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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 3:27:09 PM

impishlilhellcat

Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline

I'm a fairly young submissive and have stumbled and bumbled my way along the path. I love reading these message boards they give so much wisdom and advice. I have to thank E/everyone for posting on this thread because I too have gone through a similar hurtful situation and for awhile spent a fair amount of time wondering what all I did wrong and how to start over. All this advice has been so helpful!

_____________________________

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 21

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 6:40:31 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

To the Op..Much good advice here..I do not think that there is one person in the world who has not been betrayed by someone at sometime in their lives.You as anyone else will go on..and yes it involves time and distance from the hurt inflicted..you wish it would all just stop now ,the pain, the affect on your sense of well being, but you know it will be in time..I do not know where I heard this one particular saying but the gist of it is..people come and go in your life for a reason, wether it is for a short amount of time or a more lengthy one,but whichever it is,when they go it is because their purpose in your life has been served. Of course you may never know the reason, it could be some kind of lesson that needed to be learned, a shoulder that was needed for that time,a wise council of some sort..but whatever the case, when I think of this, it sometimes gives me comfort even in the midst of pain...my advice?..sighs..Experience the loss, feel the betrayal,come to terms with your fears...and then live and trust again....for if you do not then you will only be living a half life....be well...Tempting

(in reply to impishlilhellcat)

Post #: 22

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 6:55:25 PM

scratchingpost

Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

As so many before me I am sorry that you have been hurt so deeply and that it affected your health physically as well as emotionally. I have had a lot of issues with trust. I had to exaomine why I put my trust time after time again in the wrong people. I discovered it was a lack of trust in myself for the longest time. Once I learned to trust my instincts (and it wasn't until very recently that I was able to do so ) was I able to start making wiser choices in who I call friend Sometimes I am still a bit paranoid about people given my past but I am patient with myself first, and take small steps to rebuild my self confidence of who i can and cannot have faith in. I was taught from Someone Who I admire and love deeply that I should not trust blindly ever but rather give people a chance with an open mind to earn it. Expect nothing and be suprised with the positive and not as disappointed wtih the negative. I was also told to start listening to my inner voice instead of going against it. Many people told me that the Person I trust most in the world is married, or hiding something, the inner voice in me says to trust that person and I do. But that Person I am referring to EARNED it and has PROVEN themselves time and time again. For the first time I did not trust so easily or blindly and had a sucessful outcome....So to make long story short trust yourself FIRST, listen to yourself AND let them earn it. The true ones won't mind waiting because they are real and have nothing to lose only to gain and with treasure it

_____________________________

be safe and smile
purrrs kitty
(=^.^=)
www.misskittys-scratchingpost.com

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 23

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/16/2006 12:53:16 AM

acctonthelook

Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline

Exactly, listen to your gut that you were ignoring all the times ppl told you about her. I know we all want to believe in someone, but believe and as Kyra said; believe and trust in yourself first! Love yourself first! Also I agree with

quote:

original: nslut4whtmaster
A good thing to remember although You may be a Dominant, You are still a man.

Please be kind to yourself and consider the source! She's just not worth it! Once you find you can no longer 'respect' her and her poor morals and values, as a person it will help you in letting go.

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
I have learned to listen to the little warning bells in the back of my head. It prevents a lot of heartbreak.

We all feel empathy towards your situation and wish you many warm loving hugs to come your way in the future, just know you can open your arms again!

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 24

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/16/2006 5:38:04 PM

suraya

Posts: 22
Joined: 7/22/2005
Status: offline

it just simply amazes me on how some people think others are disposable, i too have been on that was hurt badly by someone i thought i trusted, after a few months of crying and being terribly pissed off, i got the answers and the closure i needed to move on. i still somedays wondered what i did, but i know it was not me, it was Him and His inability to commit. many here know what happened, He got me pregnant and took off with His old slave, such is life, i thought i would die, but alas, i have not, so sorry to disappoint Him, lol. i still find it hard to believe with my SO says alot of times, but i woke up one day and realized that i cannot live the rest of my life hidden in some fortress, thats not who i am , its not how i can be. time does heal all, and writing surely helped me alot. i talked alot to some great friends both here on CM and my r/t vanilla friends, after i got tired of talking and crying, i knew it was time. it always sucks for the next one when you get screwed over, but not everyone is out to hurt you and i have pushed my share of good real men away because of the past. but not anymore, i am tired of running. now its time for me to stop, have more faith in myself, because i have been told that trust stems from me, and not trusting is more me not trusting myself in knowing how the other person will react to certain things. never quite heard it put that way, but it sunk in after a few days and made perfect sense, i doubt myself more than anyone. all in all the harsh reality is some people just do not give a shit about others feelings and are only out there to get what makes them happy, screw everyone else, it sucks, but it happens. i know You will come out of this fine, just takes time and some patience, i learned how to be patient, lol. best of luck to You Sir!

_____________________________

~*~His suraya~*~

(in reply to acctonthelook)

Post #: 25

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/16/2006 6:53:14 PM

classykindasassy

Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline

The wost thing to do is pretend you're not human and try to hold all the pain inside. You have to let it out so that it doesn't fester.

There's a difference between wallowing and just letting it come up and out. When you let it come up and out, you will feel cleansed after you wail your soul out. Just wallowing for wallowing's sake , you'll never get to a bottom and just keep making her wrong. Just let it flow like a river. Don't stir things and play them over and over in your mind. See them and let them go.

You have to let go. I can't dispute your experience, but I wonder why in God's name someone would willfully hurt another for no reason. I am not saying you gave her any reason or that she had one. Maybe she is just so afraid and unconscious and checked out that she could numbly drag you through her insanity. Drugs or severe abuse history are the only things I know of that could allow a person to be so unfeeling. You are much better off than you realize. I know it's hard to see that now.

Look to see where you stepped over something that would have made you suspect something. A feeling or observation you overlooked at the time. Maybe it will give you the access to not mapping this lady's insanity onto all women.

A book that may help: Heal The Hurt That Sabotages Your Life by Bill Ferguson. I used to work for him - he turned my life around.

< Message edited by classykindasassy -- 4/16/2006 6:56:24 PM >

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 26

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/16/2006 7:46:32 PM

LaMalinche

Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline

Please remember that it is not your current girls who betrayed you. They deserve your trust and it is unfair to ask them to re-earn what someone else took advantage of.

I wish you the speediest of healings.

Best,

LaMalinche

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 27

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/16/2006 8:21:15 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

Delta,

You've taken a tremendous leap forward simply by emerging from the 'oh sh*t, this HURTS' stage to begin asking how to approach the 'cut this thing out of Me even if it kills me' stage.

I think that's the most difficult transition to make when trying to analyze how to go about making a recovery from a bad fall.

When confronted by this situation, I've always looked back on the relationship in retrospect and realized that there were lots of red flags that I chose to ignore, many of them I talked Myself out of because I so wanted to believe that My feelings were reciprocated. Example: you state you 'asked her many times' and she reassured you 'despite friends telling you she was cheating'. Boy, there's a red flag you chose to ignore if I ever saw one.

The importance of looking back and recognizing the red flags for what they were, and acknowledging the fact that you chose to ignore them, lies in the importance of accepting that the relationship was doomed a long time ago, and through no fault of your own.

Now you can say: "Self, you saw the red flags and ignored them; which means, they (the scurvy dog that deceived you) were not feeling for you what you felt for them; the relationship, whether because of lifestyle differences, cultural differences, whatever those differences might be, the relationship was not reciprocal, Self!"

I don't think healing can truly begin until you own those damned red flags and accept that you looked the other way willingly.

That takes a long time.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You were lied to, deceived, and set up. Who wouldn't be devastated?

The best place to start healing is with the subs you do trust. I'd be willing to bet there's a star beneath the basket who's light you're missing because you were too busy spending all your energy on overcoming the latest waving red flag.

Once you come to grips with the fact that you're at least 50% responsible for hurting yourself, time will take care of the rest.

I never worry about how long that takes. You're not on anyone's time table but your own. Take it one day at a time, and spend your day changing your thoughts....When a memory of that person creeps back into your mind and heart, tell yourself "SCRATCH THAT!" or "STOP!" and redirect your thoughts to something positive at hand, like an upcoming lunch, weekend plan, or other friendship or D/s relationship that IS offering you some of what you need.

Stop your thought pattern every time, and soon, the feelings will follow.

Thoughts>Feelings>Actions>Results>Thoughts

If I could put this in a circle for you, with
Thoughts at 12 o'clock,
Feelings at 3 o'clock,
Actions/Responses at 6 o'clock, and
Results at 9 o'clock,
we could work through the process in a circle.

You can make this a 'dismal failure/pain cycle' circle, or you can make it a 'success circle'. That part is up to you. Once you take control of your thoughts, the feelings will follow. How you feel is what motivates your next actions/activities/responses, and those are what yield results. The results, when positive, generate more positive thoughts, and the circle continues. If you allow the negative/painful thoughts to keep circling like a grade B movie in your head, you can spiral down into deeper pain or even despair.

Stop revisiting your thoughts about her. Stop the thought, redirect it, and the feelings you are experiencing of pain and regret will give way to more positive, uplifting and rewarding emotions and activities.

It takes effort and determination, both of which I am certain you have in abundance. Keep on trying.

Best of luck to you, I empathize.

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 4/16/2006 8:31:20 PM >

(in reply to masterdeltafire)

Post #: 28

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/16/2006 9:14:54 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

So ... maybe what I have to say will be a little too blunt. If so, please accept my apology in advance.

You got hurt. It happens. It has probably happened to everyone you meet, at one time or another. Your hurt is only as special to you, as everyone else's is to them. You can either accept it and get over it ... or let is consume you.

You can revel in the hurt, and find the good in it. Your future should be easy ... you have already lived through the worst.

You can accept the harshness of life for what it is, and give up the quest to find happiness. That has always worked well for me ... once I realized the bitter truth. You see, there is no happiness. You just have to learn to be happy without it.

Peace ... cc

P.S. Riot ... the new profile pic kicks ass.

(in reply to masterdeltafire)

Post #: 29

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 6:19:48 AM

masterdeltafire

Posts: 81
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline

Thanks all on what has been said. It has helped on my re-focusing.

When it happened, yes, I did take some time off on the Lifestyle. I went back and looked over what needed to be changed, what the mistakes were I made and a few other things.

Although the elusive perfect match still is out there, I have decided I do better as a Mentor. I fell back on my roots of teaching, what worked in the past. Being a Mentor you have that level of detachment.

As for trust, it is coming back. Slowly it is coming back. Good things come to those who wait. I have learned that lesson well. Shadow has helped a lot on the trust. And yes, she passed her test while on loan with the Domme. So I have it made on the trust problem I think.

Although still rather jaded, I guess getting burned that badly was knowing one can say they love you lying through their teeth and make one believe it. DO I believe in love and the perfect match still? Yes, but I have accepted it most likely will not come in my lifetime. So I will be content mentoring as I always have. If it happens, it happens, if not then oh well. Sometimes it just is not in the cards.

(in reply to caitlyn)

Post #: 30

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 7:08:28 AM

Mistrix

Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline

Learning to grieve is the most important thing from all of this. Mourning this loss and learning to let go and make sure that you don't put all your "eggs" in the same basket. Here is a great link to check out on the 5 stages of grief. I use it to help me deal with everything from loss of a loved one...a relationship, pet, surgery.
Take care and I hope things go better for you and your health. Stress is a killer.
http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/

(in reply to masterdeltafire)

Post #: 31

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 7:23:46 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: masterdeltafire

So, I am asking this, more so on looking for others who have shared a similar experience. How did you recover from it? How long did it take to recover from it? How did you learn to trust your instincts once more and rebuild from the pain?

Get even! You'll feel better and move on having learnt a hard lesson.

A few years ago I was subject to a very malicious act that was obviously planned. Now I can understand the woman wanting to finish and move on but what she did was uncalled for. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt so I asked her for an explaination and failing an adequate explaination an apology. I spent six month being reasonable and friendly but I wanted an explaination or an apology. She told me I was crazy. In that time I found our relationship had been somewhat crouded so having asked her again for an explaination or an apology and her not being willing to give me one I decided to get even. Boy do I feel better for it.

I quite happily tell any guy I know she is associated with what she did. I don't care if they don't believe me and let's face it if they are having their fun with her they are going to believe her but it embarrasses her all the same. I'm not satisfied with that and I've told her I still want an explanation or an apology and if I don't get one the moment I see an opportunity to get even I'll take it with both hands, even if I have to wait ten years.

Damn, if she was a guy and did something similar to what she did I would have taken my chances and give him a good thumping and left it at that but she ain't. However, a woman is an intellectual equal and for me, a none violent way of getting even is acceptable.

This involved more than a bruised ego and if I told you what she did you probably wouldn't think I was going over the top. All my friends, male and female, think I'm nuts for still being ready to accept an apology and walk away.

This doesn't occupy me 24/7 but now and again I let her know I'm still gunning for her. The bitch will think twice before doing the same thing to another guy.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 4/18/2006 7:35:28 AM >

(in reply to masterdeltafire)

Post #: 32

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 7:43:46 AM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

Quote: meatcleaver
"This doesn't occupy me 24/7 but now and again I let her know I'm still gunning for her. The bitch will think twice before doing the same thing to another guy."

Whoa! Respectfully; enquiring minds want to know... what the hell did she do?

Good luck to you. Geez.. feel like apologizing for this girl. May you find peace...

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 33

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 7:55:23 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fawne

Quote: meatcleaver
"This doesn't occupy me 24/7 but now and again I let her know I'm still gunning for her. The bitch will think twice before doing the same thing to another guy."

Whoa! Respectfully; enquiring minds want to know... what the hell did she do?

Good luck to you. Geez.. feel like apologizing for this girl. May you find peace...

Oh she watched me sell a house and damage one very very important relationship for her while all the time knowing she was going to finish with me. Actually she just happened to phone me when I was standing outside the empty house having just signed all the papers to tell me it was over. This was over a period of several months. She actually told me she had decided to finish with me five months earlier before I put the house up for sale and still discussed everything with me during the process of selling the house and waited for everything to go through before dumping me. No change of behaviour at all in all that time. It was planned and malicious and I still don't know what I was supposed to have done to have deserved such treatment. Now I don't care, I'm just waiting my time to get the bitch.

The whole episode cost me a bundle of money but it isn't the money why I want to get even. It's for her maliciousness. This is just a simplified version of the story.

If she was just cheating I would have just moved on. I can survive a bruised ego. Well I can survive her maliciousness but the idea of getting even with her is just too delicious not to follow through.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 4/18/2006 8:03:10 AM >

(in reply to Fawne)

Post #: 34

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 8:26:39 AM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

meatcleaver: That is awful!
Really did not expect an answer, but thank you for sharing the story with us.

I can't imagine being that cold. I have always been faithful in a relationship. Besides fidelity, I certainly can't understand how a person would manipulate someone and in such cruel, destructive ways such as you described.

People aren't perfect. I am not perfect, not always strong, but do my best to be honorable, pleasing, true...
under whatever circumstances are given.

Pure deception is something I can't begin to comprehend.

Best wishes to you,
fawne

< Message edited by Fawne -- 4/18/2006 9:13:14 AM >

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 35

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 10:53:40 AM

tieyou

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline

All girls cheat and lie. It's in their nature. No matter how convincing they are, don't believe them. They will trade you in for a new improved model in a heart beat. You have to adopt a cold, unforgiving attitude with women. If she tells you some bullshit story, investigate it. Ask for times, dates, receipts, bus tickets, ect. If she don't like it, tell her to fuck off.

(in reply to Fawne)

Post #: 36

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 11:04:20 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tieyou

All girls cheat and lie. It's in their nature. No matter how convincing they are, don't believe them. They will trade you in for a new improved model in a heart beat. You have to adopt a cold, unforgiving attitude with women. If she tells you some bullshit story, investigate it. Ask for times, dates, receipts, bus tickets, ect. If she don't like it, tell her to fuck off.

For a while I thought that but decided it was just this particular woman that was the problem.

I've no big problem with infidelity in so much I understand it is just a normal human frailty. Yes it hurts when one is on the receiving end but people's feelings change and not everyone is brave enough to be honest. No one can stop themselves falling in love with someone. It can happen when you aren't even thinking about another person.

I admit I'm no angel but when I've cheated, I've had the bottle to look my partner in the eye and tell the whole story so she wouldn't find out from someone else and be publicly humiliated as well as hurt so I understand how hard it can be to be honest. I can forgive that behaviour when it happens to me.

It's pre-meditated maliciousness that I can't abide when there is no reason.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 4/18/2006 11:05:55 AM >

(in reply to tieyou)

Post #: 37

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 11:15:06 AM

mixielicous

Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tieyou

All girls cheat and lie. It's in their nature. No matter how convincing they are, don't believe them. They will trade you in for a new improved model in a heart beat. You have to adopt a cold, unforgiving attitude with women. If she tells you some bullshit story, investigate it. Ask for times, dates, receipts, bus tickets, ect. If she don't like it, tell her to fuck off.

woah, i think you need to seriously evaluate why you have such a degrading view of women....

with an attitude like that i would never trust you for a master

that is not what makes a good dom, its what makes a good wife beater

(in reply to tieyou)

Post #: 38

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 11:26:12 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tieyou

All girls cheat and lie. It's in their nature. No matter how convincing they are, don't believe them. They will trade you in for a new improved model in a heart beat. You have to adopt a cold, unforgiving attitude with women. If she tells you some bullshit story, investigate it. Ask for times, dates, receipts, bus tickets, ect. If she don't like it, tell her to fuck off.

Maybe the kind of women who are attracted to a cold, unforgiving attitude are the type to cheat, lie and trade you in for a new model in a heartbeat.

(in reply to tieyou)

Post #: 39

RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/18/2006 11:34:08 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

I have 2 personal rules in dealing with trust issues:
#1 - Always follow my gut instinct. Always, always, always. I don't even care if my gut instinct is wrong. I will always have to live with my instincts. There's no one person on this earth I will always have to live with.
#2 - Be open and honest with my partner(s) about my issue. When I told my boy about my trust issues, he wanted to do whatever it took to help. He even said "Would it make you feel better if I wore a chastity belt, had my phonecalls in front of you, showed you all my receipts, had you talk to my co-workers to prove I'm at work..... etc" and he was dead serious.
Him making that offer alone, kind of reminded me that my issues are really within myself and not with another person, and that I have to work them out *within me* instead of trying to shift them off on another person.
I declined, but now mind you I was EXTREMELY tempted to say "Yes. Please do those things." He cares enough about me and helping me through my issue, that he would have. And probably, in time, I would have felt like a big old goof for making him "prove" himself to me.
The thing is, he didn't see it as "proving" himself to me. He saw it like "She has an issue. My doing this might help her as she's working through this issue, so I'm going to do what I can to help."
He had the insight that it wasn't *him specifically* I had distrust in. It was *anyone* who happened to be in his role. He just happened to be the one filling that role. He understood that "those who walked in these shoes before me were asswipes" and he understood that by intensifying and magnifying that "the person in these shoes now is not an asswipe and is not going to hurt you" it would help me learn that "not everyone who walks in those shoes is an asswipe".
Open communication is really important imo. Without communication of our feelings, we can't do those silly things that help each other get over the bad times.

(in reply to mixielicous)

Post #: 40

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