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RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 3:49:21 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
Well, shoot. Now I have to update my interests/hobbies on my Facebook page.

*laughs*

And hey, even if we all did agree that D/s was a part of BDSM it wouldn't change anything. I could list off a handful of very different definitions for the words "dominance" and "submission". We wouldn't see so many "true" threads if there was any agreement on the words.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 3:57:21 PM

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As my first dom got sicker, the pain play decreased, to non-existant. Our relationship didn't change - he was dominant, and i was submissive, and on the days when he felt bad enough to be beyond domination, i behaved as i believed he would want. I was still submissive, and because of this experience, i have come to believe that i could be in a D/s relationship without pain.

My current relationship involves pain play, but what gets me going sexually with him is his domination, not his ability to swing a cane. So, surprisingly, because with my first dom, i was a total pain seeker, i think a no pain relationship would be possible for me. And if for me, why not you? OP.

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 4:55:11 PM

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I think partially you may be seeing pain lovers in the profiles because you are focused on it, and for good reason. I hope your recovery is going well! The other part of what I see is that there are fads in male dominant profiles. Things that come and go. Saying one is a sadist, even an extreme sadist, is right now faddish for some reason, so we're seeing that in more profiles. It doesn't mean necessarily that all of these men want this. Another current fad is the hypnotism thing. That''s like the Armani suit for male doms on collarme this year! :p

Although I like pain, I'm an old pro at using the keyword field in searches, so I did a few tests for you and found some winners.

When you keyword, keep your deomographics as wide as possible if you can. For example, this search turns up a lot of non-pain doms:
male, dominant, straight, seeking female submissive, any state, any age, Keywords or City: not a sadist.
Don't put it in quotes. Just type those three words in the box and see what turns up.

Another productive search phrase: light pain

Another keyword for this is "sensual." Once in a while you turn up a "sensual sadist" but mostly this word is used to indicate he's more into other things besides pain.

Fourth keyword: mental. This word turns up in a lot of contexts, some of them rather amusing, but it's often used to indicate "not so much into administering pain." For a narrower search with more appropriate results, do mental domination. It's a real good phrase for turning up dominants with the mindset you are looking for.

Fifth word to try: daddy. This used to be a sure bet for avoiding sadists, but due to this year's fad, a good number of daddies are claiming sadism as their birthright too. Still you'll turn up more daddies not into administering pain than you will masters.

There are dozens of other ways dominants communicate this, but I wanted to give you a quick idea of how many there are out there who are not doing the sadist thing. I'm sure you can find other key words to search with.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 4:56:28 PM

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JBC,
First, welcome back. Glad you're doing well.

Now to the issue at hand. Certainly it is possible to have a D/s relationship without pain. That is what I am into. Power exchange is my kink. I don't find pain to be the least bit erotic.

I've been openly practicing D/s for almost 20 years, and I have been in relationships with many Dommes. All of them seemed to find my service to be satisfactory, even though pain play was not a part of our relationship.

IMO, S&M can be a part of a D/s relationship, but it is not the SAME as D/s. To me, D/s and S&M are related in the same way that oral sex and intercourse are related; they are often found in the same place, and one can definitely enhance the other, but they are totally different things.

If I have been successful finding Dommes who would provide the type of relationship that I sought, then I believe you can/will be equally successful finding a Dom who will be happy to provide the type of relationship that you are seeking.

Note: I did not attempt to find the PERFECT analogy. I was simply trying to illustrate a point. I think the analogy that I chose did that. So please don't bother telling me that the analogy that I chose was imprecise.. This is not the SAT Exam, and I had no desire to try to create a better analogy. As long as JBC understood my point, then I am content. Thanks.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 5:35:39 PM

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DAMN empassive. You ARE a keyword pro!

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to empassive)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 6:09:29 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

Possibly I wouldn't be considered a "true submissive" by many... but my reality is that if I admire, respect and love you enough to be in a relationship with you... then you are the boss and the care and attention I put into making your life as good as it can be, of being nurturing and supportive of the decisions you make in our lives, of being yours... Isn't that enough?

Greetings jbcurious,

One of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves is embracing the real beauty that lurks beneath social programming and defense mechanisms. Oftentimes what we identify as real is really a projection of what we wish to do or become. The alternative is unsettling and we vehemently deny it. Submission at its root simply implies your willingness to give of yourself without expectation or demand. It can encompass the mundane from offering a kind greeting to a would be stranger to performing acts of service to benefit your partner. When we seek to place limitations or narrowly define submission we hasten its growth.

For some, pain is an expression of yielding. However, what is pain? We're all familiar with the physical sort, but I would posit that the mental and emotional aspects are often deeper and more far reaching. To suggest that you aren't a recipient simply because the physical is lacking fails to account for its other manifestations. We feel and process those responses differently. Cathartic experiences needn't come about by the wielding of a whip, but usually require an internal component that cannot be seen by the naked eye. As such, don't discount your appeal or capacity to have both. Time heals. It always does.

In the meantime, celebrate the woman you are and the other aspects that are coming into fruition while you recover. Fear and uncertainty are wonderfully transforming if we're willing to endure the discomfort. And while one element of expression bears no appeal at present, the others have vaulted to the forefront encouraging you to take notice and challenge the ideologies formed. You'll come to learn that real submission is a continual state of becoming versus doing, being, etc. As you open your mind to heightened awareness you'll discover that the only barriers on your ability to submit are the ones you place upon yourself.

I wish you peace during your recovery. It is my sincerest hope that you glimpse your sacredness and welcome your time in the chrysalis.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 6:51:45 PM

FredW

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The misconception is that there is one universal concept of the D/s lifestyle. Domination can take many forms. Although most of us would consider pain a part of it, it would not have to. Personally, I consider pain part of it for me, but could see a D/s relationship where pain was not involved. It would definitely be non-traditional. Good luck, and I hope you can find the right Dom to enjoy that.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/6/2010 2:27:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

DAMN empassive. You ARE a keyword pro!

I'm impressed too!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/6/2010 4:43:56 AM

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...and more good information and comments, I appreciate the input and know that it will be a difficult search to find the Dom that is right for me. I've narrowed the field by not wanting additional physical pain to be a part of my life and by the fact that I wear my my scars on the outside in plain view.

It's funny, I don't feel any less attractive or sensual... probably because my face and torso escaped damage but I'm also realistic enough to realize the scars will be a turn off for many. It doesn't make me an "easy target" though... my hopes and expectations of what I want from a D/s relationship remain the same.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/6/2010 9:35:16 AM

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hugs JB (sappy bit over)

it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that S&m was the expected norm, though ive come across plenty of Dominants who were more into bondage and sexual submission than S&m, they are out there - but i know what you mean. you rake down the list of likes and loves and theres almost always something in there, but it doesnt have to be painful pain, if you know what i mean, sensual stimulation through soft impact is more than possible. i do think there are alot of guys out there who arent actually into subjecting their sub to huge amounts of pain and are only into sensual, erotic pain (which is entirely different.

i have certain areas of my body that really are off limits on the pain front, breasts and cunt basically - i cant take pain there. i cant be canned on my back either, i cant breathe, its horrible - but i long ago lost the feeling that i was less of a sub because of that - its just me. doesnt mean i cant take soft impact play in those areas, but heavy pain, no way!

you are such a beautiful, gawjus (to pinch VC's spelling) amazing woman and sappy bit coming up (brave and strong after what youve been through i can only admire you even more!) - whoever you find will be a lucky lucky guy.

xxxx

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/6/2010 9:58:47 PM

takemeforyourown

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I love to be dominated. Most of the time it isn't painful at all, I'm just not the one in charge. I'm glad you are healing. Be well!

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/7/2010 3:02:02 PM

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quote:

As some of you who know me are aware, I was in a gas explosion a few months ago. As I've been healing, I've started lurking and browsing through the site and more and more what I notice is the emphasis placed on pain. The level of pain that I have experienced in the past few months and what I go through daily makes me think that I could never voluntarily accept pain, that it could not be a part of a successful relationship for me.

I rarely come across a profile that doesn't list canes and crops in the" lives for" or" loves" category. So many of the profiles I read use terms like "use and abuse" "pain slut" etc. The emphasis of what so many people seem to be looking for is based on what a sub will accept from her Dom, to what lengths she will go to prove her submissiveness to him... and I have to ask why?

Possibly I wouldn't be considered a "true submissive" by many... but my reality is that if I admire, respect and love you enough to be in a relationship with you... then you are the boss and the care and attention I put into making your life as good as it can be, of being nurturing and supportive of the decisions you make in our lives, of being yours... Isn't that enough?

jbcurious,

Of course it is, many just fill in spaces for effect!

CP

While getting blown up has changed me in some ways... it hasn't changed the fact that for a relationship to be successful for me, I need a man who deserves to be in charge but have to wonder if that is even a possibility without the ability to endure pain.

I appreciate all your thoughts and comments on this... and don't get all sappy on me!

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/7/2010 3:43:56 PM

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I have also been through an accident where the pain I suffered was astronomical, I still shudder thinking about what I went through, although I was in ICU and on a mixture of morphine and other drugs to dull the pain but the pain was still there, not letting me sleep, there was just no peace.
I am an extreme masochist.....the difference is that what I do now is controlled, the pain now doesnt even come any where near the pain I suffered then....there is no comparison.
I can say NO now if the pain is too much.....the pain I suffered 12yrs ago (I still have some pains associated with that accident) I couldnt say no to.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/7/2010 5:59:33 PM

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I'm very, very sorry to hear about all that happened to you, and I hope you are finding ways to get past the trauma. As for your question, in my opinion, submission has nothing to do with pain. It's its own concept. You know those overlapping circle graphs? Well, yes, submission overlaps with pain a bunch of the time, and a lot of people associate the two, but it also doesn't overlap a bunch of the time. They're different circles on the graph.

What is submission, exactly? There's not really a universally agreed upon definition, but the closest - I think - is a desire to follow another person's lead, whether their lead is forceful or gentle. Personally, I am at the very, very beginning of exploring very light pain as an option in my submission, and I would say that it's just something erotic and powerful for my Dom to do. It has nothing to do with how I drop psychologically, or how much I want to please, or how I feel when I obey an order. I tend to roll my eyes when someone implies that you have to like this or that to be submissive - it's not a list of required offerings, it's a sexual and psychological need. And it's unique for every sub.

(in reply to femasoslave)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/7/2010 6:12:45 PM

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I don't have to hurt someone to recieve their service. I have a few fetishes that are seen as extreme (I like knives) and I make allowances for the fact that that is pretty extreme. I always tell people that I like sensation and response, and I can leave the knives in the bag if it's not something that works for them. I'm not monogamous; I have multiple relationships, so I can do heavy pain and extreme stuff to someone else, and just recieve service.

And I am walking on a dislocated bone. I know pain. However, I also have lots of healing bite bruises under my clothes from last weekend. I don't dislike ALL pain....

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I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

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RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/7/2010 11:02:42 PM

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Again, the levels and tastes of those into kink vary extensively. You may be in to pain all the time, never, or just with particular people.

You may like physical pain or emotional pain; or neither. None of that makes you not submissive or Dominant for that matter.

I understand the OP to a degree. I have not had the extreme situation that she thankfully survived, but the more external pain I have in my daily life, does make me crave more sensuality and caring affection than normal. I like rough play, but have never been a masochist, even though I behaved as one in my last relationship. I still question how I could have put up with that.

I will never consciously choose a sadistic partner, but instead one who shares my views on D/s and BDSM.

I may not be every Dom's type of sub, but that is fine for me as most Doms are not my type either.

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/8/2010 1:31:56 AM

ranja

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He did not use to hurt me on purpose/ sexually physically... we were a 'normal' sort of old fashioned couple... things were not going good though we seemed to have lost our connection somewhere and i was quite frustrated and uppity often.
Since we have started this pain game everything runs much smoother in our household. He hates pain but is quite willing to subject me to some, and whereas i hate having a headache, i respond very nicely to short sharp pains like slaps or pinches, safe for the odd miscalculation sometimes it works a treat
i suppose if i did not respond well to pain He would not subject me to any....
i have to say i respond very well to nice soft caresses and kisses too, but often i seem to want to feel more and deeper and i think for Him slapping and pinching actually comes more natural than the softy softy stuff
For us although we obviously live our marriage 24-7 the whole BDSM aspect is much like a game, we have fun with it... mostly

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/8/2010 4:01:06 PM

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I never hurt anyone who didn't enjoy it.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/19/2010 1:54:18 AM

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I personally am much more into mental submission... though, I am not particularly disobedient to begin with, and so would not require much punishment. What I seek out of a D/s relationship is to be treated as an adored and cherished thing, and in return offer my complete devotions to a partner who has earned that from me through a kind firmness, if you will... I believe my views somewhat coincide with that of the original poster's in that respect.

That said, I certainly think it's possible to have a relationship wherein one partner 'controls' the other without pain being necessary.

(in reply to jbcurious)

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/19/2010 4:16:06 AM

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Its great to see you posting again jb :) your a star xxx

I haven't read the rest of the posts so I apologize if I'm just saying the same old thing.

There are plenty of D/s couples out there that are not into pain in any way and the right man is waiting for you somewhere. If you want the D/s without the S/m then its only a problem for those wanting to do the S/m stuff too.

Huggs

Maria

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to jbcurious)

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