RE: Inexperienced Dom here.

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wandersalone -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/2/2010 10:18:48 PM)
OP your profile and postings are filled with a lack of confidence and this will not reflect favourably on you when people are reading your posts and profile. maybe take some time to get to know yourself better and ask yourself some questions. Why do I believe that I am a dominant? What are the behaviours of the type of dominant I would like to be Can I be more assertive and self-confident without becoming boorish and domineering? What are the traits in a submissive or slave that will best match my style of dominance? There are a lot of people who don't want a dominant who punishes them for no reason or sets tasks just for the sake of giving them something to do and there are a lot or people who like the gentler style of D/s, or prefer to focus on the psychological aspects of control. It is ok to be like this. You also mention in your profile that you were never content in a past relationship which is yet another sign to me that you would benefit from taking some time to figure out yourself and what drives you to explore bdsm and why you didn't feel satisfied in your last relationship. smiles.... it is frustrating but seriously, don't be in such a rush to run before you can crawl. Work on knowing yourself and on becoming the type of dominant you would date (if you were a female) Let us know how things go

DarklySubtle -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/2/2010 10:43:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: January Hi Daegon, As I recall, you are looking for online only. The advice you're getting "to be yourself" may not be valid for this situation. As someone who has had a number of online subs I have to disagree with this. Yes, there's certainly more that you can do with someone when you can be in the same room with them, but the dynamic is the same online or over the phone. Very few people are such good actors that they can get away with pretending to be something they're not for very long. And why in God's name would you want to try? I've found that my best strategy for attracting compatible partners is to have a profile that accurately portrays the kind of subs and relationships I'm looking for, and then to post in threads where I have something relevant and interesting to say. Doing that both fleshes out your identity on a site and gives you, so to speak, a higher profile, so that people can get a pretty good idea of what you offer BEFORE they decide to contact you. Saves an awful lot of frustration in the long run. I do agree that during online or phone play it's fine to experiment with fantasies that you might not really want to try in real life. But make it clear that that's what you're doing, and run like hell if a sub doesn't seem to be clear on the difference. And please don't experiment with being harsh if it either doesn't feel natural to you, or feels like you're treating your partner unfairly. The word that I would choose to describe someone who does such things is not "dominant". And you really don't want to get involved with the kind of submissive who would respond positively to such treatment.

January -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/3/2010 6:47:35 AM)
quote: Very few people are such good actors that they can get away with pretending to be something they're not for very long. And why in God's name would you want to try? I believe online domination is pretty much all pretend. On both sides. The dom isn't the only one acting. The sub is, too. But if both sub and dom are fulfilled by this connection, why not experiment? That, of course, assumes there are no scary-nutty folks participating. January

DMFParadox -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/3/2010 3:16:11 PM)
Learn humor. Really, it's that important.You attend university, there's plenty of research material to look at. It's a fascinating subject. And just knowing how it all works will make you hate the game less.

Nineveh -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/3/2010 3:53:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: January quote: Very few people are such good actors that they can get away with pretending to be something they're not for very long. And why in God's name would you want to try? I believe online domination is pretty much all pretend. On both sides. The dom isn't the only one acting. The sub is, too. But if both sub and dom are fulfilled by this connection, why not experiment? That, of course, assumes there are no scary-nutty folks participating. January There's nothing wrong with a scary nutty person on the other end of an internet connection. If the relationship is online only, with no intention of it becoming face to face I'll happily play with a scary nut (and have) or for that matter a man pretending to be a woman, so long as he is good at it.

TreasureKY -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/3/2010 3:58:37 PM)
DaegonNeo, You've received quite a bit of good advice here. Unfortunately I can't offer you anything in regard to online domination and submission, but I can offer you some help in perhaps finding your own style. My own dom posted the following some time ago: quote: ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY quote: ORIGINAL: LordODiscipline - - - I was wondering what book (not most influenced you, but) has had influence on you (as a dominant and/or a submissive) that was unusual in regard to it not being 'directly related' - but, that you found poignant to your life and how you live it as a dominant/submissive/switch/outlet. Looking for a title, an author, and a reason - Title: Looking Out for Number One Author: Robert J. Ringer Mass Market Paperback: 352 pages Publisher: Fawcett; Reissue edition (September 12, 1985) ISBN: 0449210103 Original Publication: 1977 TOC: 1. Looking Out For Number One 2. The Perspective Hurdle 3. The Reality Hurdle 4. The People Hurdle 5. The Crusade Hurdle 6. The Financial Hurdle 7. The Friendship Hurdle 8. The Love Hurdle 9. The Starting Line Partial Amazon Review: Reviewer: David H. Downing (West Chester/Exton, PA) As others -- including Ringer himself -- have said, this is NOT a book about disregarding the rights and feelings of everyone but yourself. In fact, according to the principles presented in the book, such disregard is ultimately self-defeating. This book IS about having a realistic understanding of what motivates everyone including yourself. Like it or not, people want to make the best deal they can make for themselves -- which means if you believe everyone has a moral/ethical obligation to respond to your needs, you'll constantly be disappointed, frustrated, hurt, and a prime target for every con artist with swamp land to sell. How many people do you know who are bitter and angry over life not giving them a better deal -- but who have never given anybody any reason to offer them one? Conversely, if you go through life determined to show everyone how totally selfless you are, you'll also constantly be disappointed, frustrated, hurt, and a prime target for every con artist with swamp land to sell. How many people do you know who are bitter and angry over all the "totally unselfish" things they've done that have gone unrecognized and unrewarded -- and who might be better off and better liked if they'd acknowledge the hidden price tag? Reason: I bought this book the year I got out of High School, and was one of my first introductions to concepts that I had observed but didn't have a coherent framework to hang it all together. It's a book about philosophy, but isn't about philosophy. Very easy to read and comprehend, and funny as hell in places. I think the biggest impact that it had on my life was the cold/slap-in-the-face realization that I was responsible for myself, my life, my relationship, my failures and my successes. For a young man who is interested in "being a dom", I think it gives a framework about individual responsibility that is simply hard to beat anywhere else, without being preachy or boring, or lost in a bunch of psychological mumbo-jumbo. Ringer has several other books which I've not read, except for his famous "Winning Through Intimidation". I actually read it first, and it's a good lead up to the more complete "Looking Out For Number One", and gives you a good handle on how other people use intimidation, emotional blackmail and all those other "techniques". A few Amazon extracts: If you've ever found yourself coming out on the short end of the stick, you'll appreciate the rewards that can be yours when you take the initiative in every area of your life.... this ... explains in candid terms what intimidation is, why you become intimidated and how you can avoid the mental lapses that can cause you to fall victim to intimidation. and Imagine my surprise to find that "Winning Through Intimidation" (which is a misnomer, "Winning Through Not Letting Yourself GET Intimidated" is a more appropriate, if less colorful, title) is filled with great fundamental, common sense advice for anyone ... and Then along comes Robert Ringer with this classic book. Unlike all the other success books I have ever read, this book tells it like it is. Ringer points out in this book that whether you and I like it or not, the world of business is not played on a nursery school playground. It is played in a brutal jungle where the name of the game is to finish with the most chips (money) in your lap. You either accept this reality and play the game to win,or get out of the business game altogether. Ringer also takes on the two cornerstones of most success books--"postitive thinking" and "working hard". Ringer's philosophy demolishes these two traditional theories. If you're used to positive thinking, new-age, give and give to the other person and hope you're going to be paid in the end kind of book, then Winning Through Intimidation isn't for you. However, if you're tired of losing, buy this book and read it ten times. Reason: This book opens up your eyes to how others will attempt (and often succeed) in manipulating you to get what they want. It gives you a framework to handle those people, and techniques to avoid being someone elses non-consenual "plaything". Again, I think any young dom would benefit from learning these things. quote: ORIGINAL: LordODiscipline - - - In the same regard, what schooling or training have you had which influenced your thinking in regard to who you 'are', how you perceive the world and deal with others and how you approach your place in a relationship. Ranger School. FirmKY Hope this helps! Best Wishes, Treasure

DarklySubtle -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/3/2010 9:32:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: January I believe online domination is pretty much all pretend. On both sides. There are more than a few people who would object to having their relationships characterized in those terms. Some people meet their match online and continue the relationship that way simply because both parties have lives that they cannot easily leave. Others may begin experimenting with D/s online, but that doesn't mean that they're pretending: It's perfectly possible to give and receive instructions either online or over the phone, and people do. I'm not saying that there's NO pretense - Nineveh's experience is clearly to the contrary - but I have had the proof of submissives appearing on webcam and following my instructions as I gave them, and I have also given assignments to subs who later sent me detailed reports about how the tasks went and what feelings came up during the tasks and afterwards. It all seemed real enough to me.

January -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/4/2010 1:47:18 PM)
quote: It all seemed real enough to me. I didn't say online was fake. I never said it wasn't real. I said it's pretend. That means that it takes a lot of imagination and skill to pull it off. And, given your earlier statement that you've done online with many subs, I'd say your relationships are not especially long-lasting. Which also doesn't mean they aren't real. But the pretend can provide only so much satisfaction, for only so long. Here the brain is the ONLY sexual organ. And online really, really requires super-dooper consensuality. It's just so easy just not to turn on the cam. January

Madame4a -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/4/2010 6:02:32 PM)
As a lot of folks have said.... yet again, I'll say... be yourself... don't pretend, its very hard to keep up.. .finding yourself, BDSM or otherwise is a huge undertaking so go carefully and take your time. As I read this whole thread... I was thinking... you know.. maybe you're just not a Dom ... maybe not a bottom or submissive... but to walk in, brand new and announce.. I'm a Dom... well, I think Raven Muse said it best.. you are or you aren't... its usually there and then needs to be teased out, refined, fed and nurtured... and yes, maybe taught a few things.. but you know.. you might not be...

tazzygirl -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/4/2010 8:16:44 PM)
quote: I believe online domination is pretty much all pretend. On both sides. The dom isn't the only one acting. The sub is, too. But if both sub and dom are fulfilled by this connection, why not experiment? That, of course, assumes there are no scary-nutty folks participating. January While you may believe as you wish, and some may be pretend, not all do. Please keep in mind some can take that to very real prospects.

DarklySubtle -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/4/2010 10:17:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: January I didn't say online was fake. I never said it wasn't real. I said it's pretend. Ok, there's nothing I love more than a good bout of hair-splitting. But I hope you won't be surprised if some of your readers find a distinction as fine as "I didn't say it wasn't real, I said it was pretend" (my paraphrase) to be a bit obscure. I will conceed that online play can involve some roleplaying, but that is true of in-person play as well. For example, a real-life scene might consist of a Dom playing a sadistic SS officer and his sub playing a captured member of the French Resistance. They are of course pretending to be their characters, but no one questions that what is happening is a real act of D/s (or BDSM, in that case). In the same way, I might use roleplaying during an online or phone scene, but my sub's obedience to my instructions makes that scene just as real as the other, in D/s terms. quote: ORIGINAL: January Which also doesn't mean (your relationships) aren't real. But the pretend can provide only so much satisfaction, for only so long. In general, I agree. That is why I'm moving into real-life D/s; because I'm hoping to find some longer-lasting relationships and also have the chance to take my subs deeper than I've been able to take tham online. But, again, there are people in long-term committed online relationships who would contest your statement. quote: ORIGINAL: January Here the brain is the ONLY sexual organ. Actually, pretty much all the usual sexual organs come into play. They're just stimulated a bit differently. :) quote: ORIGINAL: January And online really, really requires super-dooper consensuality. Well, it requires super-duper cooperation, (There we go splitting hairs again!) since the sub has to enact the Dom's every instruction instead of simply being their object. But you're right in the sense that, during at least most online scenes, it's pretty unlikely that anything will happen to the sub that he or she doesn't consent to. quote: ORIGINAL: January It's just so easy just not to turn on the cam. January True. But fortunately some girls* DO turn on their cams. The Web would be a drearier place without them. *And guys, of course.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/5/2010 12:42:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DaegonNeo Plenty of you guys saw how the community jumped on me when I was being a hard-ass, and unyeilding. So, I adjusted my attitude, and kept trying. Did you change because they said to or did you change because you wanted to? What style makes you HAPPY? Do THAT. Master Fire

January -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/5/2010 12:46:20 PM)
quote: While you may believe as you wish Thanks for your permission to have an opinion, tazzy. I was pretty clear that my posts were what I believed. January

SpaceSpank -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/5/2010 12:56:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse You don't learn to BE a Dom.. you either are or your not... if you are then you can learn to express it better, gain experience in it, cope with the problems of dealing with submissives better... but if it isn't in you to start with then it will never be who you are. Top... different matter, you could train a chimp to be a Top... actually from some of the Tops I've seen, maybe that's already happened, just they need better training First task for anyone new... learn who you really are, not just who you would LIKE to be. While I think this is true, there is a great deal of posturing about how some people think a Dom should act. Many people seem to assume a Dom is a raging, kick ass, no nonsense hardass who won't compromise on anything. While that may be true for some Dom's it certainly does not need to hold true for all. I echo the advice here of finding what kind of Dom you are and sticking with it. Not every sub works with every Dom and vice versa. If you try and fit every sub's mold of the perfect Dom, you are just letting them top you from the bottom as it were and are not really asserting yourself at all.

OneMaster4You -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/5/2010 9:43:14 PM)
Rather than trying to adjust myself to someone ...I find it important to find someone to adjust to my desires...after all isn't that what a submissive is here for ...to find someone to guide them. Different strokes for different folks ...find the one who can relate to who you are...this way no resentment can be developed ...be yourself ...if you are truly a dominant/alpha person then this will surely show in your actions ... if a person has difficulty being alpha ...then I would say ...you're not.

tazzygirl -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/5/2010 11:35:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: January quote: While you may believe as you wish Thanks for your permission to have an opinion, tazzy. I was pretty clear that my posts were what I believed. January Oh you are quite welcome! [:D] You are also free to be seen as judgemental in such issues as well. [;)]

Twoshoes -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/6/2010 12:15:57 AM)
Oh, you two! Clearly, a case of submissives failing to assert their will upon eachother. I'll kindly give you the step 3-step method. 1) Be respected. 2) Be funny. 3) Lead by example. 4) Don't be hostile or insecure. (Counting is a lost art, really.)

angelikaJ -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/6/2010 12:24:48 PM)
You are inexperienced for one reason: you haven't had much experience.... yet. At some point in time, even the most experienced Dom/Master/Top was inexperienced. My Master was at some point. He is a wonderful Master. I am very fortunate. It is more than he gives the order and I obey. He inspires me to want to obey. I am a submissive woman, but there is a specificity to my submission: I want to submit to this man. This man, my Master, knows my mind and heart and I am his. But once upon a time some 25 or so years ago, he was a beginner just like you. And some 22 months ago, we were new to each other... . Welcome to the journey.

tazzygirl -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/7/2010 1:47:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Twoshoes Oh, you two! Clearly, a case of submissives failing to assert their will upon eachother. I'll kindly give you the step 3-step method. 1) Be respected. 2) Be funny. 3) Lead by example. 4) Don't be hostile or insecure. (Counting is a lost art, really.) You can kindly keep your method. [:D] But i will be kind enough not to tell you where to keep it. [;)]

fellowtraveler -> RE: Inexperienced Dom here. (11/8/2010 6:15:46 AM)
I believe I understand you. Right now, you are struggling to find a submissive to help define you as a dominant. Toward that end you are willing to mold yourself to the image desired by the submissive. It is a slippery slope and one that is the product of youth. Actually, like everything else in your life, you are trying on a bunch of hats until you find one that fits you. That is normal for your age. I envy you in a big way. When I was 19 I did everything to deny my dominance, rebelled against it because I believed that all the girls wanted a guy who was egalitarian. Eventually (like when I was thirty-ish) I figured out that it mattered not a damn what MOST women wanted or needed. I needed to be who I was... and then I found out that women liked me better because I knew who I was. Its kind of a vicious circle catch-22 kind of thing. Where I am headed here is that eventually you will realize that what one person thinks is a head-strong asshole, another considers a great guy. Don't try to be what women, submissive or otherwise want you to be. Be who you are and then look for that one woman who actually likes who and what you are. Try to be empathetic and caring but don't sell your own needs and desires down the river. Oh, and another thing.... you really don't know all their is to know and you don't have to. Before you contact any more submissive women, do some serious and realistic soul-searching and figure out who you are and what you really need and want. Then look for someone who needs and wants what you are. Don't try to mold them into your image of a perfect submissive and for God's sake, don't try to mold yourself into their image of a perfect dom. I suspect that you actually are a pretty good guy.

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