RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional?

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RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 3:38:54 PM

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

Nope. Not worth it.
You'll spend days/weeks/months educated/re-educating then before you can really get something out of the relationship [like great sex], he'll do something to cross your particular line and top from the bottom. he got your time, you got your time wasted.
Le sigh!
But you probably knew that already.
'Bottom Five Signs':
A good man will learn from his mistakes, a fake sub will repeat his.
A good man will try his best at everything, a fake sub will try to get away with as little as possible.
A good man thinks of what he can do for you, a fake sub thinks of what you can do for him.
This is a good porn-contamination screening question: A good man thinks of what he can wear for you, a fake sub thinks of what you wear for him.
And last and least,
A good man makes no excuses, a fake sub knows every one.

Therrrrrre ya go:
Next!

< Message edited by Tantriqu -- 6/25/2010 3:39:36 PM >

(in reply to MistressXbox)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 3:38:58 PM

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

One of the characteristics of my disorder calls for delusions unfortunately. I doubt more than half of what I perceive.

Yes I have issues and Yes you are not some sort Domechana (robot domme).

All I really want is patience and touch.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 3:55:31 PM

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

I have 'met' very few men like that. Why? Because I've spent time getting to know them through text (email and Yahoo) and I didn't want to meet them. They think it's all about hours of servicing me orally and possibly me jumping their bone once I've had an orgasm. All they cared about is what I wear when playing (boots, stilettos, stockings, corset, etc). When I tell them I wear ordinary clothing I am quizzed about why I don't wear leather or lingerie. The next question is always, "do you ever play naked"?

Wouldn't surprise me if most of the Ladies have been through this many times.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 3:57:29 PM

Posts: 231
Joined: 6/25/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
You all have met this guy at least once. He has unrealistic ideals about Femdom based on porn. Or he lacks any decent real life dating/social skills and is uncomfortably awkward. Or he pretty much agrees with you on everything to the point that he's basically lying, because he's desperately trying to make a good impression. Or he clearly is pursuing you desperately and passionately, but you know (based on what you KNOW he knows about YOU), he's really pursuing a fantasy and needs to just dial it back a notch, settle down and relax -- you feel like you are in High School all over again. Or, all of these things plus more, in a man who is in his 40s and you wish were more emotionally sophisticated.

All that, or some of that, but underneath, he's basically "a decent guy." Maybe some chemistry. Things "could" work. But it's an uphill battle, and with Mr. Agreeable, you just don't know if he's saying he will change when really his enthusiasm is all pointed at the fantasy, and as soon as it loses the appeal, he'll probably just...well, vanish.

Is it worth it?

Yes, I can relate to your story, per experience. The men you describe aren't operating in the real world...instead they're caught up in their very own playwright—you are just the lead actress in a production they create as both writer and director.

No collaboration is involved; perform according to their script and all is right with the world. Steal their spotlight, impose your will upon them, or remind them what words like "slave" or "Mistress" really mean and suddenly they vanish.

The play writing is limited to entertainment only, so there is little to nothing to rehabilitate. They want to compose the story and direct the performance precisely how they want it to go, and I for one will never tolerate that, so I learned not to waste too much time on lost causes. Part of what makes a Female dominated relationship really work is when a man can free himself even partially from the fantasy script that lead him there in the first place, and instead grow in reality-based submission. If he has no taste for the reality of serving a Woman, he just won't be around that long with me.

_____________________________

Saharah

S a h a r a h E v e . c o m

nanshakh.com

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 4:07:50 PM

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressXbox

Years ago, I had a friend who was fond of BDSM porn, as well as fictional writings that weren't porn but DID have some strong fetishy connotations. He had told me that he'd always fantasized about being a "slave" and all of the duties therein -- you know, servicing a woman sexually. (LOL!) One day during a conversation, I mentioned that some people have relationships based on D/s both inside and outside of the bedroom/dungeon, and it threw him for a loop. He didn't think that "real" people did those sorts of things, but mainly that it involved porn-like play scenes! We ended up having a D/s relationship that lasted over 5 years; we're still really good friends, and he's definitely one of the most wonderful people I know.

Hell, that struck a chord! That would have been me not long ago. (Well, I'll leave the 'wonderful' bit for others to decided. Modesty forbids.) In such a scenario the femdom becomes like an educator - but perhaps, even something like a guru with her apprentice. I mean, I don't think it's pushing it to suggest that he is, after all, about to go on a spiritual journey, of a kind. Quite exciting, really. But . . . I expect the femdom concerned needs to know she's got the right raw material to start with.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to MistressXbox)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 4:09:28 PM

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/26/2010
Status: offline

quote:

If he has no taste for the reality of serving a Woman, he just won't be around that long with me.

Intresting, had you ever thought a male capable of dismissing the female dominant simply based on the beleif she lacked the content of character and indeviduality he found most desirable? 68Think about it, we do not all walk the same path.

(in reply to SaharahEve)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 4:09:58 PM

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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HELL no. I would send that person right on over to www.maxfisch.com.

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[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 4:26:56 PM

Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
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No thank you. I am already raising a child.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 4:34:04 PM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Hell, that struck a chord! That would have been me not long ago. (Well, I'll leave the 'wonderful' bit for others to decided. Modesty forbids.) In such a scenario the femdom becomes like an educator - but perhaps, even something like a guru with her apprentice. I mean, I don't think it's pushing it to suggest that he is, after all, about to go on a spiritual journey, of a kind. Quite exciting, really. But . . . I expect the femdom concerned needs to know she's got the right raw material to start with.

Exactly.

Yes, it can happen. (Yes, I still see him on the internets from time to time!) It's been my experience that the interest in learning is there and shows itself---the ones that aren't truly interested show themselves pretty quickly too!

{easy test: SHE: Please do not call me "Mistress", I am Ma'am, Madam, or Ms Francine
HIM: Yes, Mistress.

True story.

}

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 5:15:58 PM

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

How many people have you actually encountered who exhibit these characteristics, outside the computer portal? i d wager very few.

9

Give them a chance. Dont jump to conclusions(ya mean....like you?) if they are still fixated by porn , kick them to the curb. But dont judge a book by its cover.

I read their contents. THEN i kick them to curb. I could only find out what they THINK FemDomme is about if I SPEAK to them.

dont make presumptions,

oh, you mean like....you...again?

don t believe that you know that they are after their itches first off, they might not be. If you dont let them in, you will never know.

Oh yes I do. By talking with them and meeting them.

Take it easy give them a chance , then kick them to the curb by all means if they dont satisfy you
kevin

I'm not going to waste my time.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 7:34:26 PM

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscusExactly.

Yes, it can happen. (Yes, I still see him on the internets from time to time!) It's been my experience that the interest in learning is there and shows itself---the ones that aren't truly interested show themselves pretty quickly too!

{easy test: SHE: Please do not call me "Mistress", I am Ma'am, Madam, or Ms Francine
HIM: Yes, Mistress.

True story. }

Heh. I can believe that's a true story.

Mind you, what would you be like with someone who asks relentless questions? I did, when I first came to CM. I asked plenty enough here - but, still, some of the biggest of my answers came as a result of prviate conversations I'd had with a few femdom friends. It no doubt took a lot of patience from them and I know, also, it'd give them headaches because they'd start asking questions of themselves, too.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 7:36:13 PM

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I like it when I get questions that make me think! Sometimes you just get stuck, and never really evaluate the WHY anymore. You were quite the pesky bastard, weren't you? I liked you though.

ETA:
What I have no patience with is STUPIDITY and that sheer bloody minded focus on WHAT I THINK IS... that we've seen from two notable young men on the boards this month. Have all the THOUGHTS you like but my REAL LIFE trumps a half assed theory. Every time.

< Message edited by LadyHibiscus -- 6/25/2010 7:37:39 PM >

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 7:49:29 PM

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Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I like it when I get questions that make me think! Sometimes you just get stuck, and never really evaluate the WHY anymore. You were quite the pesky bastard, weren't you? I liked you though.

Hah! I knew that there were soft spots behind all the fearsome femdom facades. Actually - correct myself - I didn't know it, I just assumed it. I nearly always do, with women. But if you yourself were being fearsome with me, Lady Hib, I failed to notice it. You'll maybe need to work on that.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 7:52:50 PM

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I am totally NOT FEARSOME in any way. My entire life folks have been telling me that I am intimidating. I tell them that they are just being pussies.

A MARSHMALLOW WITH A TITANIUM CORE.

I am all sweet and squishy!! Just ask My Many Friends, they'll tell you!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 7:57:21 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

NO.

People who have an amazing lack of self-awareness are likely to be amazingly clueless in other areas- like believing the cardboard-domme porn stereotype, or not being able to see past their nose financially, or thinking that they can get away with lying to you, or having no clue at all about what to do with a woman in or out of bed, or having a serious inability to trust, and an inability to form close, lasting, significant relationships.

Not that I um.... know anything about that kind of guy personally....

I don't have time for a "project". I have no interest in trying to help a grown man who hasn't put in enough effort to know his ass from a hole in the ground. Someone like that would bring a negligible return on any time I invested. Life's too short.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 7:58:35 PM

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Joined: 6/2/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

Mind you, what would you be like with someone who asks relentless questions?

Truth be told, I like when people ask me questions (unless the questions are for wank fodder!). It means that someone's trying to learn and figure stuff out -- both GOOD signs IMHO!

< Message edited by MistressXbox -- 6/25/2010 7:59:33 PM >

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 8:14:34 PM

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Joined: 9/27/2008
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Well, D/s as a general thing is pioneering territory, MistressXbox - there's a lot to be discovered. But, also, I should think that the beginning of any particular D/s relationship is also the beginning of a whole new bunch of dynamics that need to be discovered.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to MistressXbox)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 9:08:15 PM

Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

i think a little tolerance on both ends would be great. its ok not to want to date a guy . Just dont label him as uneducated. How does one define uneducated anyway? it s a very grey area and leaves people open to the accusation of being judgmental which is not a good thing
just my two cents
Your mileage may vary
kevin

What would you do if you met a woman who insisted that you act like tom hanks did in all of his romantic comedies? And she KNOWS this is how "real men" act because she has seen all the movies and has been dreaming about this her whole life?
No matter how much you tried to persuade her that real life was not like a romantic comedy, she still insisted that it was and she could have this romantic comedy with you?
Would you commit time and energy trying to rehabilitate someone with whom you are still in the getting to know you phase (maybe had one or two dates)?
Would you risk going into a relationship with someone who had already made up their mind that you are the leading man in their movie and expected you to act accordingly?

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 9:24:15 PM

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I am totally NOT FEARSOME in any way. My entire life folks have been telling me that I am intimidating. I tell them that they are just being pussies.

A MARSHMALLOW WITH A TITANIUM CORE.

I am all sweet and squishy!! Just ask My Many Friends, they'll tell you!

quick hijack for a sec..... I would like to attest to the squishiness of Hib's hugs. I am already trying to plot when I can get another one (or ten)

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
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http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub wh... - 6/25/2010 9:28:12 PM

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

You all have met this guy at least once. He has unrealistic ideals about Femdom based on porn. Or he lacks any decent real life dating/social skills and is uncomfortably awkward.

I view these as totally different problems. The first is VERY common among male subs. After all, femdom porn is the easiest way for a guy with D/s fantasies to feed that hunger. In many/most instances, he doesn't know that the porn doesn't match reality. He is an innocent victim of the porn industry. Can these preconceived notions cause problems for a real-life Domme when he finally meets one? Yes. But if his desire for submission is real, he can be trained appropriately. Frankly, I fall into this category.

The second issue that you cited is more problematic (IMO). I have participated in BDSM groups throughout the country, and I usually note that far too many male subs have poor social skills. They are socially inept. I have never quite figured out why 40 year old virgins are drawn to submission the way bees are drawn to honey. But that has been my observation.

If I were a woman, I don't think that I could seriously consider a man with stunted social skills as a serious candidate for a relationship (D/s or otherwise). If he's too shy to hold a decent conversation, lacks self-confidence and self-esteem, and has little sexual experience, what good is he? Sure, you can beat him just as well as you can beat a more socially saavy sub, but will it be quite as much fun?

_____________________________

"The thing about smart mother fuckers is that sometimes, they sound like crazy mother fuckers to stupid mother fuckers".
-Robert Kirkman, The Walking Dead

(in reply to AAkasha)

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