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switch with aversions - 5/2/2010 4:58:01 PM

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i've known i was a switch for years but have never been comfortable enough with a partner to be tied cuffed or anything close. i've been held down and instantly my breathing changed and more than anything else i was focused on getting out of that situation.
not to say i've never been topped, it's just any kind of restraint or genuine forfeit of power(mobility) leaves me panicked and completely out of sorts.

i've been tied before and it was good, the only thing that made it alright was that it really wasn't sexual. it was just sort of me having my arms tied to the bedframe on my back and her basically cuddling on me. was really nice and unexpected.

my thing is that, i can't handle being tied without a lot of contact- like if someone were to leave the room while i was restrained i'd panic immediately.

anyone else similar to this?

RE: switch with aversions - 5/4/2010 1:02:30 PM

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From: Apple County NY
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Any time you ask a question if there are others like this, the answer is yes. The solution is simple too. Tell your partner to make noise while they're walking across the floor so you know you haven't been abandoned. I can get like this, so The Man makes a point of touching me when he goes rummaging in the toy bag. Tickles foot, pinches nipple, brief kiss or bite. The brief sensations tend to ramp your excitement up, not knowing what will come next.

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RE: switch with aversions - 5/5/2010 4:56:03 AM

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It's been my experience, in the past when I've bottomed, that I like being held down, no problem. If I'm told not to touch or move my hands, no problem there either, As soon as a partner tries to use cuffs or rope to restrain my hands,though, I panic.

I can also relate to the desire/need for contact while my movement is restricted in some way. I'm a very touchy feely sort of person and the withdrawl of physical contact causes me to feel I've failed in some way. Like DesFIP said, even having her man in the room, making noise or rattling toys around can be reassuring. That helps me sometimes but not always, depending on the reason for loss of contact.

The "out of sorts" feeling and the breathing change you mentioned is something I've discussed with a good friend of mine, a male dom, and he laughed and told me it would be interesting to see if I felt the same panic were I 100% comfortable and trusting of my partner. Maybe he's right...it's the trust that would be necessary to explore those feels, though.

Yeah, you're generally going to find someone who can relate to or has had similar experiences. I like this question, though, because it made me think about a side (bottom/submissive) I haven't explored in a while.

*edited to add....OP, have a look at the Consensual/Non-consensual thread in the General BDSM section http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3192184 It actually touches on many of the things you've mentioned in so far as giving control goes. Interesting read. *

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 5/5/2010 5:30:37 AM >

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RE: switch with aversions - 5/5/2010 10:50:16 AM

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Excellent topic Subverse.!

Expanding to encompass "what happen's when you hit a boundary?" Does this mean (another topic) you shouldn't press the boundary, Is't this part of the attraction? "Discovery."

This is where A Switch shines, empathize with your head-space and still able to design a scenario from a Dominants head-space to push the line. In reading a wickedly sadistic smile slowly grew doing just that, finding included in your post the route I would take to push those limits

quote:

never been comfortable enough with a partner to be tied cuffed or anything close

. The stated boundary and why the comfort zone

quote:

focused on getting out of that situation

.The psychical reason for the boundary

quote:

it was just sort of me having my arms tied to the bedframe on my back and her basically cuddling on me. was really nice and unexpected.

Here is the chink it the armor i would exploit. The question how to take control by giving control. One example would be (handy) Ties attached to the bed the sub would hold the ties simulating being restrained the Dominant would reward or punish for correct behavior. In this example multiply power transfers/flipping take place. The Dominate still calls the shots the control of escapes still in you grasp you've just exchange the focus from escaping to one of pleasing. (I could go on, in my head i am.) But in small increments your trust in your partner increases and just maybe the pleaser will out weigh the apprehension

<Snickers> send four box tops for the full scenario

Mistress once told me "It's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

Switch with swagger

< Message edited by TomCypress -- 5/5/2010 11:34:09 AM >

(in reply to CarrieO)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/5/2010 12:37:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TomCypress

Here is the chink it the armor i would exploit. The question how to take control by giving control. One example would be (handy) Ties attached to the bed the sub would hold the ties simulating being restrained the Dominant would reward or punish for correct behavior. In this example multiply power transfers/flipping take place. The Dominate still calls the shots the control of escapes still in you grasp you've just exchange the focus from escaping to one of pleasing. (I could go on, in my head i am.) But in small increments your trust in your partner increases and just maybe the pleaser will out weigh the apprehension

<Snickers> send four box tops for the full scenario

Mistress once told me "It's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

Switch with swagger

Your a clever guy Tom and I like that idea a lot.
I do have to say though, trust is not always the problem. I wholeheartedly trust my partner with my life but being tied up for me is a genuine phobia and so has nothing to do with trusting my partner but all to do with trusting myself not to panic.

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(in reply to TomCypress)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/5/2010 3:03:23 PM

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Everyone here has their things that they can and cannot do. You are not alone. Instead of trying complicated theories on finding ways to not do the thing you really don't want to do, why not just be honest with your partner and avoid it? Bondage is not a necessary element of every kinkster's life and purposefully putting yourself in panic inducing situations shouldn't be a goal imo. In fact, being unbound and told not to stuggle, move, etc is one hell of a challenge and quite stimulating in and of itself.

By the way my weird thing is feet, I hate hate hate having them touched EVER and it freaks me out totally....it's embarassing and no clue where it comes from...really it sucks, but we are what we are and I've never had a problem with someone not understanding it and just working around it.

Good luck!

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When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Subversed)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/6/2010 4:25:29 AM

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I've been with The Man for 8 years. Trust is not the issue. I just panic.

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(in reply to laurell3)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/6/2010 7:16:11 AM

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To laurell3 do you bring up your aversion early on or does it come up later on it a relationship.

I hate....hate... to be tickled, listed as hard limit.

i know it's dumb but it makes my skin crawl (shutters just thinks of it) its usually talked about with in the first 30 minutes of meeting

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/6/2010 4:55:47 PM

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I've kind of come to terms with my weird little qualities, it doesn't really matter when it comes up. After all if I'm going to share it with people on a internet message board I shouldn't be adverse to sharing it with someone I'm considering possibly having sex with should I?

I do tend to talk to anyone I will meet irl ALOT before that meeting, so limits always comes up somewhere in there.

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to TomCypress)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/7/2010 2:54:06 AM

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Maybe you should get him to tie you up in a comfy position, maybe led on a bed, spread eagled or something and he can cuddle you whilst you watch tv and talk about things. Get him to give you a massge. Do something you really enjoy together whilst restrained and perhaps you will start to relax. Do this often enough and you'll probably just start assosiating restraints with good happy feelings.

(in reply to laurell3)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/7/2010 10:40:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

By the way my weird thing is feet, I hate hate hate having them touched EVER and it freaks me out totally....it's embarassing and no clue where it comes from...really it sucks, but we are what we are and I've never had a problem with someone not understanding it and just working around it.

Good luck!

Feet are icky

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(in reply to laurell3)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/7/2010 5:43:56 PM

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anteater feet are paticularly icky

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 5:00:36 AM

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I can't argue with that.

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(in reply to laurell3)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 9:37:03 AM

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I am right again!!!! Yay me!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 10:18:39 AM

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You WILL lick the Anteaters toes!

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(in reply to laurell3)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 10:21:37 AM

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Invokes the safeword and runs away....nooooooo redrum! redrum!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 10:41:48 AM

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i thought i had posted a reply here about CarrieO's and Laurell's replies being the best sofar but it's nowhere to be found.

i'm not complicated- sure i'd like to test limits, but i really dislike the feeling i get when i'm panicked and scared to die lol.

(in reply to laurell3)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 10:43:02 AM

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Thanks and never try to fit yourself in someone else's idea of what you should be. You alone know your limits and there are many things out there to play with that don't involve panic...it is still supposed to be fun you know?

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Subversed)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 10:56:44 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Thanks and never try to fit yourself in someone else's idea of what you should be. You alone know your limits and there are many things out there to play with that don't involve panic...it is still supposed to be fun you know?

Fun?...FUN?... are you nuts?!... this is serious life changing shit!

Oh........... wait....... nm

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(in reply to laurell3)

RE: switch with aversions - 5/8/2010 3:32:54 PM

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Of course I'm nuts, I'm here aren't I?

But seriously, (well kinda) that's the thing I like about anteaters the most...they know how to have fun...and yes contrary to popular belief, I don't just do this for the mind-blowing orgasms, or for seeing the absolutely blissful look on his face when he finally pushes me to tears, or for hearing him growl....I do it for the fun that we both have....I think sometimes in all the rigid thinking that point is lost and it's one I'm reminding myself of right now.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 5/8/2010 3:39:52 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)

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