quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Fabulous!

And... I suspect you might be my submissive half... so make the most of it!! Or COME BACK TO THE DARK SIDE WE HAVE MIMOSAS!!

Srsly, I think it looks great, the bullet points work for short attention spans, and you hit the highlights. I am LOVING the bit about BDSM in a relationship and not vice versa.

[:D]

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ORIGINAL: DarlingSavage

At first glance, I think it's a little long.  Nice pictures, though.  However, when I start reading, then I scroll down, I'm like, oh, that's long.  I think you should just be very direct and to the point.  Put the important stuff out there right up front, but be brief.  They don't have to get to know you from your profile, getting to know you should be a journey.  I hope that helps.  

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Fabulous!

And... I suspect you might be my submissive half... so make the most of it!! Or COME BACK TO THE DARK SIDE WE HAVE MIMOSAS!!

Srsly, I think it looks great, the bullet points work for short attention spans, and you hit the highlights. I am LOVING the bit about BDSM in a relationship and not vice versa.

[:D]

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Or COME BACK TO THE DARK SIDE WE HAVE MIMOSAS!!

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ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Ok.. other than the glaring omission of gash shots, it seems well presented to me.

Clear, well thought out and not at all whiney.

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ORIGINAL: ElizabethAnne

You have 32 paragraphs, and 27 of them start  with "I" or My", the song lyrics are excluded.    Reminds me of a child, I want, I want, I want. ~shrugs~ 

You asked.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElizabethAnne

You have 32 paragraphs, and 27 of them start  with "I" or My", the song lyrics are excluded.    Reminds me of a child, I want, I want, I want. ~shrugs~ 

You asked.

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What is the solution? Just re-word the sentences or re-structure the paragraphs?

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ORIGINAL: Jeffff

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ORIGINAL: ElizabethAnne

You have 32 paragraphs, and 27 of them start  with "I" or My", the song lyrics are excluded.    Reminds me of a child, I want, I want, I want. ~shrugs~ 

You asked.

I went and re read it. I don't see it like you do. Yes many of them start I and My, but she is often explaining who she is.

That's my take.

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I also thought it was a little massive, but what do I take out?

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ORIGINAL: ForgetMeKnots

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ORIGINAL: Jeffff

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElizabethAnne

You have 32 paragraphs, and 27 of them start  with "I" or My", the song lyrics are excluded.    Reminds me of a child, I want, I want, I want. ~shrugs~ 

You asked.

I went and re read it. I don't see it like you do. Yes many of them start I and My, but she is often explaining who she is.

That's my take.

Thank you Jeffff! 

*smile*

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And then perhaps you wouldn't have to ask if comes across snotty.

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ORIGINAL: DarlingSavage

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I also thought it was a little massive, but what do I take out?

I’m becoming much more active in the community and I love it. I love gaining education and experience and figuring out what I like. I want to be able to share these experiences with my partner. Trust me… if I can do this in a semi-public setting, so can you!

This along with the info on the Tampa group could probably be shortened.

I also liked the bullets, however, look at this:







I am NOT looking for a Dom over 40, unless it‘s for friends. This especially applies to you!
* No, it doesn’t matter how good looking you are, or how much money you have.
Yes, really. I don’t need your money. I need your time and attention.
This last statement sounds as though you won't mind a 40 yr old if he spends time with you and pays enough attention to you because it came very shortly after the 40 yr old statement. 

* I play dumb and shallow and flirty very well....that tends to be a defense mechanism. Take this out, too.  You don't want to disparage yourself on your profile.  You only want to put your best foot forward.

I am a strong and independent female, and seek a strong independent male. If you can’t meet the challenge, then you don’t deserve me. This isn’t me being a “brat“, this is me being discerning. I know what I’m worth, I’m just making sure you know.

All you need to say here is that you're independent and want someone who is also independent.  A person who knows their own worth doesn't find it necessary to tell people that up front.  If you know your own worth, then you will act accordingly as you get to know someone and will put an end to mistreatment as soon as it happens.  See what I'm saying?  This is a "journey" aspect.  So, remove the bolded part, IMO.

I prefer frank and honest communication, even though it will make me blush and stammer. I’d rather be a little embarrassed at the beginning than terribly hurt at the end.

No need to start off with saying that you might be terribly hurt.  Again, you're acting as though you expect to be hurt.  If that is what you expect, then that's what you'll get.  I see that you're afraid of being hurt.  You want to show that you're fun at this stage.  You want to show your strengths.  You don't want to start off sounding insecure and trust me, it took me a long time to figure this out.  So, I"m giving you the benefit of my experience, the experience I wish I didn't have!  lol

I am educated, and a professional. I've worked a long time creating the person that I am... I'm not going to hand that over to just anyone.

No need to say anything more than that you're educated and a professional here.  Again, the message between the lines is that you expect to be contacted by someone that is going to take advantage of you.  Focus on what you WANT, not on what you DON'T WANT.  You should remove the bolded part.

I take things slowly. Not because I want to, but because it takes me a while to trust. I need to know that you are someone that I can count on...and nothing will prove that except time.

Remove all of that.  You don't want a commitment from someone you don't even know yet.  This sounds like you expect the person to be committed before you even know them.  This doesn't need to be said.  Of course it takes time to get to know someone.  But you want it to be fun, not a list of your expectations and things you wish to avoid. 

Let me be blunt here... you're going to have to be pretty spectacular to capture and hold my attention. I'm not trying to be snotty... but I have a lot to offer the right man, and I'm not settling just because you call yourself a Dom.

Don't explain what you want or why you should have what you want.  Instead explain what makes someone spectacular to you.  So far, it looks like someone spectacular is someone that isn't going to hurt you.  You want to focus on the positive.  (I think after this, I might go back and revise my own profile lol!) 

I am searching for a dominant man within the age range of 26-40. To many, this sounds like a small parameter, but I feel that I will have the most in common with someone in this range. It is not meant to be demeaning, or disrespectful in anyway--simply put, someone that is too far away from my own age will most likely be at a different point in their life.

This is really sad.  You should NOT have to explain WHY you want to be with someone your own age.  I don't think the age range you gave is limited in the least.  I would remove all that explanation.  You don't owe a complete stranger an explanation for why you want to be with someone your own age.  If they don't get it when you don't answer their email, then that's THEIR problem, not yours!

I want someone that I can spend some time with, so geographically speaking, somewhere between the areas of Tampa and Ft. Myers would be best.

This can be shortened to "Be local"  That's straight and to the point.  Again, expecting a suitor to spend time with you should go without saying, regardless of where they are.  As my therapist used to say, "That's baseline, that's the stuff that goes without saying."  If you have to ask someone to do this, they ain't the one. 

I'm a busy girl...you should be a busy guy. If it's important enough--- I'm sure we’re smart enough to figure out a way to make it work. I do NOT want to be the center of your world...at least not right away. Right away would be weird and creepy.

Again, this is concentrating on what you DON'T want.  Take this out.

Now, I've just read the "Long Version".  I think you should take all that out that you have before that and just use the "Long Version", but there were some misspelled words.  Try to scan it for anything that sounds negative or gears towards what you don't want, but on the whole, I found this part perfect and this should  be the ONLY thing on there, it's an easy read, it flows and it talks about you and talks about how fun you are, so on and so forth.  I would remove "Long Version"  as a title, though. 

I hope this helps.