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Is it me? - 1/22/2010 4:54:32 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

I can’t let go

Ten years ago I was minding my own business in vanilla land, and fell in love with a man…who turned out to be a Dominant. I struggled against the life at first, but I loved him so I tried, at first he made many concessions, to his credit he was very patient and loving. I never loved anyone like I loved him, and I never felt so loved.

He was poly, he treated me different from the others, we kind of walked a line between vanilla and D/s.

Somewhere along the way I embraced being his slave, but I still had lots of issues with various things that would come up, with time (and I mean years) he became less patient, and less vanilla, a few times I walked, the first time he came after me, the second he didn’t and I returned anyway, when I did everything changed, my voluntary return sure shortened that leash in a hurry. I didn’t cope well, I began to feel insignificant, again I left, again I couldn’t stay away, he says I cant leave, he owns me, I can keep trying but I will always return, I am beginning to believe him.

I am in a place now where I have left again, I feel very badly treated, taken for granted and insignificant in his life.

I almost feel that now he has made me what he wanted to, he is disappointed and wants the woman he met back, and I can’t even remember who she was. Also it is like he almost delights in my pain and torment, that the more miserable he can make me and yet I stay is somehow proof of my submission to him.

If this is how he was when I fist met him I would not have given him the time of day, my head says that is enough to keep walking, but there is this pull that doesn’t come from my head that is so strong. I am miserable with him, and miserable without him. I don’t know which is worse.

So although some may think being owned for 10 years means I have lots of experience but he is my experience, I have no other reference point so finally I come to my question…is this typical, is it always this hard to break away, am I doomed to be miserable forever now either way, I am so torn.

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 5:41:37 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

some of us get shall we say harder with age, it happens

as for you, you are going to have to decide which is the less painful way to live, you are not going to change him so if anything it's up to you to accept him the way he is

so which is less painful, being with him or being away from him, i don't see any other choices

some may say councilling but i don't think even you think that will help

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 6:11:24 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

He's been chipping away at your (already low) self-esteem for years, to the point where you have almost none left. But you had enough to get out! Now build it up by doing things that will make you feel better about yourself. Take a class, join (or start) a club, get a (better) job, volunteer to help those less fortunate... You get the idea. You may have to get angry at him, to help you make this break the final one. How dare he treat you this way! Then don't stay angry, as anger will eventually poison you if it festers. Move on to a place where you are genuinely happy being single, because you don't have an asshole ruining your day. Rejoice!

It will take time to move through these stages, but you've made a good start. Now run with it! Keep your momentum going away from him, not toward him. You've rid yourself of a colossal jerk. He got off on emotionally abusing you. He's not worth wasting another minute on. You are a beautiful person. Love yourself. The real you- not what some asshole thinks you are. Become more and more yourself, with each passing day. Not what some asshole wants you to be.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 1/22/2010 6:19:50 AM >

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(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 7:48:11 AM

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

People here are usually quick to judge. I will try not to be and the reason is we don't have his side of the story. A frequent poster here likes to say, there are three elements to the truth, yours, his and somewhere down the middle is usually the real story.

The fact of the matter is you left out a lot in your post. These "issues" you had are probably important for us to know to be able to comment more intelligently.

With that said, I will try to respond to you as compassionately as I can but with the caveat that I don't know his side of the story.

Many times in the lifestyle, we are drawn to it through our relationships. If we have a naturally dominant or submissive personality, it will pull us. If we don't we tend to shy away. In your case, we really don't know. If you stayed with it as long as you did, you may indeed be a submissive or slave. Sometimes what happens in a person of that personality is that they are so conflicted with their real self, as opposed to the one that society places on you.

I met a woman once who in her natural state had the makings of a wonderful slave. However she could not let go of all the baggage society placed on her so in short order she left the lifestyle. That may be you.

The bottom line is you are currently unhappy. He is unhappy. If you both feel that you need and want each other then I would suggest you find a Kink Aware Professional to assist you in you rebuilding your relationship. If not, then perhaps what you are doing is the right thing.

I wish you well.

Aramis

< Message edited by MasterAramis -- 1/22/2010 7:49:55 AM >

_____________________________

"He who would be a man must be a master. He who surrenders his mastery surrenders his manhood." - Players of Gor

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 8:27:58 AM

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence
I never loved anyone like I loved him, and I never felt so loved.

Do you still feel that way?

quote:

I walked, the first time he came after me, the second he didn’t and I returned anyway, when I did everything changed, my voluntary return sure shortened that leash in a hurry. I didn’t cope well, I began to feel insignificant, again I left, again I couldn’t stay away,

Seriously, and I know that people will be able to cite exceptions to this rule, but whenever I'm asked about "going back" I always say never, ever do it. Just maybe you might do it once - but if you find yourself leaving for a second time, then my advice becomes never,never,never-evvvvererrr do it.

quote:

he says I cant leave, he owns me, I can keep trying but I will always return, I am beginning to believe him.

Well he's doing a great job of making you dependent upon him for your self-esteem. Now some people go for precisely
this level of dependence - but it seems that you find it unfulfilling - hence the leaving.

In my opinion - he's talking crap though - you're You (irrespective of the role you fulfil in a relationship) if you make the choice to leave you can. If you make the choice not to return, you wont return. You need to make the choice though.

quote:

I am in a place now where I have left again, I feel very badly treated, taken for granted and insignificant in his life.

I almost feel that now he has made me what he wanted to, he is disappointed and wants the woman he met back, and I can’t even remember who she was. Also it is like he almost delights in my pain and torment, that the more miserable he can make me and yet I stay is somehow proof of my submission to him.

If this is how he was when I fist met him I would not have given him the time of day, my head says that is enough to keep walking, but there is this pull that doesn’t come from my head that is so strong. I am miserable with him, and miserable without him. I don’t know which is worse.

So although some may think being owned for 10 years means I have lots of experience but he is my experience, I have no other reference point so finally I come to my question…is this typical, is it always this hard to break away, am I doomed to be miserable forever now either way, I am so torn.

Nah, if you leave him and stay away, you wont be miserable forever - it'll just feel like that for a while. The end of an intense relationship is akin to bereavement - you go through a mourning phase during which you may find yourself saying things like "forever"... but nothing is forever. You'll meet someone more compatible, even more wonderful and you'll feel so glad you took the step.

If, on the other hand you go back - then yes, I suspect you will be doomed to be miserable forever....

So for what it's worth (which is very little given how little I know about you)... I say stay away, don't go back, take some time to remind yourself that you're a valuable, unique, special human being, and then get back in the game! If you feel that you still want a D/s component that's wonderful, but if you want a nilla relationship, ya know - that's ok too.

Good luck!

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 8:50:13 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

dreamer...as far as he is concerned I would agree about the low self esteem, across the board I wouldn't, the vanilla aspects of my life, my job, activities/hobbies are very sucessful and satisfying. ty for the encouragement about the good start, my brain agrees with you

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 8:52:26 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

osf...I totally agree, the problem is when I am with him I think being without him would be less painful, but then when I am without him.....

(in reply to osf)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 8:53:32 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

To be frank, yes, it is you. Do some research on low self esteem and co-dependency.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 8:56:06 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence

osf...I totally agree, the problem is when I am with him I think being without him would be less painful, but then when I am without him.....

also i see a possibility that you are a totally submissive personality and the thought of leaving is like a betrayal of him and yourself, no one ever said being a submissive was all fun

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:01:18 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Hey soundsofsilence (I love the screename),

I am not a Master, but a sub like you. I really, really feel for you. I was in a 12 year on and off D/s relationship that I ended last Feb. It took years to do that; we kept breaking up and going back, over and over again. We would both meet others and not find the intensity we had with each other and go back.

The problem was, we essentially were not right for each other in all the important areas, other than being ridiculously attracted to each other, to the point of obsession. We tried to construct a full relationship out of a physical one.

We might have been able to keep limping along like that and fooling ourselves about how much we loved each other, but for the fact that he, like your guy, started treating me badly emotionally outside of the bedroom.

If you want to chat about this privately, I am happy to. Suffice it to say that the posters above me are correct; you cannot go back, you should not go back, he will not likely change (even though we don't know his side of the story) and most of all:

IF THE PAIN OF BEING WITH HIM OVERRIDES THE PLEASURE OF BEING WITH HIM, LEAVE.

That is the lesson it took me ages to implement. I also said, I never loved anyone like I loved him and thought I would die.

But now, with almost a year behind me, it is getting easier to deal with, except for the times he manages to get in touch me with me. I still get a bit freaked when I hear his voice, but I am strong and dating people now and it does get easier to let go once you understand that you allow yourself to be hurt by staying in the relationship.

No one can help you, but you. And I know that you know that.

I hope you find some peace.

Edited to add: What you need to understand, is that this is an ADDICTION, not a relationship. When I went to a therapist, he made me see that I was not really in love with the man, but I was in love with the intensity of my feelings, the drama, the sex, the obsession.

You can definitely be addicted to a person, and like drugs or alcohol, a person can be toxic to you, mentally and physically.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 1/22/2010 9:04:54 AM >

(in reply to crazyml)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:01:45 AM

Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline

OP:
This was not a D-s realtionship ..there were aspects in it..but it was/is a co-dependent dysfuntional relating..
You are ADDICTED to this man and the way of realting...
How can I know?? I have been there..
The best thing I did was cut loose cold turkey and GET HELP..with a 12 Step program/councelling/research and treated the relationship like TOXIN to my life..

The only way it will STOP and you will become UN-doomed is COMPLETE letting GO..

That is a CHOICE..and you have FREE WILL and can continue until it hurts so bad or you hit bottom and free yourself..It is up to you and YOUR PROCESS.

IN a HEALTHY D-s relationhsip the D is responsible for ESTEEMING and building up the sub to be the best s/he can be...The D takes strength areas and builds upon them for her higher good..
THERE IS FREEDOM and liberation thru surrender in the SAFE CONTAINER HE creates for this relationship
There is not a tearing down of the person spirit and life..

GM

_____________________________

"Better served women will better serve the world"

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(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:06:54 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

not all doms are saints, they as a class are no better or worse than any other group of men , the only major difference between a dominant male and others is his uncanny ability to understand his women and manipulate them, other than that they can be ass holes too

< Message edited by osf -- 1/22/2010 9:08:00 AM >

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:08:33 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

Master Aramis...the bottom line for sure is that I am unhappy, he however is extremely happy. he has no problem with "us" which makes it all the more frustrating, and because he has no problem with us he will not even discuss what I perceive as problems, "the issues" are not earth shattering, they are problems to do with poly, his other relationships, feeling ignored, taken advantage of, those types of things, I am not trying to trash him here, he is who he is, he was wonderful enough for me to fall madly in love with, and when he loved me I was on cloud nine, my problems are about our situation now, not about him being a horrible person, I feel forgotten, he has no time for me, no interest in me, he is very poly so he doesn't "need me", he can make plans to go away with another slut for a weekend or week and not even tell me, and yes I know he has that right, but that is not who he use to be, that is not who I fell in love with, and now I feel I love a man who no longer exists, yet when I walk away, I can't stay away. I hope that helps clear it up for you.

(in reply to MasterAramis)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:09:03 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

quote:

IN a HEALTHY D-s relationhsip the D is responsible for ESTEEMING and building up the sub to be the best s/he can be...The D takes strength areas and builds upon them for her higher good..

that assumes all doms are saints, when they as a class are no better or worse than any other group of men , the only major difference between a dominant male and others is his uncanny ability to understand his women and manipulate them, other than that they can be ass holes too

I actually agree with this. And I also have to say that in a healthy relationship of ANY type, both people need to take responsibility for building themselves up. You cannot depend on a D-type or any man or woman to build up lost self esteem. It comes from within and can only be solved from within.

(in reply to osf)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:11:19 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

I actually agree with this

watch it , your coming around

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:14:26 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence
I never loved anyone like I loved him, and I never felt so loved.

Do you still feel that way? Yes to the first, no to the second

quote:

I walked, the first time he came after me, the second he didn’t and I returned anyway, when I did everything changed, my voluntary return sure shortened that leash in a hurry. I didn’t cope well, I began to feel insignificant, again I left, again I couldn’t stay away,

Seriously, and I know that people will be able to cite exceptions to this rule, but whenever I'm asked about "going back" I always say never, ever do it. Just maybe you might do it once - but if you find yourself leaving for a second time, then my advice becomes never,never,never-evvvvererrr do it.

quote:

he says I cant leave, he owns me, I can keep trying but I will always return, I am beginning to believe him.

Well he's doing a great job of making you dependent upon him for your self-esteem. Now some people go for precisely
this level of dependence - but it seems that you find it unfulfilling - hence the leaving. When I felt I mattered to him I loved that level of dependence, now it is a problem.

In my opinion - he's talking crap though - you're You (irrespective of the role you fulfil in a relationship) if you make the choice to leave you can. If you make the choice not to return, you wont return. You need to make the choice though.

quote:

I am in a place now where I have left again, I feel very badly treated, taken for granted and insignificant in his life.

I almost feel that now he has made me what he wanted to, he is disappointed and wants the woman he met back, and I can’t even remember who she was. Also it is like he almost delights in my pain and torment, that the more miserable he can make me and yet I stay is somehow proof of my submission to him.

If this is how he was when I fist met him I would not have given him the time of day, my head says that is enough to keep walking, but there is this pull that doesn’t come from my head that is so strong. I am miserable with him, and miserable without him. I don’t know which is worse.

So although some may think being owned for 10 years means I have lots of experience but he is my experience, I have no other reference point so finally I come to my question…is this typical, is it always this hard to break away, am I doomed to be miserable forever now either way, I am so torn.

Nah, if you leave him and stay away, you wont be miserable forever - it'll just feel like that for a while. The end of an intense relationship is akin to bereavement - you go through a mourning phase during which you may find yourself saying things like "forever"... but nothing is forever. You'll meet someone more compatible, even more wonderful and you'll feel so glad you took the step. thank you, I hope you are right

If, on the other hand you go back - then yes, I suspect you will be doomed to be miserable forever....thank you even more

So for what it's worth (which is very little given how little I know about you)... I say stay away, don't go back, take some time to remind yourself that you're a valuable, unique, special human being, and then get back in the game! If you feel that you still want a D/s component that's wonderful, but if you want a nilla relationship, ya know - that's ok too.

Good luck! thank you for the support, it means a lot hugs

(in reply to crazyml)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:17:07 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

Lady Pact... ty I will

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:21:24 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

osf..that is very true, when I leave I have a lot of guilt, I totally feel like I have let him down and that I should just suck it up and be happy he is happy and stop thinking about myself, I start to think about the things he has entrusted to me that it means I am also abandoning ie: business tasks I do for him, handling many of the issues with other slaves etc, when I leave I feel like I have failed, both him and myself.

(in reply to osf)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:25:02 AM

soundsofsilence

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

sexyred..the pain of being with him most definitely outweighs the pleasure, maybe if I can keep it that simple it will help me stay focused, ty for your words

and I totally agree he is an addiction, I completely believe that

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Is it me? - 1/22/2010 9:26:29 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

sounds, you sound like me a year or two ago...please write privately if you want.

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

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