CaringandReal
Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Icarys
quote:
Out of curiosity, why do you seem to have a problem with how other people feel and where they set their personal boundaries?
What I guess I have a problem with is someone whining from my point of view or people that in my mind are supposed to be of strong minds letting things like that get to them..
It's logical to think of it as small potatos. But since when are emotions logical?
This intense male hatred and angry repsonses are not a little thing at all if you have a long history of rape, attempted rape, or non-bdsm abuse at the hands of men. The rude sexual responses to a complete stranger, the insane (the ones I get are so extreme that I think the writers are insane) angry retorts and insults and hatemail when she says "no" or "go away please," the repeated attempts to "get" to her, by making new profiles from which you write detailed rants, the creepy stalking that goes on, particularly when a guy finds out something about your past and tries to threaten you/out you with it, tend to remind one of the bad old days when all of this was expressed physically. The more you reveal about yourself, the more honest you are, the more you get treated with hatred, it seems. The guys that I think of as dom in desire only see the profile, think that just because they read it that you belong to them already, and act accordingly, including outraged when you aren't attracted to what they are and refuse to pander to that delusion. If you have a personal photo up, the hate mail increases by a tenfold, which is why I now display a tree instead of me--when I display me at all.
Sometimes men get this treatment, too. I have a male dom friend who hides his charming and brilliant profile because it consistently attracts a very creepy sort of female sub who becomes obsessed by him and cyber stalks him (this type contacts all of his "friends" to try to dig out details about him, tries to determine from casual things he says where he lives and works, and so on; one of them pumped me for information once in a very dishonest flattering way--it was extremely creepy). I don't think men are subject to this sort of behavior nearly as frequently as women though because they never write on their profiles on in message posts complaining about it. They complain about the scammers instead. Back to my friend. He's not hear to pick up subs, he's got his hands full in that area, but he likes to make friends and have entertaining discussions. The chicks who tend to write him are intellectual, but in a bad way, usually, their intellects have made their persoanlities skewed.
It's very werid. This is the only personals site where I experience this sort of thing. Atl.com is fine. The men who write are mostly casual and just want to have sex with me. Big deal, it's a swinger's place and that is to be expected there. But a few are real gems. :) OkCupid, which contains a lot of stealth pervs, is more than fine. I enjoy that place a lot. They have good "outlets" and "busywork" for obsessives that keep them too busy for their normal stalkerish behaviors. ;) Maybe once in a blue moon I'll get some angry ranter, usually just a random drive-by shooting having nothing to do with me. Here, when my profile is on, I get 3-5 per week. 3-5 angry emails, and more frequently they come in even before I've said a single word to them. They just pick something out of my long profile (sometimes the fact that is is long, sometimes the fact that I don't have a photo up) and go ballistic on me. I've gotten long emails from total strangers scolding me and accusing me of being an arrogant stuck-up twit for having a long profile. I think I have a long profile because I am trying to communicate, as accurately as I can, what I am, the bare minimum I need to be happily enslaved, and also give an idea of the huge amount of stuff I don't need but that many consider essential. I'm not trying to show off, I'm writing in my natural style, but a certain sort of anti-intellectual always assumes I'm trying one-up him with my words.
I do have problems with male anger. My childhood was full of it and I've never gotten over the intimdation and fear of men due to it. I am very timid, even after all these years, as a result. So the toxic environment here can be very hard to deal with. My feelings get hurt...a lot and I start to blame myself and wonder what i am doing wrong to cause all these men to hate me.
...
And then I read a thread like this and it's an enormous relief because I realize I'm not the only one to whom this happens and maybe I am not so awful and despicable after all. As I said earlier in this thread, I absorb, like a sponge, anything that comes at me. I have very few emotional defenses. They would have been counterproductive to have in my last relationship, and I think they will be counterproductive in a future one, so, since they've been so thoroughly rooted out of me, I maintain the weeding: I do not allow them to take root. So I try to set up other kinds of defenses. Some days I'm so weary of the mail and fearful of what will be in it that I'll delete everything on my screen that is unread because I cannot face what might be in them. :( That's my best defense it seems: if I don't read it, it can't hurt me. I know very well I could be throwing out the very rare wonderful contact email that way, but sometimes I'm just too weary/shocked by it all to care. I also am very careful to read the profile first before opening an email. Sometimes I can guess by what the profile says that this person enjoys randomly spewing hatred and has descided that women on here are The Enemy, but not always.
Collarme, I'm sure, has its male dom gems too. I very occasionally see a profile that is so good it floors me. But that's another bizarre thing about this place: it's often the men with perfectly fine profiles who write the most hateful things in their first emails. This makes me very wary of writing any profiles I like for fear, not of rejection--I don't see imcompatibility as rejection--but of hate being poured at me because I had the gall to write them.
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"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo
"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris
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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 
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