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"Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 3:46:00 AM

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It never fails... When I'm reading profiles or journal entries and come across someone who sparks my interest...I scroll over to the "Lives for, Loves, Likes..." section only to find it hasn't been filled out or there's a couple of vanilla activities and nothing more.

I do realize that it's more about the person then the activity...but I think that kink compatibility is an important part of overall compatibility.

For instance... it would be pointless for me to contact someone who was a Sadist, lived for puppy/pony roleplay and was heavily into needles, knives, and watersports... I'm not wired that way and if we connected in every other way...I would feel so guilty for not being able to accomodate something that they desire. So I would rather not contact them or respond to them in the first place.

I find that section of a profile to be a good screening tool for establishing some degree of kink compatability and am a little frustrated when it's not used.

What are your thoughts... Do you find that section of a profile usefull... do you fill it out... and how important is kink compatibility to you?

Or am I taking to much responsibility in wanting to be able to fulfill all my Dom's needs and maybe he's quite happy to hang up the bridals and leave the the bowls to the pups and gain his pleasure through other activities?

In looking over this post... I don't think it would matter if the Dom was willing to "hang up the bridles" ... I would still feel guilty.

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 4/20/2010 4:19:05 AM >

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'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

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RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:18:27 AM

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When I was looking, I pretty much ignored the kink lists and focused more on the essay section of someone's profile. I also don't have kinks listed in mine. I may be just lucky, but I have found that when the compatibility and connection is there, the kink naturally falls into place.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:22:17 AM

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I would have to say that if they don't have lives for listed, then maybe it isn't the activity that gets them but the reaction. The Man feeds off the energy I give during play. It doesn't matter if it takes a little pinch or some nasty clamps, he's fine either way as long as he's getting the reactions.

Plus rope for us but there we match.

Maybe write and ask them? Because if it's the energy and reactions, then you won't be a mismatch. Just because his last sub gave off the desired response during puppy play doesn't mean he needs it. He might be fine getting the same responsiveness from you during wax. If it is indeed the response that gets him.

_____________________________

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RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:28:26 AM

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and on the other hand.. i used to be Owned by someone who's Main kink and fetish wasnt something i could share in and find happiness.. He knew that and didnt ask it of me and in the end .. i too felt less than perfect for Him and like a bit of a failure. It was the begining of the end . i pay attention now to what They Desire and feel they Need in thier life. If i don't have the confidence that i can do this for them and be thrilled to do so .. then i wouldnt put them thru that. We can always HOPE that we click enough to make other things not matter but i think they are always there.... lurking.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:30:00 AM

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jb, I'm one of those pesky dominants that hasn't filled that section out. ;-)

Why? Well because I don't define myself by my kink. And I don't want a potential partner to assess me based on this either. I say straight out using words in the first few lines of my profile that I'm sadistic. Most of us who are, do. I also give a much better description with words, with my journal entries and with my posts here about the type of person that I am than a list ever could.

I realise that it would be a time saver for you to know everything upfront, but much like real life, we don't come with a list of likes and loves on our foreheads. We need to take the time to get to know people.

Now as for finding compatibility, well that is another story. Are you looking for a play partner or a dominant to have a meaningful relationship with? If it is the former, I can see why the checklist might be more important, and I'm sure those who are into play partners will have filled it out. But if it is the latter, then you have to think that real chemistry is going to be built on a whole lot more than a list of likes and dislikes.

Take for example my last relationship. He started off vanilla and really got into the D/s part of things, a little bondage but not the S&M. That was not going to be a reason to not make an honest try with him because he was so many other things to me. It didn't work out, but I can guarantee you that it wasn't because of that. In fact, that would be one of the last reasons.

I hope this insight helped.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:31:13 AM

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i ripped out all my BDSM interests last month, it's really cut down on the tasteless one liners. Goal achieved! :) i think, really, people want to be written to and they hope they'll get mail if they leave a lot of mystery. Either that or they're not especially keen on spending a load of time on their profile. This could be good or bad depending on how one looks at it.

ETA: i was referring to people who don't have much essay or checked boxes listed. LA's, for instance, has a well written essay portion--there's little need for "lives for" portion. As for me, i don't have much up because i'd rather spend my time here.

< Message edited by petmonkey -- 4/20/2010 4:38:50 AM >

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RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:36:33 AM

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I've never been "looking" on this site and honestly, probably never would. But if I did, I sincerely doubt I'd fill in the kink list. Besides, the phrase "mostly vanilla" covers it for me quite handily anyway *laughs*

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:37:35 AM

OrpheusAgonistes

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quote:

For instance... it would be pointless for me to contact someone who was a Sadist, lived for puppy/pony roleplay and was heavily into needles, knives, and watersports... I'm not wired that way and if we connected in every other way...I would feel so guilty for not being able to accomodate something that they desire. So I would rather not contact them or respond to them in the first place.

It might be more useful to use the lists primarily to disqualify people with whom you're obviously not compatible. If they "live for" things in which you have no interest at all or which you already know you dislike, then it's probably not worth contacting them. In my case, if someone "lives for" or "loves" public play, for instance, I'm very unlikely to contact/respond. Likewise, if someone ranks activities I really enjoy as "hates" or a "hard limit" then I assume there's no real chance for compatibility.

I know that my own list of BDSM interests is fairly sparse. That's because when I see a list like that, my reaction to most options is "Well, that depends on...." My assumption is that other people probably had similar reactions, so I'm more inclined to reserve judgment on compatibility until I've at least interacted with someone on some level.

_____________________________

What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:38:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I would have to say that if they don't have lives for listed, then maybe it isn't the activity that gets them but the reaction. The Man feeds off the energy I give during play. It doesn't matter if it takes a little pinch or some nasty clamps, he's fine either way as long as he's getting the reactions.

Plus rope for us but there we match.

Maybe write and ask them? Because if it's the energy and reactions, then you won't be a mismatch. Just because his last sub gave off the desired response during puppy play doesn't mean he needs it. He might be fine getting the same responsiveness from you during wax. If it is indeed the response that gets him.

Hmmmm maybe instead of "Rapture Dom" we need a category for "Response Dom"

I hadn't thought of it from that perspective... and it would get me past that "guilt feeling" of not being able to engage in an activity.

Thank you!

Lauren... I think you have been lucky...I've encountered this a few times...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:43:50 AM

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Joined: 2/18/2010
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I looked at profiles. I barely skimmed the list of loves/hates. I knew myself well enough to know there were very few places I couldn't go with the right man. Since you are somewhat new on the experience level it's hard to say what you really can and can't go for. Oh, I know, I do, I swear, that you are thinking there is no way I could ever x! But two things happen.. A. As you experience more your willingness to try other things grows. B. You very well may find it all depends on the Man. And like Desfip said, for the Man it can all depend on the woman and her responses. (using men/women since it applies to OP, but are obviously interchangable)

I wouldn't limit myself too much based on the list. Now, I'm not saying you should contact someone who is seriously into the poly life, when you are seriously mono. Or someone who is seriously into humiliation and no spanking when what you love is spanking etc... but if it's blank, or there are overlap areas I'd atleast talk to them and see what their thoughts are.
~s

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 4:58:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

jb, I'm one of those pesky dominants that hasn't filled that section out. ;-)

Why? Well because I don't define myself by my kink. And I don't want a potential partner to assess me based on this either. I say straight out using words in the first few lines of my profile that I'm sadistic. Most of us who are, do. I also give a much better description with words, with my journal entries and with my posts here about the type of person that I am than a list ever could.

I realise that it would be a time saver for you to know everything upfront, but much like real life, we don't come with a list of likes and loves on our foreheads. We need to take the time to get to know people.

Now as for finding compatibility, well that is another story. Are you looking for a play partner or a dominant to have a meaningful relationship with? If it is the former, I can see why the checklist might be more important, and I'm sure those who are into play partners will have filled it out. But if it is the latter, then you have to think that real chemistry is going to be built on a whole lot more than a list of likes and dislikes.

Take for example my last relationship. He started off vanilla and really got into the D/s part of things, a little bondage but not the S&M. That was not going to be a reason to not make an honest try with him because he was so many other things to me. It didn't work out, but I can guarantee you that it wasn't because of that. In fact, that would be one of the last reasons.

I hope this insight helped.

- LA

Loverly...I sometimes think you have the other half of my brain...we have many similarities.

LA... What you sat does make a lot of sense... but I do worry about making that connection and then feeling inadequate to make them happy in all areas of our life... Which is why the response that DF gave is really good for me... I know I can do response!

Orpheus and PM... I do think of it much more as a screening tool for who not to contact or respond to... which is why I used the example I did...because someone has blindfolds and bondage as a love, isn't enough for me to say "I've found the one"

but it is going to perk my interest if they contact me.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 5:02:05 AM

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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
. . . it would be pointless for me to contact someone who was a Sadist, lived for puppy/pony roleplay and was heavily into needles, knives, and watersports... I'm not wired that way and if we connected in every other way...I would feel so guilty for not being able to accomodate something that they desire. So I would rather not contact them or respond to them in the first place.

I find that section of a profile to be a good screening tool for establishing some degree of kink compatability and am a little frustrated when it's not used.

What are your thoughts... Do you find that section of a profile usefull... do you fill it out... and how important is kink compatibility to you?

Or am I taking to much responsibility in wanting to be able to fulfill all my Dom's needs and maybe he's quite happy to hang up the bridals and leave the the bowls to the pups and gain his pleasure through other activities?

In looking over this post... I don't think it would matter if the Dom was willing to "hang up the bridles" ... I would still feel guilty.

I do find that section of the profile very useful... I read yours and changed mine to match (took out pony, bloodsport etc). You can feel free to contact me now!

But seriously, I use that profile section for finding common ground and something to talk about when flirting. I don't want to try to get all sexy talking up knife play to someone that vomits at the sight of blood.

As far as using that profile section as a filter for future relation responsibilities and ability to fulfill the other person's kinks, I don't take it too seriously unless I have an aversion to their most of their favorite activities or we have absolutely nothing in common. For example, I don't like diapers or AB. If those things are on their list among other things I do like, I will allow or initiate first contact. If their list of favs is AB, scat, diapers, pissing themselves, nursing on mommy's teat, living in a baby pen, etc. I know I'm not the one for them.

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 5:21:30 AM

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quote:

LA... What you sat does make a lot of sense... but I do worry about making that connection and then feeling inadequate to make them happy in all areas of our life... Which is why the response that DF gave is really good for me... I know I can do response!

If you two really have chemistry and you are feeling inadequate, then someone isn't doing something right. I've been with non-maso's in my life and never once was I making them feel inadequate, nor have they ever.

DesFIP is on the nose about the asking part, and this reaches what I said about communication. A list is not a very rich form of communication.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 5:32:37 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
If you two really have chemistry and you are feeling inadequate, then someone isn't doing something right.

I love that line.

In any relationship of mine, the "something" which isn't being done right almost certainly has nothing to do with a sexual technique.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 5:33:45 AM

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I'm a straight Dom man. If she's a straight (or bi) sub woman, we've got play compatibility down 90% at least.

The thing that is not mentioned in the lists and should be - "willing to please". If she has that, we're there as long as we're vanilla compatible.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 5:34:54 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
. . . it would be pointless for me to contact someone who was a Sadist, lived for puppy/pony roleplay and was heavily into needles, knives, and watersports... I'm not wired that way and if we connected in every other way...I would feel so guilty for not being able to accomodate something that they desire. So I would rather not contact them or respond to them in the first place.

I find that section of a profile to be a good screening tool for establishing some degree of kink compatability and am a little frustrated when it's not used.

What are your thoughts... Do you find that section of a profile usefull... do you fill it out... and how important is kink compatibility to you?

Or am I taking to much responsibility in wanting to be able to fulfill all my Dom's needs and maybe he's quite happy to hang up the bridals and leave the the bowls to the pups and gain his pleasure through other activities?

In looking over this post... I don't think it would matter if the Dom was willing to "hang up the bridles" ... I would still feel guilty.

I do find that section of the profile very useful... I read yours and changed mine to match (took out pony, bloodsport etc). You can feel free to contact me now!

But seriously, I use that profile section for finding common ground and something to talk about when flirting. I don't want to try to get all sexy talking up knife play to someone that vomits at the sight of blood.

As far as using that profile section as a filter for future relation responsibilities and ability to fulfill the other person's kinks, I don't take it too seriously unless I have an aversion to their most of their favorite activities or we have absolutely nothing in common. For example, I don't like diapers or AB. If those things are on their list among other things I do like, I will allow or initiate first contact. If their list of favs is AB, scat, diapers, pissing themselves, nursing on mommy's teat, living in a baby pen, etc. I know I'm not the one for them.

OBPF... I'm sure that what you say is true... it's why there are a lot of things I haven't listed on that part of my profile, I either don't have enough experience to know how I feel about it...or it will depend on how it's handled or I have some sort of issue or medical concern that we need to discuss prior to engaging in certain things.

RS... You can flirt with me anytime *bats eyelashes* I think we have the same ideas on using this part of a profile...more to screen out parties who live for activities you have no interest in

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 5:56:29 AM

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I'm with the OP on this one. If I was looking I'd likely have that section filled out or would go into enough detail in my profile to have a similar end result. If my short list of favorite things and a submissive's short list of hard limits have a significant overlap then it's just not going to happen no matter how much we may connect on other levels. I cannot see how each of us learning this information during some footsie playing exercise of getting to know each other is preferred to knowing it from jump street.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 5:58:36 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm a straight Dom man. If she's a straight (or bi) sub woman, we've got play compatibility down 90% at least.

The thing that is not mentioned in the lists and should be - "willing to please". If she has that, we're there as long as we're vanilla compatible.

It's because of the "willing to please" I would up that to "need to please" that this becomes an issue...

I'm not going to get an obvious tatoo, provide toilet service or crawl around on all fours in a diaper or wearing a bridle making horsey noises while you chase after me flogging my ass...(ok I'm aware that may have been a wank moment for some)

and I'll feel guilty and inadequate for not doing so... even if my head thinks they're unreasonable requests.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 6:15:35 AM

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FR

I can't speak for male doms, or for subs, but as a domme who had kink interests listed, I used to get a lot of mails saying 'we've got the same boxes ticked, so you should serve my kink' (well, ok, not outright, but that's basically what they meant...), without any reference to what was written in my actual profile.

That was irritating...

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: "Lives for, loves, likes..." - 4/20/2010 6:17:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
It's because of the "willing to please" I would up that to "need to please" that this becomes an issue... I'm not going to get an obvious tatoo, provide toilet service or crawl around on all fours in a diaper or wearing a bridle making horsey noises while you chase after me flogging my ass...(ok I'm aware that may have been a wank moment for some) and I'll feel guilty and inadequate for not doing so... even if my head thinks they're unreasonable requests.

In my opinion, this is yet another of those cases where theory doesn't match up to actuality. What you would, in theory, be willing to do for some hypothetical partner and what you would, in actuality, do probably bear little to no resemblance to each other. Honestly... think for a second. Imagine you are in the happiest relationship you can imagine. Assume that your partner fulfills you deeply and fully. Let that play out a few years where your partner has consistently demonstrated that you are the absolute top priority on their list. Now does that bridle really sound like such a stretch?

My general assessment is that a lot of things which seem implausible change entirely in the presence of the right relationship. Not because you're the sub. But because ways to please the person who gives you so much are just too valuable to pass up for trivialities. I've changed some rather significant parts of my likes and dislikes for Carol.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jbcurious)

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