LadyPact
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I may be reading entirely too much into this, but it might be of some interest. I do agree with Lady A that you can look at this from the perspective of taking the kink out of it and see what could be at work under the surface.
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ORIGINAL: lurch999
i met an awesome Domme on this site a few months ago. She was just about done meeting people from CM when we met. After the initial phase when reality started setting in She started structuring my life a lot more than it had been in the past. i was given regular writing assignments and a dress code, as well as some other rules to follow. When we met i had virtually no real life experience, and had only met a few dommes in real life, with it not going anywhere. Ma'am has had experience going all the way back to the 1990s, but was wary of breaking in n00bs as She feels they have unrealistic expectations about the lifestyle.
I did want to mention that neither of the things that you describe above are not uncommon. I tend to think that there are a number of folks here who have prior BDSM experience that have had their share of fantasists from the online realm who become less and less likely to try to look for the diamonds in the heaps of useless rock. The very same can be said for some who have a number of years of experience being willing to take on those who have none. Being as someone who has about the same amount of time doing this as the person you were involved with, I can promise that over that many years, there have been multiple times that she's had to start at square one, and repeated that process with a number of individuals. The more times you do that, the less likely you may want to do it again.
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Honestly i had not expected things to go so rough, but i was just barely keeping ahead of all my new duties and sometimes screwing up and making Ma'am upset. The only problem was, i was only just keeping up with things because my life was going fine. From January through April things were a complete mess for me, i'm not going to bore everyone with my problems but suffice to say that one damn thing happened after another and things just went to hell, as they do some times. i screwed up on my duties so badly that Ma'am stopped bothering to give me assignemnts, and we didn't even do any SM related stuff and i would just hang out at Her house and eat Her food. Fortunately we get along as friends so we had things to do besides having Her beat me. Towards the end of April things got a lot better, which supported my views that once my life was in order i could get back to serving properly.
OK, here's the part where I want you to look at this and take the kink out of it.
Let's say that you had a vanilla relationship with this woman. I'm reading this as when things were going well, you were investing in this relationship. During your rough patch, you pulled back. Just the same as you could look at any other couple. If you were not participating in kink, would you allow your relationship to deteriorate? Would you stop kissing her to say hello or forget to ask her about her day? If you had genuine affection for this woman, would you stop reaffirming that because you were having some personal issues? If the problems were affecting the frequency of your sex life, would you just let it slide?
People who want to maintain a healthy relationship have to look at these things. Many people in the lifestyle see ritual and protocol as the equivelant of the way they interact in comparrison to the way vanilla people do. For example, My sub skipping his morning ritual would be the same to Me as My husband brushing past Me going to work in the morning without kissing Me good-bye or bothering to acknowledge My existance. If that pattern continued, at some point, I'm no longer going to think that display of affection is something I am looking forward to from him and I'm not going to ask for it. If he walked past Me every morning for a period of time, how many mornings would you expect Me to continue standing at the door to say good-bye to him when I already know that I am going to be ignored?
That's exactly what happened here. You stopped fulfilling your part of the arrangement by missing your assignments, so she stopped giving them. I would do the very same thing in her shoes.
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My question is this: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives?
From what I'm reading here, she gave you plenty of slack. She pulled back on the D/s and/or kink part and was supportive to you as a friend. (You do mention still spending time with her, going to her home, etc.) However, there is only so much that a person can give.
If you showed Me that this was the way that you would respond to My being in control, I think I would see rather quickly that there wasn't much there to begin with. I would see the lack of investment on your part as a sign that we were probably best suited as friends, but I'm not so sure I would see you as in submission to Me.
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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT
Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD
Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.
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