RE: A Domme in sub's clothing

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RE: A Domme in sub's clothing - 2/11/2010 3:09:48 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

Looking back, I think the most logical way to experiment with kink, if you are a woman, is to do it as a submissive. Otherwise you have to somehow overcome a whole lot of stereotypes and rules of dating while being influenced by a ruthless peer group and pressure of what is considered normal. Nowadays, add in social media aspect of it where your private life probably isn't very private, and it's got to be even more volatile and dangerous. If I did what I did in high school, I imagine it would end up on someone's facebook page (god I can think of a few "youtube videos" that would appear) and the next call would be from the principal's office and my parents would be told I had a sex problem!

You are so spot on. When I was in my late teens, I had a steady boyfriend. I had managed to convince him to let me tie him up and we played little games. I was somewhat dominant but more aggressive in our relationship.

But there were 2 strong messages that I got at that time in my life:

Firstly, because I was a little more agressive, I would kiss him, and his response was "stop being the guy". Interesting, huh? In fact, I think once he told me I kissed like a guy and I teased him for at least the rest of the day questioning how he knew what guys kissed like. He was obviously trying to compartementalize things in his mind.

Secondly, my dad used to remind me constantly that men didn't like pushy women. He truly wanted me to be a proper little miss. He wasn't the only one passing me this message. My friends used to give me a whole bunch of unsollicited dating advice. Needless to say, I hated it. I still get these comments today but now I know better. Also, because I understand my dominance more, I'm not nearly so "aggressive".

So yes, your whole post really rang true with me Akasha. Thanks :-)

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 2/11/2010 3:37:57 PM >

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RE: A Domme in sub's clothing - 2/11/2010 8:18:26 PM

Andalusite

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GloriousMorning, "fast reply" just means he was responding to the original post rather than to the person who happened to post last, not the length of the post.

LA, I had a couple of vanilla relationships before I got into BDSM, but not many. My parents wouldn't let me date in high school, and I started dating a submissive man when I was 20. I was very explicitly in charge of anything sexual, and they tended to defer to me in other respects. Once I got involved with the public BDSM community (for a couple of years starting about 6 years ago), I ran into quite a few people who tried to insist that I should be submissive, or was submissive. I had to turn down a few potential playpartners over the whole issue, and got into the occasional argument about it with people who weren't even interested in playing with me (mostly submissive women, oddly enough). None of the people I've actually dated have seemed to have any problems with my sexuality or kink, but it's been challenged quite a bit in the BDSM and gay/lesbian communities (over different issues). I think there's a lot of pressure on women to be submissive rather than dominant, but for me, it came from the people who *identified* as being into D/s and/or BDSM, rather than vanilla society.

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RE: A Domme in sub's clothing - 2/12/2010 12:10:13 AM

thaprincess

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Well when I was with my ex boyfriend (the person who actually introduced me to BDSM in the first place), I tried my hand at being a sub. My then boyfriend had told me he was a submissive, but then when I told him I was interested in learning more, he flipped and told me that he thought I'd be better off as a sub. Oddly enough I was happy trying to please him all the time as my master, but at the same time part of me was fighting his authority all the time. He'd tell me to do stuff and I'd look at him like he'd lost his mind. So that didn't work out too well.

Then with more time and research on my own, I figured out that I was better suited to being a Domme. I've always had a bit of a rebellious streak in me and I've never been one to deal with being told what to do for too long. But I'm also not a big sadist and I take alot more pleasure in having my sub be obedient than having to discipline him. So I guess you could say I'm more of the motherly type of Domme, always looking to mentor and nurture my sub. But I'm going off topic, so I'll stop now...

< Message edited by thaprincess -- 2/12/2010 12:12:02 AM >

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RE: A Domme in sub's clothing - 2/12/2010 4:31:51 AM

LadyAngelika

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Thanks for chiming in, thaprincess. I do appreciate it and I don't think you went off topic at all.

You bring up an interesting point: wanting to please. Because of myriad reasons, I've always wanted to make everyone happy. In my professional life like in my personal life, it is important that the people around me are happy, sometimes to my detriment, though I have worked on that last part over the years. An example is when I host a party, I'll prepare for a day or two in advance making sure everything is just perfect and fussing over every little detail and then during the party, won't stop for a moment to make sure everything is just so, even if it's being catered, etc. I want to make sure everyone is pleased.

So yes, being somewhat of a "pleasey person" as one of my good friends refers to herself as, it further confuses the issue of Dom/sub. When I was with my Dominant partners, I was very happy to see them pleased. But like you, there were times where I was like "I just don't want to do that, no way, josé!" and at that point the pleasy person became a stubborn person who was going to get "her" way. That, of course, is the Domme part ;-)

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 2/12/2010 4:32:28 AM >

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RE: A Domme in sub's clothing - 2/12/2010 6:05:32 AM

allthatjaz

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I don't believe that being stubborn is necessarily a Domme/Dom part.
As I have said before, I am not submissive other than to the moment. I couldn't be submissive because I also reach a stage (rather quickly) where I'm questioning what I am doing and it all starts to feel a bit like a silly game. The stubborn and resistant side of me is not a dominant side but my personality coming out. When I am being stubborn I am not feeling dominant in the least but just not turned on by the environment I am in.
I am very in tune with my dominant side but thats a hunger I must taste. An example of that is not when a man is trying to dominate me because that just annoys me but when all the signals are in the right place. Dominance for me can only take shape and form when the situation is right.
A determined personality has made domination very easy for me. It appears to flow from me without actually having to feel dominant. I have had people tell me that I have a very dominant personality which always surprises me but that is just an aura I give off and really has nothing to do with being dominant but more to do with the person I am because that is non changing on scene or in vanilla.
When I do actually feel dominant I am in a highly charged and sexual mood. The giving of pain brings me pleasure, control at this point highly turns me on but if someone is trying to dominate me during those periods I just get turned off and annoyed.

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