RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (Full Version)

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Rule -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 4:06:56 AM)

Some people are naturally dominant. I am not. I am apathetic, passive.

I have met a few naturally dominant people and when they say "Hop!", I hop. It frustrates me, especially because I know better.

I label myself as dominant because it seemed the more appropriate choice. Because some females, I suspect natural slaves, evoke the urge in me to correct them, to control them. In fact, natural dominants evoke the same urge in me. I have never acted on those urges.



LadyAngelika -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 6:27:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

My journey to becoming a switch was a hell of a long one and it amuses the hell out of me when people are expected to prove that they are 'real' and not just kinky misfits.

Sometimes I wonder if the player/kinkster is actually more real than any of us because they are the ones that are more accepting, more open minded.

The people who don't need to compete to be the 'purest of submissives' or 'the most natural of dominants' actually don't need to explain themselves unless they mislead.

I am dominant and sometimes submit to the moment. I have had accusations thrown at me that Im a 'player, not the real ma coy, confused, baffled' and all the rest of it.
I was a domineering little girl that got my way but then I bet half the submissives in here had similar child personality traits or do the Dom/Dommes think that adult submissives spent their childhood being bullied, being passive and always tried desperately to please?!?!
Sexual dominance comes from a mind of sexual fantasy and not from an obnoxious nature. There are many bossy, pushy and controlling people on this earth that wouldn't have an interest in sexual dominance and so in my opinion has absolutely nothing to do with it.
We can analyze people till the cows come home. We can compete with other dominants and submissive in a desperation to get the message accross 'IM real but many are not!!!'

So some people aren't real enough, purist enough or convincing enough and we can continually talk about them because it makes us feel better. Its actually very laughable.


Quoted for brilliance and truth.

- LA



Mercnbeth -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 6:59:33 AM)

quote:

...Beth, if you didn't think of limits as things the sub controls, but as health hazards, would that seem to be less toppish to you?...


not for this slave. what works for you and others is great, more power to you![:)] this slave's opinion is not expressed with the intent of insinuating a One-True-Way, The Ultimate Definition of Anything or Definitive Test of Weal-n-Twue-ness.

however, a "dominant" who would need this slave to limit them or somehow control their actions, (because otherwise they would just go ahead and cause this slave some sort of irreperable damage/trips to the hospital), is someone this slave would rather choose not to bottom OR submit to, on any level, especially one where this slave is bound and at their sadistic mercy...entering into an intimate relationship with such an individual would be even more repulsive.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 7:09:10 AM)

allthatjaz, I sincerely enjoyed your post.

I have mixed thoughts and feeling regardings to "How do I become a Dominant". My first thoughts tend to equates it to "How do I become a Stereotype", I guess the answer this question for anybody. Easy, "Simply be yourself"

Simply be yourself and apply the labels that best fit you.

I still remember the night, I was being asked 50 million questions by two lifestyle submissives when they discovered I was into kinky BDSM things. I had not realized nor known about the lifestyle and that I was required to have a label. There was some debate for awhile between the two of them regarding if I were a "Dom" or a "Switch", they probed me with yet more questions. The verdict was reached "Dominant" according this this long winded interview process. My and my big mouth making kinky jokes and admitting to "Yeah, I'm really into that for real". There are a few areas, that I am a little switchy Iffy in. So perhaps I don't fully live up to the standard "Guidelines for Dominants book"

What blows my mind, are the differences between relationship to relationship. There's nothing set in stone. D/s or the crazy things we all do, Varies according to relationships. As Lady Pact expressed the technical stuff is easy. In fact, it's a steady constant. The relationship aspects will toss you a curve ball, or provide new and different experiences every time. (that's life and realism).

I've been with extremely submissive women where I was the leader, and with women who were more like my evil twin partner in crime. None of it very plain nor vanilla.

I do think for those new to the lifestyle, there is an element of fear. That they might fuck up (I'm not talking about hurting somebody either) that they want to make certain they don't do anything that's a contradiction of their orientation label.

Just because one is a (insert label) does not mean they are the (insert label) for everybody.

Some submissive women hate Daddy Doms and others love 'em. Some submissives want to clean house and be your maid, some just want to be chained up and used like a worthless whore.

"I'm a Dominant, Okay what do I do now ?" continue to educated yourself and find a sub/slave/switch/Dom that's right for you. That's what's next. Get out and start to explore things. Don't toss away all your vanilla life learning experiences. In fact, try to apply them as much as you can. Why? because that's really who you are.

I need to seriously, stop writing and post this. I've wrote another long winded post.


















janigrey -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 7:55:09 AM)

I certainly never said that reading books will make you a dominant. However, It will really save everyone time - if you can ask educated questions about the how and why of things... more importantly the how - so you don't fuck up and end up on a thread - "How I accidently ripped the balls off of someone or shot them - or choked them to death" and on the BDSM and the law forum.

Draw comparisons - We learn to cook from either standing next to someone - who is showing us how - or we read books and do trial and error.

If you're going to potentially put someone's life in jeopardy - It might make them feel a little bit better - than - I saw this on a bad porno once.


*jani - in defense of books*



slavekal -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 8:33:55 AM)

For me it is not a choice but a hard wired orientation. I have always been turned on by dominant, overpowering women. I am bored to tears by "vanilla". Being submissive to dominant women was not something I chose. It chose me.



allthatjaz -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 8:57:28 AM)

Before I ever went down the physical and mental act of dominating I didn't know what the hell I was doing. When I grabbed my vanilla husband by the balls and said 'you know what I want to do with these?' he thought I was a crazy woman. When I first went out and found a consensual partner I could dominate I wasn't sure what to do, how far to push etc. I was that very dominant that stood there saying 'Im a dominant what do I do now?'
I read books, I went to workshops, I watched how others interacted and scened before going to work for a pro Mistress and being thrown in very much at the deep end.
I was once a newbie. I could say that I was naturally dominant but I was clueless. That didn't make me unreal, it just made me a beginner.





CallaFirestormBW -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/13/2010 2:23:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

I agree with you Calla, but if you ask my ex-husband, family members,
friends and most that have met me, I can tell you without a doubt,
they would tell you I am a Dominant woman.

I was born this way, and it is just how I am.



I'm not disagreeing with you, Mia. What I was saying was that asking questions and being a little confused when heading into new territory shouldn't automatically imply that someone -isn't- dominant.

I have to say, too, that I think that there may be a difference between being a dominant individual and dominating in a BDSM or D/s relationship, depending on the individual(s) in question. I think that there are people who are dominant by nature, but for whom the idea of controlling another person as a life-choice is completely inimical to their nature. I think there are other people who are not necessarily dominant, but who, in a particular relationship, rise to the leadership role in their dynamic. For people in both those categories, "what do I do now" may be a really viable question in terms of figuring out how to fit who they -are- and what they -think/feel/believe- into the situation in which they now exist.

I've used myself as an example in prior posts on this and similar subjects, because I've spent a lot of time examining how and why I do the things I do. This has led me along a circuitous route, and has required me to explore a number of options that I might not ever have explored if I weren't one of those people who jumps into the fire with no idea about whether I can reach the extinguisher in the middle of the burning maze. I've firmly established, after much exploration, that I am definitely dominant... but that my inclination as an introvert supersedes my capacity to be a good dominant individual in a concentrated, solo BDSM or D/s relationship -- I just can't "lock in" enough to meet the high needs of most submissive individuals within that realm. However, I find that I am -very- good at being a mentor, priest(ess), and instructor, and in running a reenactment-style household where I don't have to be "on" all the time.

I think that there is nothing wrong with trying things out. I am probably heavily biased by my own experiences. I think most of us are. With that in mind, I think that one of the best ways to learn is to jump in and do it -- and reach for lifelines wherever we can find them when we think we're going down for the 2nd time... before that 3rd time under takes us down.



leadership527 -> RE: "I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?" (2/19/2010 10:29:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
I'm not disagreeing with you, Mia. What I was saying was that asking questions and being a little confused when heading into new territory shouldn't automatically imply that someone -isn't- dominant.
Why not? Can't we just add that to the list of 3 billion other rules that must be followed in to be considered dominant? I'm just trying to figure out if it goes above "not giving backrubs and footrubs" or below.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
I have to say, too, that I think that there may be a difference between being a dominant individual and dominating in a BDSM or D/s relationship, depending on the individual(s) in question. I think that there are people who are dominant by nature, but for whom the idea of controlling another person as a life-choice is completely inimical to their nature. I think there are other people who are not necessarily dominant, but who, in a particular relationship, rise to the leadership role in their dynamic. For people in both those categories, "what do I do now" may be a really viable question in terms of figuring out how to fit who they -are- and what they -think/feel/believe- into the situation in which they now exist.

I know people in all these categories and I think you've laid it out nicely. I've been in several of these categories myself. I had a lot of questions when I first realized things were changing in my marriage. I sought out answers anywhere I could find them. Isn't that what smart people do? I mean seriously, when I take on a new leadership position in some other context.. say work.. the first thing I try to do is educate myself.. understand the lay of the land. Why not in my personal intimate relationship also?

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
I think that there is nothing wrong with trying things out. I am probably heavily biased by my own experiences. I think most of us are. With that in mind, I think that one of the best ways to learn is to jump in and do it -- and reach for lifelines wherever we can find them when we think we're going down for the 2nd time... before that 3rd time under takes us down.
Well, I'll agree to this within limits. When I started this I was fooling around with a 10+ year happy marriage. I had a lot of incentive to want to get it reasonably right the first time. So I started slowly and carefully, opting to build out the changes one careful step at a time. I agree with the assertion that there's no substitute for doing... but jumping right in is only wise sometimes.



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