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fullofgrace -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/20/2006 7:29:57 PM)
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i have not been in the same situation, but i have been in similar situations in terms of infidelity, and i can tell you that NOT telling him will eventually devastate him. if he DOES find out, which is fairly likely, it will do him a lot more harm than just being straight and talking it out with him.
i would suggest maybe discussing the fact that you wish to look for fulfillment for these needs outside your marriage WITH your husband, and if you are not willing to tell him about what's been going on, then just allude to the fact that you might be interested in looking for someone to serve this role in your life without letting on that you've already explored that. see how he reacts. perhaps tell him you'd like to go to marriage/sexual counseling to discuss the differences in both of your sexual needs...this can greatly strengthen any relationship or marriage, whether or not you're having issues, and it's something i'd recommend to anyone.
another thing to ponder is that submission is not just about what goes on in the bedroom. for example, i could have a purely vanilla relationship and still be submissive to the man i love, whether or not he exhibits purely dominant qualities. consider maybe acting submissively towards him outside the bedroom - for example, spend more time doing things for him that he enjoys, learn about things he's interested in, maybe learn to cook different dishes he likes, something along those lines. submission isn't always about kinky sex, and this might fulfill some of your desires to serve.
i don't understand what you mean by "not really a problem." i'm not judging you, per se, but in general, i think if someone has to seek fulfillment outside of their relationship without their significant other's agreement, it IS definitely a problem. something you might want to consider, and this is advice that i give a lot of friends who are having problems of any sort in their relationship in terms of differences on an issue, is whether or not this is something that's HUGELY important to you. for example, i don't go out with a laundry list of qualities i like to see in a significant other, but i know that i would be unhappy in a relationship that was not 24/7 D/s. that's just not something i'm willing to compromise on. one of my roommates knows that she would be unhappy in a relationship with someone who didn't see sex as an important emotional component. my other roommate knows she'd be unhappy with someone who wasn't completely a pacifist. these are things they won't compromise on. you will probably come to a point where you'll have to decide whether or not having an overt D/s dynamic in your relationship/in the bedroom is more important to you than your relationship with your husband, because, at least imho, it's not fair to him to seek that outside the relationship without his knowledge. it's not necessarily bad if that's something that you won't compromise on - having the D/s aspect of a relationship, that is - but it does mean that there are choices to be made.
i'm just speaking from experience, but NOT expressing these things to your husband is likely to cause MUCH more damage than being open about things, whatever the effects of the latter may be.
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