying topping, a simple sugestion I have given others for the first time or times is to use a blindfold on him .... not haveing him be able to see you changes the dynamic and means even if you do not do anything he will still be in suspense ... he will feel your 'control' or at least less of his own.... and he wont be able to see any nervous movements or hesitations from you ... which will make you feel more confident

but rather than think of it as some huge kinky or dominant thing ..... treat it more like a sensual exploration of him .... which may or may not include restraints .... or simple directions .. where to kneel .. or how to hold his arms ....
Just enjoy feeling him .... touching him ... watching him .... kissing him .... listening to his sounds .... seeing what reactions you enjoy evoking ... do you enjoy him squirming or moaning ? .... do you like how he reacts when you give him pleasure? ... or tickle him? ... or tease him ?... or perhaps pinch him?.... when you go slow or ... go faster ... you do not need to do anything unsusal or kinky to enjoy a topping experience ... topping is just leading the sensations... so just enjoy exploreing him

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 1/24/2010 9:33:55 AM

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Thanks a lot MzMinx! I sprung the blindfold idea on him and he thinks it's a good idea. So that's what we'll try first.

Thanks again to all of you!

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 3/10/2010 6:31:55 PM

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i am a sub, but i have dommed....the only way i could do it was:
We were together for about 6 months, we had talked alot about mine and his likes.
i told him i didnt know what to do and maybe we could have a few nights were he did to me what he wanted.
i wanted to please so i abosrbed everything.
it started with little things like going up to him for a kiss and not waiting on him.
or cuffing his hands while i gave him oral.
small things like so build your comfort leval slowlly, but it workes

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 3/10/2010 7:12:44 PM

beej

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quote:

it started with little things like going up to him for a kiss and not waiting on him.
or cuffing his hands while i gave him oral.
small things like so build your comfort leval slowlly, but it workes

ooh, good practical suggestion. kind of like building up your aggression.

(in reply to musicaltaylor)

RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 3/27/2010 11:44:50 PM

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However, as usual, DarkSteven is correct. Communication is key! Be open, be honest. Communication is not the arena where holding back is necessary when you are being honest and open--with both yourself and your partner.

I'm currently going through this transition myself.
I am currently at the stage of nervous and unsure, just as Reform was.
I'm extremely afraid of irrevocably damaging my partner (physically & mentally). I care about him and I do not forgive myself readily, and am thus, not certain if I will ever be able to beat him the way he wants or deserves. (<--And in any other social setting, that would sound just...odd.) As such, we talk, we communicate. We start small. This is uncharted territory for me. I give a simple command (e.g. "Get in the truck," or "Come here.") and he obeys. Admittedly, these are exceptionally tiny commands, overlooked by everyday society, but I notice how I feel & what runs through my mind when he follows the instruction. Lately, I've noticed myself becoming less and less unsure of myself, there is a slight rise of my confidence. Am I ready to brandish a flogger and go at him? Heck no! But we'll keep talking and taking our time...

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/2/2010 3:06:22 PM

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well let s see he s wanted a domme no need to turn into a sadist domme try being a sensual domme, start with little things, high heels, whispering things into his ear, ask him what he wants and have him say it out loud, call him "my sweet" mmm they always love that one lol get into the role play, slide your hands along his skin have him kneel in front of you to service you , tell him how good a job he s doing, tell him not to break eye contact no matter what mmmm tell him how nice his body parts are and how he would soooo want you to pay attention to them make him wait lol yes you heard me well there you go- that should keep you busy for starters... a good domme keeps them coming back for more lol anyways good luck and have fun!!! Miss Sugar

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/2/2010 5:32:58 PM

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Whoot! I love this question, and I love the responses. This is one major reason why I love this part of the forum. Switches and their great advice. ^.^

I think everyone has made some very very valid advice for you to consider, but there's one thing that you don't want to forget while you're at it. Make sure you are comfortable doing anything that you do. Especially if you do decide that you want to try your hand at any of the weapons of choice (floggers, crops, canes, etc). No matter how much you want to please him by topping him, if you hold a tool in your hand that you are uncomfortable with you may well end up harming either of you (if not both). Don't ever feel rushed, take your time with it. My bf knew nothing about bdsm when we got together, other than the barest of facts and even some of them were wrong. We spent a lot of time talking about what each of us wanted (gold star for DarkSteven ^.^), and before I ever let him take a go at my backside with the crop we bought, I had him take some time with a pillow. For one, it gave me confidence in his ability to wield such a thing without harming me, and two it gave HIM the confidence to know he wouldn't harm me.

OH! And another thing I hope you don't ever forget if/when you decide to use cuffs: As the Top/Domme....always know where the keys are before you put on the cuffs!!! (the paramedics never think it's as funny as you do. x.x J/K!!)

Hope this helps.
Lil Bit

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/2/2010 7:10:37 PM

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i think if i were to date a sub i'd want her to top once in a while but never really pursue it. it would be nice but, definitely not a requirement. i think it would be a bit different for me- i'd accept whoever i was with for what they were and enjoy being with them inside of their comfort zone. that's not to say i wouldn't skim the far reaches of it, but i'm not the type to push something on someone. again, to clarify, that is not to say i wouldn't push limits- just that i'd work within the territory of submissive behavior.

it's like asking your butcher to cook- you know him as someone who does and enjoys one particular thing and he's offered his services as one particular role, i wouldn't think to ask him something like that.

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/2/2010 9:17:13 PM

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My first experience switching was very similar to the one that you describe generally. I did it merely because my partner wanted me to, however, at the time, I only identified as submissive, which is still my primary and with most people preferred and identified role. I didn't attempt to dominate him, I made no demands on myself to be anything other than what I was, I did top him, ie: the physical activites were there, but the mental was not. In my experience, lo and behold, I discovered that in addition to being a masochist I had a sadistic streak, seeing him in pain turned me on immensely. From there on an occasional switch was born, but I do have to tell you that the way I work (which certainly isn't the same for everyone of course), if I don't identify with someone as them being submissive, I cannot dominate them. Top them, yes, but not the whole package and I personally cannot switch with men I have been submissive to with the rare exception of an occasional switch that I can identify with in both roles.

Be honest with yourself and with him and give it a try, don't put pressure on yourself to be anything other than what you are and just play and see how it goes.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 5/2/2010 9:18:39 PM >

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/3/2010 6:09:53 AM

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Welcome back sweetie!

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/3/2010 9:39:43 AM

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Great post with lots of good constructive advice.
I find it hard to relate to the op because I had to learn to sub and so I'm the wrong way round but perhaps thats a good way to think about it. Not only do you need to learn to dominate him, he has to learn to submit to you.
I agree with those who have said 'communication, communication and more communication' and with those who say 'sensual domination'.
Pulling the back of his hair and whispering in his ear 'remember who you belong to' can be far more powerful than cuffs and floggers. I say its easy to make a man pleasure you but that's probably unfair because I'm primarily dominant but its a good start.

I wish you both well and hope you both go on to spend many blissful years together fulfilling one anothers dreams

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/3/2010 3:57:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Welcome back sweetie!

shhh...I'm just visiting

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/3/2010 4:31:57 PM

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oh... got it!

Laurel who?

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RE: Sub gone Domme? Oh my! - 5/3/2010 4:32:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Woo hoo!!!!!!

One of the best posters evahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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