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porcelaine -> RE: Breaking Mental Bonds. (5/13/2010 12:33:52 PM)
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Greetings LittleBroken,
Thank you for the compliment. I'm going to step out on a limb and shoot straight with you. Especially since you're coming from a perspective I really understand.
quote:
I want him. Never is there a moment in the day I don't think of him. He haunts my nights. I feel consumed. I do try to tough it out. Indulge in chest beating, self affirmation. When really....inside....
Slavery isn't a spigot you turn off at whim. If your yoke was firmly entrenched and you belonged to him that feeling will remain. It will take time to subside and you have various levels of change to embrace. But that's only one part of it. Knowing something and accepting it isn't the same. If you deny what you feel in the face of ideas that you must forget and let go, the feelings will persist. Sometimes you can will yourself to do things, and in other instances you must honor the process and allow it to take its natural course.
He haunts you because you were owned. If he hadn't etched himself upon your person you'd have never been his in the manner that you were. The release and everything that stems from it - all the feelings of angst, discontent, fear, sadness, etc. - are painful reminders of what you are and who you were to him. You don't cease to be a slave and in some respects you still feel bound. While he may have detached the tether, you haven't done the same. Your portion is still in place.
Your liaison exists on three planes - mental, physical, and emotional. You'll never be free of him until all three have been put to rest. It may sound daunting at the onset, but what springs forth can be positive if you approach it with honest eyes. You can tell me and everyone else you're okay, but only you know what's really swirling about within. Make sure those conversations are brutally forthright.
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I'm still his slave. I still crave his approval. I want his attention. I want his scent in my nostrils. I want the sound of his demands in my ears. I want to feel the weight of his collar on my neck.
And that is your truth. Right here and today. It isn't pretty and it may not be what some wish to see or hear, but slavery never is. It's raw and real. You say and do the unthinkable, without care for how others will receive it, but always in deference to and in consideration of the one you serve. So that is where you stand.
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BUT He is gone and I'm left wanting him. This is as raw and as authentic as I get.
And this is where you're moving towards. You will look back. You'll stand in place. You'll move forward and inch backwards on occasion. But you'll never forget. And sometimes you'll stand. And on other days you'll want to hang your head in shame. Sometimes you'll feel your legs weaken and yearn to rest or fall. On other occasions you'll wish the pain and ache would stop.
But it can't. It won't. And it shouldn't. You can't have it both ways. If you wish to walk this road proudly fettered there's always the risk that precious chain will be removed. I'm suggesting that you feel it all. Allow the tears to fall and the waves to crash when they arise. Once it subsides carry on with your day. The eruptions will be plentiful at the start, but they begin to lessen. As time passes you begin to notice a difference. The familiar brings a smile rather than sadness. And yesterday has given birth to a new day, one you're equipped to handle with some valuable tools within your belt to draw upon.
I would never suggest you do it if I wasn't keenly aware it could be done. You're a slave. You may no longer be HIS slave. But all the skills you gained in captivity are going to get you through the space between. I wish you well. :)
In Leather and Light,
~porcelaine
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