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turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/17/2006 11:30:25 AM

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I am currently involved in a friends with benefits bondage situation. We have never had sex because he is religious. The problem is, I want more.. He knows how I feel, but says he doesn't have feelings for me. He has even encouraged me to see other guys. Here is the strange part. When he's on yahoo messenger and sees view my webcam next to my name, he immediately messages me wanting to know who is viewing me. I tried a little experiment once by telling him I was talking to other guys in a chat room. When I told him the guys were calling me beautiful, he was quick to remind me he has done the same. He seemed to get upset because he said in a mournful way that I didn't need him anymore. When I told him I did, he seemed to get happy again. During one of our sessions, I saw a different side to him, but it only happened once. He kept gazing into my eyes and holding me tight against him. After that, he withdrew and needed time to himself. Is he being honest with me and with himself when he says he has no feelings for me? Can I win him by suddenly becoming a challenge and making him chase me?

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/17/2006 11:36:49 AM

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Being caught up in the moment isn't the same as actually having lasting feelings for someone.

I'd say respect his wishes and values and go find someone who can really fulfill what you want. Imagine what would happen if he let himself get caught up in the moment...only to wake up the next morning with a clear head?

At any case- next time you get together you should ask him directly exactly what his feelings are for you and where he sees things going. And you should accept the answer he gives.

The "don't need me anymore" comment was probably just a friendly banter sarcastic comment- don't read into it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 12:29:45 AM

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quote:

Can I win him by suddenly becoming a challenge and making him chase me?

Well, in my experience, this only works if the other person is actually interested in chasing or being chased, depending on which side of the hunt yer on...

Best of luck, either way... I'd personally suggest just being upfront about the whole thing, but then again, I'm blunter than a cast iron skillet most of the time... so take that with as much salt as you deem necessary... :)

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 4:56:23 AM

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Clearly he does have feelings for you -- but those feelings may not be what you are hoping for. He may be fond of you, value your friendship, blah blah. Even if he does feel jealous, that does not indicate he is secretly harboring deep feelings.

If your relationship is to evolve it will happen naturally over time. Manipulating the situation may get you an immediate reaction, but little to build on.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 2:48:18 PM

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I think he's conflicted between his moral/religious obligation and jealously. People want what they can't have, for whatever reason. I have to agree with Sensualips, though. Manipulating the situation to your advantage may get you somewhere fast, but whatever it gets you will probably be short-lived, at best.

Good luck. As always, YMMV.

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(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 2:55:01 PM

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I totally agree about him being caught between his religion and me. He actually tried to hook up with someone from clear across the US because he met her on a christian dating site and she told him she was a virgin. She got in a bad car wreck though, so I guess that ended that one. I think that's why he doesn't come over much, He's very attracted to me and trying to fight it because I'm not a virgin lol

(in reply to TheShadows)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 2:59:26 PM

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Women making men chase them doesn't get a long term reaction? Someone once told me that if a guy has to work hard at getting a woman, he sticks around. Maybe they were wrong, who knows? I do plan to start acting like I don't care as much about him though. Will be interesting to see what he does when I barely touch him the next time he comes over lol

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 4:42:28 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Women making men chase them doesn't get a long term reaction? Someone once told me that if a guy has to work hard at getting a woman, he sticks around. Maybe they were wrong, who knows? I do plan to start acting like I don't care as much about him though. Will be interesting to see what he does when I barely touch him the next time he comes over lol

We're not talking about cheap cliches (and no, none of MY men enjoy the "chase me" game whatsoever), we're talking about this realistic situation between a man who has chosen a very strict and serious set of values for himself and is now conflicted with certain feelings.

IMO the best thing to do is
a) talk to him directly, ask him what his true feelings and long term ideas are (you're playing hard to get game reeks of high school immaturity)
b) NOT push him or tease him or put yourself in a position as the "temptress" whatsoever

It would be considered fairly disrespectful to him and his choices. If he wants more and has decided to change his values, he can be a big boy and communicate them, and then act on them as he pleases.

Otherwise, *I* sure wouldn't be the person who not only tempts a man away from his values for a night of nookie, AND the one who has to deal with the conflicted mess afterwards.

After all, if he can be tempted from such supposedly strong values so easily, what makes you think other values can be seriousl trusted? It would just be a huge drama ethical mess all around.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 5:05:37 PM

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Hmm, well go for it then. Be sure and come back and let us know how the scheming trap-em-quick emotional blackmail thing worked out for you. It will be totally cool to tell your grandkids how you used sitcom tactics to lure grandpa into a a lifestyle that completely opposed his basic sense of morality at the time. Go BDSM!!

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 5:18:45 PM

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Just remember. The best way to a man's heart is through his ribcage. LOL

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Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/18/2006 5:20:45 PM

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Well, that depends on which angle you take...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dustyn

Just remember. The best way to a man's heart is through his ribcage. LOL

(in reply to Dustyn)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/19/2006 3:28:33 AM

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Well, I suppose that one could go up through the diaphram and intestinal wall, but that is still a longer path than going between the 4th and 5th ribs. *smirk*

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/19/2006 5:42:54 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

Hmm, well go for it then. Be sure and come back and let us know how the scheming trap-em-quick emotional blackmail thing worked out for you. It will be totally cool to tell your grandkids how you used sitcom tactics to lure grandpa into a a lifestyle that completely opposed his basic sense of morality at the time. Go BDSM!!

i couldn't agree more. LOL.

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/19/2006 8:12:49 AM

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ok, think about human nature.....we want what we can't have......play his game be his friend and date others.....when he asks questions tell him....and when he compairs himself saying, "I've done that".........say yes you did what's your point? that where you stopped.

Bob

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/19/2006 8:19:12 AM

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Do you really want to have to "get" him? I agree with being honest. We do want what we can't have and when we get it, we don't want it.

(in reply to GoreanBob)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/19/2006 1:24:21 PM

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Actually, he was the one that contacted me and was interested in bondage and we have been seeing each other ever since.. He knows his religion is against bondage. One day he brought the subject up and firmly stated that he disagrees that bondage is wrong. As long as there is no sex involved, he is very much into it. So he lured me into it, lol. The myseteious hard to get act seems to be working. I tried it, and all of a sudden he wanted to come over right away. Yay, it's working lol.

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/19/2006 2:13:46 PM

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I totally agree with you. It would be wrong for me to tempt him to do anything against his religion. I think it's sweet that he is saving himself for marriage and that is one of the things I respect the most about him. I would never seduce him into having sex with me. I'm not after a night of nookie. I care far too much for him to ever do that to him. .I just want to increase his desire for me as a person and go from friends with benefits bondage to a relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/20/2006 3:11:30 PM

apb

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Actually, he was the one that contacted me and was interested in bondage and we have been seeing each other ever since.. He knows his religion is against bondage. One day he brought the subject up and firmly stated that he disagrees that bondage is wrong. As long as there is no sex involved, he is very much into it. So he lured me into it, lol. The myseteious hard to get act seems to be working. I tried it, and all of a sudden he wanted to come over right away. Yay, it's working lol.

It sounds to me like he is curious but very conflicted internally about the whole BDSM scene. In my short time of involvement in this life style I have encountered so many people who live a *fantasy* BDSM life it is not even funny. These people are clearly curious and interested but lack the courage and/or conviction to follow through. In this guy's case he is conflicted due to his religious background and, while he can't help being drawn to the life style, probably thinks he will burn in hell if he actually indulges ...

I say move on. Find someone who DOES want to play!

_____________________________

~ apb

"This is who I am - you can like it or not. You can love me or leave me 'cos I'm never gonna' stop."
~ Madonna

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/20/2006 3:21:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I totally agree with you. It would be wrong for me to tempt him to do anything against his religion.

Hmm.. Whats his religion? Maybe I can find a loop hole.. *grins evilly*

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: turning a friend with benefits into more - 4/20/2006 5:06:33 PM

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This whole thing reeks of dishonesty through omission to me. When/if people start acting as though they are not interested in my company, I back off and give them there space. It is not the type of head game that I enjoy or am willing to play.

This just does not sound to me like it is going to be a healthy "let's turn this into more than friends" type of relationship to me.

Have you told him that you would like more?

Just my $.02.

Best,

LaMalinche

Honesty is the only way with anyone, when you'll be so close as to be living inside each other's skins.

(in reply to SimplyV)

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