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Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a social re... - 8/31/2010 2:32:45 PM

Aedh

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/17/2007
Status: offline

Hi. I'm new. ^_^

First off, let me say thanks for any good advice I get, and any abuse, which I know is your way of giving me some tough love. -_-

I'm a young, new dom - young as in 23, new as in zero experience - on or off the field. I realized I had a thing for girls on leashes mainly from watching Pron.

I'm somewhat of a social retard, especially when it comes to the more deadly of the species. There's a lot of reasons for this.
I come from a country which might as well be aamish. I was a uber-nerd in high school (computers not comic-books). After which I spent four years in a college that had a female population in the double digits.

So.. in short, the odds are stacked against me - I'm very new to the scene (literally from another country), have zero sm (or dating) experience and every sub seems to only want someone twice her age.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

be gentle, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. - plato
if you want to be a writer, write. -epictetus

p.s. The lack of dating experience aside, i'm pretty mature, having spent most of the last 5 years living on my own. Even as I say this, I realize how childish it sounds when you're telling people that you're mature.

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 2:35:58 PM

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aedh
every sub seems to only want someone twice her age.

The only good thing about this part is that when you're twice her age, you'll find someone half your age. (Although this whole realm of thought is shallow.)

But hey, it's a three-step program.

1. Figure out what you don't like about yourself
2. Don't get upset and expect people to pretend they don't see it.
3. Fix it.

You're already on step #3 and some people take quite awhile to get over step #2.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/31/2010 2:54:36 PM >

(in reply to Aedh)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 4:36:37 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Dude, you're in Atlanta. Gotta be lots of stuff going on. Turn off the computer and join the local BDSM clubs.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 8/31/2010 4:42:38 PM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Twoshoes)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 4:39:49 PM

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

What Steven said. A lot of the stuff that seems reeeeally complicated on the net is a lot simpler in real life.

Also, a lot of people's online criteria (mine included) go out the window in the face of personal chemistry-something that you only get face to face.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 4:45:12 PM

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Also, a lot of people's online criteria (mine included) go out the window in the face of personal chemistry-something that you only get face to face.

This is true, you never know what will happen!

This also reminds me, my policy is: Assume you won't really like anyone till you actually meet them.
That also takes care of any urges to write innappropriate/distasteful things, I think.

But seriously, atleast the OP doesn't think the whole world should change to accomodate him. He's a step ahead of most of the whiny threads! (step 3)

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/31/2010 5:32:39 PM >

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 4:57:48 PM

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Assume you won't like anyone till you actually meet them

See, I meant more: assume you want whatever it is you think you want, but that'll all go the fuck out the window as soon as you meet someone who really *is* what you want.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Twoshoes)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 5:10:33 PM

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Joined: 7/27/2010
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Our advice can coexist peacefully, I think.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 5:21:37 PM

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From: United Kingdom
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Oh for sure, it just sounded like you were extrapolating your advice from the quote you picked out, which was not saying what you were saying.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Twoshoes)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 5:29:18 PM

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
See, I meant more: assume you want whatever it is you think you want, but that'll all go the fuck out the window as soon as you meet someone who really *is* what you want.

ROFL, that was certainly my experience in meeting Carol. She was everything I was not looking for in a partner. I am SO devoutly grateful that the universe ignored my list and sent her my way anyway.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 5:36:10 PM

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Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
See, I meant more: assume you want whatever it is you think you want, but that'll all go the fuck out the window as soon as you meet someone who really *is* what you want.

ROFL, that was certainly my experience in meeting Carol. She was everything I was not looking for in a partner. I am SO devoutly grateful that the universe ignored my list and sent her my way anyway.

That's great, Jeff! Did the universe create a "chance encounter" from out of a movie?

P.S. I edited my initial post to make it clearer I was agreeing with VC and then adding something I got reminded of. I admit I made a mess out of that initial post.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/31/2010 5:42:42 PM >

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 10:13:41 PM

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Joined: 5/25/2005
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some of us more deadly of the species actually prefer slightly socially awkward uber-nerds.

get out of your comfort zone. meet people. have some fun.

(in reply to Aedh)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 10:15:46 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
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OP Search perhaps online in yahoo groups or on fet for kinky and geeky groups in your area.

You might find you get along with like minded geeks a bit easier to become a bit less socially awkward.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to pissdoll)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 10:39:00 PM

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I don't see anything 'Domly' about not being able to handle oneself in public or a 'social retard' as you call it.

Maybe get those skills in order (public speaking and any other blunders that seem to occur) first before you delve into sub-seeking.

Makes more sense than doing it all backasswards, IMO.

_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 8/31/2010 11:43:06 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

My brain is a bit fuzzy. Let Me get this right.

You're in Atlanta and came online to figure this out? Please say you're kidding.

Go to Aphrodite's Toybox (the main building in the front, not the dance studio in the back) and see if they have any of the following books on the rack:

"SM101"

"The Loving Dominant"

"Screw The Roses (Send Me The Thorns)"

If none of those titles are available, ask the gal behind the counter what they have in stock that she would recommend.

Your social........ deficiencies aren't going to get any better if you don't go out and meet people. Start looking at the munch groups in your area. There are quite a few of them.

Start going to 1763, which is the biggest dungeon in town. There is always a demo during ARM (Atlanta Regional Munch) which is held the first Saturday of the month. Ask what night of the month TNG (The Next Generation) is held. Also, ask if PTP (Personal Touch Parties) are still going on. These are specifically mixed with new folks to a ratio of experience players so folks can have an opportunity to mingle and learn.

In October, DomCon Atlanta will be coming up. This is a three day event that is filled with classes and demos. It's a mix of lifestyle and professional Dominants, but there is a lot you can learn there.

You are literally in one of the best cities in the country to be active in BDSM.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to came4U)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 9/1/2010 1:12:43 AM

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello! (And Welcome)

Trust me, there are plenty of dom dudes on collarme with really, really, limited social skills.

I snooped your profile and, while there are a couple of nits that a grammar nerd like me notices, you don't come across badly at all - You certainly don't seem like a social retard!

And if you're a little nerdy or geeky - as the fantastically sexy (but taken) pissdoll said - there are plenty of girls that go for the brainy, nerdy type.

LadyPact has it wonderfully nailed, with the addition of expert local knowledge - Get out there and mix.

Bear in mind though, that even the most eloquent, sociable and urbane doms sometimes take an age to find someone that likes them and that they like - don't expect it to happen all of a sudden (but don't be too surprised if it does).

I think you'll do fine.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Aedh)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 9/1/2010 3:54:50 AM

Posts: 892
Status: offline

One is what one *thinks* he is...

I think I may look deep within and figure out why you would call yourself a retard...

Who wants to hang with one who has that kind of perception about ones self....

Good luck...retard -L-

(in reply to Aedh)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 9/1/2010 6:15:25 AM

Posts: 167
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline

[/quote]

1. Figure out what you don't like about yourself
2. Don't get upset and expect people to pretend they don't see it.
3. Fix it.
You're already on step #3 and some people take quite awhile to get over step #2.
[/quote]

This is some of the BEST advice that I have seen in a really long time. Unfortunately so many people NEVER get to step 2. They just don't want to fix themselves and then try to blame the other party when relationships don't work out.

Thank you Twoshoes for making my day with this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(in reply to Twoshoes)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 9/1/2010 9:29:38 AM

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
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Re: the age thing, because a lot of the other stuff has been covered. Yes, a lot of subs are looking for D-types who are older than them, especially female subs/male Doms. This is mostly because in order to have leadership skills, one must have experience leading. It takes a lot of trust to give someone brand new to the concept of having power over another person control of your body and - depending on what extent you submit - your day-to-day life. I barely trust myself to handle all the things about me that need to be handled, and I have no doubt that it would take a lot of concentration to handle me, from a Dom's perspective.

So that - combined with a need for intelligence - has me (and lots of other subs) looking for Doms who are at least a few years older than us. That said, 23 is definitely quite a bit older than 18-20 when you're in that general age range, and if you meet up with someone new to submission, you can be gentle with each other and explore what you like with no preconceived notions of how it's "supposed to be." So look to those younger than you and who are into nerds (hint: a lot of us subs are way into nerds), and always always always remember that genuinely listening (and hearing) is more important than any other social or romantic skill.

(in reply to yellowroses)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 9/1/2010 10:06:00 PM

Aedh

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/17/2007
Status: offline

hey, thanks a lot for the sage wisdom guys (and gals).

yeah, i guess it does seem a bit silly to complain about this in atlanta huh..

i know this isn't an excuse, but just to clarify:
i've been neck deep in an extremely brutal grad-school degree for the past year, that i'm trying to finish in half the usual time. that and the fact that i don't have a car here in atlanta, are the primary reasons i haven't taken the chance to explore the city a bit more.
i guess i let being new here intimidate me a bit, which is something i'll correct after december and get out a bit more..

as for the social retard thing - i get along with people just fine (i even have a few friends who aren't just in my head). i just have no idea about how to deal with someone i like.
the last time i had a big crush on someone, i handled it by showing no outward sign that i liked her. for a year. this was me playing it cool.

it's very possible that engineering school has damaged me for life

thanks again for all the advice though ^_^

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

RE: Advise for a new dom who also happens to be a socia... - 9/1/2010 10:41:35 PM

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aedh
i know this isn't an excuse, but just to clarify:
i've been neck deep in an extremely brutal grad-school degree for the past year, that i'm trying to finish in half the usual time.

I used to do that until I burned out (for a variety of reasons) and then just decided to stay up all night and have fun for 2-3 years...

In the end, it would have been quicker if I had "taken it easy", but oh well. I'm intense, no matter what I'm trying to accomplish.

I gained more self-awareness and became interested in various new things like music, dancing, etc. Now, I have to slowly finish university.

quote:

as for the social retard thing - i get along with people just fine (i even have a few friends who aren't just in my head). i just have no idea about how to deal with someone i like.
the last time i had a big crush on someone, i handled it by showing no outward sign that i liked her. for a year. this was me playing it cool.

Well, it's not that hard. Most chicks are really sweet to you unless you're a bona fide "jerk" (and then only if you manage to annoy them sufficiently). Most of the time it doesn't even matter what you do or say - just how you do it.

My only response, till I was about 16, was to blush... I actually have photos of the party where I was blushing at the start and then decided: "Screw this, I'm not going to be embarassed by being called 'cute' and getting pawed constantly. I'm embracing whatever this is and acting assertively." The contrast with the photos at the end is pretty spectacular.

In essence, young women could be literally falling onto your lap and you still have to decided that you're going to do something about it.

quote:

thanks again for all the advice though ^_^

You're welcome. I think it would be helpful if you would stand up straight in your photo.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 9/1/2010 11:07:57 PM >

(in reply to Aedh)

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