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Sadism as "affliction" - 12/28/2010 8:25:21 PM

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I am not huge on gothic lore or vampires (or werewolves), but I sometimes see some surreal parallels between various "hungers" and the desire to dominate. For me personally, while I enjoy S&M in a variety of versions and fairly consistently as sexual or sensual "flavor," there are times when I desire it in a manner that feels pretty compulsive, highly distracting and often predatory. Always within the boundaries of consent and ethics, but it doesn't mean that I still don't walk around feeling distinctly, some days, like men are prey.

In vampire lore I can relate to the feeling of needing a victim to "feed" that urge, and feeling like sometimes it's so overwhelming that I can't sit next to a man I find attractive without having a very loud inner dialogue in my head about his suffering, how he'd look helpless, or what his whimper sounds like. In werewolf lore, I can relate to the surreal feeling that sometimes I wake up just "feeling like it," as if the moon or some weird planet alignment just flipped a switch in my subconscious and then I have the urge - at least, until I 'feed' it, and then it goes away again.

The normalcy of my life outside of my high peaks of BDSM "lust" are so incredibly normal that the "double life" aspect of vampire, werewolf lore just seem to fit. All I need is a cape, a set of claws, a full moon. Hell, if I had a really screwed up sense of ethics, morality, and responsibility I could see treating it like drug binges or sex binges, just disappearing (literally) on friends, loved ones for a few days at a time to shamelessly indulge in one night stands with strangers, prowling clubs, not sleeping at all, just being totally hedonistic and then coming back and shrugging it off with excuses and "oh it won't happen again." That's not *me* as a person so it would never happen that way, but there are times that the desires seem to sharp and in contrast to my daily grind that I find a dark romantic lure in the idea of just leading a double life. Would never happen though.

S&m just isn't something I "do" or a flavor that I like to sprinkle, nor is it 100% limited to my sex life or my primary partner. The need for variety, for new diversions, for sudden and immediate fulfillment of new fantasies even if impractical. To that end, when I wake up feeling like that, it feels more like "affliction" than aspect. Not in a bad way.

Can anyone relate to this?

Akasha

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/28/2010 8:29:52 PM

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That was eloquent and very hot at the same time.

I can relate to it conceptually since I am not a sadist; however as a sub, we have our own hungers that also, sometimes, feels like an affliction (but a good one!)

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/28/2010 8:44:59 PM

mbes

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Not a sadist, but I can relate as well. I have... hungers, to put it nicely. I don't like to talk about them much.
I also agree with sexyred on the eloquence and heat factors.

< Message edited by mbes -- 12/28/2010 8:45:23 PM >

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/28/2010 9:15:36 PM

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That was hot!
I think a lot of subs (like myself) fantasize about a 'Hungry Predator' like you describe.
If that's how you feel, I suggest you 'go with it' and enjoy it. There are many willing victims out there, who can feed your 'evil, perverted desires'. (lol)

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/28/2010 9:51:57 PM

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Unless I'm mistaken, this is a very similar way that you have put the very same matter before, Aakasha. A number of your posts that I've read have the same theme. In fact, I've agreed with you on occasion during those times that I went through periods that I didn't feel that I was getting enough of a fix of My sadism. That was creating the cycle that you've expressed here and in other threads as well. Might have been two years or so ago, if I've got the timing right, that you had brought the subject up in another original that you created. Different slant, but same thing.

These days, I just can't say I agree with it in My personal case. I suppose you could compare it with hunger, if you'd like. Where I'm at is, I don't go through hunger being a drive because I'm 'fed' pretty regularly. The cravings don't get to the impulsive stage because My buffet is well stocked. When the urge strikes Me, I satisfy it. I don't have to forage for it or even let the craving feel like a compulsion or a drive. Hunger becomes intense when a person isn't fed regularly, but when they are getting their wants filled with ease, the only anticipation that they experience is what they want to and no more. It's no different than saying to Myself, I'm hungry, I think I'll order a pizza. I make a call, tell someone what I want, and there it is in a short time.

Sure, a starving person might think that pizza is the most delicious thing they have ever had because they weren't getting enough, but to the well fed, it's simply the regular intake of substance that they have become accustomed to. It's not the same kind of craving when compared to someone who is getting what they want in abundance.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 12/28/2010 9:53:51 PM >

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/28/2010 9:53:16 PM

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It makes perfect sense to me, from and emotional and fantasy standpoint. For me it's inverted a little, as I'm coming from the submissive side - rather than becoming the supernatural entity, it's more about becoming enthralled or possessed by one and winding in all sorts of dramatic and extreme situations under its strange influence. Usually this kind of thinking emerges when I'm actively suppressing this side of me, though, like when I was a teen and after a bad break-up, and really isn't a desire of mine outside of temporary fantasy.

< Message edited by WestBaySlave -- 12/28/2010 9:54:14 PM >

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/28/2010 10:23:52 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Unless I'm mistaken, this is a very similar way that you have put the very same matter before, Aakasha. A number of your posts that I've read have the same theme. In fact, I've agreed with you on occasion during those times that I went through periods that I didn't feel that I was getting enough of a fix of My sadism. That was creating the cycle that you've expressed here and in other threads as well. Might have been two years or so ago, if I've got the timing right, that you had brought the subject up in another original that you created. Different slant, but same thing.

These days, I just can't say I agree with it in My personal case. I suppose you could compare it with hunger, if you'd like. Where I'm at is, I don't go through hunger being a drive because I'm 'fed' pretty regularly. The cravings don't get to the impulsive stage because My buffet is well stocked. When the urge strikes Me, I satisfy it. I don't have to forage for it or even let the craving feel like a compulsion or a drive. Hunger becomes intense when a person isn't fed regularly, but when they are getting their wants filled with ease, the only anticipation that they experience is what they want to and no more. It's no different than saying to Myself, I'm hungry, I think I'll order a pizza. I make a call, tell someone what I want, and there it is in a short time.

Sure, a starving person might think that pizza is the most delicious thing they have ever had because they weren't getting enough, but to the well fed, it's simply the regular intake of substance that they have become accustomed to. It's not the same kind of craving when compared to someone who is getting what they want in abundance.

Yes, I write about this a lot. I get repetitive about it. Because like any "affliction" it seems very compelling and intense and mystical when I am knee-deep in it, then I can gain some perspective later about it and be more practical about it. When I am in the heart of it, it feels very immersive, if that makes sense, and I often wonder how many people feel it in this manner.

The buffet and abundance analogies are good. Here's the glitch with me. I have a husband who will submit at any time to pretty much anything I can dish out. Indeed, this has impacted my appetite - there's no sense of urgency, compared to when I was single and waking up "hungry" meant going out on the prowl if I wasn't with a regular boyfriend. No complaining here - I found that very exciting! My best predatory moods and most fullfilling BDSM - from a sheer "intensity" (mind blowing) way, are from periods of intense hunger fed after a good prowl. Don't get me wrong -- there's a deep, deep satisfaction that comes from the soul-level BDSM with a life partner who knows my buttons better than I know my own. But while this "fix" is deep, magical, and always a "sure thing" (much like an orgasm from your long time lover - there's no doubt he's going to get you there, he knows your body so well), there's a different rush from dominating a man who is an unknown.

I hate using gothic lore analogies again; but for a vampire, for example, having her soul mate, best friend, lover always at the ready to be prey is both deeply romantic and wonderfully fulfilling. But at the same time, sometimes there's a hunger for a slightly different taste. This is why I am in an open relationship.

I also clearly want what I cannot have, psychologically. If I am unable to indulge in BDSM on any level - because of lack of privacy, lack of time, or being separated from my partner, I can get pretty ravenous, it's a sure thing.

Akasha

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/29/2010 9:56:33 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Sure, a starving person might think that pizza is the most delicious thing they have ever had because they weren't getting enough, but to the well fed, it's simply the regular intake of substance that they have become accustomed to.

I tend to agree here with LadyPact that hunger relates to that which we have not often tasted.
But I feel that the original post was more to do with the nature of desire than the nature of longing as in addiction.
And desire for perversity is simply a desire for that which we know we may rarely if ever have. It is the nature of arousal that it goes hand in hand with the forbidden.

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/29/2010 3:36:29 PM

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Sex addiction, like over-eating and compulsive spending and gambling, is a process addiction -- a neurobiological arousal disorder that involves the interplay of the hormones serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline.

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/29/2010 6:49:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Sex addiction, like over-eating and compulsive spending and gambling, is a process addiction -- a neurobiological arousal disorder that involves the interplay of the hormones serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline.

I might have to agree to what you say above, as it seems to have come from an uncredited link.
But in my own words I would have to say that arousal, with its complex hormonal basis, drives most of us, whilst the context of such arousal seems to be secondary and at times so clouded in guilt, surpression and social stigma, that is is only when we find sub cultiral others that share our arousal, do we feel it ok to give a voice to what it is that arouses us.
The problem with arousal is that we each of us serve our own internal hormonal masters 'the pleasure principle'. And thus we need to push, push, push the edge in order to get the serotonin/dopamine kick.
The conscious context for the pleasure, be it food, or sex, or gore (whatever the edge is), is onl the mask for that which is usually hidden below consciousness and what we permit ourselves to think about every day. The problem is that most 'edges' are really only a click away in internet lala land.

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/29/2010 9:03:28 PM

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Its not quite a sexy as being a vampire or a werewolf, tho.

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/29/2010 9:11:20 PM

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Damn Aakasha...

if the need to be a proper cattle was an affliction then I would be starving. Don't ever stop writing like that please. :D

But if we were to refer to Masochism to be a lovely counter to your Vampiric Affliction called Sadism I am-sadly-quite used to fasting.

Lest I go prowling and have to spend lots of money to have the privilege of being tapped wickedly with a cane or crop whilst I am bound and writhing under the whistling devices of torture.

Not to sound sexist but you women have it easy when it comes to this (as we have already discussed.)

perhaps i am on the wrong side of the kneel? regardless, enjoy your buffet. i hope you give your cattle your calling card for future feasting instead of wondering 'what the hell happened to me and why did it hurt so good?'

lol......

feed! let me feed you!

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/29/2010 10:20:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic

Damn Aakasha...

if the need to be a proper cattle was an affliction then I would be starving. Don't ever stop writing like that please. :D

But if we were to refer to Masochism to be a lovely counter to your Vampiric Affliction called Sadism I am-sadly-quite used to fasting.

Lest I go prowling and have to spend lots of money to have the privilege of being tapped wickedly with a cane or crop whilst I am bound and writhing under the whistling devices of torture.

Not to sound sexist but you women have it easy when it comes to this (as we have already discussed.)

perhaps i am on the wrong side of the kneel? regardless, enjoy your buffet. i hope you give your cattle your calling card for future feasting instead of wondering 'what the hell happened to me and why did it hurt so good?'

lol......

feed! let me feed you!

Haha, thanks, I think :)

If people think I am being repetitive when I pop up with these "Wow I feel very predatory all of a sudden, wow this is a surreal buzzy intoxicating lusty seductive mood, oh hey I am not complaining - wait, is that a hot guy with pullable hair?" posts - keep in mind, I've been in this roundabout since I was old enough to journal. As much as my desires evolve, they still remain the same.

I wrote this in 1996 - nearly fifteen years ago - on a message board, of all places:

"It's been about a week or so since my "Men as Prey" post, and I am still feeling wonderfully hungry.

I say "wonderfully" because it amazes me how many sympathy e-mails I get from subs after a good hunger post. Sympathy!? I don't want sympathy, I *love* this feeling.

The advice/comforting I get ranges from "How come you can't find anyone to play with you and feed your desires? I would!" to "I know it's miserable, but somehow we will make it through."

This made me realize I treat my desires/bdsm cravings differently than many/most (all?) others. In fact, I would love to hear if subs or dommes share my view that I'm about to illustrate.

When I wake up and I realize that desire is coming back, I start shivering with excitement. It's like an alarm clock - it's a very steady cycle, and it always comes back. Usually after I play in real life, it goes away for a week or so, then at the 10 day to 14 day mark it starts to grow and consume me. Eventually, into the three week area, I start really craving it, getting into serious huntress mode. This all varies of course, but I am being general.

The point is, when I wake up with that first hint of hunger, I don't call up someone and satisfy it that day. Even when I am practically living with my primary partner at the time, I don't roll over in bed and take him. I let it simmer for awhile.

I purposely wait. I wait because it just gets more intense with time. I wait because during this time of anticipation, the most subtle little things set me off and get me hot.

I wait because I write better when I am hungry. I can sit and write for hours about how beautiful a man looks helpless, about how I long to see him suffer in my arms, and how I want to stalk, kidnap, seduce and torture some unwilling prey.

I wait because the longer I wait, the sweeter the kill is at the end. The heavier the rush, and the longer and harder I want to play. The longer I wait, the better it is, pure and simple.

The only time in my life when "the hunger" is a bad thing is when I am in a relationship that doesn't allow me the outlet to play (never again will I let that happen, I swore to myself) or when I am out of town and away from accessible partners. As long as I am free and in my own city, relief is a phone call away.

At the time I wrote "Men as prey", I could have called up a partner and had him there with me that night. But I chose not to. I chose not to, because when I decide to indulge, it's going to be even hotter. I chose not to because it has inspired me to write some wonderful pieces in the last week, to work some more on stories that require a certain sadistic mindframe, and because it's made dancing at my club a hundred times more exciting (my club meaning the place where I go dancing with friends once a week).

The anticipation is half the fun. Does anyone else feel this way? Or it might be that I am spoiled - and that when I want to play, I know it is there in one form or another, and I can just hold it off and make it all the more exciting until I am ready for it, just dripping at the mere thought of it.

I *love* the feeling of being overcome with lust and desire. I want to be driven to the point that when he kneels, my heart pounds so hard it feels like it's going to come right out of my chest. When I am that eager for it, I get soaked just *touching* my toys. Of course I would wait for this level of passion, who wouldn't!?

Also, when I am in this mindframe, I can flirt in an aggressive, dominant way and it gives me a total rush. It's that stalking/hunting desire in me. Last week at the club I flirted quite forwardly with an intimidated victim, and I got the most intense rush (and soaked panties) from merely holding his wrists behind his back and feeling his resistance, so subtle. I love this frame of mind, this desire for subtle control games, this need to see men, even strangers, submit to me in the smallest way.

It's like the difference between quick sex when the desire hits, vs. an entire day or weekend of drawn out foreplay. The foreplay is so much hotter when it is building slowly to an ultimate goal. The foreplay itself is what is so intense, and the orgasm at the end is even sweeter when it has been led up to so slowly.

I tend to start out with a sort of vague desire to dominate. That's the first sign. At that point, I could head it off at the pass, quench the desire. As time goes on, my senses come alive and I become a huntress (and I love it). Additionally, my desires start to fine tune. I start craving types of submission. Is this common with others?

I start craving a certain type of domination, or I crave someone specific - a partner of mine I had once before, or maybe someone brand new. Maybe it's a long distance slave from several months back. Maybe it's my sweet standby who is always there for me. Maybe it's the new boy I have been flirting with. Maybe it's someone from the net I have not even met yet. My goals set on a victim, and then I start plotting the kill.

"Plotting the kill" is a bit brutal, I suppose. But when I get my mind set on who I want to dominate (whether he knows it or not), I start planning. This is where the heavy fantasy comes in. I run through in my head what I want to do to him and how. This is the stage where I buy new toys if I get ideas for them, or I go pick out a collar if he is going to be a new slave. I may drop hints to him or tell him flat out that it is coming up. I might set a date for it. But again, I don't rush into it. I pace it, and I enjoy the build up to it.

All of this buildup happens over a period of a few days or a few weeks. The only difference is that during this hunger time, I *do* need subtle little fixes to hold me over. I need to flirt in a dom way (i.e. pulling hair, forceful kisses, aggressive flirtation, making a man kneel for me in public), I need to express the hungers and desires and fantasies (writing) and I need other forms of "the fix" (phone sessions with my LD subs, trolling on the net for cyber/phone victims, calling pay services for $4 a minute to watch gay surfer boys do as I say *heh*).

All of this culminates in the grand session. The night, the day, the weekend, where it all comes together and I feast. All my fantasies turn into reality, and I finally have him there in my clutches. Sure, I could have had him or someone else weeks ago when the hunger started to come on, but it is so much more intense after the waiting period, the build up, the flirtation.

Depending on my patience and level of stress in my life, this "build up" period might be 5 days, it might be 2 weeks. It all just depends. Sometimes, without explanation, the hunger cycle goes quickly and I just need to do it. I need that fix. The times it gets infuriating is when without warning it hits hard and I have to sort of scramble to figure out what it is I want most of all, and who I want to have give it to me.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a long, drawn out post. I just am curious if other doms or subs enjoy the build up and anticipation to the fix. Someone recently (I forget the name, sorry, and I had intended to follow up to it but it got lost in my newsreader) commented on my "Men as prey" rambling that perhaps I am very into the ritual of bdsm. I think, I might be confusing my messages here - I apologize to who brought this up.

But this is very true. Bondage, female domination, the stalking of prey, this is all a passionate, thrilling little ritual for me. My toys are also part of the ritual, as are my pvc skirts and bras and gloves and boots. My stalking gear. I love this part of it, almost as much as I love the thrill of seeing my victim helpless, the pleading and fear in his eyes.

To those that write and comfort me when I start posting about how bad I need a fix, please, understand that I live for this passion. It may come off as a sort of misery, but it is a wonderful build up. It's that buildup that motivates me to write such passionate stories.

And it isn't that I don't have a partner, it's that I like to wait and see what I am hungry for. I have many partners, and often what I want is that new unsuspecting prey. I put off the kill as long as I can, because the little games that lead up to it get me hotter than anything."

Akasha

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 12/29/2010 10:30:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

It makes perfect sense to me, from and emotional and fantasy standpoint. For me it's inverted a little, as I'm coming from the submissive side - rather than becoming the supernatural entity, it's more about becoming enthralled or possessed by one and winding in all sorts of dramatic and extreme situations under its strange influence. Usually this kind of thinking emerges when I'm actively suppressing this side of me, though, like when I was a teen and after a bad break-up, and really isn't a desire of mine outside of temporary fantasy.

I'm fascinated by the different ways people process and communicate whatever it is they call their desire to dominate (or be dominated). At the core, is it rational, a form of diversion or experimentation? Or is it more compelling and emotional, more of an "urge" or a lust or desire. For me, it can be either, just depending on -- well, timing, I guess.

The thing that used to throw me for a loop is that when I was in my late teens/early 20s journaling about it, I was sure it was a phase, something that I would grow out of, an "experimentation," and I was capturing the essence of, essentially, "This is so intense and exciting, I should I enjoy it while I can, because surely this is just temporary." I think others who are kinky have been able to relate to that "morning after" feeling - the day after an incredibly long, intense or passionate BDSM "moment" or weekend or whatever, when it almost seems like there has been a permanent closure, end, satisfaction, like "Whew! I guess I got THAT out of my system!" (I think this is when a lot of people throw away their toys). For me, it wasn't an ambivalent thing, but more like an exhaustion thing, and an inability to just snap my fingers and recapture whatever it was about those days before that made the most sensual and deviant acts of S&M so totally compelling and erotic. Then like clockwork - bam - days or weeks later, it's all back again. To open arms!

And it's not just that I get in the "mood" - that's just the surface. It's that I develop a brand new fascination, like it's the first time. Like just seeing a man with his wrists bound and his mouth sealed shut with silver duct tape is worth the price of admission. Fireworks in my head. Driving today, I had to pick up a pen at a traffic light, to write down three words in my head that fascinated me:

Exploit
Humiliate
Objectify

It occurred to me, like a big light bulb in my head, that these were expressions of lust, affection and desire for me. Like, for "normal" ladies, you say to a man, "I want to kiss you," or "I want to hold you," or "I want to make love to you," -- well, I like that stuff too, but really, want I want to say to the man I am currently crushing over, "I want to humiliate you. I want to objectify you. I want to exploit you." And each of those words to carry tremendous weight, intimacy, seriousness. Truth.

I have never experimented with drugs recreationally (or otherwise, for that matter), but if this isn't some kind of high, I don't know what is. Thank god I'm on vacation :)

Akasha

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 1/8/2011 11:18:04 PM

SlaveSubtoserve

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yes can definitely identify from the sub side as both an affliction sometimes and passion.....you reveal it all so well A.

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RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 1/9/2011 9:18:18 AM

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It's interesting to think of sadism as a cycle, perhaps caused by regular occurences such at the appearance of a full moon or just simple hunger due to the all the blood you ate the other night being metabolized (?).

(That is one thing I've never understood about the vampires, by the way. Where does all that blood they drink go? Is it somehow dissolved into an ethereal mist in their stomachs that comes spiraling out their snoring mouths when they sleep during the day? And then--where does that wayward mist go once it leaves their bodies? Maybe it coats the interior of the coffin, giving the wood a fine burgendy sheen? Vampire faces are supposed to flush and their skins get warm after drinking, but how does all that blood in the belly get into their arteries in the first place? Or maybe, just maybe, they simply pee it out?--imagines "red showers"--hmm... Somebody needs to write a pre-schooler book about this, with lots of useful pictures! "Where Does The Blud All Go?" could be sold with a companion Mysteries-Solved volume, "Why Zombies Don't Get Smart From Eating All Those Brains.")

But about the cycle. From a submissive/masochisitic perspective, I only feel such a cycle as you describe if I'm tomented with having to reguarly and frequently arouse myself to the edge of orgasm with no release. For me it takes doing this at least once every one-two days for two-three weeks to reach a rather insane conviction that "I would suffer anything, anything at all, if ultimately it'll bring blessed relief/release!" It's fun to be in that intensely desiring/needing frame of mind, very fun. But, perhaps unlike a sadist, I could continue in this intense state of need indefinitely and also derive satisfaction from it, albeit a different sort that that which accompanies release. Sometimes, if it goes on too long, it interferes with my sleep or ability to concentrate, though.

"...but it doesn't mean that I still don't walk around feeling distinctly, some days, like men are prey."

This I can relate to, from the other end of things (submissive with strong lack-of-control needs and masochistic tendencies), although it doesn't happen very often, and is not, as far as I can tell, cyclical. Maybe it is such a slow cycle that I cannot discern a frequency? There have been times when I have been single when I was very aware of and aroused by dominants as predators only without paying much attention to other qualities of their personalities. I call those my "looking for trouble" times, and, much as I may joke about it, I think there may have been something of an anniliation wish associated with that strong sexual urge to be preyed upon, captured, and used harshly. I have no trouble locating appropriate individuals to stumble and fall in front of (or otherwise expose vulnerability toward) when in that condition. I know their signatures well, just as they probably recognize the signature of a victim.

What keeps me from going there, ever, taking that little step off the cliff of safety (notice I don't say "sanity"--I fear I stepped off the latter's ledge long ago), is a most annoying--at least during those times--"Law of Subotics" that seems to be hardwired in my attitudes (I expect, from past impresions). This law states that I cannot enjoy and that there is no meaning or pleasure in a victim state unless I am fully engaged with the predator in a more "encompassing" relationship. Picking up Mr. Goodbar is definitely against this law. So is walking alone late at night in a bad area of town. So is contacting any one of a large number of profiles on collarme or other sites that contain the "purely predator" signature I look for at those times. This law is not one of logic, not something I follow because it is safe and sensible, unfortunately. It is based on an ancient and personal emotional pattern: that abuse must associated with and conducted within an enveloping relationship that contains certain other elements. At very least, I must know my abuser well, or it will not be satisfying. So random stranger-predator pickups are out for me. The just don't do it for me. Luckily, I don't get this urge very often--maybe once every couple of years, although it's extremely frustrating when around, due to my inner laws which make its fulfillment hard. But after 2-3 months it seems to fade back into my background. If in a relationship of the right sort, however, breaking my own rules might be not an issue I will encounter. What may be a problem is that the controlling party might just laugh at my need and go back to reading their book! Controlling partners are rather unpredictable in that way. :/

"In vampire lore I can relate to the feeling of needing a victim to "feed" that urge, and feeling like sometimes it's so overwhelming that I can't sit next to a man I find attractive without having a very loud inner dialogue in my head about his suffering, how he'd look helpless, or what his whimper sounds like. "

This I can relate to, as well. While I not too particular about appearances, if the man or woman I am sitting next to has a bit of the aura of a predator, I'll make up vivid fantasies during one of my "phases" about him or her capturing, chasing, or entrapping me (experiencing fear is important in such fantasies), of my realizing the inevitibility of my condition and what is to follow, and then finally, the actual suffering, being unable to stop it, and its aftermath, and always the sadist's face, ideally watching my suffering and personal destruction. I am so glad most people cannot read minds--my sweet thoughts would probably upset a lot of decent individuals who do not deserve that. As would yours as well, I expect, Aakasha.

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"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 1/9/2011 9:26:18 AM

osf

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i'm not comfortable with the common definition of sadism as applied to d/s, m/s relationships

most think of sadism as inappropriate behavior

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i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

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(in reply to CaringandReal)

RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 1/9/2011 2:58:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

It's interesting to think of sadism as a cycle, perhaps caused by regular occurences such at the appearance of a full moon or just simple hunger due to the all the blood you ate the other night being metabolized (?).

(That is one thing I've never understood about the vampires, by the way. Where does all that blood they drink go? Is it somehow dissolved into an ethereal mist in their stomachs that comes spiraling out their snoring mouths when they sleep during the day? And then--where does that wayward mist go once it leaves their bodies? Maybe it coats the interior of the coffin, giving the wood a fine burgendy sheen? Vampire faces are supposed to flush and their skins get warm after drinking, but how does all that blood in the belly get into their arteries in the first place? Or maybe, just maybe, they simply pee it out?--imagines "red showers"--hmm... Somebody needs to write a pre-schooler book about this, with lots of useful pictures! "Where Does The Blud All Go?" could be sold with a companion Mysteries-Solved volume, "Why Zombies Don't Get Smart From Eating All Those Brains.")

But about the cycle. From a submissive/masochisitic perspective, I only feel such a cycle as you describe if I'm tomented with having to reguarly and frequently arouse myself to the edge of orgasm with no release. For me it takes doing this at least once every one-two days for two-three weeks to reach a rather insane conviction that "I would suffer anything, anything at all, if ultimately it'll bring blessed relief/release!" It's fun to be in that intensely desiring/needing frame of mind, very fun. But, perhaps unlike a sadist, I could continue in this intense state of need indefinitely and also derive satisfaction from it, albeit a different sort that that which accompanies release. Sometimes, if it goes on too long, it interferes with my sleep or ability to concentrate, though.

I have never quite figured out the cycles for myself, but do think my desires (to inflict pain and discomfort, to be predatory in a lustful way) are tied into coming off of periods of intense stress and lack of sleep (right after finals in college, right after a work project like an event that took a ton of planning and ended in a lot of stress). I've also sometimes noticed - maybe related or not - that I sometimes feel like I have a low grade flu or like you feel when you take cold medicine, but that might just be lack of sleep symptoms. Very weird!

The other common environmental characteristic seems to be unobtainable desire - ie, lust for a person or situation that is simply not in my reach. To that end, sometimes people can be a 'muse' - if there's a person I want to dominate but cannot, or I want to express my sadism but it's absolutely not possible, then I seem to think about it a lot more. A pretty insightful boytoy pointed this out to me in the last year and I brushed it off a bit, but he's managed to point it out to me when it happens and he might be right.

I can also recall girlish "crushes" on boys - both obtainable (a peer in a social group, a mysterious guy at a dance club) and unobtainable (a hot young rookie hockey player, a musician in a famous band, an actor with great eyes), and if I really let myself get immersed in the "crush," it can create a lot of good "gun powder" for my lust, which I can often redirect in any direction. Unfortunately, as I get older, this isn't quite as common. I suppose I am growing out of crushes in general, but I still sometimes get some serious puppy lust for a guy and it can get my predatory and sadistic urges going in a variety of ways.

I wish it were just a full moon though, then it would be easy to take advantage of and plan accordingly!

Akasha

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(in reply to CaringandReal)

RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 1/9/2011 5:37:05 PM

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im a slave but i identify with the op on the feelings of it being a hunger. unlike my Mistress i don't get to feed my masso side as often so it does get to be something like a burning desire approaching need after a few weeks. it leaves me feeling out of balance

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sadism as "affliction" - 1/9/2011 7:14:10 PM

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Joined: 12/21/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

The thing that used to throw me for a loop is that when I was in my late teens/early 20s journaling about it, I was sure it was a phase, something that I would grow out of, an "experimentation," and I was capturing the essence of, essentially, "This is so intense and exciting, I should I enjoy it while I can, because surely this is just temporary." I think others who are kinky have been able to relate to that "morning after" feeling - the day after an incredibly long, intense or passionate BDSM "moment" or weekend or whatever, when it almost seems like there has been a permanent closure, end, satisfaction, like "Whew! I guess I got THAT out of my system!" (I think this is when a lot of people throw away their toys). For me, it wasn't an ambivalent thing, but more like an exhaustion thing, and an inability to just snap my fingers and recapture whatever it was about those days before that made the most sensual and deviant acts of S&M so totally compelling and erotic. Then like clockwork - bam - days or weeks later, it's all back again. To open arms!

I really resonate with everything you've written (but from a sub perspective) and I find the above quote especially interesting. There were so many times in high-school where I thought I was such a freak for desiring to be helpless, pursued, dominated. I grew up in a very conservative environment so I never felt safe to express these emotions. I was sold a bill of goods that advocated 'traditional' gender roles and it was really difficult for me to square this with my desire to submit to an empowered woman. I really tried to suppress the urges and just be 'normal' and I certainly never spoke of this to girlfriends.

I ended up coping and finding my outlet through self-bondage. But again, I thought it was so strange and against the 'norm' that I would suppress it for weeks and months at a time. Over these periods I would daydream of scenarios where I was powerless and subdued. I could sometimes satiate my 'needs' by discretely tying my ankles at night under the covers or loosely wrapping my wrists. But the 'cravings' would build to a crescendo and I knew of only one way to appease the inner monster.

And it pretty much always entailed crafting an elaborate self-bondage scenario. Over time I would methodically and quietly acquire rope, tape, belts, anything I could use to bind and tie. When it finally came time to indulge, the intensity of anticipation and fear would be nearly overwhelming. My heart would be racing as I wrapped the rope around my ankles and then plotted my next move. But these 'experiments' would always be followed by that “morning after” feeling you described. I would feel so silly and I frequently vowed never again.

Sadly, I ended up discarding a lot of gear as a result of that “morning after” feeling. Tons of rope, tape, home-made ball gags, etc. It really breaks my heart that I actually threw away two really good pairs of handcuffs. My first visit to an adult shop was to purchase my first pair of legitimate handcuffs and it's funny now to think of how damn nervous I was to venture into that shop and pick out those cuffs. I was absolutely petrified! And shortly thereafter, the cuffs ended up in the trash! ('tear')

Glad to hear that I wasn't the only one who went through that. Thanks for posting this thread, I've enjoyed reading it.

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"The Journey is the Destination" - Dan Eldon (One of my heroes. R.I.P.)

(in reply to AAkasha)

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