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collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:02:33 PM

DominaAmy925

Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
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Heres my issue:

I have a collared sub and he now has a girl friend. I have never had this happen (lucky me right), I understand his time is a bit limited now. BUT I still want my time and it seems to becoming less and less. Yes she is in the life style as well but I have not meet her yet.There always seems to be a reason why.I have put my foot down , but it seemed to make it worse than better.
I just wanted some advice from those who has had this issue befor and what did you do about it.

Thanks,
Ms.Amy

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Post #: 1

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:04:35 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Could you clarify for Me, please?

When you say he "now has a girlfriend", I'm wondering if you had a poly agreement from the start?

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Post #: 2

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:05:17 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Yes, I need some clarification too. Did you have some kind of part time arrangement?

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Post #: 3

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:06:46 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
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If you've put your foot down about meeting her, and it still hasn't happened - then she doesn't know about you and it could get ugly. Drop him like a hot stone and find someone who won't lie to you (because honestly ... you know if he's lying to her, you can't trust him to be honest with you).

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Post #: 4

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:10:23 PM

DominaAmy925

Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
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We do not have a poly agreement.
he is a switch , she is a sub. We talked about him having a sub of his own. I had no problem with that, with the agreement that this dosen't take away from me(my needs) and our times together. But with him getting more into his dominate side, when i put my foot down he fieghts it.

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Post #: 5

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:12:10 PM

DominaAmy925

Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

She knows about me. We are friends on another site, so thts not it. But when I told him that if he cant set it up for her and I to meet he got very nervouse. He wants to be there. I find that a bit funny.

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Post #: 6

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:12:19 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Well it sounds like your relationship is changing, and it's time to talk about what's happening. You mention that the new woman is a "girlfriend" not a "sub".

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Post #: 7

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:13:37 PM

DominaAmy925

Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

She is a sub and girlfirend

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Post #: 8

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:15:40 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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Well that means he has other places to put his time and energy---he has a new relationship. Should he ignore that in favour of you? What did you set up in the beginning?

Really, if you had some kind of open relationship in the beginning, you need to discuss with HIM what your next steps are going to be.

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Post #: 9

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:16:42 PM

81song

Posts: 293
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline

Good question because I now have a girlfriend and she knows my kink . I have been very upfront about that and at the end of the day she does not get it but as I have told her many times, if I am never with another Domme again I am still the way I am, this is me. So she knows but does not understand why. I think some small way she wants to try to cure me.
In this case if this sub you have is not being upfront with his girlfriend, then I would not be involved with him.

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Post #: 10

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:17:30 PM

DominaAmy925

Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

We did talk about this issue monday, it just seemed to make it worse.

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Post #: 11

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:18:54 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Whether you're calling it poly or not, if you own a switch who you've given your permission to have a sub of his own, that's poly. It might be "V" type poly, but it's still poly because he has two relationships.

If you are encouraging him to have a sub of his own, while thinking it's not going to take time away from you, I think you're probably misleading yourself. I want you to think about the time that he puts into serving you. Next, I want you to realize that, to establish a D/s dynamic, she's going to be putting some kind of time into serving him. If they are going to build something together, TIME is involved.
There is no escaping that.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 12

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:20:40 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
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So ... you know the girlfriend, and talk on another site ... but yet the meeting hasn't happened because he wants to be there even though you've told him that he can't set it up ...

Am I missing something? Set up the damn meeting with her - since you are friends with her anyway - and go without him. If he's having trouble with that, then it's apparent to me that the two of you are not compatable with D/s and you both need to move on.

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Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

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Post #: 13

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:20:46 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

And I would imagine he would want to be there when you meet to throw cold water on the catfight.

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Post #: 14

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 1:31:29 PM

DominaAmy925

Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

I think all of you are right. I do understand that time is needed to build a relationship between them too. But to just put me off is not right. I think he is really starting to like the dominate side of him more than the sub side. He is some what new to this life style.
As for setting up a meeting with her, yes i have sent a message to set something up but have not gotten an answer yet. Im sure he is keeping her from meeting me with out her.
As i see it this poly,d/s relationship between me and him is not going to work out.There is to much drama already and its only been a little over a month. I think its time to let him go and explore his dominate side.

Thanks for all your feed back. Next time I will give more details on my question.

Ms.Amy

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Post #: 15

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 2:18:41 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaAmy925

I think he is really starting to like the dominate side of him more than the sub side.

I think you're missing another possibility; maybe he likes her more than he likes you. Or maybe he is getting more from that relationship than he is getting from yours.

You've said that he is your "sub", but you never called him your "boyfriend". So while there may be a D/s relationship between you, the two of you may or may not share a romantic relationship. Contrarily, he has a female sub who is also his "girlfriend". So not only does he get to practice his D/s, but he also gets to build what might be a lasting relationship with a true "girlfriend". Oh yeah, and he gets to have sex with her anytime he wants to. Don't you see how that might trump what you are offering?

To be clear, I have been in a similar situation (I had a vanilla girlfriend. She wasn't a sub), and I made it clear to both parties that my Domme took priority. But that was because submission was a higher priority for me than a vanilla relationship. But I can understand how the priorities could be different for someone else.

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Post #: 16

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/23/2010 4:26:14 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

I think you're missing another possibility; maybe he likes her more than he likes you. Or maybe he is getting more from that relationship than he is getting from yours.

You've said that he is your "sub", but you never called him your "boyfriend". So while there may be a D/s relationship between you, the two of you may or may not share a romantic relationship. Contrarily, he has a female sub who is also his "girlfriend". So not only does he get to practice his D/s, but he also gets to build what might be a lasting relationship with a true "girlfriend". Oh yeah, and he gets to have sex with her anytime he wants to. Don't you see how that might trump what you are offering?

To be clear, I have been in a similar situation (I had a vanilla girlfriend. She wasn't a sub), and I made it clear to both parties that my Domme took priority. But that was because submission was a higher priority for me than a vanilla relationship. But I can understand how the priorities could be different for someone else.

Nail on head.

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Post #: 17

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/24/2010 7:09:00 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I was a slave in my last relationship, and my Master allowed me to have a femsub playpartner. She and I do react to each other on a D/s level, and she will do service-oriented things, as well as S/M, bondage, and just doing fun vanilla things. She isn't my girlfriend, and we're not having sex. He and I split up for completely different reasons, and didn't have any drama over her. We referred to it as "monogamous with room for play" rather than poly. Something like that might be an option for you if you consider dating another switch in the future. If she is his girlfriend, and you aren't able to offer that commitment, it's not surprising that he made time with her the priority.

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Post #: 18

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/24/2010 7:48:25 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaAmy925

We did talk about this issue monday, it just seemed to make it worse.

Amy, what exactly is it that makes you a Domme?

You have an existing relationship, and he takes on another while subbing to you. It sounds like you had no input.

Then you discuss it with him after the fact. This should have been a meeting in which you describe to him that he broke a rule by making a major change in your relationship without your input. It sounds like something in which nithing was resolved.

I don't know if he isn't submissive enough, you aren't Dominant enough, or what - but he is clearly not submitting to your authority and you are not exerting it, and it's making you miserable.

I'd make a last stab to save the relationship but I don't see it working.

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Post #: 19

RE: collared sub finds a girlfriend - 6/24/2010 8:08:06 AM

KITTYLECTRO

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Post #: 20

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