RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fake it

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fake it

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fake it

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/6/2010 3:17:39 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

what does that even mean?

Oh, I get it. I should "pretend" to take a piss while I pour warm water down your throat?

_____________________________

(in reply to azjojoba)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/6/2010 3:35:16 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

I didn't read the cuckhold thread at all, so I can't really speak about that one. But I did read the full toilet thread, and as I said to the OP on that thread, I think he is using his fetish to intentionally keep himself from being in a healthy relationship. Now I'm not saying that a relationship that incorporated his desire to be a full toilet slave would make it an unhealthy relationship. But while he is on this "quest" for a partner to fufill that desire, he has said that he has approached "vanilla" women with it. That is a million to one definitive failure approach.

So I think a lot depends on the particular kink that they are seeking and would rather be alone if they can't have it. Toilet boy is looking for something way out on the ledge of popularity, and given his other statements, it seems like a great "shield" from a real relationship. On the other hand, I am very into anal sex. If a guy is unwilling to have anal sex, he is as good as gone, because it is something I want in my relationship and won't have a relationship without it. But anal sex is pretty much mainstream these days, so if one guy isn't into it, the 50 guys I talk to after him likely will be, so it isn't causing any life companion issues.

There are some things that one can roleplay the experience with as you gave examples of. There are some things where role play is just not going to be close enough to be a substitute. I think in the long run, those that are saying they would rather be alone if they can't have that "one" thing and that one thing is not so popular, then, like toilet boy, there are some other issues involved that are driving that decision.

We all always tell people not to settle for less than they want, but in reality, no one person is going to be everything we want. Some people will become polyamorous to get everything, others will weigh the important stuff out and decide what we can't live without. There are some people whose "can't live without" might simply be a means of making sure they never have to commit to a relationship for other reasons.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/6/2010 4:25:25 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I actually did give this advice earlier this week on the thread written by Giveandgive. Basically, regarding to his question about the situation lacking finding a suitable partner for m/m/f, buy a dildo and use it for the role play. (Especially for watching the oral part. Yum.) It isn't quite the same as getting the real live person in there, but it makes for hot scenarios role playing that it is the real thing.

There are some kinks that may be able to be done during play time only (water sports for example, rather than every time) and aren't as practical or applicable for constant inclusion. Some things, you may have to wait for, such as delivery of a certain toy, checking all participants to ensure they are d/d free, and so on. No reason not to role play until the event can occur.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/6/2010 4:43:21 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If it's just a kink that you like to do, then I think roleplay would work occasionally. But if it's a true fetish, then he'd need all the roleplay, every single time. Just like doing it for real would be entirely for him and do nothing for his partner, then roleplaying it would be the same thing.

Whether it's for real, or for pretend, nobody wants to be 24/7 seen as nothing but a way for their partner to get off.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to azjojoba)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/6/2010 7:09:33 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Regardless of whether it's fetish or a kink, when they're a one note samba about it, it's fucking annoying.

I hear that, just wanted to point out that we are talking about two different things. Someone being a pushy dick about having their fantasies catered to is different than someone with say an asphalt fetish for whom only a pothole will do.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 4:08:52 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Why is it all or nothing with a fetish, even if it means being alone?

A fetish can be quite a different thing from a fantasy. I agree with your point about folks who would hold out for someone who would indulge that one off the wall fantasy. Maybe your point is even well taken regarding less outlandish fantasies that are still less common (or shall we say "not the same old pedestrian") fetishes. I have never taken issue with someone who is holding out for something special so long as they take ownership of that fact and realize how they have reduced the size of the net they are casting.

I could picture myself in that same boat if something were to cause the end of the relationship I am in. I can't fathom what would cause that but things happen. I could end up alone not because I arbitrarily set the bar too high but because that is where she left it - and I am speaking only from a fetish standpoint and not all the other areas where we shine. It's not easy to go back to Miller Lite after you've been drinking Newscastle Brown Ale for so long.

< Message edited by DomImus -- 2/7/2010 4:11:08 AM >

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to AAkasha)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 7:53:08 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Because people are nuts?

Ok, really, I think folks get bogged down in the thought of their "happiness". I think too many people feel to entitled to have exactly what they want. If they don't get it, they become sullen and feel cheated. They stop seeing "people" and only see the kink.

Somehow this whole bdsm thing leads some people to believe that anything and everything is possible..... always.

Yep... people are nuts!

Jeff

I agree with this... interacting on adult websites looking for "compatible" people has taught me how true this is.. On one level, if people join an adult site just to experience their fantasies and it isn't about finding a long term partner... well it should be all about them and getting their rocks off... on the other hand, if one is looking for another person to build something with it is kinda like, "Get the fuck over yourself, it isn't all about you"

Just my thoughts

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Jeffff)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 7:56:29 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Regardless of whether it's fetish or a kink, when they're a one note samba about it, it's fucking annoying.

I hear that, just wanted to point out that we are talking about two different things. Someone being a pushy dick about having their fantasies catered to is different than someone with say an asphalt fetish for whom only a pothole will do.

I'm trying to see the difference, honestly. Can you explain the distinction a little more please?

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to GotSteel)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:01:48 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Regardless of whether it's fetish or a kink, when they're a one note samba about it, it's fucking annoying.

I hear that, just wanted to point out that we are talking about two different things. Someone being a pushy dick about having their fantasies catered to is different than someone with say an asphalt fetish for whom only a pothole will do.

I'm trying to see the difference, honestly. Can you explain the distinction a little more please?

- LA

From my understanding people with fantasies can diversify them, and have other sexually satisfying sexual experiences that do not involve having a fantasy met...

A true fetishist cannot get aroused without their kink involved in some way... I had a boyfriend with a true pantyhose fetish.. which was alright until I got tired of the pantyhose having to be present all the freaking time... that relationship was short lived once we became lovers... which took months of dating to get there

Edited to add... I also dated a guy with a proclivity toward finding wet hair sexually arousing.. that relationship ended when he poured water on my head because I did not feel like washing my hair to get him hot... that pissed me off so bad I never returned another phone call

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 2/7/2010 8:04:14 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:20:41 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Regardless of whether it's fetish or a kink, when they're a one note samba about it, it's fucking annoying.

I hear that, just wanted to point out that we are talking about two different things. Someone being a pushy dick about having their fantasies catered to is different than someone with say an asphalt fetish for whom only a pothole will do.

I'm trying to see the difference, honestly. Can you explain the distinction a little more please?

- LA

From my understanding people with fantasies can diversify them, and have other sexually satisfying sexual experiences that do not involve having a fantasy met...

That's what I meant by the one note samba. Call it a kink, a fetish... call it a banana. I won't be in any relationship with anyone who can't diversify.

quote:

A true fetishist cannot get aroused without their kink involved in some way... I had a boyfriend with a true pantyhose fetish.. which was alright until I got tired of the pantyhose having to be present all the freaking time... that relationship was short lived once we became lovers... which took months of dating to get there

Like my example in my initial response to the OP about the cuck.

quote:

Edited to add... I also dated a guy with a proclivity toward finding wet hair sexually arousing.. that relationship ended when he poured water on my head because I did not feel like washing my hair to get him hot... that pissed me off so bad I never returned another phone call

Sounds like a real charmer!

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:31:04 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

That's what I meant by the one note samba. Call it a kink, a fetish... call it a banana. I won't be in any relationship with anyone who can't diversify.

I think that it took me about 35 years to get there... and I have attracted a few men with these strange fetishes and kinks because of my submissive nature and wanting to "please" my man, sometimes to the exclusion of my own pleasure. I found the scene in The Secretary where she goes around answering ads from the newspaper tragically funny because of my own experiences....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:38:28 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

That's what I meant by the one note samba. Call it a kink, a fetish... call it a banana. I won't be in any relationship with anyone who can't diversify.

I think that it took me about 35 years to get there... and I have attracted a few men with these strange fetishes and kinks because of my submissive nature and wanting to "please" my man, sometimes to the exclusion of my own pleasure. I found the scene in The Secretary where she goes around answering ads from the newspaper tragically funny because of my own experiences....

Well I think this is not something that only plagues submissive women. In the interest of finding a partner, in the past I allowed myself to enter in relationships with individuals who clearly were focussed on a fetish.

I find it fantastic when a man can tell me what it is that he likes and trusts that I will incorporate that into play if it is something that I like as well.

I have however met men who sort of just slide their fetish in there like a simple desire, but then when you start talking to them, that particular thing keeps coming up in conversation.

Example:

Me: I expect that a man find creative ways of showing his devotion to me.

Him: Like by worshipping your feet Miss?

Me: Amongst other things. Always focussing on the feet isn't very creative, is it now...

Him: Agreed Miss. But I really like to show my devotion by worshipping feet.

That is when me and my feet just walk away...

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:41:06 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Kink is something you share with someone who shares that kink happily with you.

Fetish is something you need so badly that the person who may share it with you gets annoyed that it is about the "thing" instead of you.

However, if you like anal sex for example, while it is now mainstream as LL said, some people find it exclusionary and call THAT a fetish simply because they are not into it.

So in some ways it is semantics, once again. From my perspective, if you need something in order to get off, that is a fetish.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 33

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:44:13 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Kink is something you share with someone who shares that kink happily with you.

Fetish is something you need so badly that the person who may share it with you gets annoyed that it is about the "thing" instead of you.

However, if you like anal sex for example, while it is now mainstream as LL said, some people find it exclusionary and call THAT a fetish simply because they are not into it.

So in some ways it is semantics, once again. From my perspective, if you need something in order to get off, that is a fetish.

Agreed. But something doesn't have to be a fetish for someone to obsess over it. Someone can obsess over a kink. That was my point.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to sexyred1)

Profile

Post #: 34

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:47:59 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I had not thought of this as being a female dominant problem, I am glad to learn something new...

Although it is pretty easy to spot when a man is trying to use a submissive for the same purposes... just takes a little more effort....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Profile

Post #: 35

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:53:50 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I had not thought of this as being a female dominant problem, I am glad to learn something new...

Oh yes! I mean Akasha, a dominant woman, started this thread, right?

quote:

Although it is pretty easy to spot when a man is trying to use a submissive for the same purposes... just takes a little more effort....

I'm curious to know why you think it would take more effort for a submissive.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 36

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:57:53 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I'm curious to know why you think it would take more effort for a submissive.

Perhaps I am incorrect, but when a man emails the submissive they are often the ones that control the flow of conversation... at least with this submissive that is true. In other words I let them direct the conversation..

So the above conversation about kinks and fetishes may not happen as quickly, especially if it is a smart man. Both men I was involved with that had these sexual obsessions did not come out and tell me that they had them. It took them time to unleash it, and once they did the true nature of their fetish/kink and how obsessive they were about it became apparent...

Because D/s can be considered a kink by many, I suppose that the compatible kink of power exchange has kept this sort of thing from entering any relationship I have been involved with for the last 10 years

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Profile

Post #: 37

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 9:00:59 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

For some people, their fetish is the end all be all of their interactions and they cannot get anywhere without those fetishes being addressed. I had a sub like this, where no matter what we did or how we did it, unless it came around to the same scenario every time we played he didnt get into it. Nothing else could get his physical reactions, even though mentally he wanted to get involved it was like he had a block to it.

The problem on here, though, is that the vast majority of the people who are miserable because their fetishes or kinks aret being met have never actually tried living that way before. They have some that ate highly unrealistic but they dont know it because in their head it would be perfect. They have no concept of what it might be like outside their imaginary world.

Cuckolds tend to forget that they are bringing a third person emotionally into the fray and it might have repercussions beyond a one night stand for their enjoyment. They are so interested in the act they will be getting off on, that forward thinking doesnt happen and when it does and they realize that they may be dealing with having another person around more than just once for an anonymous tryst, the fantasy falls apart. Been there done that. People with toilet fetishes can develop major health issues, but that never enters into the thought process. The realities behind the kinks and fantasies are buzzkills, and so they are not taken into consideration. When they talk to a dominant, though, they are and they are labeled incompatible most of the time.

People are not willing to abandon their long term fantasies just because they havent yet had a chance to act them out. They worry they will forever regret not making the effort to find someone to make them do what they think they want to be made to do, and it might cause problems if they settle. Eventually they will have to decide if they want to be alone, or want to settle for another fantasy so they can possibly work up to the big one, or it may lose its importance once they meet someone who teaches them other things.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 38

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 9:06:40 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I'm curious to know why you think it would take more effort for a submissive.

Perhaps I am incorrect, but when a man emails the submissive they are often the ones that control the flow of conversation... at least with this submissive that is true. In other words I let them direct the conversation..

So the above conversation about kinks and fetishes may not happen as quickly, especially if it is a smart man. Both men I was involved with that had these sexual obsessions did not come out and tell me that they had them. It took them time to unleash it, and once they did the true nature of their fetish/kink and how obsessive they were about it became apparent...

Because D/s can be considered a kink by many, I suppose that the compatible kink of power exchange has kept this sort of thing from entering any relationship I have been involved with for the last 10 years

Thank you for sharing that with me. Though this might be veering off the topic little, I think that it's still close enough.

You are right that in initial D/s discussions, in order for a dynamic to be properly established, the D should be directing it. However, it is the D's responsability to give the s an opportunity to ask questions. I do this all the time. I ask some key questions to uncover if the baseline is there (often times, I can tell by their original correspondance and their profile is there is a baseline). But I will probe. Once we have gotten through that intial first step, I invite them to ask me any question that they like, provided that they are respectful in doing so.

See the thing is, your first sign should be that if he isn't allowing you to ask questions or discuss sexuality or other important topics that are at the core of a intimate D/s relationship, that should be your warning sign right there.

I am dominant, yes. But I do not manipulate boys into getting my way. I inspire them to submit to my way. And that can only be done through communication.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 39

RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 9:12:15 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline