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seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 3:36:09 AM

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To be frank and open l have had problems with relationships, so as a dom l was successful only in a pro dom enviroment. I enjoyed the interaction of the do me, do me, needs of submissive/slave females....now l enter a relationship and l find a sensitive streak in me, an emotional streak. I opened my heart and expressed my feelings...my sub laughed not in a cruel mocking way...but it made me feel for some reason less then dom..a loss of power..l didnt know how to cope with it..how can you command respect, power over someone if you are feeling emotional towards them...can anyone explain this....lmao don't be too hard on me..or l may just come round and bite ya head off lol

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 3:57:43 AM

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my master and me have a deeply emotional loving relationship if he is telling me somthing difficult about his life or deep feelings i have noticed hes often holding me in a certain way usually very tightly round my head or as i lay naked next to his clothed body. this makes me feel his dom side and means he can tell me things that open him up.

(in reply to xAdamx)

RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 4:09:57 AM

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Are you now afraid of hurting her through 'play' hurt? That is a dangerous feeling, and one that should be worked through.

This is how I think of it. 'That' (the play, the hurt) is what brought you together. Now you want to take that away?

That doesn't make sense, does it? Keep up the hurt and feel your relationship strengthen and deepen.

Jeff

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 4:45:32 AM

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All the talk of trust on BDSM sites is usually about a sub's need to trust their dom/me. What's not discussed is a dom/me's need to trust their sub.

One of two things happened to you, depending on your version of the chicken or egg first theory....

Your sub failed the test of trust.

You chose poorly in trusting her.

Now you have another choice to make....

Focus.

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 5:00:40 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

All the talk of trust on BDSM sites is usually about a sub's need to trust their dom/me. What's not discussed is a dom/me's need to trust their sub.

Focus.

so totally agree master and myself do some councelling work online and i know some peoples feeling about online but both of us have com eaccross this he has helped masters who have had there trust destroyed by subs also i have had to deal with subs who have done this to masters and they jsut dont see it they think they dont ahve any respeonsibility .

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 5:04:58 AM

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quote:

how can you command respect, power over someone if you are feeling emotional towards them...can anyone explain this..

You command respect by leading, by showing discipline, self-control, and principled decision-making. You command respect by maintaining your personal integrity.

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 5:47:31 AM

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I have had a couple of friends mention something like this. One friend said - I don't want to beat her now because I am afraid of hurting her once he had fallen in love with his submissive.

Starting to care for someone can leave you feeling vulnerable and I imagine as a dominant it is about recognising that you can care for your submissive or slave and still be sadistic. Trusting in your knowledge of yourself and them, knowing that the pain and control you inflict or exert is not harming them but is strengthening the bond that you both have and that this common enjoyment is what brought you together in the first place.

smiles....I guess you are finding that you are human.

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(in reply to xAdamx)

RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 6:55:55 AM

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While the majority of opinions here seem to be focusing on a percieved hesitance to play with someone the OP cares for, I don't see that as being the question. If I am incorrect, please feel free to let me know.

What I perceive you to be asking is how you can maintain a role as a dominant and still be emotional and attached to someone. I had to laugh a bit reading this, not because it's funny or because your question is unique, but it is uniquely male in my opinion. If you find someone that views you as less for having emotion, you have found someone that isn't very grounded in reality. I can't speak for all women of course, but I find that vulnerability leads to greater intimacy. I don't have any desire to date/fuck/love a stereotype. I do want to know the entire man. I am more likely to surrender to someone that behaves as a balanced human being with emotions, conflicts, flaws and everything that makes them the person they are than someone parading around as a superhero. I don't follow someone because of the label they attach to themselves, I follow them because of the man that they are. They command MY respect by being open about who they are, how they feel and allowing themselves to be vulnerable and human as well at times.

Having emotions isn't being dominant or submissive, it's being human. We all have them. Why this person mocked you for expressing emotions is beyond me. Of course, we don't know the context of that conversation either. Don't try to "be" anything, just be who you are and find someone that wants to follow that person.

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(in reply to xAdamx)

RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 7:09:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xAdamx

To be frank and open l have had problems with relationships, so as a dom l was successful only in a pro dom enviroment. I enjoyed the interaction of the do me, do me, needs of submissive/slave females....now l enter a relationship and l find a sensitive streak in me, an emotional streak. I opened my heart and expressed my feelings...my sub laughed not in a cruel mocking way...but it made me feel for some reason less then dom..a loss of power..l didnt know how to cope with it..how can you command respect, power over someone if you are feeling emotional towards them...can anyone explain this....lmao don't be too hard on me..or l may just come round and bite ya head off lol

hey there

i dont see this as youre sub mocking you or even of you losing any face with her - what youre doing maybe is feeling exposed and transposing that to being UnDomly - stop it

if she is the fun, loving woman you feel able to open up to then she's not looking to undermine you at all. you need to loosen up on this Domly stuff.

im sure what she wants is for you to relax and be you and if *you* means that you have difficulty in opening up and need her to be sensitive to youre exploratory efforts then thats what you need to tell her. im sure she knows something of youre past too - im sure she wants a loving, caring Dominant.

feeling rebuffed or ridiculed is actually more youre issue than hers - its about YOU not about how to wear youre Domly hat. presumably youre Domly hat is on youre head fair and square, encorporating the slightly sensitive side into the mix isnt being undomly and it doesnt need to be a case of her challenging that. if she does it again then muscle up to it, remind youreself its you being sensitive and her maybe making light of it for whatever reason you probably need to talk to her about. if she thinks Doms arent allowed to be loving and sensitive and it makes her uncomfortable then you need to make it clear youre a human being not an automaton and youre looking for an adult relationship, but to go at it as some sort of Domly issue is silly.

you said youerself youre used to the 'do me' types - so this is new territory.

you know what just be you. if she giggles at you again deal with it as YOU normally would - separating you and youre Dominance is not the way to go. you are a Dominant, therefore, whatever you do to handle whatever situation you come across is you as a dominant type dealing with it.

its a relationship, not a role play.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 8/6/2010 7:17:46 AM >

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 8:15:57 AM

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She may have laughed because she happily found it refreshing that a man would share his feelings.

My owner readily shares his feelings of care and love for me, and I have to say, it causes me to respect and admire him even more than if he were so set on being a "role" that he failed to be who he really is. Be yourself. Express yourself. And the respect will come from those who admire that character in man. You can still be the sadistic SOB you enjoy, but I have to say, rounding it all off with having emotion behind it, just sort of makes it complete, in my eyes.

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 8:31:18 AM

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OP, for many of us the question goes the other way around. How can we trust you, respect you and give you power over us if you don't feel strongly enough about us? If you don't care about someone, then you aren't going to be as careful about what happens to them.

You picked someone with her own problems who is afraid of emotional intimacy. That's sad but it should not change what you do or what you want. Heal from her poking fun at you and next time find someone who does want what you want, which could well be an intensely loving relationship.

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 8:56:16 AM

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There is no doubt in my mind that my Master has emotions.
That does not diminish his ability to lead me.
Nor do his feelings for me.

The way you portrayed your sub's laughter was not one in which she laughed at you.

Emotions are not always neat and sometimes our reactions to things are unexpected.

You are discovering that you are a person with emotions. It is a pretty safe bet that she already knew this.

You don't have to have hard edges to be a Master.

You shared that you have feelings for her and are unsure how that will impact your mastery.

You are the same person you were before.
The only differences are that now you are more self-aware and you are loving someone.
(That seems like an increase and not a decrease to me... .)

Loving doesn't diminish who you are; it can't.
If anything, love adds and amplifies.

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 9:50:20 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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Laughter is a weird thing. It sometimes sneaks up on us, in the most inappropriate times, as a response to deep emotions.

Once, when I was young, a man started drowning in front of me. I was scared and overwhelmed, but guess what? I laughed. Of course I also dove down and got him and pulled him outof the pool, but I only say that so people don't think I'm a sociopath or something! Point is, laughter isn't always an expression of things we find funny. It could be that she just felt this surge of emotion that bubbled up and out in the form of laughter.

Or, she could be an insensitive twit.

I don't know. But, I thought I'd share one possible option.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 10:17:37 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xAdamx
how can you command respect, power over someone if you are feeling emotional towards them

My own opinions...

One does not "command" respect. One is respect-worthy and then those around the person who are paying attention develop respect. So the answer to the first part of your question is the only answer I ever have for gaining respect.... be respectable.

Insofar as "power", I find it quite a bit easier to wield power over another in the presence of emotions. For myself, I find "positional power", eg: power related to your position, rank, title, etc., to be illusory. So I don't feel that I have any actual power whatsoever simply because I am Carol's "master". Nor have I ever let boxes on org-charts (or the lack thereof) been a hindrance in the workplace. To me, power -- real power -- is the ability to influence and inspire others. I personally find this WAY easier to do the more I am engaged with those others.... again, in any context, work or home. For me, the ultimately generic leadership statement is something like:

This is who I am. This is what I believe in. Feel my passion and come along for the ride.

That "passion" part is way easier to deliver when you actually expose your real authentic self... emotions and all... to those you are leading.

That, at least, is how I see it. I've never bought off on the cold, aloof leader stereotype... largely because very, very few successful leaders are actually like that *chuckles*.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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(in reply to xAdamx)

RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 12:50:32 PM

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*FR* It sounds like often times your 'dominance' was based on not the rapport built up with someone over time but seated on the image of yourself you presented up front. That strong, confident, unwavering sort of image.
When they image is not fool proof and indeed, it does HAVE to come down inside a relationship, you find yourself wondering what your dominance is based on as a foundation?

Maybe I'm reading wrong into what you've said but this is how it came across to me. A lot of times we put up a facade of oruselves, or just keep certain parts of ourselves back from the public eye, some parts of us remain private, as it should be. When you let someone into those private parts of your life, and yourself, things change. You can't treat or react to them the same way you would the common public bystandard.

Instead, learn to accept you are falliable, not so serious, and you don't have to be that 'image' all the time for your sub. If you were 'too perfect' how could she connect and relate to you as a human being? she is flawed, so are we all. Being sad, uncertain, dorky, whatever, it's all part of the humanc ondition. Instead build your D/s relationship with her upon the trust you both build up over time, and realize that emotions can enrich your D/s exchanges, not hinder them.

Also, tell her if she laughs at you again you'll beat her ass raw!

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 2:57:55 PM

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Be human first.. and guide with love..

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 3:43:43 PM

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Whew, I always wonder when I come across the 'how can I dominate/hurt her if I love/care for her?' Really, how can you NOT? There are plenty of people who get along just find without love, or deep emotional attachment.

Really I think in this case, part of the problem may be in your very first statement.

quote:

To be frank and open l have had problems with relationships, so as a dom l was successful only in a pro dom enviroment.

The rest of your OP is almost meaningless unless you can identify why this is. Why you have problems with relationships. Could it be handling emotional ties? Self doubt creeping in, possibly due to trust issues?

I'm guessing wildly at this point, because there are just so many possibilities. I do know that when you add emotions into the mix, trust and respect become very important. Doubt can be a killer as well. But trust and respect have to be earned, not simply commanded. At least they do in my world, and that goes both ways.

A girl laughing could be any number of things, as people have mentioned. Did you ask her what was so funny? Or did you freeze up, feel a stab of self doubt, felt like you had suddenly lost control? If so, talking it out might help. Set aside the dynamic for a bit, just two people who happen to like each other.

Just my

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 5:14:15 PM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
You don't have to have hard edges to be a Master.
Loving doesn't diminish who you are; it can't.
If anything, love adds and amplifies.

This is lovely

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RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/6/2010 11:01:05 PM

Zevar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xAdamx

To be frank and open l have had problems with relationships, so as a dom l was successful only in a pro dom enviroment. I enjoyed the interaction of the do me, do me, needs of submissive/slave females....now l enter a relationship and l find a sensitive streak in me, an emotional streak. I opened my heart and expressed my feelings...my sub laughed not in a cruel mocking way...but it made me feel for some reason less then dom..a loss of power..l didnt know how to cope with it..how can you command respect, power over someone if you are feeling emotional towards them...can anyone explain this....lmao don't be too hard on me..or l may just come round and bite ya head off lol

For myself I will say that I do not resist my capacity to feel AND I tend to feel quite deeply I might add. Intensely better describes my capacity to feel. I do balance my ability to feel deeply with reason though. In relating with a lady it is essential to learn her heart language that she presents. A heart connection with a lady serves to deepen the exchange of all that is jointly experienced. The ability to deepen each experience does result from choosing to not fear the natural ability to feel emotions. My strength as a man is increased with my ability to relate emotionally with a lady. Feelings are fluid and pass forth much like deep waters for myself.

However in some instances emotions are viewed as having the ability to weaken dominance. For myself my dominance is enhanced beyond measure when I allow for a heart connection with a lady. This was true between myself and My Lady, who has since passed away. Our love was potent. Amazing powerful exchanges were a common occurrence between she and I. I found that her submissive heart was overflowing with beauty. Her ability to reach my inner most deep feelings was something that I was receptive to. Every action that I experienced with her was something worthy to reproduce. Over time with her I purposed to find a way to learn her heart language. She felt emotions with myself in ways that were uniquely special to her.

However I determined myself to learn all I could about her ability to ignite my desire for her AND not only physically but emotionally. This ability to know of her heart language allowed me to experience her in a way that surpassed anything I had ever known. In thinking of emotions and mastery I realized that my ability to master myself first on an emotional level brought forth from her a deeper desire to yield herself mind, body, heart and soul toward myself.

To date it is true that I would not exchange the beauty that is evident in knowing the heart language of My Lady. Nor would I ever do any less if I were to ever court another submissive lady. When you have tasted of this nectar, or rather the drink of the gods as in Greek and Roman mythology, you learn in a genuine way of the ability of this drink to sustain the beauty indicative in the heart language of a submissive lady. So is it with the succulent nectar which flows freely from the heart language of a submissive lady that is cherished. Indeed it does becomes irreplaceable once tasted, for this gentleman that is.

Take care!

(in reply to xAdamx)

RE: seperation of the emotions - 8/7/2010 2:48:52 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar
.
However I determined myself to learn all I could about her ability to ignite my desire for her AND not only physically but emotionally. This ability to know of her heart language allowed me to experience her in a way that surpassed anything I had ever known. In thinking of emotions and mastery I realized that my ability to master myself first on an emotional level brought forth from her a deeper desire to yield herself mind, body, heart and soul toward myself.
.

zevar, i loved all of youre post and im curious to know what you mean by 'heart language'

the highlighted bit - and this is the same i think for submission. its in submission only that i have allowed myself to become fully exposed, but it came about im sure through my own mastery of my submission and when i realised that i was capable of giving and in fact it was thoroughly expected of me ive gradually un-wound the knot of fear that held me back.

more than ever now im being taught how to completely open up and i realised only the other day that i have opened up so much more and OP it isnt that scary, so long as you own youre emotions and dont expect anyone else to take them on. its possible to share youreself and expose youre fragile pieces and be no less diminished as a result. but it is beholden on you to choose the right person to share them with.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Zevar)

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