RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 12:10:11 PM

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Two people entering any kind of power exchange dynamic have to realize, first and foremost, it's a relationship. There are not "shorcuts" to relationship bliss by slapping a Mistress/slave label on it. I think people who lack relationship skills (communication, empathy, fairness, patience, compromise) stumble frequently because they expect that all of this is erased in a bdsm relationship. On top of that, you get people who have no real relationship skills because they have no practical experience, and they do everything too fast and expect that by saying, "I'm a Mistress, you are a slave," that everyone will behave in the manner that is expected and all will be happy bliss.

BDSM is not a relationship band-aid, short cut or 'quick fix.' Dysfunctional people, dysfunctional communication skills and unrealistic expectations still will lead to broken, frustrated relationships with resentments all around.

The worst thing is the impatience and the expectation that once you say "Ok, I am the dominant partner and you are the submissive partner," that everyone will adopt their assumed role. For subs, they think this will immediately give them the sense of belonging, of nurturing, of being needed that comes from (in vanilla relationships) weeks or months of intimacy bonding.

For dominants, they think that they immediately will get respect, devotion and attention that comes from weeks or months of intimacy and bonding.

For some time, "faking it," may work. It doesn't last. People seek love and devotion that is required in a relationship, and that cannot be "fast tracked" by slapping a BDSM label on it. Add in people who have no real relationship experience and it's a recipe for disaster. BDSM relationships take as much work, if not more, than vanilla ones.

All my own opinion of course, YMMV.

Akasha

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 12:11:58 PM

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Exactly, Jeff. And I suspect that neither of you is keeping score.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 12:27:27 PM

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LH, that is what my first thought was. Keeping score. Starting out keeping score or looking for a score board is a red flag to me. It says someone has been hurt and are not healed yet.

With communication I expect to find out what we each want, expect or need in a relationship. If he is keeping score he won't believe much of what I say or do because he will always be looking for that area in which I will cheat him.

I don't want a score keeper.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 2:15:12 PM

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quote:

If he is keeping score he won't believe much of what I say or do because he will always be looking for that area in which I will cheat him.

I believe we all keep score, balance the high points in what we do or say with those less acceptable and at some point in time evaluate ourselves using that scorecard. I know I do, and am embarrassed when I see how blundering opinioned and insensitive I can be at times and at other times, I simply say dam I like this guy at just laugh at myself.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 4:14:33 PM

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I think the world would be a wonderful place if nobody kept score. The Israilis and Pakistanis would stop fighting, there would be no terrorism, no guy killing his girlfriend and the guy she's cheating on him with. Is this likely to happen? Probably not.

I've been working the last few months on the forgive and forget ideal. Forgiving is the easy part, its forgetting thats hard to do.

Now, Lockit, for some reason, you've decided that you dont like me. I honestly have no idea what I did to hurt you. The last time I spoke to you, we were fine with each other. Im not sure what I did?

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 4:28:36 PM

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I didn't think Lockit was being mean to you! Actually, she got to exactly what I was driving at with D/s not being a quid pro quo situation. There's times when the sub does not get his or her way, or has to do things that are less than fun. Part of the job, right?

It's when the sub--or the dom, because this can certainly work in both directions--starts up with the list of What I Do and why the other party just isn't appreciative enough that the trouble comes out. Sometimes is takes a bit for the monster to show, sometimes folks just DO start taking each other for granted.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 4:37:44 PM

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true, most relationships should not be quid pro quo, and yes, as a sub I sometimes do things I dont exactly like. However, if, over a period of time, say a few weeks or months, I keep feeling like Im not getting my needs met, I walk.

Now, Lockit has not been nasty on this thread, but there are several others where she has been. I just used this oppertunity to ask her about it.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 4:40:52 PM

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Honestly, Geoff, ask her that kind of thing offline...

I agree, if you KEEP feeling like things are not working, walking is a good idea. I said somewhere else that if I get bored I move on.. same story. Sometimes you find that you and the other person are just NOT a match, and that's no one'e fault. It's the walking away gracefully part that I will be working on forever, I think!

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 4:42:21 PM

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I think it's possible you take things too seriously.

I don't see relationships as give and take or scorekeeping as much as having common goals and needs....once you get past that initial communication phase it should be about US, not me or him/her imo. Who sets the direction and pace is rather defined in most d/s settings, but still, it is US. (if that makes sense)

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:05:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
It's the walking away gracefully part that I will be working on forever, I think!

I've heard walking gracefully in general is not your strong suite

Also, I did try to ask her privatly, she deleted my message unread.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:06:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I think it's possible you take things too seriously.

I don't see relationships as give and take or scorekeeping as much as having common goals and needs....once you get past that initial communication phase it should be about US, not me or him/her imo. Who sets the direction and pace is rather defined in most d/s settings, but still, it is US. (if that makes sense)

Actually, that is exactly what I'm saying. It shouldent just be about one person or the other. It should be about both of us.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:18:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
It's the walking away gracefully part that I will be working on forever, I think!

I've heard walking gracefully in general is not your strong suite

Also, I did try to ask her privatly, she deleted my message unread.

Dude, you are SO confusing me with Holly!! I NEVER break random bones falling over stuff!

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:19:03 PM

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no, you just fall over is what MoGa said

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:21:46 PM

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Wha????

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:22:35 PM

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yup, you iz a kluts lolz

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:25:41 PM

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Hmph. Now I am confused, too. When did I fall over?

:::sigh:::

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:33:04 PM

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oh no, she cant remember. well, yanno, when ya get old, the braincells are the first to go

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:38:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I think it's possible you take things too seriously.

I don't see relationships as give and take or scorekeeping as much as having common goals and needs....once you get past that initial communication phase it should be about US, not me or him/her imo. Who sets the direction and pace is rather defined in most d/s settings, but still, it is US. (if that makes sense)

Actually, that is exactly what I'm saying. It shouldent just be about one person or the other. It should be about both of us.

Yes but that also means that you should see her goals for you as YOUR goals. See the circle, the whole here?

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:40:26 PM

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I keep score. You fuckers are losing. (imho) YMMV

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 5:47:51 PM

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I like to think of myself as the closer.

I am the Mariano Rivera of BDSM!

Jefff hof

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