Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter

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MissAsylum -> Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 3:36:31 AM)
Backstory: Very recently, i met a member from this site for some coffee in an attempt for us to get to know each other better. We both had made it very clear through messages and phone conversation that this was a vanilla meeting, and no play and/or talking about play of would take place. Upon getting to the Starbucks- he was very polite and respectful. He gave me a firm handshake, paid for my coffee even though i planned on paying for it myself. While we were sitting down and talking about our vanilla lives, the conversation went smoothly.Then out of nowhere, while i was in mid-sentance, he said, "I'm sorry, this isnt working for me. You aren't a domme, you're too nice." Not the first time i've heard that [8\|]. I told him "i am a human first, so forgive me if i like to have nice, meaningful conversation." with it seeming like i had said nothing, he replied in a VERY snarky and LOUD manner, "You're not a domme! If you were, i'd be eating this fucking scone under the table like a dog! Am i? NO- YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE!" Mind you- this is in the middle of a crowded Starbucks in downtown Baltimore. I have no shame in what i am- but I'm not a fan of anybody causing a scene and having me involved. If that wasnt enough- he yelled for me to give me the money he spent on my coffee and that he dosn't give freebies out to desperate and pathetic women. i didnt even drink any of it- it was too hot. I got up, grabbed my bag- put the 5.38 in front of him, and i noticed he had a ragging erection. I assumed he was trying to get a rise out of me. Now what i did next was ill on my part, but since EVERYBODY was staring i saw no harm by giving them some additional entertainment. I took the lid off the coffee i had and dumped it all over his lap and left. No words or anything. So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? I haven't met too many people just for conversation, so i really don't know if there is something i'm just not getting.

LadyCimarron -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 4:11:11 AM)
Hell no, you don't have to assert Dominance at a first meeting. In fact since you are the Domme it happens when You say so. That fool was probably trying to get a cheap thrill at your expense. You did the most dominant thing you could have possibly done....LEAVE. Way to go girl! btw I call that the "Subdominant attitude" pushy, demanding and sometimes scary subs trying to make you be the kind of controller they want you to be. Their thinking is like this- [sm=boxer.gif]"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING SISTER! YOUR A DOMME AND I'M A SUB! SO YOU BETTER START DOMMING ME RIGHT NOW GIRLY!!!!"[sm=boxer.gif]

MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 4:48:43 AM)
i've only had that kind of encounter from people online who like to be keyboard warriors. and thank goodness for a nifty invention called the "block" button. but having it happen in front of my face...wow.

Caius -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 4:52:09 AM)
Hmmm, don't care to be the one to bring acrimony to another of your threads right of the bat, but it strikes me that you are asking a question that you couldn't possible be expecting a non-affirmative answer to from the majority of the people who habituate these forums. And yes, you are right in feeling this guy was nothing short of a pathetic freak unable to control his sad little base urges, of course. But that being said, you do realize the worse you scalded him the harder he yanked the inflamed tissue later, right?

thishereboi -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:07:20 AM)
quote: So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? Well, I suppose if you are trying to attract the kind of guy you just described in your op, it is. Other wise, I would stick to your original plan of just having a vanilla meet and hope you don't hook up with another asshole. There are a lot of really good people out there. It just takes a lot of patience to weed them out if you are looking online. Oh and I totally understand why you threw the coffee at him, but I have to say you are really lucky he didn't press charges.

MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:15:37 AM)
i appricate your standpoint on the non- affirmative, however, this is not one of those cases. i said that i dont have any expirence just regular conversation instances with somebody of BDSM when no play would be taking place at some point or another. i'm not sure that doing things like pounding on my chest yelling," i am femdom HEAR ME ROAR" is appropriate but like i said, i dont have tons of expirence with neutral meetings with people from this site. and i know that we all have normal conversations with vanilla people everyday, but i would think it may be a tad bit different considering them being aware of your bdsm orientation and interested in you for that reason

blackpearl81 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:21:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum Backstory: Very recently, i met a member from this site for some coffee in an attempt for us to get to know each other better. We both had made it very clear through messages and phone conversation that this was a vanilla meeting, and no play and/or talking about play of would take place. Upon getting to the Starbucks- he was very polite and respectful. He gave me a firm handshake, paid for my coffee even though i planned on paying for it myself. While we were sitting down and talking about our vanilla lives, the conversation went smoothly.Then out of nowhere, while i was in mid-sentance, he said, "I'm sorry, this isnt working for me. You aren't a domme, you're too nice." Not the first time i've heard that [8\|]. I told him "i am a human first, so forgive me if i like to have nice, meaningful conversation." with it seeming like i had said nothing, he replied in a VERY snarky and LOUD manner, "You're not a domme! If you were, i'd be eating this fucking scone under the table like a dog! Am i? NO- YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE!" Mind you- this is in the middle of a crowded Starbucks in downtown Baltimore. I have no shame in what i am- but I'm not a fan of anybody causing a scene and having me involved. If that wasnt enough- he yelled for me to give me the money he spent on my coffee and that he dosn't give freebies out to desperate and pathetic women. i didnt even drink any of it- it was too hot. I got up, grabbed my bag- put the 5.38 in front of him, and i noticed he had a ragging erection. I assumed he was trying to get a rise out of me. Now what i did next was ill on my part, but since EVERYBODY was staring i saw no harm by giving them some additional entertainment. I took the lid off the coffee i had and dumped it all over his lap and left. No words or anything. So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? I haven't met too many people just for conversation, so i really don't know if there is something i'm just not getting. Whoa. Personally, I don't think it's neccesary to assert your dominance - especially during a first time, "vanilla" encounter. I mean, isn't the whole point of it being vanilla (at least, at first) to find common ground and build on that?

MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:22:46 AM)
good point of the pressing charges. unfortunately- there were too many witness that it would be easy to use the excuse "he provoked me"- which he did. not saying i was right for pouring coffee on him, i wasnt.

thishereboi -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:29:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum good point of the pressing charges. unfortunately- there were too many witness that it would be easy to use the excuse "he provoked me"- which he did. not saying i was right for pouring coffee on him, i wasnt. He provoked you? He said some rude shit, that does not give you the right to pour scalding coffee in his lap. The only thing the witnesses could do is tell the cops he didn't threaten to harm you physically and yet you assaulted him. Not sure how that would help your case any.

CarrieO -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:46:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? I haven't met too many people just for conversation, so i really don't know if there is something i'm just not getting. I've met a fair share of men from this site and something I've learned...no matter if they're dom, sub or switch...is that you may both agree on a "vanilla meeting" but if they see you as a domme they'll have a certain amount of expectations. That doesn't mean they expect play or overt dominance on your part ( your companion certainly had his fantasy in play) but they generally do expect to get a sense of authority. Expectations are funny like that....hard to control in others. That being said, I'd be careful about tossing hot coffee in anyone's direction. Somehow I get the feeling the man you met enjoyed your display...if he wanted you to have him eat a scone under the table like a dog, it would appear he enjoys humiliation.

DarkSteven -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:48:14 AM)
Except that you paid him back the money for the coffee, you did everything I would have. You're obviously not a tribute Domme. [:D] He was a wanker who only acted polite because the pretty Domme ordered him to, not for any other reason. It was an odd kink for him, but since you ordered it... He put up with it as long as he could, but the disparity between that and Internet porn hit him. PS. $5.38 for coffee is ridiculous.

blackpearl81 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:49:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CarrieO I've met a fair share of men from this site and something I've learned...no matter if they're dom, sub or switch...is that you may both agree on a "vanilla meeting" but if they see you as a domme they'll have a certain amount of expectations. That doesn't mean they expect play or overt dominance on your part ( your companion certainly had his fantasy in play) but they generally do expect to get a sense of authority. Expectations are funny like that....hard to control in others. That being said, I'd be careful about tossing hot coffee in anyone's direction. Somehow I get the feeling the man you met enjoyed your display...if he wanted you to have him eat a scone under the table like a dog, it would appear he enjoys humiliation. If that's the case, it seems like the OP played right into his hands. He got humiliated in public by incensing her to the point where she dealt with it - in the form of a a scalding cup of coffee. =o/

MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:50:45 AM)
it would be a big case of he said she said. however he was bit aggro with me- very i should say. that wouldnt help him.

PeonForHer -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 5:54:30 AM)
In the middle of a Starbuck's, he bellowed out "You're not a domme! If you were, i'd be eating this fucking scone under the table like a dog! Am i? NO- YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE!"? Incredible.

blackpearl81 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:03:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer In the middle of a Starbuck's, he bellowed out "You're not a domme! If you were, i'd be eating this fucking scone under the table like a dog! Am i? NO- YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE!"? Incredible. Welcome to the US mate. =o/

subangi -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:04:53 AM)
Just wondering with hindsight here....was there anything you remember when chatting online before the meet, that might have been a clue that he was a jerk? A couple years ago, after chatting with a Dom for awhile, we decided to have a vanilla meet, and as I was getting out of my car he approached me, and demanded a bj after initial introdruction. I didnt see that was coming at all.

CarrieO -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:15:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer In the middle of a Starbuck's, he bellowed out "You're not a domme! If you were, i'd be eating this fucking scone under the table like a dog! Am i? NO- YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE!"? Incredible. Welcome to the US mate. =o/ Not in my neck of the woods. [;)] What do you do when a child is throwing a temper tantrum? I ignore it and walk away. The more attention you give to bad behavior, the more likely you'll be to see it.

blackpearl81 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:21:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CarrieO Not in my neck of the woods. [;)] What do you do when a child is throwing a temper tantrum? I ignore it and walk away. The more attention you give to bad behavior, the more likely you'll be to see it. No argument here.

laurell3 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:27:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? I haven't met too many people just for conversation, so i really don't know if there is something i'm just not getting. This question implies that you think you have to be a stereotype at some time other than a first meeting. People that believe that personality and role are the same or have some expectation of humans to be their wank fantasy 24/7 are ridiculous, I'm incredibly suprised you couldn't have figured that out about this person prior to meeting with them. And yes, you did also act badly, get used to ill-mannered idiots, there are many of them. It's not an excuse to be one.

MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:27:54 AM)
nope, he was sweet as can be. and claimed he didnt like public humilation. go figure.

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