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Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 1:03:05 PM   
monochromaniac


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Brighton, UK
Status: offline 		(Apologies in advance if this seems rushed, I typed this out and was all ready to post when my laptop died so I'm retyping as best I can!)

It seems to me that to the majority of BDSM-ers, collaring is a momentous event, on a par with marriage to some. Is this the usual case, and is it generally frowned upon for it to be seen as a less serious commitment?

I'm in a switch relationship and we've had a long discussion about collaring and what it would mean to us and we seem to have reached an agreement that while it would show a commitment, it wouldn't necessarily be an enormous one. And, of course, since we switch, we'd want to collar each other; I'm aware that this might seem strange but neither of us has more control; we're equals who choose to give up power to (or, in some cases, take power from) the other on occasion - is this a regular occurance or is it mainly unheard of?

Questions, to add to the discussion and hopefully extend the life of this thread;
How significant is collaring to you and what does it mean, if anything?
Does it seem like a natural progression in a relationship, or is it more like a physical reminder of the power exchange taking place?
To you, is collaring something that is/should be restricted to straight D/s relationships, such as Master/slave, or can it be used in any relationship that has a power exchange going on? In other words, do you think only people who identify as slaves (or subs) can be collared?


(First thread, please don't tear me to shreds)

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 1:22:29 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Collaring to Me is a significant event.  That's the way that I see it.  Some people use collars for play or for fashion statements.  It can be either of those or anything in between. 

You're not the first person to come up with the thought of double collaring.  There are various definitions for that, too.  It's not something that would work for Me because I do see My collar being on his neck as My ownership of his submission.  I don't see a collar as something that I would wear because he doesn't own My Dominance. 

No, it isn't especially a natural progression.  The parallel that I would draw to that would be that every non kinky couples that date will one day get married.  It can be a tangible symbol of the dynamic between you and some people enjoy having that physical symbol very much.  You might have some folks who take their own translation of a collar as meaning more than what yours might mean to you.  That's ok, too.  They are entitled to their opinion just like you are.


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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 1:31:48 PM   
monochromaniac


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Brighton, UK
Status: offline 		Thanks for your post, LadyPact, that's actually really helpful to both of us. We're both learning (well, him more so than me) and it's nice to see a post that consists of more than "It's different for everyone".

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 1:38:30 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		It's different for everyone.

I've been collared for a year and a half. He's the only one to ever collar me and I'm the only one he's ever collared.
We are committed to each other for life.
We're not ceremony people....the collaring consisted of him beating me, shaving me and fucking me. And then he put it around my neck.
It was so romantic. Heh.



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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 1:47:14 PM   
monochromaniac


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Brighton, UK
Status: offline
quote:

We're not ceremony people....the collaring consisted of him beating me, shaving me and fucking me. And then he put it around my neck.
It was so romantic. Heh.


I actually think that if we do collar each other, it will be something along these lines! Neither of us really want something that's formal, it'd probably just feel silly.

Can I ask how long you were together beforehand? And which of you brought up the subject of collaring? (Just out of curiousity)

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 1:57:11 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		We started talking in Feb of 2008. Met in June. Collared in January 2009.
I don't remember how we settled on collaring or who's idea it was.
It's ironic that I wear a large metal ring around my neck since we aren't protocol types, but for some reason it was important to both of us that there was a physical symbol that either one of us could touch, grab, see at any time. We had both sacrificed a lot to be together.



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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 2:01:49 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		As Lady Pact said it can be anything from a lifelong commitment (ala marriage) to a play collar that is worn for just an evening.  How important a collar is to someone is a personal thing although it is important that it have the same level of significance to both partners (the collared and the collarer)  Switches collaring one another is certainly something that is done. 

I do have to wonder though, if it is not a sign of a deep commitment to you, and you are not a fan of formality (the ceremony is certainly a big part of why some people do collars)  then why do you want one?  (or two, I suppose in this case)

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 2:52:26 PM   
monochromaniac


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Brighton, UK
Status: offline
quote:


I do have to wonder though, if it is not a sign of a deep commitment to you, and you are not a fan of formality (the ceremony is certainly a big part of why some people do collars)  then why do you want one?  (or two, I suppose in this case)


It IS a sign of commitment to us, just not as deep as others'. Neither of us want to make a lifelong promise to each other just yet, but it doesn't mean we don't want to promise to protect, care for, and belong wholeheartedly for the other and have a collar as a symbol of that.

I don't really understand why the ceremony is a large part. Maybe you and I have different ideas of what a ceremony entails, but the sort of thing Aileen mentioned is what I'd like to do (probably without the beating, though!). A session where one is dominated to the point of feeling completely owned. That, to me, would put me in the mindset of owning and being owned more than a ceremony ever could.

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 3:49:52 PM   
SouthernSpankin


Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think the majority of BDSM-ers think a momentous collaring event is a must in a BDSM relationship, even a long-term one... I think it's a tiny percentage. Nothing wrong with it, of course... a good friend of mine had a momentous collaring event, on a par with marriage (and she wears her collar all the time). I don't even think most BDSM-ers are into wearing collars full-time. I'd think only a tiny fraction of BDSM-ers wear collars in front of strangers and/or in front of their children/siblings/parents/family. What I do think the vast majority of BDSM-ers are into is consensual BDSM... and if you and your partner have reached an agreement... why do you care what others think? I could understand why you'd be worried about it if you two have dear BDSM friends that think that you *have* to do the momentous collaring event thing...and would look down on you if you didn't... is that the case or no?

< Message edited by SouthernSpankin -- 6/30/2010 4:00:30 PM >

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 4:00:12 PM   
monochromaniac


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Brighton, UK
Status: offline 		SouthernSpankin - I was going by what I had read on the forums, from talking to people at munches, etcetera. From those who DO involve collaring into their relationships (which is what I meant, as opposed to everyone who practices BDSM) , it seems most of them take it to be a big thing - just to clarify what I meant my first post.
I don't really care what other people think at all with regards to their views on my relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't want their opinions on other things, hence the questions at the end for others to answer with regard to their relationship. I like to hear people's viewpoints on things, whether or not their thoughts will change my viewpoint is an entirely different matter.
In addition, I really respect a lot of the posters here and could probably learn from them. So even if it won't affect my relationship, I still like to know how other people feel about things.

< Message edited by monochromaniac -- 6/30/2010 4:01:00 PM >

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 4:05:40 PM   
CreativeDominant


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Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: monochromaniac

(Apologies in advance if this seems rushed, I typed this out and was all ready to post when my laptop died so I'm retyping as best I can!)

It seems to me that to the majority of BDSM-ers, collaring is a momentous event, on a par with marriage to some. Is this the usual case, and is it generally frowned upon for it to be seen as a less serious commitment?

I'm in a switch relationship and we've had a long discussion about collaring and what it would mean to us and we seem to have reached an agreement that while it would show a commitment, it wouldn't necessarily be an enormous one. And, of course, since we switch, we'd want to collar each other; I'm aware that this might seem strange but neither of us has more control; we're equals who choose to give up power to (or, in some cases, take power from) the other on occasion - is this a regular occurance or is it mainly unheard of?

Questions, to add to the discussion and hopefully extend the life of this thread;
How significant is collaring to you and what does it mean, if anything?
Does it seem like a natural progression in a relationship, or is it more like a physical reminder of the power exchange taking place?
To you, is collaring something that is/should be restricted to straight D/s relationships, such as Master/slave, or can it be used in any relationship that has a power exchange going on? In other words, do you think only people who identify as slaves (or subs) can be collared?


(First thread, please don't tear me to shreds)


Since Jef already said it, I shouldn't but...TIS different for everyone.  You two need to research it and find what works for you.  This thread that you have started is a good start but don't forget the archives (mentioned again later in this post).

I've had 4 long-term submissives.  One of those was collared and I'd intended to give a collar to another.  Even had a very special one bought...it wound up being a Xmas-New Year's gift to someone who remains very special to me in my heart and soul and mind but she was no longer mine.  She wears it on occasion as a necklace because of what we mean and meant to each other but she always knows, as I do, what it was meant to be so...

The first collar I gave was to my second submissive and was given while she was living with me.  The day she left, she took it off and put it back on about 10 times before finally putting it back on as she was getting on the plane.  I've never received it back...really wouldn't want to...but I know the day she took it off. 

These two collars meant a lot to me though in subtly different ways.  There was a lot of emotion and thought tied up into them and what each signified about that relationship.  The thought of them always gives me pause...part of it sad but for the most part good because what could have been is thought of and what was is remembered fondly.  ~wry smile~  I'm "fortunate" in that way...my mind holds on to many memories and my soul and heart experience feelings deeply.  As noted in a recent thread on emotions and places of occupation within the heart and mind and soul, I tend to keep those places occupied once they are filled...rightly or wrongly.  That's sentimental, sappy me.

I've also used play collars in casual play that were used for a weekend or a week.  These were usually bought specifically for each occasion and were used in that manner and then put away.  These were not significant to any degree other than adding a certain protocol to the interactions and to indicate a line between myself as the dominant and her as the submissive. 

I don't do collars of protection and I am not fond of collars of consideration.  My thoughts on both have been expressed previously and I won't go into them on depth here.  I see mainly "con" against collars of protection and, while I can see some point to a collar of consideration, I still tend to view it more negatively than positively.  You can find threads in the archives that discuss both collars of protection and collars of consideration to get not just my viewpoints but those of many others on those two types of collars.



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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 4:07:04 PM   
SouthernSpankin


Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: monochromaniac

SouthernSpankin - I was going by what I had read on the forums, from talking to people at munches, etcetera. From those who DO involve collaring into their relationships (which is what I meant, as opposed to everyone who practices BDSM) , it seems most of them take it to be a big thing - just to clarify what I meant my first post.
I don't really care what other people think at all with regards to their views on my relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't want their opinions on other things, hence the questions at the end for others to answer with regard to their relationship. I like to hear people's viewpoints on things, whether or not their thoughts will change my viewpoint is an entirely different matter.
In addition, I really respect a lot of the posters here and could probably learn from them. So even if it won't affect my relationship, I still like to know how other people feel about things.


Well, there are people that take collaring on the level of marriage between the two of them, and even have their friends witness it. If you want to do that, you can. If you want to do something like you are proposing, you can do that, too. I don't understand why you need approval from anyone else besides your partner to do what you two want to do.

< Message edited by SouthernSpankin -- 6/30/2010 4:21:37 PM >

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 4:52:02 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello mono!

Nice first thread! - It's actually a treat to read a thread with an original take on the "collaring question"

To your questions,,.,.

Speaking for myself, collars mean relatively little, but I recognise the value that many of my friends place on collaring.

I think for many it's a natural progression, for some it is just about the physical reminder (I have to admit - I'm a bit of a fan of physical reminders - though not normally as overt as a collar) or it's both or neither (a collar may be used in play for a very different purpose for example) ;-)

I absolutely think that collaring can be applied to any type of relationship - there is no "book of kink" that lays down rules, and even if there were, you can always be unorthodox ;-) While it would seem logical that only subs should be collared, I don't see why a dominant might not choose to wear a collar, or some other symbol, to signify their commitment to their sub/slave. Admittedly - a collar does have strong connotations of submission, but if a Dom were to say "I wear a collar that corresponds to my sub's collar, to honour his/her commitment to me " I'd probably think "Fair enough!" - If a dom were to say "I see a collar as a mark of submission, therefore it doesn't feel appropriate for me to wear one" - I'd also think "fair enough!"... (How's that for fence sitting).


Aaaanyway - thanks for the op - made me mull.

What I think (to echo comments already made) is that you should do what means most for you and your partner. If your both wearing collars symbolises your relationship to you - then go for it!



[ED for typos and a forgotten subclause]

< Message edited by crazyml -- 6/30/2010 4:56:15 PM >

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 5:24:30 PM   
bestheadyet


Posts: 266
Joined: 2/3/2010
Status: offline 		woooooooooooo
got a video of the event????(wink)



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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 5:29:27 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline 		Oddly enough, sometimes the collar means everything to the subbie/slave and fuck all to the Dom which is odd since he's the one who collared her. Go figure....

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 6:53:48 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

How significant is collaring to you and what does it mean, if anything?


Collaring to me is a process, and it is very significant for our household, because it marks the time when an individual becomes a full member of the household, with privileges to vote on house business, and attendant responsibilities to the overall welfare of the house.

That being said, I've known -many-, -many- individuals who use collars strictly for an individual scene, as a reflection of the dynamic that is in place for the period of the scene and no longer... and I've known quite a few people in real life who wear collars on -both- sides of the dynamic... both the dominant party and the yielding party wearing a collar that designates their status in the relationship... and you know what, all of these people were every bit as "real" -- they just saw things differently than we did. Neither way was more "correct", unless one was trying to decide which option was more suited to -them-... and then, only from the perspective of "this idea resonates more with how _I_ feel about things than the other perspective does".

Calla


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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 7:55:56 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I do consider collaring to be very meaningful. That is not to be confused with just wearing a collar as a fashion statement, which I consider just fine if that's what you like. I am also fine with folks wearing a collar to SIGNIFY something for the length of a scene----I know couples who use this to symbolize the power exchange that ONLY exists within a scene.

For ME, a collar represents a long term commitment to a relationship. It doesn't need a physical representation, or to be a "collar" as such---my collar is actually a bracelet. I just cringe when I see folks say that they are "owned and collared" after three dates.

It's a world of folks, though, and as long as you are not misrepresenting what your collar means, why not use it as you see fit?

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 6/30/2010 9:39:11 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		the importaint thing on the collar is what it will mean to you and your partner. my Mistress collar that i wear to me is a significant thing equal or greater than a marriage vow, but thats what it signifies to U/us. have a good talk with your partner and find out what it is to the 2 of you and go from there. i wish you many happy days ahead.

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 7/1/2010 5:02:40 AM   
monochromaniac


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Brighton, UK
Status: offline 		Thanks, everyone, I'll link him to this thread and we can have another talk about it and work out precisely what it does mean to us.
:3

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RE: Does collaring always have to be significant? - 7/1/2010 11:40:29 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

My opinion?

Don't worry about the opinions of others. A wedding ring is a ring right? So is the little band of metal you buy your friend cause she liked it and you wanted to give her something. Doesn't mean anything unless you both agree it does.

So use whatever strap of material that fastens around a neck however you like. It's your relationship, it's your bit of leather/metal/nylon/whatever. You paid for it.

You can decide that collaring is a super-huge deal and that's awesome. You can decide that collaring is akin to going steady and that's awesome too. You can decide to skip a "collaring" and just wear the damn thing. The beauty of it is that it really doesn't matter as long as you and yours understand the arrangement and are happy.

For us, a collar was significant. There was no ceremony in the slightest - he just put it on me. However, I wore collars that I'd bought myself as necklaces and during play. These were never confused with wearing his collar though, if that makes sense. It's really about what makes you both happy.

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