I think we have all been hurt at some point or time by someone we trusted. I beleive there is a healing process that MUST occure after in order for someone to move on and be able to get involved in a healthy relationship and not dwell on the past hurts. I wrote this essay sometime ago. I think that it relates very much to what you are dealing with and perhap it may help you in your healing process. I know that it helped me to write it at the time.
Blessed Be
Fogiveness by Nika Is forgiveness imperative towards us surviving as a couple, as friends?Surving period? Despite the difficulties I believe it is. I believe the qualities that comprise forgiveness are good and very much needed: -To forgive yourself you must obtain self understanding-be real with yourself, your heart. It starts with some very root questions: What are my feelings? My regrets? My hopes? What do I want to change? What am I honestly willing to do to implement change?
-The next step is to move from thinking about self to thinking about others, however; we MUST do so in a positive light. We must have empathy, and understanding for human flaws and imperfection. We must each recognize and acknowledge the hurt others have inflicted then recognize that the hurt, pain, was not directed at you. We must acknowledge and accept that it was simply a product of their own inner turmoil. -The third ingredient needed is accepting the pain that may remain in the wake of asking for it. Forgiveness does not erase the hurt or pain or change the forgived person. Forgiveness, often times involves a dramatic gesture, it is not a mystical transformation that will cure this relationship or make the pain go away. It is an accommodation. Why seek forgiveness then? Why is it so important in order to move on to a healthy and strong relationship? Forgiveness is a way of liberating yourself from the pain, of choosing to let go. I must decide that the positive value of our relationship out weighs the validity of my pain.
True forgiveness, should NOT be held hostage to an apology or to change.
The reality is forgiveness is not an absolute- it in no way absolves anyone one from personal responsibility - however it does allow me to move past that moment. If I only concentrate on my own emotions, my own resentments, anger, and pain and not that of my friend, my partner, my Master what am I? I believe that forgiving, letting go is so hard to do because of our own, my own selfish expectations and assumptions. Does enough time have to pass for a scab to begin forming. Even if a scab does begin to form do I pick at it never letting it heal, in order to remember the pain that was inflicted or do I bandage the wound, forgetting about it, moving on letting it heal naturally.That is the delima that many including myself find myself in. I have come to the conclusion that I have refused to let bandage it and move on letting it heal. I have relized that in doing this I have focused on my pain, I have made things personal that perpahs in all reality where not. Only I can let it go, nothing he does will "make" me do that, I must choose to let it go or to hold on. I must choose pain or love, yesterday or tomorrow. Perhaps this is the first step in letting go.
< Message edited by Phoenixandnika -- 4/22/2006 8:47:55 PM >
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"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 
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