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I need help. - 5/8/2010 8:56:21 AM

Posts: 23
Joined: 12/23/2009
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I have been with my girlfriend for years, she's the only person I've ever been with.

She drives me fucking insane. She does not understand boundaries, needs, or the idea of space.

We periodically break up and she whines her way back into my life because she lives literally right around the corner.

I don't know how to leave a person that refuses to be left.

Sometimes I feel like the only way to make her understand is to cheat on her, and I'm not that type of person.

We have talks about these things, and then she magically "forgets" these talks as if they've never happened.

She fills me with rage. Just thinking about her pisses me off. And the worst part is that I don't know how to express this to her without making her cry.

It isn't like I don't care about her, I just want someone that will actually level with me, as well as someone who knows how to take care of their man, instead of being taken care of in a sense. She does not work, but still expects me to do stuff for her after I get off a nine hour shift.

Please help me.

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:03:51 AM

Posts: 3044
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From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

Oh man that is rough. Yah, tough call.

She sounds like she doesnt pull her weight in the relationship.

Say no to her. You work a nine hour shift, tell her to do it herself or get a job so she knows what it is like.

Get your rage out without directing it straight at her. Yell scream stomp and all that but dont do it into her face. In your car, into a pillow or towel, a punching bag, get the anger out but dont throw it in her face, that is damaging and rarely gets you the results you want.

cute distraction in the meantime

_____________________________

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(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:07:38 AM

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Welcome Gurlugon, my advice, for what it's worth, move house and don't tell her.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:09:08 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
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This sounds horrible. The only way I can help you is to say to leave her and don't open the door again this time. Stand firm. It's not working for either of you. You're both young...you'll go on to find a better fit. Why stick with something that fills you with anger even if you have feelings for her? Neither of you is benefiting from this in the end.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:20:54 AM

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Joined: 12/23/2009
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My problem is that every time I try to break up with her, she wants to talk about it. And when we talk about it, she ropes me back into it and I don't know what to do. I can't just tell her that she annoys the piss out of me that would traumatize her.

She's very sensitive.

As for the tell her to get a job, I have. To the person that said move house and don't tell her, that is a terrible idea.

And all other ideas I have tried.

(in reply to lizi)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:23:33 AM

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Joined: 2/6/2005
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You are not going to get out of this without seeing her tears. Be honest with her, tell her how you feel and why this is not working for either of you. She will cry, whine and beg you to stay, but don't give in.

The relationship you are in is not healthy for you....let alone for the both of you! Get out while you can and save your own health, well-being and sanity!

(in reply to lizi)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:26:05 AM

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Joined: 4/3/2010
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I would offer that you need to stop worrying so much about traumatizing her or making her cry. If you truly want out of the relationship then you need to say this as clearly as possible. Be straightforward and honest with her, without being cruel. You are not responsible for how she handles the information, that's on her. You are, however, responsible for being wishy-washy and allowing her to pull you back in. If the relationship is not healthy, get out of it and stick to it.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:28:36 AM

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Joined: 12/23/2009
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okay here's a perfect example. I just got off the phone with her. She wants to come over. I tell her no. She asks what's wrong and I say I feel like I need some space.

She then insists that she comes over at nine. I say maybe (in a tone that really says no god damn it leave me alone) and she says just call me when you get off work so I can come over and smoke (the weed that I paid for).

Then she goes on about how it's not fair that the weed is at my house and that she can't smoke it because I'm not here.

I wanted to say get your own damn weed, buy your own damn bong and smoke in your fucking car if you're such a fucking addict.

But all that came out was "whatever."

How do I make this person understand that just because she wants to get high doesn't mean she has a right to it?

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:30:53 AM

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Joined: 12/23/2009
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See it's just not that simple. She doesn't understand the idea of wanting to be alone. She thinks that I need someone there with me because of my anger, when it's more like I wish there was no one around so that I wouldn't be so angry.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I dream about beating the living shit out of her almost every night. yeah. It's not good.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:39:50 AM

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon

okay here's a perfect example. I just got off the phone with her.

Yes, that is the perfect example of how you are your own worst enemy. Don't call her and don't answer when she calls. Don't answer the door if she knocks. This is not rocket science. Stop engaging in interaction with her!

And by the way, nobody is "sensitive". It's something people, particularly girls, do to manipulate people.

Cali

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(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:42:00 AM

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Joined: 11/21/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon

okay here's a perfect example. I just got off the phone with her. She wants to come over. I tell her no. She asks what's wrong and I say I feel like I need some space.

She then insists that she comes over at nine. I say maybe (in a tone that really says no god damn it leave me alone) and she says just call me when you get off work so I can come over and smoke (the weed that I paid for).

Communication is your friend....by saying " maybe" and hoping to hell that she figures out what you really mean you are setting yourself up for failure. If she is insisting she wants to come over at 9 and you don't want her to say no

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon
Then she goes on about how it's not fair that the weed is at my house and that she can't smoke it because I'm not here.

I wanted to say get your own damn weed, buy your own damn bong and smoke in your fucking car if you're such a fucking addict.

But all that came out was "whatever."

And again you are not helping yourself by being so vague. By saying "whatever" you are giving her the chance to interpret that as yeah sure, do what you want and I will be fine with it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon
How do I make this person understand that just because she wants to get high doesn't mean she has a right to it?

Well actually if she wants to get high that is entirely her choice however if she is getting high on your stash you need to say no and to be clear and firm about this. Otherwise you have no one to blame but yourself.

It can be difficult to learn clear communication. At the moment your passive -aggressive style is helping no one, especially not you. You are saying one thing eg. maybe and meaning something entirely different no god damn it leave me alone and assuming that she will figure it out herself.

Explain to her clearly that you feel things are not working out and that you will not be seeing her again. And then do not engage in any discussion, do not answer the phone when she rings. If she comes to your house let you family/friends/whoever - know that you have broken up with her and do not wish to see her. Delete her from facebook, twitter, myspace, all of your messenger programmes etc.

You mention anger and the dreams....think about talking to a counsellor about this. I hope things work out for you, it sounds like you are feeling under a lot of pressure.

edited to fix formatting

< Message edited by wandersalone -- 5/8/2010 9:44:33 AM >

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
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http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:47:36 AM

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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You really aren't doing her any favors by letting it continue. Stop being nice and be honest. Tell her your needs in a relationship include someone that can provide for your needs not just have their needs met and she just doesn't fill the bill and stop feeling guilty and move on if that's what you want. All relationships work because two people communicate about their needs and most of those get met by the couple, it that's not present, it won't work...it's really that simple and no amount of guilt or stalking will ever fix that.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:50:02 AM

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Joined: 4/3/2010
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But see, it really is that simple. Don't expect her to read your mind. If you mean no, then say no. And back it up. Really very simple indeed.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:50:07 AM

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon

I have been with my girlfriend for years, she's the only person I've ever been with.
How many years?

She drives me fucking insane. She does not understand boundaries, needs, or the idea of space.
Sounds like the two of you are not compatible.

We periodically break up and she whines her way back into my life because she lives literally right around the corner.
You're young, eventually either you or her will move out on your own and she won't be around the corner anymore.

I don't know how to leave a person that refuses to be left.
That can be tough, but it can be done. Usually helped along by meeting someone you really care for.

Sometimes I feel like the only way to make her understand is to cheat on her, and I'm not that type of person.
After you break up with her, it is no longer cheating, it is getting on with your life.

We have talks about these things, and then she magically "forgets" these talks as if they've never happened.
Yea, women can be really good at that

She fills me with rage. Just thinking about her pisses me off. And the worst part is that I don't know how to express this to her without making her cry.
Find a quiet peaceful spot, far away from the girl and meditate.

It isn't like I don't care about her, I just want someone that will actually level with me, as well as someone who knows how to take care of their man, instead of being taken care of in a sense. She does not work, but still expects me to do stuff for her after I get off a nine hour shift.
Well we don't always find ourselves attracted to the healthiest relationships. Seeing that it isn't healthy, is the first step.

Please help me.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

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(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:50:26 AM

Posts: 23
Joined: 12/23/2009
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I can't afford a counselor and that was some pretty damn good advice. I just told her that I don't want her to come over tonight and that she needs to give me the space that I want.

(in reply to wandersalone)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:51:55 AM

dsmk7

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Joined: 5/6/2010
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You Deserve what you tolerate.

(in reply to laurell3)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:52:16 AM

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Joined: 5/2/2006
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I would dig a deep pit between our residences and line the bottom with sharpened bamboo stakes.

I am sorry, but you are going to have to go Charlie on her ass.

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RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:53:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon

I can't afford a counselor and that was some pretty damn good advice. I just told her that I don't want her to come over tonight and that she needs to give me the space that I want.

Well done

Now don't answer the phone if she rings or open the door etc etc

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:54:22 AM

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
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Yoda was a wise being. It would serve you well to heed his words....

Grave danger you are in. Impatient you are.
-- Yoda

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.
-- Yoda

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.
-- Yoda

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to Gurlugon)

RE: I need help. - 5/8/2010 9:56:34 AM

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon

I can't afford a counselor and that was some pretty damn good advice. I just told her that I don't want her to come over tonight and that she needs to give me the space that I want.

You could always send her a link to this thread. I would have no trouble telling her to bugger off for you. I won't even feel bad when she cries.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to Gurlugon)

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