RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Relationship Help??

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RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 7:42:50 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

she asked me to leave her alone so she could hurt herself, which of course i didnt.

You should have. She blackmailed you, you fell for it, and turned you into an enabler. It is a pattern, and she needs counseling. She won't get that until you let her fall when she is trying to get you to catch her. Right now she can be as depressed and dysfunctional as she wants to be, because you are there protecting her. It will be hard to withdraw your support, but tough love is what is called for, or this will go on forever.

This lines of thinking is not uncommon, however it's a misconception. Self Injury is a misunderstood topic... Do some reading up upon the subject to gain enlightenment.

http://self-injury.net/information-recovery/family-and-friends

It's wise to be in touch with how your partners actions and issues effect you. Because how you react or respond will play a major role. Where ones misconceptions and emotions can add additional pressure or misunderstanding.

You don't want to become an enabler, and you don't want to become part of the problem. It's a tricky ground. Requires one to gain some understanding of how your partners issues effect you.

Again, simply passing your partner off to Professionals and expecting miracles is not realistic. There is more to it than some people think.

Articles such as this one, is good for any DOM (stratch that), anybody who is in a relationship where there partner has an issue. Regardless of your orientation, don't think there are not things you need to do.

Google "self injury support" and you'll find many interesting things to read. I myself had to read up on this very topic before, and figure out to deal with it myself. The issues of our partners do effect us. We ourselves need Help as well. Our Partners also needs our help and support.

It's a literally illresponsible of people who simply proclaim, the school of thought about there's nothing you can do. Shove your partner into the Doors of Professional and expect it to be the Magic Cure lines of thinking. With or without Professional help, our partners still need our support and help. We ourselves need help as well.

Regardless of your orientation, it's always wise to educate yourself on such matters.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 8:20:38 AM

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In regards to self injury, many people at some point in time harm themselves physically. This is rather some what normal behavior that happens at times. Does not automatically denote that they require or need professional help ASAP. If self injury is an on going problem or issue, then consider getting help.

Depends upon the degree or extent of injury and frequency even. This can become a touchy subject of debate. In regards to Masochistic. I myself have openly admitted the need to occasional pain fixes, to sort of balance me out. Generally, this is when I myself was faced with an extreme amount of stress. I myself at one point in time went to therapy for awhile for some different issues. However, this question did come up. I was 100% honest about it too. Was not judged nor labeled as having a self injury problem. Mind you, I do or do not know if my therapist was/is on a list of Kink friendly people. I suspect, that a kink friendly one tend to access this in a smilar manner. I do not have a degree in this stuff. I just have my own set of experiences. I'm sharing in part some it.

I was not distressed about the fact, I had ever injured myself. It's never caused me to loose a great deal of sleep over it. I've not had a great deal of shame over it either. Again, no distress nor lasting issues as the result of my own self Injury that occurs every so often.

If self injury is causing anybody a great deal of distress, their partners distress, and the injuries are extreme in nature. Seek out help.

(edited to add) Wanted to share this link because some forms of self injury are practiced in the BDSM community to a degree. This link is from the Vanilla perspective, however gives you an idea as to where things sort of fit in. It's interesting when applied to Masochistics in general. :-)

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 2/11/2010 8:33:38 AM >

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 9:22:35 AM

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~FR~

IF she needs counseling (and I'm not sure with such limited info that I want to come to that conclusion) and money is tight, have you tried applying for a State medical assistance program? As she is unemployed she may well qualify for medical assistance. At the least she should see her doctor about a weight loss program/diet, managed by her physician. Just a thought.

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Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)

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(in reply to MAMandSlave)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 10:04:52 AM

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Hello OP
This of course is only my opinion, which has been derived from real life personal experience. I have suffered from depression the majority of my life. At this time I am currently working with herbs and other things to keep me balance. This though is done through my own monitoring, since I know myself very well. There are a few people who have known me for eons that I will go too, when I feel I need advice on how I am doing. ...like a reality check.

The problem I see in going M/s as a cure is she will be lost if anything ever happens to you or the relationnship. It becomes a hard path when one does not take responsibility for their own mental well being. Without that, they cannot grow themselves without the aid of another person holding them up. Even in couselor/client relationships, the counselor must be sure their client does not transfer a God/Goddess image on them. I feel this is a possibility in M/s, and it does not help but cripple the person. Is this something you want in your life? She needs to have her own self-empowermet and find it through avenues that both include you and not.

If she chooses not to go to counseling, and not being able to afford it is only an excuse, then she needs other outlets to embrace herself, her self-worth, self- everything. To enter a M/s or any type of relationship without coming from her inner core of self, is only a band-aid effect, in serving completely another as a 'human' and in this case slave. She will not heal, and still will not know the inner harmony coming from with-in...instead it will always be attach to someone outside them. IMHO this is the worst thing any Dom can do to their s-type. It does not promote healing but an addiction on them.

Helping her with structure and encouragement is good, and I hope you will encourage her to self-empower. One last thing, artist, writer etc can have dry spells, and feel not inspire to paint or write. Sometimes to view a remarkable view or thought is all that is needed to spark the creativity. I remember an old boyfriend came home with a draftman table he found. He set it up in the attic and put plenty of art material there for me to play. While I sat there he sat beside me and wrote poetry. He encourage my artistic nature and shared his. Though it did not heal me overnight, it encourage me to be me. I been fortunate to have had men that had a need to encourage my self worth and helped me to stay discipline in finding the wonder of life.

As I said this comes from my own intake and experience. I do wish you both well and glowing self worth with a strong urge to express life in all its' wonders.

wisdom

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to HisSub1213)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 10:29:11 AM

BlueEyedSubinDE

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"What set it off a few days ago was her fave (and last) pair of stockings ran while trying to pull them high enough for her garter belt.
This set off the "i cant look sexy anymore", and it went from there.
Before this she was ok, and since then she has got better. "

This from my own personal experience is a huge sign that she needs help and soon. I had never had an issue with depression beyond an occassional bout of the blues. Then for some reason, who knows why. Things just kept building up, while I knew "something was wrong", I didn't know what. Finally I took a day off from work just to clear my head, have some time to myself. I put my ATM card in my pocket and forgot about it and I broke it. That was it, I lost it and started crying. With no exageration, I will tell you I cried for hours. Fortunately someone else found out I was in a state and took me to the er where I was admitted. I still remember the nurse asking me why was I here and me telling her "I broke my ATM card". That was finally the straw that broke the camel's back, while in my mind, I was crying over a stupid ATM card, in reality it was everything else that had built up.

Depression in my opinion, is the inability to properly express anger. When it's not expressed, it still has to go somewhere, so it gets bottled till at some point the dam bursts, the cup overflows, etc. etc. Yes it COULD BE that she does feel better because she has cleared out some room in the anger closet.

Yes, walking helped me, along with therapy and a few other things. This is going to sound really strange but what really helped me was to scribble how I was feeling. It started with the traditional journal, "today I feel sad because...." but then I found myself scribbling these dark heavy lines as I thought about things, and then as I released the anger, the scribbling became lighter.

BTW, yes professional help for her would be great, but we are broke and dont have the $$s to pay for it :(

If she had cancer would you say the same thing? Or would you look for every available option. Depression can be fatal too.

Feel free to email me.

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 2:42:07 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

Again, simply passing your partner off to Professionals and expecting miracles is not realistic. There is more to it than some people think.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the OP should get his partner into counseling and then sit back and let the pros do the work. What we are saying is that the OP is not a counselor, he doesn't have the education or training to be a counselor and therefore should seek the help of professionals for his partner. Most qualified counselors after speaking with his partner will also want to talk with him, and he can certainly ask to speak with them for their suggestions on what he can do at home to help. It's a multi-faceted approach. She needs counseling, the support of her partner, exercise, and short term goals regarding her employment situation.

Even if she were to see a counselor rather than a "therapist," the counselor might still make the determination that she needs medication. No one should be on a life long script of anti-depressants, but yes they do help in the short term to assist a person on the day to day struggles while developing better coping skills.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 5:51:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I could see if she had a history of depression, but that doesn't seem the case here.

One does not need a "history of depression" to be "depressed". Note from the OP's post:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchInAdelaide

Recently my partner has become quite depressed and lost... hates her own image... Our sex life has pretty much dropped to 0, which is very strange since normally she cant get enough... She became so depressed/distraught a few days ago (first time ive seen her like this) that she asked me to leave her alone so she could hurt herself...

These are symptoms of DEPRESSION. One need not be in "major" or "severe" depression (requiring prescription meds) to be "depressed". Some 15 million people per year exhibit mild to moderate depression; hence my suggestion to try a natural supplement like St. John's Wort that has been clinically proven to work well for mild/moderate depression, but WITHOUT the side-effects of its pharmaceutical couterparts.

I would give her a tremendous amount of love and support.

quote:

Be proactive in helping her find the positives in her life... change your diets together, help her reestablish her artistic career. Remind her of how beautiful she is to you. Be a positive influence over her life.

This all nice and well, but depending on how severely she's depressed (and she is... hence wanting to HURT HERSELF), the above won't likely have the effect you're thinking it will.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Aileen1968)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 5:54:37 PM

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As far as getting professional help with no insurance/lack of funds- start hunting the yellow pages for the local community health center- many places have these, they are contracted to treat the uninsured mental health clinets. In Ohio they are funded by local ADAMHS boards and the state department of health. (CM me with location and I'll see what I can come up with)

Any threats to attempts to hurt yourself is grounds for an automatic 72 committment to the nearest psychiatric ward,as you are a danger to yourself. This may be the fastest way to link up with the local center, as part of discharge planning inclused a referral; often the same docs that staff the hospital wards work in the mental health center. If she threatens to hurt herself again you can call the local crisis line, 911, or haul her butt to the nearest ER. Warning- this route will not be the prettiest, espcially going in through the ER. ER nurses just aren't comfortable with MH patients, and the wait for evaluation and admission can stretch to several hours. Being involuntarily committed can be a real drag, you basically lose the right to refuse treatment, and have to say all the right things to get released. Your also in a locked ward with the truely crazy psychotics, a fair amount of assholes, and depending upon the facility, the geri-psych alzheimers and dual diagnosis in for medication adjustment. along with the drug addicts and alcoholics since all the chemical dependency units have closed.

Many of the most common antidepressants and a few mood stablizers and antipsychotics have now hit the $4.00 generic lists at Walmarts and such places. The more expensive meds can often by accessed through www.needymeds.com, the site and paplications are pretty self explanatroy, all do require a valid prescription from a licensed physician.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/11/2010 11:35:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr

As far as getting professional help with no insurance/lack of funds- start hunting the yellow pages for the local community health center- many places have these, they are contracted to treat the uninsured mental health clinets. In Ohio they are funded by local ADAMHS boards and the state department of health. (CM me with location and I'll see what I can come up with)

The OP is in Australia which is why I provided suggestions earlier about where to go or who to contact here

quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr

Any threats to attempts to hurt yourself is grounds for an automatic 72 committment to the nearest psychiatric ward,as you are a danger to yourself.

In Australia a person needs to be at immediate risk of suicide or harming others to be admitted involuntarily. This doesn't sound like it was the case in the example cited here.

I also am not advocating medication initially but rather having a professional to talk with about her frustrations about self image, unemployment, financial issues etc as well as talking openly with her partner who has shown his care and concern for her in his posts here.

And yes going for walks, eating healthier, a regular sleep routine even when not working is vital. There are a lot of enjoyable things that can be free or cheap to do such as going for a picnic or a walk in a nice park, going to the movies on the half price night, seeing if there are any free events in the city etc. Schedule in one enjoyable activity a week. Journalling may be helpful and ensuring she socialises rather than isolates herself from friends and family.

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(in reply to afkarr)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/12/2010 12:25:19 AM

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In australia your GP can set up a treatment plan... this allows 5 free visits to a psychiatrist or psycologist ., (or any other profesional eg a nutrionist )

I believe the only thing you need to qualify is an ongoing issue that the GP feels will respond to specialist treatment .... depression or other emotional/mental effective issues should qualify....... this does not mean you get a diagnosis of mental illness ... just that your GP believes it will help ... I am sure you could ring a GP and ask for more details.

If she is unemployed she could also get further assistance beyond this either for no cost or very very low cost ... includeing pyschiatry and other support services

so haveing no money or limited funds should not be an issue in getting help ....

(in reply to wandersalone)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/12/2010 9:55:51 AM

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I agree with therapy.

Any place where she can teach art in the community where they might have a room or studio that she could use? Would any art supply stores know of anything that might be of help? Other artists that she knows?

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/14/2010 8:17:48 AM

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quote:

I am trying to decide if enforcing a Master (me) / Sub relationship would help her.

You would destroy her.

We are humans, friends, and lovers before we are masters and slaves.

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Corny movie cliche that just happens to be true.

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/15/2010 12:23:12 AM

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There is a philosophy that Happiness comes from the spirit. It is a choice.

Quote:
"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But, there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment you have and remember: time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination."
-Souza

I didnt read all the posts but it seems most are advising professional therapy. Only rich people can afford that. Poor people get happy pills. And, now since the world economy crashed they cant even get happy pills in many parts of America. I'm not sure any of that would help anyway. They are constantly inventing new happy pills for one reason: they don't work. In the 50's it was meth, then valium, then quualudes and on and on. There is no happy chemical. And if there is a happy chemical I hope they never find it. Imagine the misery we might all be in but no one cares because we discovered the happy chemical. OH JOY!

I would approach M/s with your roommate the same way you would anyone else. Just cause she is depressed doesnt mean she cant make decisions. It is usually better to do something than nothing. I dont see how a M/s with your roommate would hurt her. Even if you pass away in a month at least that was one month of help and not zero.

And, I think you are really great for not kicking her out for losing her job. You are a friend indeed. You are going to get good karma.

(in reply to texangael)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/16/2010 9:58:52 PM

YesMistressIrish

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quote:

Serious answer? An M/s relationship won;t help as I see it. If this is a serious as you make it sound, this isn't a bit of a downer that she can be "slapped" out of.

She is your partner, tell her you love her and then take her to see a counselor. If she resists, insist!

The M/s has nothing to do with it, insist as her caring partner. If the first counselor doesn't help, find another or another.

If this is serious mental illness, treat it as such. If she had cancer would a list of chores help that?

Jeff

BINGO!

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/17/2010 1:45:36 PM

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I haven't read all the posts, but from what I have read...She had an emotional snap. I've had this happen to me, and yes it does throw me into depression almost every time. I know it does...which makes the snap worse because I hate myself when I depressed. A cycle that is incredibly hard to break.

Please take the advice of everyone and do not start a M/s relationship with her while she is feeling down. It won't help. What helps me the most from my partners is to have them be there, hold me when I need to be held, just be in the room, tell me every day they love me and that I am beautiful (even skinny girls have body image problems). My Dom backed off the BDSM while I was down, as much as I wanted it, and now I know it was a good idea. Just be there for her. Give her room to do her art, and surprise her with some stockings so she knows you like her feeling sexy and it is as important to you as it is to her. ^_^

(in reply to MAMandSlave)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/17/2010 2:44:25 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

she asked me to leave her alone so she could hurt herself, which of course i didnt.

You should have. She blackmailed you, you fell for it, and turned you into an enabler. It is a pattern, and she needs counseling. She won't get that until you let her fall when she is trying to get you to catch her. Right now she can be as depressed and dysfunctional as she wants to be, because you are there protecting her. It will be hard to withdraw your support, but tough love is what is called for, or this will go on forever.

Don't you ever consider what spills out of your mouth before opening it?
She cried for help and thank god she got it.
People don't say things like that because they are blackmailing someone. They say it because they are desperate.

Not always true. While I doubt the person in question would have called it blackmail, it is often a way to get attention. People that REALLY want to hurt themselves don't talk about it, they do it. People that want to be convinced that someone else cares talk about it, often looking for an outside validation of worth. "If you value me, you will stop me from hurting myself." The problem with that, of course, is if you don't value yourself it really does not matter who else does. She needs help learning to accept things for what they are, or to change the things that she had control over- without resorting to threats of hurting herself.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/17/2010 5:09:05 PM

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FR...

just a couple of thoughts...

in the past (a long time ago, though my situation is different, i am bipolar and need medication to be stable) i have talked about hurting myself before doing it...and yes i have done it - used to be a cutter, and i have attempted suicide 3 times...the last time i ended up in a coma - now when i have these thoughts i go to a professional for help...my loved ones can't love me out of my depression anymore than i can think my way into feeling better...now mine is a chemical imbalance...but i still talk about things before doing it - yes it's a cry for help, a cry for attention, but not a manipulation, it is attention i need...as in necessary to continue living, or living well...

and as far as the art thing goes...some art requires a studio...i am a sculptor and my preference is large metal...now i live in a house with a back yard and everything...but that doesn't make it an appropriate to cut and weld and bend and grind metal pieces into sculptures...i don't do 2D - my mind doesn't think that way - and though i have found some substitutes, not everyone is as...for lack of a better word...creative...

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to antinomy)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/18/2010 1:35:12 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antinomy

Not always true. While I doubt the person in question would have called it blackmail, it is often a way to get attention. People that REALLY want to hurt themselves don't talk about it, they do it. People that want to be convinced that someone else cares talk about it, often looking for an outside validation of worth. "If you value me, you will stop me from hurting myself." The problem with that, of course, is if you don't value yourself it really does not matter who else does. She needs help learning to accept things for what they are, or to change the things that she had control over- without resorting to threats of hurting herself.

Not true, psychological autopsies performed after people have suicided often show that the person did in fact give indications that they were considering suicide in the days and sometimes weeks before their death.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
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http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to antinomy)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/18/2010 7:08:22 AM

Kaiel

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I am just wondering has the OP chimed in to update the thread on his partners current condition? There has been a lot of good advise and opinions shared in this thread, I am just wondering what the OP did and how the situation was handled? OP are you out there?????

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(in reply to wandersalone)

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