LanceHughes
Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
Thank you very much for making this thread. I wanted to answer its hetero counterpart, but felt my answers would be out of place and of little use to a female dominant.
When I read LadyAngelika's thread, I thought, "I'll bet there's some gay, male subs that would like to answer, but feel uncomfortable because her thread is hetro oriented." Then Wolf2Bear typed on her thread almost exactly that. LOL! Something about he wanted to answer but he wasn't looking for a Domme.
So, you're welcome. But I have to confess to some altruism motivating me..... okay, ALOT of altruism.
And now, we contiue with our regularly scheduled program......
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
1. What motivates you to be submissive?
I honestly have no idea what the fundamental motivation for all this is, simply that it's who I am. I've speculated on dozens of possible causes over the years, but find it's better to deal with myself as is that spend too much time ruminating as to why I am this way.
As I started to type with Wolf2Bear # 2: I've found that, since I teach classes in both the gay and straight communities, there is a large number of demographics represented. That is, BDSM and Leather cuts across race, politics, wealth, religion, sexual orientation, ... you name it. When we look at sexual orientation alone, we see the same 15% of gays into leather as we see the 15% of straights into BDSM. What does this all mean? Probably that BDSM/Leather desires and needs are genetic - just as much as being gay is genetic. NO thread-jacking allowed on that topic. Yes, yes, 'tis nature AND nuture, although, I'm thinking less and less nuture as I get older and the nuture parts are "falling away," leaving the nature parts more and more "exposed" - or "available" - or - .... Hey, Lance! The OP said "NO thread-jacking."
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
2. Why do you identify yourself that way?
I need a relationship along power-exchange lines in order to feel emotionally satisfied in something long term, and have difficulty forming romantic, emotional attachments to non-dominant men. ( I even tend to be drawn towards dominant men as friends. )
I try to keep away from specific definitions of what I am, as definitions of boy, slave, sub, etc. [c]an vary enormously man to man. Submissive is general enough to be accurate, though.
Yes, I agree "submissive" is general enough. I almost used "D-type" and "s-type" instead of "Top" and "bottom." The terms "Top" and "bottom." imply more in the gay world than they do in the het world, I've found. As a matter of fact, I rarely hear "top" or "bottom" in the BDSM world. As was said "England and America are two countries separated by a common language." I find "BDSMers and LeatherMen are two cultures separated by a common language." And you can quote me on that. LOL!
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
3. What are you searching for in a Top?
I'm looking for a man who's very controlling, emotionally available, and seeking a long-term monogamous relationship, who finds a mutually enjoyable companionship in a life with me.
Things like looks, age, and sexual preferences matter very little to me as long as there's mutual compatibility and chemistry.
How very, very curious. You write, "Things like looks ... matter very little to me," but yet in Answer # 8 - and in your added "clarification" - you have some trouble realizing that maybe, just maybe, there's D-types for which looks matter very little as well. Your age of 22 is telling. A friend of mine says "The best time to find a 19 year old is when one is 19."
You might try looking for an older D-type. If they are stupid enough to chose you on looks alone, make that a hard limit. There's a word for it - "lookism" - back-formed from racism, ageism and sexism. Lookism is an immature trait. You want someone who has grown out of that.
At age 35, I had a "boy" of 65. I never had "lookism" because I realized early on that we all age and I might be ahead of the game if I put such a stupid filter to the side, just as putting the filter of ageism to the side was a good thing.
I wonder where you are searching - NOT a rhetorical question.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?
Honesty, stability, fidelity, understanding, caring, with at least dash of common sense and and an intense desire to control another man.
A sense of integrity and ethics are very important to me. If he treats me well and those around him like dirt all my red flags go up. ( That being said, I don't equate sadism, when inflicted with consent, to be "bad behavior" in any way, even if it strays into strange or extreme territory. )
Yep. That honesty part seems to be the basis for all BDSM relations. You ain't got that, you got nuthin'
So far, Wolf2Bear and you have both listed that.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
Being in a scene geared towards short term hook-ups and open relationships when I'm the opposite of that in every sense.
I'm not on sites like Collarme and Recon to play or display, and I'm a bit of an oddity and sometimes given a hostile reception ( though to be fair, hostility is rare compared to the more friendly and benign baffled curiosity I'm more often met with ).
I can understand that you're looking for an LTR. I'd encourage you (at 22) to loosen up a little. Enjoy it while you got it. Your youth that is. I think the "baffled curiosity" might come from men who are wondering why any man could/would be willing to "miss out" on the (literally) chance of a life-time to play around. Remember - all men are pigs. When any man encounters a man that isn't being a pig, well, of course they'll be baffled. LOL!
I'm NOT suggesting you change your basic approach to life but rather have a little fun as you search. Who knows - you might just find a silk purse around the neck of one of those pigs if you look at them a little closer.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?
I think I have fewer problems than most. I look at it pragmatically: no response? They weren't interested. I may be sorry but there's no hard feelings.
Healthy. I used to say (to myself) "Their loss. Gives me more time to search." LOL!
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?
Looking a little further down the road of any potential relationship, there's a fear that I'll fall in love again and the feeling won't be returned, or that we'll have a successful relationship for a brief while and then he'll fall out of love with me.
That being said, I was just going to meet a guy for coffee a while ago and was rather seriously assaulted. I could do with never having that happen again.
Difficult to know where to start. Are you okay? "Coffee " is suppossed to be safe for that reason - public place = no assault. What happened? Did you get the police involved? Witnesses? Restraining order? My C-Mail box is open!
My response to the first part of your answer: I think that's a risk we all take in any LTR. You seem to be a little more aware of that particular risk than most. I hope being aware of that risk doesn't prevent you from going ahead with what appears to be the "right one" at any given moment. Of course, I think you can distinguish between "Mr. Right" and "Mr. Right NOW." I've had three good LTRs (to date) and a couple not so long (or so good.) 13 years, 7 years and almost 3 years. So, when you say that you're looking for an LTR, I have to say that LTRs come in all sorts of flavors and lengths.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
The only attribute that matters to most of the men I've encountered is easily discerned, in terms of pluses and minuses, by looking in the mirror. It's no different than in the rest of the gay community in that respect, I've found. All personality attributes are secondary: look like an underwear model, and your hobby could be chewing the skin off disabled orphans and you'd still be plenty popular and well thought of.
With that in mind, I'm acutely aware that how well a dominant man likes me will have everything to do with whether he finds me cute or not and relatively little to do with anything else. I used to feel frustrated by this and resent it, but now I've come to accept and just think "Okay, but... do I like him?"
That being said, I know many tops complain of topping from the bottom and do-me subs. I am the opposite of that, and you'd think that a submissive who was completely open to a master's desires sexually, BDSM, and otherwise ( everything or nothing, and all the shades of gray between ), would be an attribute. Only a very small percentage find it to be so, and most are confused by it, as they see satisfying a submissive's specific sexual and fetish needs to be what they contribute to the relationship, and without that, are on uneasy ground. In this way I tend to get along well with doms who are either completely selfish or have a good sense of the abstract.
Saving my work. Please wait for editing to be finished.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
I must add a clarification as to where my frustrations on this topic mostly stem from:
1. The many guys I've spoken to who say I'm exactly what they're looking for on every level except that I'm not cute enough.
2. The guys I'm completely incompatible with who think we'd be a good match because they find me cute.
Of course, people are totally free to think and act this way, and if that's their priority, that's fine. It's just something that frustrates me, though less than it used to.
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So why are the first two posters from Canada? Is there something I should know about that clean, crisp, fresh air? Oh, wait.... maybe that IS why. LOL!
Saving my work. Please wait for editing to be finished.
< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 5/25/2010 11:08:45 PM >
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"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong
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