RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fake it

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 9:16:32 AM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Thank you for sharing that with me. Though this might be veering off the topic little, I think that it's still close enough.

You are right that in initial D/s discussions, in order for a dynamic to be properly established, the D should be directing it. However, it is the D's responsability to give the s an opportunity to ask questions. I do this all the time. I ask some key questions to uncover if the baseline is there (often times, I can tell by their original correspondance and their profile is there is a baseline). But I will probe. Once we have gotten through that intial first step, I invite them to ask me any question that they like, provided that they are respectful in doing so.

See the thing is, your first sign should be that if he isn't allowing you to ask questions or discuss sexuality or other important topics that are at the core of a intimate D/s relationship, that should be your warning sign right there.

I am dominant, yes. But I do not manipulate boys into getting my way. I inspire them to submit to my way. And that can only be done through communication.

- LA

I do not think this is veering too much off topic because part of the topic is faking a fetish, so it makes sense that we would discuss the challenges of interacting with those who have them...lol.

I have developed a good bullshit radar, so if a prospective dominant did not encourage back and forth dialogue I would not pursue it. I have interacted with dominants that wanted to use my submissive nature to feed their own fetishes, and once I made this determination I cut off contact. My point is that there has been a time or two that it took several conversations to get to what they expected of me and discussing their wants and desires... which often seemed to be focused on a narrow sliver of some kink they had. It is incompatibility at the very least, and when they are not interested in my desires, it is their kinks to the exclusion of my desires... My point is that you have the power to direct the conversation in such ways that expose a sub that just wants to use you as a vehicle to fulfill their fetish...

And to be fair, some believe that a submissiv's role is as a vehicle to fulfill the dominant's desires....

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 1:16:47 PM

domiguy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

My brain is to big.

~cough~

You should have that ""loked" at. I am sincerely worried. You subbies are generally a weak lot and routinely "pass on" from the weakest of influenzas and colds.

Everyone knows that there are only so many O's in the world at any given time...I'm saving mine for yu....Yu will need them all...Upn arriving in Chicag and after yu enjy a strng dmidnging there is a distinct pssibility that the wrld might be entirely depleted.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 2/7/2010 1:18:00 PM >

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 3:54:44 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Agreed. But something doesn't have to be a fetish for someone to obsess over it. Someone can obsess over a kink. That was my point.

I hear that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
I'm trying to see the difference, honestly. Can you explain the distinction a little more please?

Did Julia's post clear things up?

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 5:15:22 PM

PeonForHer

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That reminds me, Akasha, about one of your fantasies, that you mentioned many moons ago:

I can do three-lever mortice locks, now.

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 5:20:14 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

You subbies are generally a weak lot and routinely "pass on" from the weakest of influenzas and colds.

Bollocks. I haven't been ill for years, and I've never lost an arm-wrestle.

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 7:25:06 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Agreed. But something doesn't have to be a fetish for someone to obsess over it. Someone can obsess over a kink. That was my point.

I hear that.

Great.

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
I'm trying to see the difference, honestly. Can you explain the distinction a little more please?

Did Julia's post clear things up?

Oh I knew what the distinction between a kink and a fetish was a long time before this post. I've started many a thread regarding fetishes and I've studied this academically.

Where I didn't see there was a distinction is in that I don't care if it's a fetish or a kink. When someone can't talk about anything other than one thing, it doesn't matter what that one thing is to them. It only matters that they are hypefocussing on that one thing.

- LA

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:32:12 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Where I didn't see there was a distinction is in that I don't care if it's a fetish or a kink. When someone can't talk about anything other than one thing, it doesn't matter what that one thing is to them. It only matters that they are hypefocussing on that one thing.

Yeah I agree with you, from a do I want to get into a relationship with this person perspective it wouldn't really matter if they couldn't do without or just wouldn't do without.

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:42:34 PM

DesFIP

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Although to be fair, someone who has never had the opportunity of trying something will overemphasize its importance. Yet once they can have it occasionally it falls back into its proper place.

Like craving a food, you focus on it solely but once you indulge the craving, you may not want it again for weeks.

However I agree that it isn't a stranger's obligation to indulge this. Ask a friend or pay a professional.

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 8:54:58 PM

GotSteel

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That's the sort of thing that would depend on whether it's a kink or a fetish.

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/7/2010 10:58:30 PM

jujubeeMB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

My brain is to big.

~cough~

You should have that ""loked" at. I am sincerely worried. You subbies are generally a weak lot and routinely "pass on" from the weakest of influenzas and colds.

Everyone knows that there are only so many O's in the world at any given time...I'm saving mine for yu....Yu will need them all...Upn arriving in Chicag and after yu enjy a strng dmidnging there is a distinct pssibility that the wrld might be entirely depleted.

I think that's the best recovery from being called out on a typo I've ever seen in my life...

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/8/2010 2:44:38 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

That's the sort of thing that would depend on whether it's a kink or a fetish.

Ok. so in response to DesFIP's answer, you say it depends on whether it's a (yet to be fully experienced) kink or a fetish.

I guess that if it a (yet to be fully experienced) kink, then yes, doing it a few times would stop the person to hyperfocus on it, maybe. But if they discover that it is a fetish, it will just feed this, right? So essentially it's a gamble, to see how it's all going to turn out?

The thing is, ideally someone works these things out before they enter into a relatioship dynamic. I myself have a few kinks that I haven't had the opportunity to fully explore because I've rarely met men masochistic enough to go that far. Am I going to hyperfocus on this and stop myself from being with a really great guy that meet 80% of my requirements? Gosh no! Maybe I'll simply see if in time I can get him there, but not to the detriment of our dynamic.

- LA

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RE: If your fetish is making you miserable, why not fak... - 2/9/2010 9:16:02 AM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
The thing is, ideally someone works these things out before they enter into a relatioship dynamic. I myself have a few kinks that I haven't had the opportunity to fully explore because I've rarely met men masochistic enough to go that far. Am I going to hyperfocus on this and stop myself from being with a really great guy that meet 80% of my requirements? Gosh no! Maybe I'll simply see if in time I can get him there, but not to the detriment of our dynamic.

I'm not in anyway condoning their behavior, advising anyone to put up with it or criticizing you for venting about it. The OP basically asked why people behave like this and I've endeavored to answer her question by explaining that she's asking about two different things.

If it's a fetish it is all or nothing for them because that's how they are wired and as far as I know we can't really fix that. That telling for instance asphalt fetish guy "couldn't you just settle for having sex with women instead of roads, you could maybe put a traffic cone on her head" is as pointless as telling a straight guy to have sex with another guy and just settle for putting a wig on him. It just isn't going to work out.

The other option is a kink and you, me and plenty of other people around here have the maturity to balance their kink with the more important aspects of life. However there are also plenty of people around here who have been sexually repressed to the point that just isn't the case. For a lot of the more pedestrian kinks that's fine we just end up with the constant sub frenzy threads from 40 year olds acting like kids, hopefully it's a wonderful time in a young persons life, birds, bees, blah blah blah whatever. But then there are the not so common or excepted kinks like being used as a full potty. So we end up with somebody who's as obsessed with getting to second base as a high school nerd but the rest of us really don't want to know what second base means to him.

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