too selfish to be submissive?

too selfish to be submissive? (Full Version)

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SxySubSarah -> too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 9:41:22 PM)
"... at the moment i get pleasure out of knowing that if my partner is pleased he will be more likely to please me in return. and that he will take better care of my needs if i make sure that all of his are met first..." this is a quote from a chat i recently had. while i realize that this is pretty selfish thinking for being submissive, is it just the completely wrong idea? is this considered unacceptable behavior for a submissive, even in the beginning of a relationship? i would really love to here other people's oppinion's on this.

truesub4u -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 9:52:42 PM)
alot will say yes.. it's wrong.. but I've never thought like others do... I actually agree with this. alot will say.. a submissive and or slave shouldn't be seeking pleasure.. other than the plesure of serving.. I don't agree with that at all. But like I said.. I think outside the norm I've been told... LOL

ownedgirlie -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 10:04:49 PM)
my Master & i talked recently about manipulative behavior. (i'm trying to get better at it LMAO - kidding). He has always said the harder i work at being pleasing, the more he ends up drawing me in, and wanting to give me more attention. i asked, isn't that manipulation? He said perhaps in a theoretical sense, but not such that it troubles him. He came to that conclusion because i am choosing to do as he wants me to in order to please him, and that is what i am about. He does not consider that manipulation by me; he considers it appropriate conduct. The quote you posted could possibly be construed in the same way, although i tend to not like the choice of words, "he will please me" and "he will take better care of my needs." But we are saying similar things. i don't know the context in which that quote was said. On the surface it looks like it could be selfish, but it may not be. What it boils down to, in my opinion, is the better we serve, the happier our Masters/Dominants are with us.

truesub4u -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 10:10:29 PM)
Throws a grannysmith at Owned..... watch that wording... [:D] We're talking sexual in this content... not as a whole... LOL

BitaTruble -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 10:14:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SxySubSarah "... at the moment i get pleasure out of knowing that if my partner is pleased he will be more likely to please me in return. and that he will take better care of my needs if i make sure that all of his are met first..." Sounds to me like someone who knows what they want and what it takes to get it. Realistic, down to Earth and has an understanding that life is ever mutable so lives in the moment rather than the past or for the possibilities of the future. I like their style even though it's not my style. :) Celeste

DelightMachine -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 10:14:57 PM)
I guess it's a question of just how radical and extreme you want to be. You can probably take anything to an extreme, including BDSM. It's kind of easy to take BDSM to an extreme because of all the passion it stirs up. Some people take it to that extreme, and I pity them.

ownedgirlie -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 10:25:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: truesub4u Throws a grannysmith at Owned..... watch that wording... [:D] We're talking sexual in this content... not as a whole... LOL OUCH! We are?

SxySubSarah -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 10:41:52 PM)
in this sense i was speaking sexually. as far as a relationship goes, i personally have no problem putting my partners needs above my own with no compensation. sexually though i find the want for my own pleasure to be a driving force. my goal is to eventually get past that though :)

ownedgirlie -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/2/2006 10:46:58 PM)
Ah...i thought you were talking about pleasing overall. In that case, my focus and energy is on pleasing him. To date, i have never parted company feeling like i missed out on anything, however, but my service to him is just that.

MHOO314 -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 5:27:36 AM)
No one enters a relationship without expecting something in return, even a service only submissive expects to feel the satisfaction of the joy of serving---however there comes a time as the relationship develops, that expectation need give way to trust--trust that your needs are understood, trust that Master can and will care for them---but to expect that each and every moment, Master is going to address your needs runs against the premise of serving Him, no matter what---and allowing Him to decide what is best when.

catize -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 5:50:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SxySubSarah "... at the moment i get pleasure out of knowing that if my partner is pleased he will be more likely to please me in return. and that he will take better care of my needs if i make sure that all of his are met first..." this is a quote from a chat i recently had. while i realize that this is pretty selfish thinking for being submissive, is it just the completely wrong idea? is this considered unacceptable behavior for a submissive, even in the beginning of a relationship? i would really love to here other people's oppinion's on this. I don't imagine we would be submissive if we didn't find joy from it. I doubt any dominant would want a disgruntled or unfulfilled submissive. As DG is fond of saying, "The best D/s (or any other) relationship is when both people believe they are getting the better part of the bargain."

RavenMuse -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 6:00:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: truesub4u Throws a grannysmith at Owned..... watch that wording... [:D] We're talking sexual in this content... not as a whole... LOL You might be talking sexual only... but for the likes of me the whole picture is the issue....It all helps me be happier.... a happier Raven is likely to be a more playful Raven... and just what might his favorate toy be? [:D]

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 6:37:51 AM)
It's important to be selfish and selfless in all relationships. We get into relationships that WE are fulfilled by. We serve because it makes US fulfilled to serve. If it didn't make us fulfilled to serve, we wouldn't do it. It's important to understand who you are and what you want- how else can you find a long term situation that will serve EVERYONE to the utmost?

Sirandlittle1 -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 6:57:56 PM)
Nobody acts altruistically. A slave serves because it make THEM feel complete, not the Master. But this is all somantics. sexually, if your not satisfied, then your gonna lose interest pretty quick. Thats nature for you. But then you can look at getting your needs addressed. Maybe there are 'buttons' that you can show a Dom that he's unaware of (they arent all mind readers unfortunately), this is where the communication comes in. There are bound to be areas of incompatability, and providing your need for these things is not too high, you may be able to do without, perhaps compensating in other areas. Personally, ive a libido that can drive a train. If my needs are not met, then im going to lose interest, fast. That is why careful negotiations at the start of my relationship ensured that we are compatable in the sexual side of things. It takes time to work out what is for you a want, and what is a need. Once your sure of these things, you can properly enter negotiations with a prospective partner. So no, i dont feel its selfish at all. Its realistic. If your needs are not met, the relationship will fail, be it vanilla or bdsm. littleone

starymists -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 7:25:11 PM)
I may be a submissive, but I get something from serving...for me, D/s works because I concentrate everything I have on pleasing my Dominant. My time, energy, efforts and resources go to making him happy and content. That doesn't mean that I don't have wants and needs. My Dominant is aware that there are things that I want and things that I need. Because I can trust him to handle those wants and needs in the time and place he sees fit, I don't find myself having to worry about myself, which then gives me more to focus on him. I know on one level or another, that the happier he is, the happier I will be...although I just get a kick out of making other people happy, and that is usually enough, serving him to get him to do something for me is not something I do. There have been times and places in my journey as a submissive during which I was not in active service to a Dominant. So I'd just find another way to serve people. Because the act of serving, in and of it's self meets a lot of my wants/needs. The remainder of the wants/needs that I have that are not met through the act of serving I have to either meet myself or trust those in my life to assist me in meeting. I know there are times that I will have to wait for that which I want or need...but I also know that my Dominant will meet those wants and needs in his own time, place space...so while I don't focus on getting my needs meet, I know that they will be.

Submotive -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 8:14:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SxySubSarah "... at the moment i get pleasure out of knowing that if my partner is pleased he will be more likely to please me in return. and that he will take better care of my needs if i make sure that all of his are met first..." this is a quote from a chat i recently had. while i realize that this is pretty selfish thinking for being submissive, is it just the completely wrong idea? is this considered unacceptable behavior for a submissive, even in the beginning of a relationship? i would really love to here other people's oppinion's on this. It's a dichotomy to me in that at the same instant that i please, i am pleased. i really don't know how to separate them. Whether the pleasure is sexual, sensual or service. However, there are various levels and intensities of pleasure - perhaps that's the only real difference i experience.

auburnsubhottie -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/3/2006 9:06:00 PM)
I think it depends....and would have to say what you describe, I see in me. But I am not owned....If I were, and was also still in mindset of being motivated to give pleasure so I could receive it, at that point in time, I would feel I was being selfish. I hope that makes sense.

Mercnbeth -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/4/2006 2:29:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SxySubSarah ...sexually though i find the want for my own pleasure to be a driving force. my goal is to eventually get past that though :) this slave used to have her very own pleasure as the driving force, after 10 years or so of 5-7 self-induced orgasms per morning(just to start the day off on a good note) this slave wanted to test those fantasies in reality--fantasies of serving someone as their sexual slave-- so this slave decided to actually make the entire focus of anything sexual be all about the other person involved=what was their very own personal pleasure, what did they want sexually, what did they need, what was their deepest desire~this slave was an empty sexual canvas for them to paint their fantasies on, an empty sexual vessel for them to pour their fantasies in and them getting off as much as possible was far more important than if this slave ever achieved another orgasm that stemmed from a fantasy in this slave's head. Of course, this shocked every single vanilla guy this slave ever presented herself to...some of them actually fell apart like cheaply made shotguns and some even suggested this slave check into some sort of therapy for her unnatural proclivities... thankfully, Master and His slave found each other and this slave's capacity for service is used for Master's pleasure alone~where, when, with what and whom are decided according to His pleasure, not this slave's. for this slave, there is a satisfaction that sexual service to Master brings that is deeper and longer lasting than the most intense orgasm this slave has ever experienced.

Reilithion -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/4/2006 3:37:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SxySubSarah "... at the moment i get pleasure out of knowing that if my partner is pleased he will be more likely to please me in return. and that he will take better care of my needs if i make sure that all of his are met first..." ownedgirlie mentioned manipulation in connection with this. quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie i asked, isn't that manipulation? He said perhaps in a theoretical sense, but not such that it troubles him. He came to that conclusion because i am choosing to do as he wants me to in order to please him, and that is what i am about. He does not consider that manipulation by me; he considers it appropriate conduct. But who is doing the manipulation? A dog can notice that when zie takes certain actions and makes zer owner happy, zie gets rewarded. Would it be "manipulation" for the dog to then choose to take those actions because zie wanted to be rewarded? Perhaps. But beyond that, it's certainly a form of training for the owner to consciously choose what to reward the dog for in the first place. In conclusion, don't worry too much about being selfish as long as you're still serving your Master. If they're happy with your service, why question it yourself? (and sure, there's going above and beyond and all that, but that's like extra-credit in school. don't feel bad for not being perfect)

KatyLied -> RE: too selfish to be submissive? (4/4/2006 4:59:08 AM)
quote: "... at the moment i get pleasure out of knowing that if my partner is pleased he will be more likely to please me in return. and that he will take better care of my needsif i make sure that all of his are met first..." Good girl! A relationship is about two (or more) people learning to meet each other's needs. There is nothing lacking in your motivation, as long as you enjoy the service you are providing. Your needs and feelings are as important as his. And if one of your needs is to pleased, so be it.

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