Is there a place for "nice guys"?

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Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/4/2010 9:23:39 AM

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I've been involved in online D/s, playing as a dominant, for several years. Not too long ago, another dominant more or less challenged me to take my playing offline, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt that he had a point and that that was what I wanted. So here I am, just starting to feel my way into real life D/s.

But I have to admit that I'm wondering, just alittle. I certainly don't fit the theatrical stereotype of a growling, leather-clad, whip wielding sadist (no offense to the growling, leather-clad, whip wielding sadists on the board). I'm smart, kind, funny and generally soft-spoken, even in the midst of scenes. Also, I'm not into giving alot of pain.

I'm really about psychological tension and control: taking my girls and making them... indecent. Think of the theater scene in "Interview With the Vampire", obviously minus the part where the girl becomes a snack. :)

Obviously, the real answer to my question will be found in putting myself out there and meeting people. But I'm curious to get some experienced perspectives on how common, or not, this sort of take on D/s is. Do non-sadists get taken seriously?

By the way, I've noticed that replies to threads like this often include critiques of the OP's profile. I'm certainly open to sincere comments about mine, either here or via PM.

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/4/2010 9:37:17 AM

poise

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I feel that women would be more apt to take you seriously when you put more focus on the positives of who you are as a man, and those positives should be illuminated by how you carry yourself and interact with others face to face, not by comparing your methods of domination to others. It makes you appear unable to shine in your own light.

"The assumptions we hold about one another put us in little boxes that limit who we can be in each other’s eyes"

< Message edited by poise -- 10/4/2010 9:38:22 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/4/2010 4:38:23 PM

hereyesruponyou

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Sadism is not necessarily a part of D/s. There's no reason at all you have to be mean or cause pain. You just need to find the right person/people who want the other things you have to offer. I happen to enjoy doling out a little pain, but will never be able to do the humiliation thing. Be yourself and you and your partner will be happier

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be

(in reply to poise)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/4/2010 5:14:58 PM

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I agree with poise...everyone has their own style...their own way of dominating/submitting/topping/bottoming. Focus on, or learn, what works for you and don't be concerned with what works for others...unless you're curious and open to exploring something new.

As for your profile...

Think of it as an advertisment and you're the product on display. Accentuate the positive and downplay the negative. Worry less about judging other people and the dynamic they seek and instead explain what you're looking for and what you can offer a prospective partner. Keep this in mind when reading the first part of your profile.

Also, have a look at this.... For men: how to find a woman here

BTW...if you're looking to get offline, have a look at the FAQs Thread. At the bottom, you'll find a link for a site that offer lists of munches and groups in your area...MA has many.

Good luck and welcome!

(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/4/2010 9:58:00 PM

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I think of myself as a person first, a man second, and a Dom third. My Dom tendencies are ruled by myself. I do it my way, which happens to involve "soft" Domination - no blood, no cutting, no heavy stuff, etc. Any compatible woman will mesh with that. I'm not a good match for heavy, experienced players.

OP, you have a style. It's your style. Fnd someone who appreciates it.

As for your profile - delete the first two paragraphs, which tell what you're not and sound dismissive of others. Also, I'd suggest deleting your journal entries because they sound like they describe a voyeur, not someone who is there and hands-on.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/5/2010 1:50:02 AM

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quote:

Do non-sadists get taken seriously?

The "leather lifestyle" community usually takes all manner of BDSM with equal validity, not just the S&M stereotypes. If your current group is giving you an impression to the contrary, I suggest you get out and mingle with new groups or in different areas. There are often cliques that form with an aspect of BDSM in common, like the hetro M/s crowd, the S&M gang, the rope enthusiasts and etc.

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I give good thread.

(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/5/2010 2:48:16 AM

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More important than what you aren't is what you -are-, and finding the right fit.

While it's never too late to learn a new skill set, and expand on your tastes, you shouldn't feel obligated, or pressured to do or be anything in particular. Experience, for its own sake. Not because you have something left to prove.

As for being taken seriously, the best answer I have for that is this -

Stand by your word, don't run away from the consequences of your actions, and never be afraid to ask for help or admit you're wrong.

Anything else you do in the mean time is just background noise.

Hope that gives you some measure of confidence.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/5/2010 10:09:19 PM

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My thanks to everyone who responded.

The point that came across most strongly was that trying to define myself negatively was a mistake. I agree with that and have already edited the beginning of my profile.

Even more important is the fact that you all agree that there is a place in the world of real-life D/s for people who aren't all about pain. It's quite reassuring to hear that from people who know it from their own experience.

Each one of you said something useful and encouraging: Special thanks to BonesFromAsh for the two links included in her post.

I'm looking forward to continuing to learn here.

(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/6/2010 2:25:39 PM

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Folks are going to get tired of me saying this to new folks but here goes again.

Remember, Masculine and Macho are mutually exclusive terms.

The former implies confidence, the latter SCREAMS insecurity.

Which do you think a Dom should be?

(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/6/2010 2:48:57 PM

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I saw an OP posting the other day asking if there were any doms out there who didn't have so much of a focus on pain because of an accident she had been in that made pain intolerable. There are certainly subs out there who are focused much more strongly on the tension that you mentioned and on the service aspects of D/s. I for one certainly don't rank very high on the maso scale. After a point pain is just pain and I'm going to start breaking things to get away from it. As a domme - torture is only uselful if it gets the response I want and then there are things I'm just not going to do because there just isn't any appeal in it to me. You have a sense of the dynamic that you want to build - so trust that. Don't focus on what is stereotypically 'correct'.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/6/2010 9:10:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

Remember, Masculine and Macho are mutually exclusive terms...

Which do you think a Dom should be?

Hmm... Not sure I agree that masculine and macho mutually exclusive qualities. Think of the outlaw biker-gang subculture. Those guys have plenty of machismo, but would you call them unmasculine? I wouldn't. At least not to their faces...

Sorry, I just can't resist a good semantic argument. :)

But to answer the question you actually asked; I'm not in favor of machismo, and it it is not something that I would try to affect.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/7/2010 9:02:39 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

Folks are going to get tired of me saying this to new folks but here goes again.

Remember, Masculine and Macho are mutually exclusive terms.

The former implies confidence, the latter SCREAMS insecurity.

Which do you think a Dom should be?

Well then that would mean folks are getting tired of facing reality.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/7/2010 9:19:19 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuneRune

I saw an OP posting the other day asking if there were any doms out there who didn't have so much of a focus on pain because of an accident she had been in that made pain intolerable.

I just ran across that thread.

Wow.

Three pages of people, both submissive and dominant, affirming that it was perfectly possible for D/s to take a form that was sensual, or based on obedience, without including heavy (or even any) pain. Quite a few even said that that was how it was for them: Dominance Without Pain.

It would appear that I have more company than I realized.

(in reply to LuneRune)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/8/2010 7:47:42 AM

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Yes, you do. Not everyone's a masochist, or a sadist.
And even within that there are varying degrees.
It's all in finding the right "fit" and sometimes this can take a while.

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"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/8/2010 7:52:47 AM

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In my experience, nice-guys-with-a-backbone totally finish first. It's very hard for women to find a man who is genuinely compassionate but still willing to perform unspeakable acts upon her.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyRian)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/11/2010 11:24:33 AM

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The problem I have with your profile is that you appear to be looking for women with serious psychosexual hangups who are not self aware. So what happens after she comes to grips with her deep seated desires? You don't have anything else to do together so you need to dump her and find someone new?

That by itself would make me not want to meet you.

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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/11/2010 9:28:31 PM

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No, really, DesFIP - Tell me how you feel!

Ok, let me be serious, since your question obviously is. I'll start by saying that, although I've been in a number of online relationships, I have NEVER dumped ANYONE.

So what happens? Well, either we eventually become friends, or, one way or another, the girls let me know when they're ready to move on. Sometimes they tell me outright, sometimes they give subtle hints, and then their correspondence sort of peters out. One or two have just stopped writing with no warning, leaving me to wonder what changed. I understand that there's even a name for that phenomenon, these days. It's called "poofing".

One reason why I want to start meeting people offline is precisely because online relationships can be so ephemeral. Not to mention that they're...online.

There's alot more I could say. I could ask how different trying to meet people in this context is from vanilla dating. I could mention that people with "issues" of varying degrees of severity and the need to work on them are not exactly unheard of in the world of D/s, and my impression was that using play to do that was not considered unacceptable.

But let me just say that I don't make it a habit to go around hurting people. In fact, I take more than average care to avoid it. And please note that my profile does say that I want to talk with and get to know people. I really don't think I'm in much danger of winding up behind closed doors with someone I have essentially nothing but sexual desire in common with, because I need to be able to talk to a person in some depth even in order to do far more trivial things with them.

As in any situation where there is the potential for intimacy, there are emotional risks here, on both sides. But trust me, the possibility of my leaving a trail of shattered hearts in my wake is a most unlikely one.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/13/2010 11:58:32 AM

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yeah, plz my yahoo id is [email protected]. interested guyz lets chat

(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/13/2010 3:26:29 PM

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Hey all, long time no posting. ^.^ I took a bit of a vaca from the boards to move, start a new job, finish cooking the "bun in the oven" (which btw is as stubborn as my other half and refuses to come out), but I'm back. The last couple of days I've been laughing at the religion and politics section, but I've been eying this particular thread to see who all might post here. It's good to see that some of the regulars are still around passing out their lovely brand of advise to the newcomers (Des, Bones, DarkSteven, and Resident particularly... hi ^.^). And some people who I can't remember seeing post in the switch boards before, Hi to you all too. ^.^

In response to the OP, I'd have to agree that nice guys with a backbone won't always finish last. The lack of ability to produce and use a set of balls will normally make you entirely unthinkable as a mate for prospective females (ESPECIALLY the subbie kind). Mine is an absolutely amazing combination of masculine strength and bow down and worship my Goddess-like charms. As a switch I am in a preponderant amount of swoon. We don't believe in the 50/50 relationship, sometimes you gotta give more, and sometimes you end up receiving more. Such is life. If you are serious in wanting to look outside the interwebs for BDSM romance I have one really big piece of advice I don't think I've read yet. TAKE IT SLOW, and give yourself a chance to make sure you know what it is that you are really looking for. For me it was someone who was stable and reliable because I can't always be.... a yin for my yang kind of thing. The funniest part about the whole situation is that I've known this guy since Middle School. Took 10 years, a failed marriage, and 2000+ miles for me to figure it out. x.x

Live & learn right?

Best of luck to you DarklySubtle. :D

Lil Bit

_____________________________

i'll try anything once, twice if i like it.

If you wanna know you better ask, and if i don't want to answer i won't.

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(in reply to zedbee09)

RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/13/2010 3:53:56 PM

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Quick hijack.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: Steelslilbit

Hey all, long time no posting. ^.^

No kidding...Good to see ya!

I've been looking forward to reading a post announcing the arrival of that special lil bun.

Hope all goes well.

Okay...back on topic....

DS, the 'take it slow' advice is good. There are times I wish I hadn't been in such a rush to find my fit....it explains so much both past and present.

(in reply to Steelslilbit)

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