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Dom/me Couples - 9/9/2004 11:33:41 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I was wondering to myself (I do that a lot); can you have a deep meaningful relationship between two Dom/mes or two subs? If so, how do you make it work? Again, people, I am not poly so if that works for you; great!! What I see for myself is that a meaningful relationship involves communication, intimacy, friendship, honesty, etc.. If a Dom couple does not play with each other, do they still have an intimate relationship? I know there was a thread about sex not necessary for play, but isn't sex necessary for a relationship? Do Dom couples have "vanilla" sex and play with others? Can two subs be together in a relationship and be Dommed for play only? And to clarify, I am not talking about switching at all. I can see how a switch could have the best of both worlds.

Thanks ahead for any input!!!
ann
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/9/2004 12:03:28 PM   
ProLezDommes


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline 		Hmm thats tough, if you cant switch at all. Im a switch my GF a complete Domme, but she is also a pain slut, so maybe the doms could like rough play or something, or have their own kinky sex that works for them and then have non sexual submissives.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/9/2004 12:09:40 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		My first relationship was with another submissive, we didn't really have a name for it until later in the relationship because we were so young, but there were definitely some sexual difficulties, that much we knew. We kind of switched (although it wasn't comfortable for either one of us). However, we had a wonderful relationship for over two and a half years and are still best friends to this day. So, yes it is possible and the relationships can be just as fulfilling as other types of relationships, at least, that's my experience.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/9/2004 1:14:46 PM   
yoursMaam


Posts: 48
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline 		Dear SweetPleaser,
my first BDSM relationship was in a Dom/Domme household. Mistress had male subs, and Master had female subs. There was no apparent confusion as to each participant's role in the household. Master and Mistress were both treated with utmost respect. There was no question that They were a couple with strong bonds and open communication with each other. There was discussion between them and among the alpha sub(s) regarding accepting a new sub into the household. On the level of service, we each served Them both, in terms of play, Both Dominants were straight, and neither was blatantly voyeuristic. i was quite impressed to see that They had worked out a solution that They Both enjoyed, to the difficulty of finding a relationship where They were Both Dominant. They also each were quite protective and caring towards all of the subs in the household.
can there be a relationship; without sex? is a cupcake still a cupcake without icing? in both cases, the answer is yes, it just isn't as sweet.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/9/2004 3:02:32 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Ann,

This might not make sense to everyone but I'll put it out on the table. This is simply my perspective.

This brings to mind a relationship I had with a Dominant partner. Our emotional/everyday relationship was pretty much even. He loved the strong side of me and appreciated the challenge that I presented to him. Basically, I kept him on his toes and he kept me on mine.

The kinky dynamic we shared was mainly a form of sado-masochism defined as algolagnia, which connotes a liking for pain, without any need for domination, submission or humiliation (though I would not say that the dynamic was void of the later paraphilia). My maso side is equivalent to my sado side and when I'm bottoming, I most definitely top from the bottom. In certain dynamics such as this one, I've been with a sadistic person who was secure enough with himself for this to work out wonderfully.

Did I ever submit? Yeah, probably a few times. Did he ever? Well, I would have to go ask him his opinion on this all but I know there were times where he resigned himself. Is that the same thing? Can one submit at certain given moments without being a submissive? I would answer yes.

I believe we have these archetype personalities such as Dominant and submissives, not to forget the switches of course. But after that, we have to remember all the grey areas there are.

Hopes this helps clarify certain things and fyi, I wonder to myself a lot too! I consider it an awesome quality :)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/10/2004 5:51:39 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your input. I pondered this because of 2 reasons, 1 being the positive experience posted by Topcat regarding his close friendship with MizSuz and the second because my BF and I are exploring this lifestyle and I am beginning to realize he is more sub than dominant. We love each other deeply but when we play, I have to top sometimes and I'm not quite sure how. So, we are learning together. In my case, I tend to believe that the love we share is more important than playing.

Thanks again!
ann

PS: I want to please my BF very much, and I am not into public playing, so if you have any ideas on where I can learn to top more creatively I would be most grateful.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/10/2004 6:08:13 AM   
MaitresseEden


Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline 		I have tried to have a relationship with a Male dom, one time. What a disaster. There was a constant power struggle going on. While I too like Angelika enjoyed the challenges I found there were a thin disquise for the power struggle., and in direct conflict with my true nature. So for what it is worth, I wouldn't do it again, no matter how much I enjoy the persons company.

Ms.Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/10/2004 8:00:23 AM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I am currently in a Dom.Domme relationship... And, for me its simple kink isnt about Dominantion and submission..how you interact on a daily basis is. Because I enjoy a specific sexual pleasure doesnt make me submissive.. the act in itself is without intent. So sexual play vanilla or kink for me within my D/D relationship doesnt really play into the power exchange dynamic.. I hope that makes sense.

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/10/2004 8:59:47 AM   
ShrewWhisperer


Posts: 63
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpleaser

Thank you all for your input. I pondered this because of 2 reasons, 1 being the positive experience posted by Topcat regarding his close friendship with MizSuz and the second because my BF and I are exploring this lifestyle and I am beginning to realize he is more sub than dominant. We love each other deeply but when we play, I have to top sometimes and I'm not quite sure how. So, we are learning together. In my case, I tend to believe that the love we share is more important than playing.
PS: I want to please my BF very much, and I am not into public playing, so if you have any ideas on where I can learn to top more creatively I would be most grateful.


With learning more, ask the questions of your boyfriend, you don't have to get a play by play manual on his Id so you can still keep the mystery & romance, then learn by doing...it's ultimately the only way any of us learn anything. beginning dom's...even those of us who started as subs and 'rose through the ranks' the first few times of another's will in yoru hands is pure bluff...I'm sure that is not an absolute, nothing in sex is absolute it's one of the things which make it fun...

Trust yourself, trust the love you have for this man, and trust love he has for you, you can't do it wrong, all you can do is "next time it will be better"..it's what makes practice so much fun..

and with the question yes a pair of same-minded people can be in love, and with a little understanding and a little work everybody ends up happy. 2 of the women I have been truely deeply madly in love with have been domme's who'd make Mistress D and Lady A look like schoolgirls; as MaistresesEden said it is a constant pull of wills, but the conversations were art forms, Albee coulda been there with a pencil, it was bitter, it was grand, it was potent and it was tragic and I'd trade a good sized portion of my left nut to return to those days when every moment was a lifetime, and passion could be found in the fights over how to cook the eggs. 2 subs have an easier time of it, if both are willing to take turns for the other...kinda like vanilla couples trading off massage-time.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/10/2004 9:07:12 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		I have seen slaves develop strong relationships with each other within a relationship. This can be difficult to establish as there is always a chance of jealousy or the slaves making comparisons between themselves. (ie: she's prettier than I am..you don't beat me as hard as you beat her...why does she get to shine your boots?, etc...) There are a lot of things than can complicate the relationship between two slaves, so honesty and clear lines of communication are extremely important.

Two dominants....whew...

I know there are quite a few relationships out there where two dominants may own a slave. From what I have seen, this is usually a married couple.. I have yet to see two male dominants try and share the same slave. (I am sure it happens...but I havent seen it yet.)

The biggest problem I see in this is that two dominants may have very different ideas of how a slave should be trained, not to mention that many dominants are very selfish about what is theirs, (God knows I am...) and don't really like sharing their property with anyone.

I think that if this dynamic were to be successful, there would have to be an Alpha dominant who has primary authority over the household. The other dominant is not less dominant, but there is a definate heirarchy and the Alpha gets to make the final decision about how training will be conducted. I believe that the two dominants would need to communicate very well with each other in order to remove the possibility of giving a slave conflicting orders/instructions. (Sure...this would be a great mindfuck...but not fun on a day-to-day basis)

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to Sylverdawn)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/11/2004 9:21:17 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have tried to have a relationship with a Male dom, one time. What a disaster. There was a constant power struggle going on.


I suspect this was the issue in my relationships.

Largely because I will do X regardless, and I refuse to engage in a power struggle.

Some people that I have been in relationships with seem to have issues with that, although I myself dont really understand.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to MrThorns)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/12/2004 10:28:15 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

I have tried to have a relationship with a Male dom, one time. What a disaster. There was a constant power struggle going on.


I suspect this was the issue in my relationships.

Largely because I will do X regardless, and I refuse to engage in a power struggle.


I had a conversation on Friday night with a sadistic Dom friend of mine who seems to think I’m the perfect woman for him on many levels. He knows I’ll bottom though I’m not sub or slave and that would fulfill a great deal of needs. Of course, in this dynamic, a great deal of my needs would be met (intellectual conversation, challenge, sexual needs, certain masochistic needs). However, my Domme & sadistic needs would be left unfulfilled and his Dom needs would be left unfulfilled and his suggestion to this was being poly or having a sub/slave together. Both things I would consider if I were in this situation.

However, his main concern was how to deal with the potential power struggle. And what I responded to him was it depended on whether or not he truly understood his Dominant side.

Dominance (imho) is about having a strong opinion and firm knowledge about what it is that you want, but not necessarily always getting your way. Always insisting on getting what you want is stubbornness, perhaps a trait many dominant people have, but it’s not necessarily integral to the dominant personality in my opinion. And I believe we can rise above that.

One must master all aspects of one’s self before being able to teach and govern someone else. Of course, there is no Dominant certification program so you have a lot of unenlightened lost souls going around swinging a whip but that is a whole other story.

Essentially, I told him that if I were in a relationship with him, I wouldn’t want him to be less Dominant. It would probably however be in both of our best interest if he were less stubborn because otherwise, he would find himself very frustrated.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Sinergy)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/12/2004 7:56:20 PM   
realophelia


Posts: 168
Status: offline
quote:

I was wondering to myself (I do that a lot); can you have a deep meaningful relationship between two Dom/mes or two subs?


My Master is half of a Dom/me couple. They get along well and seem to have a very strong relationship. I'm sure that different Dom or sub couples have different rules regarding what they will and won't do with a third party. But I would assume that those who have a healthy relationship are intimate.

In our case, my Master and his wife each have their own sub but I'm sure there are a lot of couples who co-Dom instead. The relationship I have is nice for me because I like them both and I enjoy spending time with them outside of play.

Take care :)
Ophelia

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/12/2004 8:24:09 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Dominance (imho) is about having a strong opinion and firm knowledge about what it is that you want, but not necessarily always getting your way. Always insisting on getting what you want is stubbornness, perhaps a trait many dominant people have, but it’s not necessarily integral to the dominant personality in my opinion. And I believe we can rise above that.


I didnt want to give the impression that I insist on getting my own way, which is far from the case.

I do, however, know what I want ;)

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to realophelia)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/12/2004 8:50:49 PM   
basiasubrosa


Posts: 130
Joined: 6/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:


I do, however, know what I want ;)



Which is, to summarize, an absolutely extraordinary enchantress; intelligent, erudite, wise and humourous; both serene and spunky; generous in giving and receiving; with the ability to be fierce but the choice to be gentle; a good dancer and a good house-painter; has long soft hair and looks equally stunning in cheerleader outfits and loose overalls...... Right?

Welcome back, Sinergy. Missed (teasing) you.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/12/2004 11:00:06 PM   
QnofH3arts


Posts: 35
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		I am the female half of a dominant couple that has been together for over 10 years now. How do we make it work? You stated yourself: communication, honesty, intimacy, friendship.... and I will add respect, compromise, common interests and goals and more communication.

Our relationship has been clearly defined from the beginning. We each have strengths and weaknesses - we're human. His strengths balance my weaknesses and vice versa. We don't struggle over who does what, when or how. We trust each other to handle our pre-defined responsibilities as we each see fit.

We do not need to "play" to be intimate with each other, however, our intimacy does occasionally involve some very enjoyable "power struggle". He is the mostly vanilla dominant. I am the kinky dominant. My kink does not require sex to be satisfied. In fact, I don't require kink to live a contented life, but one of the defined aspects of our relationship includes my ability to enjoy kink

None of this is to say that we do not occasionally disagree or even argue - again, we're human. However, we do always eventually work things out with a bit of compromise and common sense.

I may be wrong, but I believe that any relationship can succeed when the right ingredients are combined in the correct amounts.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/13/2004 4:53:07 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
I didnt want to give the impression that I insist on getting my own way, which is far from the case.

I do, however, know what I want ;)


I can totally relate to that. However, could you take a minute and explain to me why it would be a power struggle then?

I mean hypothetically, you in a relationship with Domme X. You know what you want, she knows what she wants. You are both comfortable with your dominance and have your issues resolved or under control. Where is the power struggle? I'm not saying there can't be. I mean I've recently experienced power struggle in D/s relationship with a sub that really wasn't ready to relinquish power. So yeah it can happen.

What I'm trying to figure out (and this might not be what you were trying to get at) is why must there inherently be a power struggle between to Dominants? Why can't their be overall power co-existence with occasional tensions (which IMX can be quite stimulating)?

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Sinergy)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/17/2004 5:29:41 PM   
MasterSnowBeard


Posts: 28
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Near Seattle WA
Status: offline

Well I am Dom and don't switch.
But I have played as equals with Domme's before.
And We both approached it as equals,
neither one trying to get the other to submit.
And treating each other with respect
for who each was as a Dom or Domme.
In some cares we have tied up a submissive together.
I have no desire to try to get a Domme to change and submit to Me
unless that was her choice to do so.
As I would hope that She would have the equal respect
for Me as a Dom as well to know I don't switch and will not submit.
I once asked a Domme friend what happens
with a Dom & Domme combination
She replied... Really hot sex lol...
I recietly met a beautiful Domme lady ...
who we share a animal attraction to each other
but know each are what they are ...
and what our roles are as both being Dominant
but will not stop us from going out and having some fun together
and doing some Tag Team Dom/Domme scenes ..
where I tie up the subs
And we both torture and play with em. Grins.
If you can show equal respect for each others...
sometimes the possiblities are endless.
But this might not work for A/all.
But as for what I seek in a relationship ... is a true submissive.


< Message edited by MasterSnowBeard -- 9/17/2004 5:34:05 PM >

_____________________________

This lifestlye is base on respect... respect for A/all ..
Without respect there is nothing...

One should never question the power
of a Magickal Long Silver Haired Wizard

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/17/2004 7:23:55 PM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSnowBeard


But as for what I seek in a relationship ... is a true submissive.




I guess what I was looking for was how someone has a "relationship" being either Dom/me or sub/sub because that is what I look for. I have never been good at casual sex. What you admitted was that you are looking for a true submissive so that is the key to my question. In a relationship, in this lifestyle, someone has to dominate and someone has to submit. It works for some, based on the great responses posted, because they either switch, are in a poly dynamic, or if they have predefined roles and responsibilities. Everyone on this site is so helpful!

Sincerely,
ann

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to MasterSnowBeard)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dom/me Couples - 9/17/2004 8:24:29 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

In a relationship, in this lifestyle, someone has to dominate and someone has to submit.


In the D/s lifestyle, yes, I agree with you.

However if you are defining the lifestyle as BDSM, I would disagree with you. There doesn't need to be D/s in S&M for it to work, though of course, it also can be there.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 20
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