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A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 1:52:40 PM

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
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I have question/thought/. What would you, as a top/Dominant/Master, do if your bottom/submissive/slave were to make a request that required something of you that you couldn't bring yourself to do? For those that HAVE experienced this, how did you handle it?
I love some of the darker corners of edge play and have found that many tops/Dominants/Masters want no part of things like whips, needles, cutting, scarification, etc. .
Can there be a happy ground where a masochist can have her needs met even though it's not something the Dominant would partake in?
I'm asking this because in my search, I have come across some that I have really enjoyed talking to, but when I go into detail concerning my interests. . . well, they seem to disappear rather quickly. I feel if I were to hide my interests, that I would be (in essense) lying to people.
I know I should find someone with like-interests and common ground, but I was only wondering what you've done or would do 'if'. . .

Respectfully,
enthralled

_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 1:57:36 PM

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I would say "NO" not really that hard to do actually. It is just two letters.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 2:08:54 PM

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Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
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I'd look at her and say "It's nice to have fantasies."

Of course, my limits are a bit extreme. There are some like hook suspension where I prefer to bring in an expert like Cleo rather than do it myself. However, that's a recognition of my skill limits rather than what is conventionally seen as a "limit."

As another example, because of a notestream here, I became interested in blood whipping, but turned the actual whipping over to Libby because she's more skilled with that toy than I am.

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 4/16/2006 2:13:15 PM >

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RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 2:22:16 PM

MyMasterStephen

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Joined: 8/16/2005
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If such a situation arises, then obviously the two co-respondents have entered into their "relationship" too hastily. Such matters MUST be discussed in detail before you get into any kind of a physical relationship.

If, however, such needs and desires develop during the course of a relationship, then that is a matter for intelligent conversation and loving compromise.

You say that people shy away from you when you mention your desires, and seem to regard that as a reason for some kind of grievance. Why? That is what conversation is FOR. If they shy away then obviously they are not right for you. The alternative you present - to not mention your darker desires - is indeed lying by omission and such non-communication is a plague upon our lifestyle.

You suggest that you "should find someone with like interests and common ground". Duh... bit of a no-brainer, that one. Who else would you be looking for? Someone who CAN'T fulfil your needs? Someone who ISN'T interested in the same things as you? Sheesh. Waste your own time, by all means, but do so without bothering people who are genuinely looking to build a rewarding relationship.

In other words, use common sense. A commodity which seems to be in perilously short supply these days.

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 2:25:05 PM

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
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Enthralled,

I think that many who haven't seen really wild kink are taken aback by it and since the scene, especially online tends to enshrine those who play on the edge as "harder" they feel weak and shrink away.

The problem with kink is the more narrowly your focus becomes, the smaller your pool of potential playmates/partners. Figure out ways to expand that pool. Perhaps look at multiple partners or a primary and some others.

Also, look at how you share your more extreme interests. Review how those fledgling contacts reacted and how you had shared your interests. Could you have presented them in a less threatening way, could you have done it in a way that brought you too closer together rather than made someone feel inexperienced. Don't forget, unlike the perfect Doms who inhabit this place, many in the real world are quite human and have insecurities too. In a community that places so much emphasis on quantity of experience a potential play partner risks his reputation and announcing to all he is a rank beginner at something.

Of course all true doms never worry about looking stupid, are always ready to try new things, but a few aren't and you might just reach out to those poor bastards and find your sadistic prince under one of them.

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 2:36:10 PM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MyMasterStephen

If such a situation arises, then obviously the two co-respondents have entered into their "relationship" too hastily. Such matters MUST be discussed in detail before you get into any kind of a physical relationship.

If, however, such needs and desires develop during the course of a relationship, then that is a matter for intelligent conversation and loving compromise.

You say that people shy away from you when you mention your desires, and seem to regard that as a reason for some kind of grievance. Why? That is what conversation is FOR. If they shy away then obviously they are not right for you. The alternative you present - to not mention your darker desires - is indeed lying by omission and such non-communication is a plague upon our lifestyle.

You suggest that you "should find someone with like interests and common ground". Duh... bit of a no-brainer, that one. Who else would you be looking for? Someone who CAN'T fulfil your needs? Someone who ISN'T interested in the same things as you? Sheesh. Waste your own time, by all means, but do so without bothering people who are genuinely looking to build a rewarding relationship.

In other words, use common sense. A commodity which seems to be in perilously short supply these days.

The real plague on this lifestyle are those who respond to respectfully asked questions with rude and asinine responses such as yours. You hold up conversation as something vital, and yet you seem incapable of doing so in a civil manner with enthralled.

Level

(in reply to MyMasterStephen)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 2:52:24 PM

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline

CD,
I think that what this boils down to is that I have a lot going on inside my head and maybe did not convey the thought in mind properly.
Maybe I'm frustrated. . . or maybe this should rather be a 'Whats wrong with me?' post.

quote:

Sheesh. Waste your own time, by all means, but do so without bothering people who are genuinely looking to build a rewarding relationship.

In other words, use common sense. A commodity which seems to be in perilously short supply these days.

Hmmm . . . I most certainly would NEVER waste anyone's time as I was so eloquently accused of.

As for common sense? My statement that I should find someone with common interests was exactly that- a statement, not a question. Patience is also a commodity of which there seem to be a perilously short supply of these days.
I merely was seeking opinion and to see whether there has been a case where a Dominant was open-minded enough to explore and educate himself on something he had never attempted and hoping that if so, I would have the opportunity to read about it here.

Respectfully,
enthralled

_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 3:03:04 PM

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Joined: 10/20/2005
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It could be in the way that you are presenting these things. Are you giving a lengthy email with a minute by minute account of what would happen? At what point is this being brought up? I know if the second email I recieved from someone was all about their interest in edge play, I would probably run away too. Have you tried looking at their interests list and asking how they feel about something or why they do not like something?

Are these things a requirement for you? I know that I have several fantasies that I know will never be fulfilled. . . but that is why they are fantasies. When I first started in this, I had a Dom that I told about these, and we discussed them and what it was I was actually looking for in these fantasies, and if it was possible to fulfill them another way. We incorporated bits and pieces of different fantacies of mine into what we did. . . but there is no way the entire thing is ever going to happen (hence the term fantasy). LOL. This is something else that you might consider. . . is there another way to fulfill these desires to work into the edge play more slowly?

Have you experianced these things before? If you are in that stage of talking, you might mention how they made you feel, or what you got out of them.

Just a few suggestions.

Best,

LaMalinche

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 3:12:17 PM

Arpig

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Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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Enthralled, I have limits, but with the exception of "unmentionables" and outright snuff, I wouldn't consider them Hard limits. When presented with something I am not comfortable doing, I would indeed seek to educate myself, see how it is done, are the risks I percieve real or not, etc. While I do have a basic understanding of what is involved in most of the things one might want, I admit that I do not know a lot about actually carrying out those things that are not of interest to me.

If, after that I still felt I wouldn't want to do whatever it was, and yet had determined that it wouldn't truely harm my sub, then I would seek somebody who was knowledgable in that particular act, and try to arrrange for that person to indulge my sub's desire.

However, if after learning about the act, I decided that it was either too likely to be harmful, or that it was something I did not wish my Pet to do, then I would simply say no

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 3:12:19 PM

Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: enthralled
I have question/thought/. What would you, as a top/Dominant/Master, do if your bottom/submissive/slave were to make a request that required something of you that you couldn't bring yourself to do? For those that HAVE experienced this, how did you handle it?

I like to think that I couldn't bring myself to do something only if I were inexperienced, and it was dangerous to attempt unless one had prior knowledge of the act. I would consider the request as an opportunity to expand my limits. I love to learn, and to learn how to do something new would be a thrill. Just as in my 8 to 5 job, if I don't know the answer to a question, I tell the requester, "I don't know, but I'll find out for you" - and I would tell the sub that the request was something that was not in my skill set yet, but soon would be. The sub would only have to wait until I read up on the practice and then attempted (ever so carefully, depending on the request) to accomplish the request. I was scared of burning subs when I started waxplay, but after one does it for awhile, you get the feel of what is necessary, and just how high you have to be NOT to burn the nipples...heh, heh, heh.

_____________________________

You never know your limits, until you push them
If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 3:14:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Enthralled,

I think that many who haven't seen really wild kink are taken aback by it and since the scene, especially online tends to enshrine those who play on the edge as "harder" they feel weak and shrink away.

The problem with kink is the more narrowly your focus becomes, the smaller your pool of potential playmates/partners. Figure out ways to expand that pool. Perhaps look at multiple partners or a primary and some others.

Also, look at how you share your more extreme interests. Review how those fledgling contacts reacted and how you had shared your interests. Could you have presented them in a less threatening way, could you have done it in a way that brought you too closer together rather than made someone feel inexperienced. Don't forget, unlike the perfect Doms who inhabit this place, many in the real world are quite human and have insecurities too. In a community that places so much emphasis on quantity of experience a potential play partner risks his reputation and announcing to all he is a rank beginner at something.

Of course all true doms never worry about looking stupid, are always ready to try new things, but a few aren't and you might just reach out to those poor bastards and find your sadistic prince under one of them.

Crappy, your profile is terrific, I was laughing out loud. Especially how a female submissive "should" present herself LOL.... I enjoy your posts, as well.

Level

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 3:14:51 PM

Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline

I, like some others here, would just say "no" and let the cards fall where they will. Might be an opportunity for some informative dialogue.

Bob

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 4:37:43 PM

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Why are you laughing, don't you know your place?

(in reply to Level)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 4:42:17 PM

Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline

One thing that Tikk really wants to experience is branding. It has been brought up many times in the past years, yet, I still continue to say no. My reasons though fall more in line with her emotional safety. Her past was pretty traumatic and it has been my belief that she only wants to do this BECAUSE of her past. As long as we are together, and I have a final say in it, the answer will continue to be no.

_____________________________

Chris

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 5:05:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Why are you laughing, don't you know your place?

LOL just remember, I was trained by Sect of the Nameless Ones (Biff was head of training), 4th division, 2nd platoon.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 6:30:17 PM

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

It appears in your case its a case of a mismatched relationship.
From what you describe I personally od not think that is "edge" play at all.
However the most important factor is the comfort factor from the Doms perspective on doing anything they are not comfortable with.
If I am not 100% comfortable with my abilitys in a certain area I will not take my slave there.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 6:45:43 PM

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Level,

Your platoon is a storied one, I salute you with that most ancient of salutes, the third digit counterpoised to the fifth digit of my left foot while slowly hoping in circles.

Were you in that glorious battle against the 101st fighting kajiras of the sacred fighting pits, where every last man survived but not a single nut made it out?

< Message edited by CrappyDom -- 4/16/2006 6:51:36 PM >

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RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 6:48:29 PM

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

There are several activities which I am interested in, but DG has said no. We have enough common ground that I don't/won't push it. They will remain in the realm of fantasy for me. I have some hard limits that he has agreed to, so it is only fair that I respect his limits as well.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to enthralled)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 6:52:45 PM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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*aaHAAAAAhaaaaHAAAA*....... *sits back and lights fake pipe, bubbles come out*.... well CD, I was indeed at said battle, but as history is wont to do, the story was never told properly...why, just the fact that I'm here is proof that nuts got out....

Be that as it may.............. I do indeed take great pride in your salute, and return our platoon's, wiggling my left ear while rolling both eyes back in my head.

yours in solemness and gravitas.

Level

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: A Dominant's limits - 4/16/2006 6:56:59 PM

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Joined: 4/19/2004
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My wife adn I both have limits as Dominants, fortunately for us some of them are different. My wife does not like golden showers at all and we both do nto like scat play. When we have been involved with a submissive or a slave that wants scat play, we have tried to accomodate them by allowing them to visit with other Dominants who do enjoy this type of play. We also have had Dominants who do not do needle play or knife play so we have stepped in for them. Dominants can not be proficient in all forms of BDSM play so there are many times that we have exchanged a submissive with another Dominant so taht the submissive enjoys what they are interested in as well. When people tell us some of the things that they desire and they are limits for us, we do not shy away from them, unless it is illegal, we just try adn accomodate them as best we can by helping them to find someone else to perform those things with.

(in reply to enthralled)

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