Withdrawls from not being Dom

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Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 3:43:30 PM

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So I'm wondering how long between playtime or scenes do people go?
It's been almost 2 weeks since I have had playtime, we have had sex in that time, but I find it's not the same.
She works late hours, and during the week it's really hard to get into any playtime. I do little things to keep her submissive, Like she got dressed for work, and I made her take her clothes of and model for me. But it's really not the same as chaining her up and slaping her ass.
I found myself thinking about chaining her up and slaping her today, a little obsesivly and getting a little crabby.
Is it normal to "need" palytime ? Or is this because I'm new and like a kid with a new toy? Or is it because as she says, I'm just a sick freak?

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 4:11:44 PM

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sorta like owning a cow and not having any milk... I feel for you Dude. Let's see...

What I do is schedule a sex night... for Me that means lots of milk... smile... Ours is at least once a week and usually twice.

You gotta do it Dude. Or else sex will be swept by the wayside by all the mundane things of life. Plan it ahead, everything including dinner, cocktails or what have you. spontenaity is cool, but leave that to the teenagers. Take charge.

Other than that. Think of little things to do at other times... Like maybe when giving her a kiss goodbye reach under her skirt and give her clitty a nice hurty twist... that'll make you smile.

_____________________________

Daddy Dom & Romantic Sadist

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating thier brains.
Give Me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it.

(in reply to ricken)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 5:56:07 PM

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yeppers he is right...schedule it..believe me..my sub has been sick ofr almost 3 years..and it has driven me nuts at times..get it when you want it..

(in reply to Lorenzo19)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 7:26:59 PM

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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken

So I'm wondering how long between playtime or scenes do people go?
It's been almost 2 weeks since I have had playtime, we have had sex in that time, but I find it's not the same.
She works late hours, and during the week it's really hard to get into any playtime. I do little things to keep her submissive, Like she got dressed for work, and I made her take her clothes of and model for me. But it's really not the same as chaining her up and slaping her ass.
I found myself thinking about chaining her up and slaping her today, a little obsesivly and getting a little crabby.
Is it normal to "need" palytime ? Or is this because I'm new and like a kid with a new toy? Or is it because as she says, I'm just a sick freak?

Well, you can listen to the two above me, or you can use some common sense. You said she works late hours, you obviously live together, so yea, you are like a kid with a new toy and getting upset because life is getting in the way. It happens.

The two above me are right about scheduling a night though. Sometimes our lives with work and household stuff can fill up our time and we need to make the time to spend together. You can start by TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT! Being all domly dom is all fine and dandy. But you admit this is all new and if you start obsessing, trust me, the chances of it backfiring are pretty good. Just because you are the big bad dominant now doesn't mean you can't have a conversation and let her know that you want more playtime, and work together to figure out how it can be worked into your evenings. Does she work on weekends as well? If not, let her know that come Saturday, it is going to be playtime.

I do have to wonder though, is she calling you a "sick freak" in jest or is she giving you the playtime just to shut you up? Because if she is going along with you chaining her up and spanking her ass just to keep you happy, you ain't in charge of shit and are only kidding yourself if you think you are.

(in reply to ricken)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 9:33:22 PM

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The rest of your post made sense and offered pointed advice, however...

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Because if she is going along with [insert any action] just to keep you happy, you ain't in charge of shit and are only kidding yourself if you think you are.

The above is how many D/s and M/s relationships, on a case by case basis, happen to function.

I'm also not sure how "not being in charge" is supposed to be a criticism of someone when it is clear he is in a part-time, play relationship.

_____________________________

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(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 9:41:57 PM

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Lorenzo,

weren't you the one who said we were too mean to Bob? and we would scare off a newby from coming to forums?

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 10:06:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

The rest of your post made sense and offered pointed advice, however...

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Because if she is going along with [insert any action] just to keep you happy, you ain't in charge of shit and are only kidding yourself if you think you are.

The above is how many D/s and M/s relationships, on a case by case basis, happen to function.

I'm also not sure how "not being in charge" is supposed to be a criticism of someone when it is clear he is in a part-time, play relationship.

Exactly because it is clear it is a part time relationship and if he starts taking the advice of those who pull the "you take what you want when you want" he won't be getting a damn thing. Being part time means he is only "in charge" when playing, so if he approaches her with that "I'm in charge here" attitude, it is not going to work.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 10:12:56 PM

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From: London, Ontario
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quote:

Being part time means he is only "in charge" when playing, so if he approaches her with that "I'm in charge here" attitude, it is not going to work.

whoaaa I gotta disagree. There are a lot of p/t couples in which the Dom is 'in charge' of another. Play or otherwise (micromanagement etc).

Did you forget what you said here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3099656/mpage_1/tm.htm about judging one situation over another?

< Message edited by came4U -- 3/5/2010 10:47:31 PM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 10:57:32 PM

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken

So I'm wondering how long between playtime or scenes do people go?
It's been almost 2 weeks since I have had playtime, we have had sex in that time, but I find it's not the same.
She works late hours, and during the week it's really hard to get into any playtime. I do little things to keep her submissive, Like she got dressed for work, and I made her take her clothes of and model for me. But it's really not the same as chaining her up and slaping her ass.
I found myself thinking about chaining her up and slaping her today, a little obsesivly and getting a little crabby.
Is it normal to "need" palytime ? Or is this because I'm new and like a kid with a new toy? Or is it because as she says, I'm just a sick freak?

It's quite normal to "need" playtime. I haven't really had a scene in over a year, and it's been over 2 years since I was a Dom (I topped for my last partner, but didn't feel I was ready to Dom again, especially with someone as inexperienced as her).

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

LOL. More likely he recently found out he wasn't in charge of shit either and is pissed that his own delusion was busted.

If this is true (and it very likely is), perhaps some sympathy can be garnered? People take some time to readjust their worldview, and positive reinforcement can help keep them from developing bad social habits as a result.

(in reply to ricken)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:17:26 PM

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To all those who felt the need to attack and criticize Me.

For one thing I'm the newbie here. The F Switch came into ASK A MASTER and said the following:

quote:

Well, you can listen to the two above me, or you can use some common sense.

(dont know why I had to quote that.)

Said I dont have common sense. duh. Not to mention the condescending tone throughout the whole post.

she wants to insult Me then she gets what she deserves. I unload with all barrels. Thems that plays pays.

But why am I explaining to you your own rules???

That's all I got to say.

_____________________________

Daddy Dom & Romantic Sadist

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating thier brains.
Give Me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it.

(in reply to thepillowdreamer)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:19:53 PM

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

To all those who felt the need to attack and criticize Me.

For one thing I'm the newbie here. The F Switch came into ASK A MASTER and said the following:

quote:

Well, you can listen to the two above me, or you can use some common sense.

(dont know why I had to quote that.)

Said I dont have common sense. duh. Not to mention the condescending tone throughout the whole post.

she wants to insult Me then she gets what she deserves. I unload with all barrels. Thems that plays pays.

But why am I explaining to you your own rules???

That's all I got to say.

... You may wish to evaluate how well your ego-defense strategy is serving your public image, sir.

(in reply to Lorenzo19)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:23:37 PM

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From: London, Ontario
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I actually didn't notice it was in ASK a MASTER till now LOL dohhh. I did that the othern night and went to a Gorean thread, lol, because it popped up at the top, and I didn't check the thread title.

but, hey people weave back n forth in here all the time.

all I can say about the OP topic is...I can imagine the same thing happens to subs--withdrawls from being with someone dominant. Maybe that is why sometimes, some of us might 1. make a bad/quick decision or 2. run off to be vanilla in hopes that they will haul off and turn dom by some miracle. (or any other of various silly things, good or bad).

It isn't good either way. But, I do understand, the withdrawl syndrome factor in this regard.

< Message edited by came4U -- 3/5/2010 11:24:47 PM >

(in reply to Lorenzo19)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:26:36 PM

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From: Tempe, AZ
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Since we're now on Page 2, perhaps we can return to the previous discussion, which actually interests me a great deal.

I stopped "playing" after a rather harsh break-up 2 years ago, and have not been in a relationship since, excepting one abortive attempt 1.33 years ago which I quickly backed out of, to avoid damaging the sub (I was not ready to fulfill her emotional needs, which is something I still feel a little bad about).

The thing is, I've been noticing a sort of death-spiral - I've got a lot of unresolved emotional issues regarding confidence, which are exacerbated by a lack of play, and said exacerbation makes it less and less likely for me to get play with anyone who is not themselves emotionally damaged.

I'm not certain what to do about this.

(in reply to came4U)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:29:49 PM

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From: London, Ontario
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It is tempting for me to open some sort of Dom-rehab and get my kicks and help those with the withdrawls in need.

lol.

*considers calling Charlie Sheen on decorating and lodging advice.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:31:00 PM

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

quote:

... You may wish to evaluate how well your ego-defense strategy is serving your public image, sir.

You're so cute about your criticism. I cant help but like you. stay sweet.

It was legitimately offered. I apologize if the tone in this forum is unduly hostile, but I can't be properly held accountable for the actions of others. I was legitimately attempting to offer an opinion that I thought might help you.

Look, hanging out here too long raises all our hackles. And as long as our hackles are raised, we keep turning the environment into something that continues to raise hackles.

At some point, someone has to back down. Why not you?

(in reply to Lorenzo19)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:34:30 PM

VideoAdminAlpha

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Since the topic seems to interest some, might I make the suggestion to return to it? Thank you.

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You can't please all the people all of the time.Unfortunately there are times you cannot please any of them :( You can only do your best, and hope they realize that.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/5/2010 11:35:19 PM

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Yessir.

So, anchoring my contributions more acutely to my specific questions on the topic:

What do you do when your withdrawls from lack of play start interfering with your ability to get play, and start interfering with your ability to project as someone who would be worth playing with?

I don't want to start engaging in the sort of predatory behavior that I've seen others resort to, and yet it's damned hard to really get myself in a mindset where I feel like I deserve to call myself a dominant, anymore.

< Message edited by Ialdabaoth -- 3/5/2010 11:37:32 PM >

(in reply to VideoAdminAlpha)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/6/2010 12:04:43 AM

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From: London, Ontario
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First of all it is a really cool and legit question, OP.

yet, I don't think he wants advice on the details of what his D/s relationship means. I feel the emphasis should be on the 'withdrawl' aspect. Which can go both ways.

I wonder if she also misses your Dominance? You are also asking if it is 'normal'. Well nothing is 'normal nor abnormal' persay...it is merely how you feel. As long as it isn't destructive to another (or yourself), it is 'normal'. That is the least to worry about.

Since this is new, and I am no Dom/me, but it might be a kinda Dom frenzy situation, an early addiction because you had a taste of it. Others with 40 years experience likely have the same feelings over a new girl or even their consistent girl ..if separated.

I do believe you have a legitimate reason to be 'in withdrawls' and feel for ya. But, please don't discount that it can go both ways. I hope other men can describe it better and more 'masculinly' lol.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/6/2010 8:06:17 AM

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To the OP-
I think the phrase La Lafayette about life getting in the way is on target. I think just about everyone can understand the frustration that occurs when life gets in the way- kids, jobs, family, sickness, etc.

But that just illustrates why any 24/7 situation needs to be grounded in a relationship that is satisfying, apart from the playtime or sexuality.

We don't stop being Dominants when we lay down the paddle; I wouldn't let your enjoyment of playtime become such a big focus of your relationship, or your Dominance- Because life has to come first, and Dominance and submission are woven into the fabric of it, in every single act you and her do together.

(in reply to ricken)

RE: Withdrawls from not being Dom - 3/6/2010 9:24:23 AM

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Yeah.... I watched this thread grow yesterday...
Back on track.
I came her to see if my reaction was normal for lack of playtime.
I guess in order to answer questions people have more details might be in order.

To answer a few questions, we don't live together, I usually spend weekends with her, a somtimes a day during the week.
YES I know I need to talk to her. I don't do things behind her back, we started our relationship with open discussion, and will always communicate. In our relationship I am the thinker and start most of our conversations, in the begining we had some issues because she held back things she needed to say. In communication I have become the leader in this relationship.

She calls me a sick freak, out of love, because she knows only a sick freak would be able to deal with a slut like her. She has told me a story of a scaring away a guy, when he found some rope on the bedroom floor teid to the bed.

I have also taken her limits pretty far, for her, she has never been chained up and her ass beat with a crop before, she claims she doesn't like getting spanked but does things that she knows will end in that result. I have never wanted to hit/hurt someone I cared for before, I really do get a rush from it. For me it is not only pushing her, it is also in controlling/pacing myself. She knows her ass will be slaped, she will be pushed and pulled, somethings will be done to her she claims, or may not actually like, she has safewords, AND I dont use (much) force for her to put her hands above her head and the chain cliped to the cuff

SO my conclussion to my own question? So far...the rush from the more extream play creats a euphoric (sp?) feeling, releasing the feel good juices in the brain. I looked a little more online and I think subs feel a drop after playtime, why wouldn't someome that is Dom not feel the same type of drop? Since they would also get a rush from the act?

Again why do I post here first, because her earlier long term relationship was more into BDSM, she enjoys it and wants it incorperated in our relationship. While she has more experience she doesn't have the knowledge of why. I want to make sure our relationship is succesfull and will do all I can. That means asking some general questions to outsiders first, doing some additional research, and then adding a little thought and comming to a conclusion

(in reply to AnimusRex)

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