Bringing out her dominant side?

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Bringing out her dominant side?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Bringing out her dominant side?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 12:11:58 PM

YSG

Posts: 1001
Joined: 8/6/2010
Status: offline

Ok Im in need of a little help here please.

This vanilla girl Im seeing... Shes a wonderful gal, first and foremost. Shes sweet, funny, smart, etc. Shes also willing to explore BDSM with me. However... I seem to be having trouble bringing that dominant side out of her. It exists, and Ive seen it, Im just trying to figure out how to bring it out of her more often?

Any suggestions are welcome

_____________________________

Our duty is to hold ourselves responsible to the people. Every word, every act and every policy must conform to the people's interests, and if mistakes occur, they must be corrected - that is what being responsible to the people means- Mao Zedong

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 1:38:44 PM

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I would think that time would be needed to absorb the whole idea, work it through her mind and in the process, if she can feel a hunger for it, then baby steps into some action. I know I struggled with the word dominance to start with. I knew I was what I was reading about and hadn't even thought of my role reversal relationships as anything but role reversal. I had to digest the words I had fought hard against all my life. I had a lot of things to re-sort and re-file.

It's kind of like coffee. You can have instant or slow brewed. I recommend slow brewed, because without pressure, letting her explore on her own and read, digest and find that dominance that you have seen, it can grow in her. Forcing it even within herself because she does wish to please you, can backfire.

If she is really interested in exploring this, she will do something on her own.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to YSG)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 3:17:47 PM

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Lockit, I'd say if he's encouraging and responds to her being dominant in a way she likes it, he has far more chances that it will happen more and more than if he's trying to make it happen more often...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 4:27:18 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not sure how this is going to go over, geoff, but I hope it will come out making sense.

I know how I am and I'm almost always going to be more encouraged or willing to do things if I don't feel that someone else is putting pressure on Me. No matter what it is, it's going to go over better if I think it's My idea. (The men in My life know this.) The best idea is not to be pushy.

The holidays are coming. Would it be a bad idea to get her a book on the subject? Would she be receptive if you asked her if she'd like to go to a munch some time? There's always the idea of doing things for her without her asking, such as letting her relax while you do one of the chores at her place. There's always so much to do this time of year. Get the idea in her head that you're the type of guy who likes doing things that make her life easier.

Remember your best opportunities in this area are the times she does bring her Dominant side out is to respond very positively. Reinforce how much you like that side of her. Not just at the time, but one time again at a later date. That way, she'll know that you enjoyed whatever happened and she'll be more inclined to do it again.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 4:29:58 PM

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Lady Pact, you said it so much better than I did, but that was what I meant with responding positively and in a way "encouraging" her to do it more often, than trying to make it happen more often...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 5:43:49 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Thanks LadyC. I can't speak for everyone, but I know Myself. The first year that I was doing this thing, I remember being quite resistant, especially if I was in the area of feeling like there were being expectations being put upon Me. I can give first hand experience in saying that approach does not work.

I think the first year that a Dominant woman is coming into her own should be as organic as possible.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 6:02:45 PM

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

I had pretty much the same experience, pressure made me clam up...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 6:31:33 PM

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

It's tricky. But in your position I'd go for showing appreciation in a big way, Geoff. Sentences that start with 'God, it was so good when you did x or y'. But, hmmm, even that's got to be handled carefully in order to avoid that 'pressure' thing. But I doubt I'm telling you anything you don't already know, here.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to YSG)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/19/2010 7:01:26 PM

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Pushiness still turns me off.

Geoff, how about doing little things for her to show the advantages of having someone subly?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 7:15:44 AM

YSG

Posts: 1001
Joined: 8/6/2010
Status: offline

Ok, so what you're all saying is be patient and let her come around on her own, and show appreciation when she does show her dominant side, yes?

_____________________________

Our duty is to hold ourselves responsible to the people. Every word, every act and every policy must conform to the people's interests, and if mistakes occur, they must be corrected - that is what being responsible to the people means- Mao Zedong

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 7:22:56 AM

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

I think that about sums it up for me, anyway. It's no more than just a special case of the standard advice people give to vanilla couples: never criticise what they get wrong, just pile on the encouragement when they do something right.

And by 'encouragement', I'm including such non-verbal signals of making appreciative noises at the appropriate times, if you take my meaning.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to YSG)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 8:37:13 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YSG

Ok, so what you're all saying is be patient and let her come around on her own, and show appreciation when she does show her dominant side, yes?

Pretty much. It's kind of a tricky area because I'm sure that you're wanting to offer ideas, etc but it's so easy for that to backfire. It's easy to go past the line of just enough into too much.

(Stop Me if I'm getting this wrong in your case.)

What I'm not saying here is that you shouldn't talk about it. I think you touched on that somewhere already. My suggestion would be things that put it in her lap, so she can learn at her pace and focus on those things that interest her.

Here's one thing that you want to avoid. Don't come across that she has to be like other Dommes. I think all of us have at least one story about not being the stereotypical Dominant because males want the image. This is the big mistake when folks want to 'convert' somebody.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to YSG)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 8:46:34 AM

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

Being patient may not work. She probably has no idea what to do or how to get to that part of her personality. She may not be ready for or interested in BDSM books either. You might want to try something more playful and enjoyable for her. Just start doing stuff for her. Run a bath, put her shoes on her feet, take her shoe shopping and really make with the personal services. After a steady diet of being served, the lady may come to really enjoy it and demand it all the time.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 8:57:37 AM

YSG

Posts: 1001
Joined: 8/6/2010
Status: offline

what Im really worried about is messing up her head. I want to show her that all of this happens within a loving and caring relationship, and that the stereotype is basically a hollywood invention. As for making with the service, Im working on it. I made her dinner and cleaned up after the other night (wich she loved). Definetly not a bad idea.

_____________________________

Our duty is to hold ourselves responsible to the people. Every word, every act and every policy must conform to the people's interests, and if mistakes occur, they must be corrected - that is what being responsible to the people means- Mao Zedong

(in reply to slavekal)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 9:30:57 AM

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

Buy her "Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men". It is not a BDSM book, but it tells women how to be served by men. You might want to cherry pick some articles and letters from Elise Sutton's site as well.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to YSG)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 10:02:26 AM

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Let's say that whenever she tries something, even if it is not completely what you imagine or like, respond positively.

Or as an idea, if you have a camera, suggest you take pics of her (only works if you are a halfway decent photographer) and try to make her look in control and strong, then tell her how much you like it, that you think it's sexy, not to get her to throw poses, just so that she gets comfortable with the feeling of being powerful and in control. The more comfy she will feel, the better the chances that she spreads her wings.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to YSG)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 11:36:14 AM

YSG

Posts: 1001
Joined: 8/6/2010
Status: offline

Kal, my problem with alot of BDSM authors is that they act like they are THE authority, and you have to do it their way. Also, Elise Sutton makes me ill.

Lady Constanze, Im a terrible photographer. So yeah, thats kind of out lol.

I had a suggestion come to me in an email, do you think this would work?

quote:

Make her some slave coupons as Christmas gifts? Coupons she can redeem for various services. For instance, one coupon for a foot rub. Another coupon for a back massage. One coupon for you to prepare a nice meal for her (or take her out to a nice meal). A coupon for a full day of anything goes slave service. Etc. Etc. Take the time, if possible, to make up some nice realistic coupons on a computer. Maybe make them for "X" number of redemptions...or make them as being permenant to use any time as often as she wishes. Maybe even make one or two with a blank to fill in for whatever she might come up with or want herself.

_____________________________

Our duty is to hold ourselves responsible to the people. Every word, every act and every policy must conform to the people's interests, and if mistakes occur, they must be corrected - that is what being responsible to the people means- Mao Zedong

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 11:47:54 AM

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YSG

Ok Im in need of a little help here please.

This vanilla girl Im seeing... Shes a wonderful gal, first and foremost. Shes sweet, funny, smart, etc. Shes also willing to explore BDSM with me. However... I seem to be having trouble bringing that dominant side out of her. It exists, and Ive seen it, Im just trying to figure out how to bring it out of her more often?

Any suggestions are welcome

The key words here are: "more often."

If it comes down to a basic difference in levels of appetite and frequency, you risk being pushy and a turn off if you "nudge" for more dominance from her. If her femdom side is totally organic and coming from a place inside her, you can't just flip it on and off like a light switch -- for her, the appetite might be 1 time a week, or 1 time a month. What if you want 1 time a day? What is it you are asking/hoping for? If you can clearly define things, it's a starting point.

In any "new" relationship (not sure how long yours is, but I consider "new" anything pre-6 months), I don't think subs should risk overwhelming a new femdom with ideas, suggestions, hints, whatever. Good old fashion heart-to-heart talks, holding hands while strolling the park, or cuddling on the couch, explaining why you like what you like without ever making it see like you crave "her dominance" more than "her" is good.

I can't tell you how many subs have effectively pushed me away by smothering me, thinking it's a compliment that they want more femdom. Seriously, many of them could have "all femdom, all the time." The fact of the matter is that I am a woman, a best friend, a lover and a girlfriend (and, now, a wife) MORE than I am a femdom, and I want to be appreciated on all levels. My femdom urges ebb and flow based on my lust drive, my energy levels and who knows what else - maybe the moon. I don't question it, it just is what it is. But I cannot manufacture the energy required to "be on" when it comes to femdom drive, so when a sub hints/nudges/encourages when I am just not in that mindspace, it can vary from "kinda cute," to "downright annoying."

My suggestion is you watch and observe for now, and just work on excellent communication and appreciation. The minute a new femdom goes from "Hey this is kind of fun!" to "uh oh, what am I doing wrong, not enough? Well, uhh, what's enough then? Oh no, I'm not good enough?" it's a bad path. The foundation of good, authentic femdom is when it comes from a place inside the lady and is not done out of obligation. Send her roses the morning after a good scene, and tell her she blew your mind. But don't ever make her feel like it's more about the femdom than about her.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to YSG)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 4:21:13 PM

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I have to say this-- these conversations about "bringing out the dominant side" bug me more and more.

Not everyone is kinky. Even of the ones that are, not all those kinky folks fit into D/s ANYWHERE AT ALL.

If you were a mushmouth, Geoff, how would you feel if some chica decided that you had to be Mr Machismo Domly Dude? Would you say to yourself, yeah, sure, okay, or would you be resentful that you weren't being accepted for the person that you ARE?

Ladies, when some domly dom puffs out his chest at you, aren't you annoyed? Why on earth should we be expected to be SOMEONE ELSE? It's unreasonable at best.

So, have fun, talk, mess around with playing, but seriously? If she doesn't read The Leatherman's Handbook and come out with big big love, are you gonna dump her? Try and coerce her into other kinds of domly behavior to amuse yourself?

This whole idea sounds more and more manipulative to me, and it bothers me. Okay, rant over. Kthx.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bringing out her dominant side? - 12/20/2010 4:36:40 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I have to say this-- these conversations about "bringing out the dominant side" bug me more and more.

Not everyone is kinky. Even of the ones that are, not all those kinky folks fit into D/s ANYWHERE AT ALL.

If you were a mushmouth, Geoff, how would you feel if some chica decided that you had to be Mr Machismo Domly Dude? Would you say to yourself, yeah, sure, okay, or would you be resentful that you weren't being accepted for the person that you ARE?

Ladies, when some domly dom puffs out his chest at you, aren't you annoyed? Why on earth should we be expected to be SOMEONE ELSE? It's unreasonable at best.

So, have fun, talk, mess around with playing, but seriously? If she doesn't read The Leatherman's Handbook and come out with big big love, are you gonna dump her? Try and coerce her into other kinds of domly behavior to amuse yourself?

This whole idea sounds more and more manipulative to me, and it bothers me. Okay, rant over. Kthx.

Nine times out of ten, I'd be agreeing with you, Hib. The reason that I don't in this case is because the woman has actually said she has some interest in one way or another. This isn't one of those deals where someone wants to 'change' a vanilla person. It's on another thread somewhere, but there was positive feedback when the subject came up. Not one of those situations where he just wants the woman to be Dominant so he's trying to figure out how to turn her into one.

My intuition tells Me that geoff is probably more level headed on the subject than the random guy who shows up here asking us for advice on how to change their wife or girlfriend into their fantasy Domme.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Bringing out her dominant side?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.156