Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress



Message

AAkasha -> Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 1:18:41 PM)



You all have met this guy at least once.  He has unrealistic ideals about Femdom based on porn.  Or he lacks any decent real life dating/social skills and is uncomfortably awkward.  Or he pretty much agrees with you on everything to the point that he's basically lying, because he's desperately trying to make a good impression.  Or he clearly is pursuing you desperately and passionately, but you know (based on what you KNOW he knows about YOU), he's really pursuing a fantasy and needs to just dial it back a notch, settle down and relax -- you feel like you are in High School all over again.  Or, all of these things plus more, in a man who is in his 40s and you wish were more emotionally sophisticated.

All that, or some of that, but underneath, he's basically "a decent guy."  Maybe some chemistry.  Things "could" work.  But it's an uphill battle, and with Mr. Agreeable, you just don't know if he's saying he will change when really his enthusiasm is all pointed at the fantasy, and as soon as it loses the appeal, he'll probably just...well, vanish.

Is it worth it?

Akasha



LadyPact -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 1:37:03 PM)

I've expressed this on other threads and My answer is no.  While I can't hold it against someone for never having had the opportunity to participate in a female led dynamic, I most certainly can hold it against them for not making every effort to learn about the reality of one.  Did he get his information that he's basing wanting to explore this from porn or did he seek out non fiction based information?  What books has he read on BDSM?  Has he attempted to meet people in the real world through munches or events to see how D/s couples interact?  How much effort has he put into his interest in this that is not erotica based?

Some people think that is too much to ask for.  My question back to them would be why?  As a Dominant woman and a top, don't they expect Me to be educated?  If it turned Me on to see a woman whipping a man, does that qualify Me to use a whip?  If all I've done is play around on line, how does that qualify Me to play with another living, breathing human being?

I have very high standards for Myself as far as My knowledge and skill.  I'm not going to accept anything less from somebody else.



Lockit -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 1:37:25 PM)

No! Never!



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 1:42:45 PM)

See, I was going to post saying no but I didn't cause I thought I would be too much of a downer on the thread. Clearly I was wrong...

There are enough subs who reach my own personal standards that I don't feel I have to rehabilitate one who doesn't; someone else's personal growth is *not* my responsibility-if they have unrealistic ideas that is *their* problem IMO...These people are adults, after all.

If I was in the middle of a drought with no end in sight? Maybe. But it would have to be a pretty severe drought...



lobodomslavery -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 1:47:51 PM)

i think a little tolerance on both ends would be great. its ok not to want to date a guy . Just dont label him as uneducated. How does one define uneducated anyway? it s a very grey area and leaves people open to the accusation of being judgmental which is not a good thing
just my two cents
Your mileage may vary
kevin



Lockit -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 1:48:54 PM)

LOL...No and Never were safer than me going on to explain! You know me!



MissAsylum -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 1:51:27 PM)

No.


No, no, no, no, no, NO.



MissAsylum -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 2:03:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

i think a little tolerance on both ends would be great. its ok not to want to date a guy . Just dont label him as uneducated. How does one define uneducated anyway? it s a very grey area and leaves people open to the accusation of being judgmental which is not a good thing
just my two cents
Your mileage may vary
kevin



yes.


yes i WILL label them uneducated. You of all people should know that once somebody has a certain perception of how things SHOULD be, it can be damn near impossible to change their mind without them being willing to in the first place.

Like LP said, its one thing to have never been in the situation of a female led dynamic, but its another to not even TRY to understand it beyond porn.

And let's face it, FemDomme porn is where most newbs get their ideas about D/s relationships, and its why most of them are turned onto it in the first place.



lobodomslavery -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 2:55:06 PM)

All i will say is this. People in glass houses dont throw stones
kevin



MissAsylum -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 2:56:27 PM)

dealing with this subject manner- i'm not in one.



lobodomslavery -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 2:56:33 PM)

actually i will rephrase People in glass houses SHOULD NOT throw stones
Before people make judgments they should take a look in the mirror. Sub, Domme, it doesnt matter.
kevin



lobodomslavery -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 2:59:22 PM)

Figuratively speaking i mean. Obviously your not in a glass house no more than i am , it s a metaphor.  But people who make judgements about others need to examine themselves first. Often those who make judgements just reveal their ignorance, whether that be sub, domme, vanilla, it doesnt matter. it crosses all divides
kevin



MissAsylum -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:12:57 PM)

its not a judgement kevin.

not in the least.

it is always PAINFULLY obvious when somebody has gotten all their ideals from FemDomme porn and will think that is what a D/s RELATIONSHIP is all about.

Porn is a fantasy, and has no place in a relationship. even when i see somebody as a client, i refuse to see anybody who believes that every domme (or in some instances, Dom) is 90lbs, caucasian, has long blonde hair and is always clad in black shiny leather holding a whip. Yes, they are paying for a fantasy, but its not REALISTIC.

that is the basis of being delusional: being warped into a unrealistic fantasy. and as far as BDSM goes, those types are VERY hard to believe anything else is possible when its seen in every kind of dominatrix porn.



BonesFromAsh -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:14:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha



You all have met this guy at least once.  He has unrealistic ideals about Femdom based on porn.  Or he lacks any decent real life dating/social skills and is uncomfortably awkward.  Or he pretty much agrees with you on everything to the point that he's basically lying, because he's desperately trying to make a good impression.  Or he clearly is pursuing you desperately and passionately, but you know (based on what you KNOW he knows about YOU), he's really pursuing a fantasy and needs to just dial it back a notch, settle down and relax -- you feel like you are in High School all over again.  Or, all of these things plus more, in a man who is in his 40s and you wish were more emotionally sophisticated.

All that, or some of that, but underneath, he's basically "a decent guy."  Maybe some chemistry.  Things "could" work.  But it's an uphill battle, and with Mr. Agreeable, you just don't know if he's saying he will change when really his enthusiasm is all pointed at the fantasy, and as soon as it loses the appeal, he'll probably just...well, vanish.

Is it worth it?

Akasha



No.

This would be no different than roleplaying for someone who doesn't want to know me and may not be willing to put in the time or effort required to find out who I am as a woman...a person...and not a airbrushed photo of dominant perfection or a "fantasy provider".   I feel the same about a one night stand....I deserve more.

There's something so much more appealling about emotional maturity, availability and sophistication...why settle for less.

*edited for punch!



lobodomslavery -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:18:28 PM)

A relationship is about give and take. A Domme/sub relationship is built on the same principles, give and take by both parties. People who believe a relationship will be sustained by the Domme dressing in leather and whipping and smacking Her slave are of course delusional.  They need help, they need our sympathy, not our derision. They certainly shouldnt be mocked. my two cents only, your mileage will differ
kevin



MistressXbox -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:27:08 PM)

Yeah... I think most Dommes have totally been there! ;)

My answer would be this: rehabilitate, no. Educate, absolutely yes!

Years ago, I had a friend who was fond of BDSM porn, as well as fictional writings that weren't porn but DID have some strong fetishy connotations. He had told me that he'd always fantasized about being a "slave" and all of the duties therein -- you know, servicing a woman sexually. (LOL!) One day during a conversation, I mentioned that some people have relationships based on D/s both inside and outside of the bedroom/dungeon, and it threw him for a loop. He didn't think that "real" people did those sorts of things, but mainly that it involved porn-like play scenes! We ended up having a D/s relationship that lasted over 5 years; we're still really good friends, and he's definitely one of the most wonderful people I know.

None of us come out of the box knowing everything, or even knowing that there's a world beyond our fantasies -- some things can't be learned or fully experienced until there's another real person involved. (And hell, for *some* people, there's no point in going beyond logistics until there's a person you actually want to explore those things with.) I would say that if you really think the person seems "decent," and there's enough chemistry that you're interested to run with it, it's worth a shot to at least raise the awareness that there's more to BDSM than play. Maybe lend him a non-fiction book or two, have some discussions about it, even hang out with other kinky folks in a non-play setting. Taking the potential fantasy fulfillment OFF the table, at least until getting to know each other better, can really help to show if he's seriously willing to follow through.

However, let me add this disclaimer: It's up to the so-called submissive male to accept the information in the spirit it was intended, and to learn from it. If there's no desire for education or personal growth, but only for scratching his itches, then obviously it's better for you both to move along.



MissAsylum -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:29:27 PM)

[sm=sigh.gif]

the point is-

they don't bother to learn about how the lifestyle is. they don't care to learn about how the lifestyle is.

they have an image stuck in their head and NOTHING will change that because they refuse to allow it.

i'll be damned if i give symapthy to people who are stuck in that mind set.



MissAsylum -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:31:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressXbox

Yeah... I think most Dommes have totally been there! ;)

My answer would be this: rehabilitate, no. Educate, absolutely yes!

Years ago, I had a friend who was fond of BDSM porn, as well as fictional writings that weren't porn but DID have some strong fetishy connotations. He had told me that he'd always fantasized about being a "slave" and all of the duties therein -- you know, servicing a woman sexually. (LOL!) One day during a conversation, I mentioned that some people have relationships based on D/s both inside and outside of the bedroom/dungeon, and it threw him for a loop. He didn't think that "real" people did those sorts of things, but mainly that it involved porn-like play scenes! We ended up having a D/s relationship that lasted over 5 years; we're still really good friends, and he's definitely one of the most wonderful people I know.

None of us come out of the box knowing everything, or even knowing that there's a world beyond our fantasies -- some things can't be learned or fully experienced until there's another real person involved. (And hell, for *some* people, there's no point in going beyond logistics until there's a person you actually want to explore those things with.) I would say that if you really think the person seems "decent," and there's enough chemistry that you're interested to run with it, it's worth a shot to at least raise the awareness that there's more to BDSM than play. Maybe lend him a non-fiction book or two, have some discussions about it, even hang out with other kinky folks in a non-play setting. Taking the potential fantasy fulfillment OFF the table, at least until getting to know each other better, can really help to show if he's seriously willing to follow through.

However, let me add this disclaimer: It's up to the so-called submissive male to accept the information in the spirit it was intended, and to learn from it. If there's no desire for education or personal growth, but only for scratching his itches, then obviously it's better for you both to move along.


agreed.



lobodomslavery -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:32:55 PM)

How many people have you actually encountered who exhibit these characteristics, outside the computer portal? i d wager very few. Give them a chance. Dont jump to conclusions if they are still fixated by porn , kick them to the curb. But dont judge a book by its cover., dont make presumptions, don t believe that you know that they are after their itches first off, they might not be. If you dont let them in, you will never know. Take it easy give them a chance , then kick them to the curb by all means if they dont satisfy you
kevin



LadyAngelika -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 3:33:09 PM)

quote:

Is it worth it?


Not for me.

I am not expecting a man to come to me perfect. But if the relationship doesn't start off with him having a genuine interest in me as a person and if I do not feel like there is a deep compatibility on levels other than kink, there is no foundation to build on. No matter how much of a decent and willing man he might be, he will not be the man for me. Then again, I don't settle for anything other than a committed monogamous relationship.

Now finding a man who adores me for me and thinks it's that the fact that I like to take charge and am twisted and wicked is the ultimate cherry on top, then I have met the man of my dreams. If little adjustments are needed, then he is totally worth the time and effort.

- LA



Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
8.984375E-02