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Married Men? - 9/18/2004 5:08:42 PM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		I promised myself I would never... but... Just give me your thoughts so I have few more than those in my own head, please. I'm not asking for my mind to be changed I just want to feel that I really know what I'm getting into before I step into it.

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RE: Married Men? - 9/18/2004 5:56:11 PM   
twistedthorns


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		Well this is my first post on the boards, i've been lurking around them for a bit, but due to my newness to the lifestyle i've kept quiet...but this is something i can speak of from experience.

i can say this...i understand WHY both men and women seeks lifestyle relationships outside of their vanilla marriages. i cannot honestly say i agree with it though. i was 'involved' for quite sometime with a married dom, and while i learned a lot from him, in the end i was left with a rather broken heart when i decided i needed more than he could offer in the end. There is simply so many of the everyday vanilla things that everyone enjoys that you don't get to do when involved with someone that is married. To me there is also a trust factor at stake here. He/She IS cheating on their spouse, unless of course the spouse knows about this all though very few do from what i have seen, and they are lying in order to find time to be with you...i guess that makes me wonder just exactly what else they would be willing to lie about.

There are the lonely nights wishing that one was there and it eating at you that they are not, but by CHOICE (regardless of what reasons bring about that choice) with another person rather than with you. Are you ready for the guilty feelings that will most likely come about at some point or another....feeling guilty that you are with another persons loved one? To have the one you care for and serve so close yet so far away? To have to sneak around to see eachother, hoping the spouse doesn't find out?

If it works for you then great, if not then you know. It wasn't for me, i couldn't deal with the guilt.

i could ramble on more about things i felt were wrong in the relationship i refer to, but i will be quiet now.

twistedthorns

(in reply to Laura)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Married Men? - 9/18/2004 7:24:25 PM   
GoddessJules


Posts: 549
Status: offline 		Laura,

I can only tell you my personal experience with married boys. . .and in general, they have all been good. The relationships were strictly defined, they were my minons/squires/errand boys. I'm sure none of their wives knew about their extra curricular activities, but *I* know that it wasn't anything sexual. . .at least from my end. Most gave up their lunch times and a few hours in the week to run errands, do chores, and a few other things that I needed. They have been, for the most part, very reliable servants. I believe that they *do* know that most Dominas wouldn't give them the time of day, so within the scope of their limited service, they have served well.

I could always use another minion so I don't object to this type of arrangement. Just *my* experience here.

~Jules~

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RE: Married Men? - 9/18/2004 8:31:52 PM   
theroebabe


Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Twistedthorns and welcome to the forums! I see you have jumped on in, please continue to participate.

In my opinion as far as married men go its a crap shoot. If you can live with the fact that you will most likely be alone on important dates like holidays, parties, gatherings, your birthday and can live without those things then it might be for you. If you can submit on a partime basis and not let your emotions get involved then it may work.

But if you cant and you do get emotionally attached then it will end in heartache. if you can serve and be devoted in submission to a married dom and still feel ok with it when he leaves then again you may be ok. When i was younger i didnt want a commitment, and i loved married men cause it i got what i needed and then they left.

Now i dont want married men at all. i want a man to share my life with i need a dominant sadist and its that simple. But i never say never, old habits are hard to break. and if i were to meet the right person who was married you just never know.

Good luck with this thought process!

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People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

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RE: Married Men? - 9/18/2004 9:05:43 PM   
twistedthorns


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		i know exactly what you mean about how they fullfilled a need at the time. my experience with the married man i was involved with was l/d, and i even considered moving out there, but i knew to have him all that much closer but yet so far away...ugh..wouldn't have worked...but it worked for the time being as i was just ending my own marriage and was, but yet wasn't, looking for something serious. it was serious, as much as it can be l/d, but i came to realize several months ago that it wasn't what i needed NOR wanted in a D/s relationship. i miss too much having someone to go out with a movie or diner, or spend the night curled up with watching a movie...all the simple vanilla things in life combined with the lifestyle of a D/s relationship...to me you can't really totaly seperate the two.

The reason this stings so much to me, is that it wasn't 'made clear' to me that he never had intentions of ending his marriage untill i had become quite attached to him emotionaly. THAT really really hurt. That being said i do have a very good dom friend that is married and looking, and has shown interest in me, maybe i'm still too hurt from my previous experience, but at this point in my life i dont see it as what i need or want. And i don't want or need married men trapsing inand out of my life. i'm not only in search of a good master but also someone i can trust with my daughter....who can be a good active role model in her life. Something a man that isn't there all the time can't really do.

Sorry if i sound like i'm bashing on the choices married people and those they are involved with...its quite the contrary. It worked for me for a bit, i just came to realize it wasn't what i needed and ended up getting burned. But that hasn't stopped me from continuing my search for the right person in my life.

twistedthorns

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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Married Men? - 9/18/2004 9:53:29 PM   
compes


Posts: 92
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Speaking as a married man, I would advise DON'T. Not without the wife's knowing consent, or if the gentleman in question can produce separation paperwork or the court date for his divorce. (and if he does either then it would be better that you are patient until the final papers clear the court.)

theroebabe is right. It's a crapshoot. But you are playing with your emotional wellbeing and your future here. That's a lot at stake to gamble with.

The end of a marriage is frequently a messy thing. At the very least, his attention will be split.

The worst case is if he has only a vague intention of ending his marriage, but has not set events in motion to do so. It won't happen then, or it will drag on for years before he finally decides to do so.

Compes
(This advice is worth exactly what you have paid for it.)

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RE: Married Men? - 9/18/2004 11:51:24 PM   
LadyShoshin


Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

I promised myself I would never... but... Just give me your thoughts so I have few more than those in my own head, please. I'm not asking for my mind to be changed I just want to feel that I really know what I'm getting into before I step into it.

My 2 cents - I let married men know that I won't get involved in a relationship with them unless I can sit down with both them and their wife and discuss how I am going to impact their relationship, what her concerns are, whether she would like to be present during scening. The lifestyle is based on consensuality, I believe it begins at home. If there is going to be an intimate relationship, the wife will find out sooner or later. I used to tell fellows I bring an undivided heart & expected the same of them.

However, after a failed 24/7, I am not interested in a close loving relationship, so I have a stable of 3 unmarried men.

As a Pro-Domme, we see mostly married men, it is a business relationship, there is no sex nor are we going to fall in love with our client.

As a sub, I refused to be a shadow sub, someone who couldn't walk proudly at the man's side anywhere. I also believe that if he is cheating and lying to the woman he promised to love & honor til death parts them, what assurance do you have that when the novelty wears off he won't do the same to you.

When the wife finds out do you really want the stress of being the partial cause of a break up of a family? Or to have him decide that divorce is too costly so he abandons you to be the dutiful head of a financially stable home again?

Letting your heart lead you into a relationship with a married man is a lose/lose situation.

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PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

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RE: Married Men? - 9/19/2004 5:34:16 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		These are all some good points. I just wanted to add that if you are the girl to help him go through his divorce, he will dump you when it is all over because you are a reminder of a painful time. I have seen this happen (had it happen to also) many times. Again, it all has to do with emotions.

Take care of your heart,
ann

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~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

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RE: Married Men? - 9/19/2004 12:50:50 PM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		I didn't realize most would assume there was a divorce or separation or that this was going to be a long term relationship. This (may) be a casual thing. No attachment on my part and nothing ventured on his part. For him this is not new, it is for me. Domming and subbing are not involved either, at least not much. This is a no committment deal. I know he's married and isn't leaving his wife. He knows I'm not looking for a married guy to carry on an affair with. I guess it's what the younger generation calls a fuck buddy.

My real dilemma is about myself and my feelings about doing this. I've never taken sex casually, only had sex with one man in my life. I made love with another man but there was no intercourse. Anyway, I met him today and we talked for 3 hours. Nothing lusty or romantic. I think he just wanted someone to listen to him talk. At least I got a good coffee out of it. Likely I will continue to explore and see where this goes, it has become sort of a science experiment now.

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RE: Married Men? - 9/19/2004 4:56:44 PM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		Quoted -I let married men know that I won't get involved in a relationship with them unless I can sit down with both them and their wife and discuss how I am going to impact their relationship, what her concerns are, whether she would like to be present during scening. The lifestyle is based on consensuality

Smart Smart Smart, M'Lady : )

< Message edited by Synocense -- 9/19/2004 4:58:43 PM >

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RE: Married Men? - 9/19/2004 7:27:30 PM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		awwww Laura i wish you the best but please be careful. I have mixed feelings about married men and really don't even know how to explain how i feel about it. My Mentor was a married Man and i went into the relationship knowing there would never be any more then just Him helping me learn and feel physically and psychologically things i have only read about. I did keep Him in the place He needed to stay in my heart but i could see how just as easily it could of went the other way and i would have been really hurt.

Just want you to be careful, even so there is no "attachment" now sometimes it is hard to control our feelings especially when sex is involved. i don't know how you are but for me it is... hate to see you get hurt...

Hugs and best of luck in your conclusion!
~jenn~

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Married Men? - 9/19/2004 7:59:17 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Though you both go into this knowing that this is "a no committment deal", things have a way of getting complicated if feelings develop. So it might help your experiment be successful if you also know that he isn't someone that you either like or respect enough so that feelengs could develop. That'll help you just be satisfied by using him for his body.

(in reply to Laura)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Married Men? - 9/19/2004 8:19:13 PM   
MistressKiss


Posts: 295
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I understand that there are some people who can handle an involvement with a married man - I have done it once myself, and while it was going on, it was fine. But the closer we became, the harder it got. I couldn't call when I wanted to and there were times we couldn't see each other. It became very difficult for both of us even though I know that he was extremely unhappy with his wife. We had been friends for a year and a half before we ever kissed, so I knew this guy very well before the attachment became emotional and intimate. However, today, we don't even talk. It's like a step backwards, because it will just start the pain over again.

It's not just a matter of being married, either. It's a matter of whether or not the person you are about to get involved with is "emotionally available". There are some people that are not married, but they have situations that preclude them from being available emotionally - and this can be hell for a dedicated submissive. It's hard to have feelings to express and they can't be expressed for whatever reason...maybe it is a job...children...distance...there are all sorts of things that can block an otherwise great relationship - you just have to make a choice that either he/she is worth the issues, or look elsewhere. Or, you can always stay "single" - but that can be lonely, too.

It is a good practice to be sure that you and your partner are on the same page as to where you want to go with the relationship. You should both be looking for a similar situation with a similar future. This takes lots of talk and communication - and I recommend that you don't meet (making the situation harder to hold at bay) until these issues are discussed thoroughly. I am not suggesting that it be completely worked out, but touching on the issues prior to meeting face to face will do nothing but help when things get more serious.

Best wishes to you.

_____________________________

"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)

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RE: Married Men? - 9/19/2004 8:22:22 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Though you both go into this knowing that this is "a no committment deal", things have a way of getting complicated if feelings develop.


Ain't that the truth. I learned the hard way. Most of you know by now that i am married and went outside my marriage with my first r/l dom, who was divorced. I loved what we did together and learned a lot from him, but he fell in love with me, which wasn't supposed to happen. When i had to leave the relationship it was very hard for him. He moved out of the country but still stalked me online and with phone calls. It took a miserable 6 months for him to finally let go. He would become extremely jealous if i even chatted with another guy. He would come into my chat rooms under new names to spy on me. The worst thing he did was tell me that he came down with herpes, which was a lie, but he did it so that i wouldn't ever be with anyone else. The irony of that was that he unknowingly did give me HPV, but that's another thread.

Bottom line--i don't recommend getting involved with a married man, (or a married woman) too many things can go wrong. no matter how careful you are.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: Married Men? - 9/20/2004 4:29:52 AM   
lovingmaster45


Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline 		I am a married Master. My wife and I jointly founded WHIP (Wilmington Hedonists with Interesting Perversions). I train/mentor subs and dominants. I have one sub and several sluts. My wife is also dom to everyone but me; she owns a slutpuppy.
The key to getting involved with anyone who is in another relationship, married or not is for everyone to KNOW where they "fit". I once had one of my trainees pursued by a married man who said he was a "master". I had her set up a meeting wih him so I could evaluate his potential as a play partner for her. He was a total wus; and I found out with subsequent encounters with others like him that that was the general nature of these CHEATERS. How can they be a "master" to my trainee if they don't even have control of their marriage/partner?
This is a lot different from the married person (male or female/ sub or dom) who arrives with their spouse so that eveyone is on the same page and everyone can establish his/her boundaries. I have been involved with a married sub now for 5 years whose husband respects my position by refraining from having anal sex with his wife; her ass belongs to only me. My poositon is one for HONESTY. I do not believe anything more than hurt and disappointment can come out of a relationship built on lies and half truths. Master Jerry

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RE: Married Men? - 9/20/2004 10:15:33 PM   
CuckoIdsIave


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline 		im am married but im my case im seperated, and not by my fault or desire. my wife letf me 2 days after getting her green card, and i havent herd from her in a bit over a year. but because i love her so much, and desired to keep the marriage together i waited, and have been faithful. yet for me, i think it is wrong for a man/women to go behind the back of their spouse without them knowing it. when you get married you take vows for life, and they should be respected and kept reguardless of the situation.

"For Better or for worse", "In sickness and in health"..

There is no excuse for breaking the vows you take to the one you promised your love and devotion. In the sene of a Domme forcing a male to become her cuckold this is different, as its not a vanilla life, and she isnt doing anything he isnt aware of.

As for me, i will not touch another women while im married to my wife wither im with her, or not. i am spoken for, and until im married, there will be no sexual or intament relations at all for any reason. i am a one women man, i dont desire 2 or more, and i dont want 2 or more, unless i am owned by a lesbian couple who will not desire or require a sexual relationship of any type.

You must also think about the troble that may follow if You get involved with someone that is married. i know of one Mistress that has been with a married man for over 10 years and has kids by him, yet he promised to divorce and never has. he now uses the kids to control her, by saying he will take them from her if she dont do his bidding. Not to say this will happen to you, but keep in mind that for every wrong there is a price, and wither you pay for in now or 10 years from now it will catch up to you.

Be wise and wait for someone that is single or who will divorce for you once called to real time. there are to many fish in the sea to limit yourself to so few, and to bring trouble with them.

either way good luck..

(in reply to lovingmaster45)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Married Men? - 9/20/2004 10:26:33 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

As for me, i will not touch another women while im married to my wife wither im with her, or not. i am spoken for, and until im married, there will be no sexual or intament relations at all for any reason.


I'm a little confused. Your profile says you are seeking a domme, and on another thread you said you have paid tribute to some dommes. That seems to contradict what you say here unless i am misunderstanding you.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to CuckoIdsIave)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Married Men? - 9/20/2004 10:36:33 PM   
CuckoIdsIave


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

quote:

As for me, i will not touch another women while im married to my wife wither im with her, or not. i am spoken for, and until im married, there will be no sexual or intament relations at all for any reason.


I'm a little confused. Your profile says you are seeking a domme, and on another thread you said you have paid tribute to some dommes. That seems to contradict what you say here unless i am misunderstanding you.


how is that? i have not been with anyone, that was only online... [pfffffffsssssssssssst. flame extinguished -Mod6]

I would strongly suggest to you that if you feel like flaming or belittling another poster, that you wait to post until that feeling has subsided. Thank you for your cooperation. Enjoy the boards. -Mod6

< Message edited by ModeratorSix -- 9/21/2004 6:24:15 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Married Men? - 9/20/2004 10:50:30 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

yes but of course there are people on all sites who desire to stir shit, buzzz go away fly..


I wasn't trying to start anything, was just trying to understand your post. Sorry i didn't see anything that indicates you are only seeking an online relationship.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to CuckoIdsIave)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Married Men? - 9/21/2004 8:11:50 PM   
Thanatosian


Posts: 765
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
Status: offline 		I guess 'it was/is only online' has replaced "drunk and on the road dont count'

sounds to me like quibbling between 'the letter of the law' and 'the intent of the law'
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuckoIdsIave
when you get married you take vows for life, and they should be respected and kept reguardless of the situation.

"For Better or for worse", "In sickness and in health"..

There is no excuse for breaking the vows you take to the one you promised your love and devotion.
quote:

As for me, i will not touch another women while im married to my wife wither im with her, or not. i am spoken for, and until im married, there will be no sexual or intament relations at all for any reason. i am a one women man,
(emphasis added by Thanatosian)
You may not have physically touched another woman, but in paying tribute (as mentioned in another thread) you , in my opinion, have most certainly strayed from you "one woman man" statement - which contradiction proudsub was merely asking for clarification of

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