allthatjaz
Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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Finding a dominant man was never a priority.
Dominance was an itch that had to be scratched, submission was something I felt an occasional pang of when reading a certain kind of book or watching some historical romance with a debonair man with a strong will and a determination to get what he wanted. It was a passing desire, nothing more.
Oh I met and mingled with many dominant men. I have had so many opportunities.
I have spent years embedded within the scene as a dominant woman. submissives wanted to yield to me and dominant men saw me as a challenge, a bit like a guy wanting to convert a lesbian!
Perhaps I am overly fussy! I choose who I dominate carefully and as far as me being dominated, well I never really believed there was anyone willful enough to take me there.
I have spent years meeting and socializing with like minded people. I have witnessed the most depraved of things, seen both beauty and ugliness, happiness to absolute wretchedness and I suppose I have become somewhat hardened to anything that perhaps others would find shocking. I find that kind of sad. Its like an innocence lost. Innocence feels like a lifetime ago. The lifestyle has made me somewhat tough and un-shockable.
I remember with amusement the first scene that I ever witnessed. It was pretty mild in comparison to the years ahead. It was a girl being displayed to a crowd and humiliated. She stood there naked and blushing whilst an old man who was sitting close by ate his chicken soup. I remember how oblivious he looked to the scene going on around him. A beautiful naked girl in front of him whilst he slurped and spilt soup in his un-manicured beard. I have never tasted chicken soup without fondly recalling that scene. Those were such innocent days!
I have quietly observed the dominant man, the competition! I have watched with intrigue at the interactions between male dominance and female submission. Some were good and some were awful. There is something rather disturbing about a man clad in domly attire with his bear belly sticking out over his leather clad belly. He thinks he looks like something out of the matrix when in fact he looks rather ridiculous.
Even the good ones were not convincing enough to raise a spark in me. They say that it takes one to know one but perhaps what I see is a bunch of peacocks all trying to out do and impress one another.
Competition on the scene gets ridiculous. Put downs are rife and ‘Master of the universe’ syndrome is all too common. Its the same as anything else in life I suppose so why should it be any different here?
My dominance has always flowed. Its never been something I have put a great deal of effort into. I have on occasion planned a scene with the precision of a fighter pilot but in the cold light of day I have never woken up next to my submissive thinking ‘what do I do next’.
I have had some wonderful relationships with subs. Relationships that flowed like an easy journey. All but one have run there course and ended with a happy conclusion that they can go no further. One that captured my heart and made me hold on.
Maisy-Jane is like a herb garden that smells of lavender in the morning and lemon grass in the early evening. She is never an awkward moment but an intriguing oil painting that shows me something new and inspiring each time I look at her. One day she will be gone because I can never give her that that total commitment that I know she craves but for now she is my little gift from heaven, for now I will celebrate that presence and devotion in my life.
I spent many years content in my role. My dominance was like a tailored coat that fit me perfectly. It drove me sexually too and I could never understand why so many Dommes had a preference for male submissives that they did not want to have sex with. Everyones different, not all of us need sex but my dominance was my erogenous zone and I really had no reason to go around dominating someone I was not sexually attracted to. Dominance can go on for days, weeks or even months but its all foreplay to me. It all builds up to an eventual peak.
I was never promiscuous. Not that I think there is anything wrong with promiscuity but that is why I never had much interest in the men that wanted to worship my feet or do my housework sissied up. Neither did I have an interest in the dominant man that approached me behind his submissives back and ask that I secretly dominate him. There were too many of them to count, too many of them celebrating their freedom on the scene whilst hiding their real desire deep inside. Fear of rejection make many submissive men into dominants and perhaps its the same for some female dominants. In my time in this lifestyle I have seen far too many ‘unliberated people’ I call them ‘little prisoners of their own choosing’.
The longer your in the scene the more tolerant you become. You may not like or understand something but your attitude changes from shock and distain to a quiet acceptance. I for example never understood the adult baby or switches. Trying to learn about this sort of thing is like hitting ones head on a brick wall because of all the prejudices.
Some years ago I attended a summer festival. They had designated an area at the far end of the croquet lawn for the adult babies. Men and women were dressed in romper suits, bonnets and bootees. Some had overly large pacifiers in their mouths, some crawled on hands and knees and got grass stains on their immaculately clean baby clothes. Nannies sat in attendance scolding and coddling these baby adults.
I was standing with maisy jane when a man in full baby attire approached us, took out his pacifier and replaced it with a cigarette. He then started chatting in his best northern slang about my strap-on and would I like to take him up the ass later and I remember laughing at such a surreal moment!
I never made it a secret that I wanted to feel submission. I always knew that it wouldn’t be easy and that it very probably would never happen. My submissive side is hugely complex. Just as maisy jane never calls me Maam or Mistress, I could never call a man Master. Maisy submits to Maria. Maisy submits because I push all the right buttons. She doesn’t submit to me because she is a submissive, she submits to me because thats how our interactions work. There is no role-play.
She never just gave it to me on a plate. I had to earn it.
Slavery always feels so pretentious to me like some elaborate role-play. For many it works and for them I am happy but again its not something I have ever really got my head round, just as I have never got my head round why so many men will just submit to anyone. Its all too easy. To me slavery was a negative part of our history. People were captured physically and made to work for nothing. They had no escape. I have nothing in my past that pushes me down those sort of routes. I don’t believe I was born to be dominant or submissive. It was just a twist in the road that sparked an interest. I wouldn’t perish without dominance or submission in my life, I would just be less fulfilled.
Many talk about the purity of slavery and Masterhood but to me its all too elaborate and takes away the reality of what this is about. Perhaps its because I need to converse with my partner on equal terms. I have nothing to hide when I am amongst my family and friends, no secret signals. I am just me and he is just him.
The thought of switching was equally ridiculous. I had seen couples in clubs taking it in turns in flogging each others asses. I never understood it nor had any intention of going there. I would pass them and think ‘why are they doing that?’ what are they getting out of it?’
But one should never say never!
So here I am some years later and a fully fledged switch!
How did I reach this moment? what ever possessed me to end up in the very place that previously did nothing for me. Don’t switches sub on Mon, Tue, Wed and Dom/me on Thurs, Fri and Saturdays? Isn’t it switches that are confused about what they want and settle for a middle ground because they are still undecided?! I am sure thats the case for some but for me it was all to do with being a realist. I can genuinely love, cherish and become excited by the man that can kneel before me and show me his strength as a submissive. That submission that I can embrace, taunt, love, be turned on by and be proud of. And yet this very man can take me ruthlessly and put me into a delightfully submissive place with such skill and precision that only he can waken an almost forgotten part of me.
How did he get to dominate me in the first place?!?! Surely I should of gone for a purist? someone who had nothing but dominant thoughts? surely it would of been better to of kept my dominance and submission separate? Isn’t that what most switches do?
Like I said earlier, it takes one to know one. I saw the dominance in Stephen. I saw the hunger in his eyes, I saw every iota of his personality geared towards being able to take me into that submissive environment and literally rock my world. No doubts, no hesitations, no feeling that this was put on in any way. To taste such a pure dominance is a mind blowing experience and to taste his submission is the most rewarding flavor I have yet had the pleasure of tasting. But his submission is like mine. Its a little fickle, very momentary and not easy to take but that is why taking it is all the more powerful. I like that feeling of unconsensual. It drives me.
So it is two dominant minds that have the capability and the courage to go there with each other and unselfishly fulfill another need. Its not how people perceive it to be. Its not how I would of once perceived it to be. If someone had tried to explain it I couldn’t possibly of understood.
Its an unexplainable energy like quantum physics. Its an incredible bonding that up until now I never knew existed. Its an openness that creates freedom of ones mind and allows a forward moving and fantastic journey.
I have somewhat lost my reputation on the scene for being a formidable Domme! the male subs are disappointed, the male doms are shaking their heads and saying imagine what I could of done with her! if a lowly switch can get her to submit it must of been easy.
Stephen had the courage and the ability to go their with me. He won my submission because he had the natural skill to do so and because his dominant mind is consistantly good.
We may be called players and yet all of this is deeper than anything I have ever known. This is about as far away from play as one could get.
The years I spent as a pro Mistress. Dressed in a latex vamp outfit I would sit on Franks face looking at the seconds ticking by on the clock. My mind would wander onto what I would cook for dinner. 40 seconds and I would lift my crouch and listen to the gasping Frank beneath me. Tsk, tsk I would berate him ‘your really not very good at this are you frank? lets try 50 seconds’.
I had certain clients that turned me on but I never went there. They were paying for my role-play services. They desperately wanted me to be turned on, to fall for them and whisk them away into the dark world of slavery but it was never going to happen because my world was about controlling a reality and not a fantasy. I had no dark world of slavery, I was but an entertainer, filling a need, their need and I always knew they could never meet mine.
Running a club in the heart of London brought with it respect and adoration. Again I would adorn myself in beautiful Mistress clothing and spend the night entertaining those that looked up to me. Only the ones close to me felt my dominance coming through in its purest form. Only the very well selected understood how my mind worked. Oh I went through confusing times. Times when a slave was a good idea but it all felt so make believe and unreal.
Tiana was the girl who changed all of that. She was like a little sparrow with a big personality! She was well proportioned with a tiny waist, good hips and breasts that had most men going gaga!
She never offered me her submission. She never flaunted her submission or followed the conventions I had become accustomed to. I was intrigued, fascinated by her energy and I had a deep craving to take her. I discovered her mind was like a tardis. Full of adventure and strength and yet her submission was mind blowing. Up until then I had never known such people existed. I wrongly believed that it had to be ‘Me Domme you sub’ and that I had to follow the rule book. She taught me that there are no rules but a mutual intuition between two people.
I have walked an incredible journey. It feels like I have just read a book that was full of peaks and troughs and plenty of confusion but had a happy ending.
I feel a great inner peace and a passion for life that I have never felt up until now.
Steve and me are still called players from time to time. We have a secret smile that we save for such occasions
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S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos
Fan of edgeplay.co.uk
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Never Say Never! - 
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