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a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 6:23:51 AM

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Joined: 12/31/2010
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Greetings, Masters (or browsing subs :-)

I am a novice, trying to be the best 'daddy dom' to my lovely sub wife that I can be. It does not come particularly easily to me, though the last year of learning and practice has certainly helped, and 'loving dom'ing is now feeling much more natural (still not sure about the 'mean' stuff, but we'll see...)

I have been recommended to several books and websites (which I have read), and have had a few great conversations on this site and via chat with very helpful masters, So thank you all for your kind advice. I believe I now understand much of the loving D/s dynamic for long-term couples, and feel that I can be that man for my wife.

However, the trouble is I'm not very inventive. Not that it needs to be a three-ringed circus every night (I do understand that the subtlest things can be very powerful), but I can't come up with even the subtle things very easily... My lovely wife has been bottoming from the top for the past year, guiding me along, and I have learned much as a result, but I am now keen to take the lead fully - - I just need more ideas...

So - I am now in the process (because I am apparently the geeky type of person who needs to organize and make lists to function) of compiling my research into a sort of cookbook of ideas. Recognizing that every D/s relationship is different, I want to collect and learn about all the different ways masters show their subs dominance. I'm not looking for elaborate scenarios or scenes to play. I want the small but important things. The things YOU do in public, or while making breakfast, or when you return from work, or in bed together while not "in a scene". Things that long-term D/s couples do that they might not even think about now because they are so natural...

So the question is:
How do you show your sub that you own, love and treasure her/him?

Any responses would be most appreciated - the more diverse the better!
Thanks in advance,
David
(formerly vanillamaster)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 6:56:35 AM

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It sounds like your not used to making many decisions. That's common of this society, in that all of our decisions and opinions are already made up for us by the News Channels, etc...

You can ease your way into a few ways. Try these;

1) Tell your wife that you need to find your own inner dominance, and that the biggest thing that she can do to help, is to stop "subbing from the bottom" as you called it. Give her one expectation that you have for her, and that is "Complete Obedience"

2) You can start small with things like "Massage my feet", "Suck my dick", or even something common like "Go cook dinner". The point of this is to get you comfortable with speaking your own mind, instead of worrying if your doing it right.

3) Deny your wife's orgasms for a week, but keep fucking her and getting your blowjobs like normal. The only difference is that inside your training her to be hot and horny when she's not dictating the direction of the D/s relationship. One orgasm a week until she's trained in obeying you in a more clear manner would be sufficient. You could take the opposite stance with orgasm's, and use them as a frequent reward as well, but from my experience, this is WAAAYYY to labor intensive.

That should get you started :)

(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 7:13:23 AM

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Master doesn't do anything in particular. He simply leads, he takes charge, he controls the relationship.

There arent' any moves, actions, etc...that you do. You just be dominant.

You say you're a daddy dom so my advice is to act like a daddy. What would you do if you had kids?

(in reply to SomoneReal)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 12:02:50 PM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: studentdriver

Greetings, Masters (or browsing subs :-)

So - I am now in the process (because I am apparently the geeky type of person who needs to organize and make lists to function) of compiling my research into a sort of cookbook of ideas. Recognizing that every D/s relationship is different, I want to collect and learn about all the different ways masters show their subs dominance. I'm not looking for elaborate scenarios or scenes to play. I want the small but important things. The things YOU do in public, or while making breakfast, or when you return from work, or in bed together while not "in a scene". Things that long-term D/s couples do that they might not even think about now because they are so natural...

So the question is:
How do you show your sub that you own, love and treasure her/him?

Any responses would be most appreciated - the more diverse the better!
Thanks in advance,
David
(formerly vanillamaster)

I think I have an idea what you mean, but anything he has me doing , could very easily be something HE does at some other time. I'd be reluctant to say *make breakfast*, even though I do it when I'm asked to, as he does makes it far more often than I do.

That applies to almost everything.........so basically, he does what he wants to do, even if it means doing stuff for me.

agirl

(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 12:22:14 PM

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thank you all so far - I really appreciate it.

I get that 'just be dominant' thing, intellectually. It just that I'm trying to learn 'HOW' :-) So, I'm looking for really specific actions (your top 3 favourite things you do - or have done to/for you) that you and your sub share.

So far I've got some good suggestions here: have her make breakfast, massage my feet, perform (insert sex act here) for me, cook dinner, deny orgasms, give orgasms... great.

Keep them coming please! Again, as specific as possible about what YOU like. It won't necessarily work for us, but maybe it will, and I won't know until I hear it.
Especially, those types of things that DON'T require absolute privacy, time or preparation. (I'm not lazy, it's just those are the ones I have the most time doing on a day-to-day basis. The "scenes-work" I'm getting into...)

(and in response to the well-intended suggestion to just be dominant and do 'what I want' -- that's the trick. What I want is a basically vanilla relationship. What SHE wants is D/s... hence the steep learning curve on my end... :-)

Thanks all! Looking forward to reading your thoughts.

David

(in reply to agirl)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 1:13:46 PM

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personally it sounds like you're just doing this for her and from my experience that never ever works long term. If you aren't dominant in nature and you're jsut pretending then eventually she'll tire of always feeling like it's just roleplay unless that's what you're both into but it doesn't sound like from what you said that that is what she wants.

I wish I could be more positive about your situation but like I said, I'm basing this on my own experiences.

You can go through all the motions but that doesn't make it sustainable.

(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 1:35:47 PM

agirl

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Well, he often has me sleep with my back to him so that he has *access* anytime during the night. (saves him dragging me about the bed when I'm half asleep)

I carry any shopping, unless it's the weight of ten men... then he'll take some of it. (he can be thoughtful)

I refill his coffee mug when it's empty (if I spot it before my own drink is empty....lol)

If we're eating a meal, whether at home or out, I don't touch my food until he has begun eating and nodded for me to eat too. (best to see if he is poisoned first)

I always walk slightly behind him, never ahead.( he goes off wherever he wants and it's boring to lose him all the time)

He always has the comfy chair in my study, I take the stool.( better to accept that than be dragged out and walloped)

He always has the *power*(remote control) and we watch whatever he wants to.( I'm far better at watching crap than he is)

He always has the side of the bed he wants. (can be annoying as I don't sleep as well on the *wrong* side of the bed)

If we're playing banjo, he plays what he wants and I follow. (pisses me off a lot)

It's the same with most things....and really just boils down to him doing what he wants.

I have to say that when it's written down in a list like that , it sounds quite wankerish, in fact it sounds VERY wankerish, even to me, but in the reality of living it , it's not at all.

If he'd declared he was King and these things were his *right*, I'd have been unimpressed to the extreme. He just became King and those things fell naturally into place.

agirl

(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 1:53:47 PM

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From: Austin, TX
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Depends up on the woman involved, too. For me, controlling my orgasms does nothing for me - I have no issue giving them up. In some ways it's easier to not have to have them.

I go with what others have said - Dominance and the "Daddy" instinct either are a need for a man - or they're not. And when they're not, well it really is just going through the motions to try to please the sub/girl in his life. If you don't have an inner drive that tells you what YOU want to do - or have done to you - or have her do for you (or not), then it's never really going to be authentic.

I do applaud though, that in the course of your marriage you are working hard to fulfill one of your wife's needs. Gets a lot of points, in my book.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 12/31/2010 1:54:19 PM >

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(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 12/31/2010 3:39:34 PM

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From: Apple County NY
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Tell her what you want her to make for dinner a couple of days before so she can get everything she needs.
Or just ask her for one favorite dish. We were in the store today and we got frozen broccoli in cheese sauce because he likes cheese sauce. If I had my choice, it would be with just a little butter.

We got to the dessert aisle and he told me to pick what I wanted, delegating the decision to me instead of telling me what he wanted.

One thing that you can do is what I call random acts of dominance. We were prepping a room for painting and he picked up the paint stirrer and swatted me with it a couple of times. He'll come up behind me, drag me back to him by putting his forearm around my neck and then biting me on the neck. If I'm making the bed, he'll push me down and give me a couple of spanks.

I would not recommend you start denying her orgasms though. Not unless she does orgasm very easily. As many women do have difficulty orgasming and you could find this backfiring on you by having her unable to have them in the future. The other thing is that unless you've first taught her to delay them until you give permission, you're setting her up to fail and that's a nasty thing to do. It will cause resentment which isn't what you want. You do want trust instead.

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(in reply to UniqueRaven)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/3/2011 9:26:23 PM

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The whole "daddy dom" concept is interesting. When I first started seeing the term, I thought it always meant that the people involved wanted D/s to happen within the context of daddy-daughter roleplay.

Some do, of course, but I've found that often a girl who says that she's looking for a daddy dom wants someone who will treat her like a little girl, as opposed to pretending that she's a little girl. In that case, at least, it isn't really about incest: It's about the feelings of safety, tenderness and affection that having a man treat her that way can evoke.

Specific suggestions? Letting her sit in your lap is a good one. Or, when there's time for a more elaborate scenario, undress her before she gets into the bath, then remain kneeling beside the tub, still dressed yourself, and wield a washcloth. Scrub her clean, wash her hair, rinse her off, then towel her dry and brush her. Then pick out an outfit from her wardrobe and dress her.

Just remember, again, that you're treating her like a little girl as opposed to pretending that she is one. Otherwise it may feel unexpectedly weird when you decide to do something that, shall we say, diverges from fatherly behavior.

(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/4/2011 1:49:15 AM

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It occurs to me that while what some people have been saying.. you can't force a D/s relationship.. in the circumstance of loving one's wife to the extent that you are willing to "play a role," in order to satisfy her, aren't you truly acting the part of a Daddy? The Daddy that plays prince charming at the tea party to make his little girl bubble with joy? The point at which you decided to put your wife's needs above all, you took the first step. All of the people who are saying "doomed to fail" aren't taking this into account. Now stop and ask yourself, rather than trying to come up with a cookbook, "what does she really NEED." Not what she wants, but what she NEEDS. A Daddy looks out for his little girl's best interests in ALL respects. Is there a career or educational goal that you think she needs encouragement to pursue, and that you believe will, in the end, be ultimately beneficial to her well being? Push her there. Don't take sass or excuses from her about it.. Help her, guide her. Show her you care by giving her the boundaries she obviously needs. There is a reason she wants this sort of relationship with you. Does she have a bad habit she really needs to break? Punish her when she acts on it, and reward her when she abstains from it. Don't harp on her about it.. make it very clear that she will either not do it, and reap the rewards, or do it and face the consequences. Help mold her into a better human being.

Take some time to reflect on what you're trying to do, and your motivations, and you'll see that your inner "Daddy" is already coming out. All you need to do is go with it.

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(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/4/2011 12:19:22 PM

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No, you don't need more ideas. You need to take control.

The problem with "needing more ideas" is that this implies that you are going to steer by someone else's lights. That can't happen. What you need to do is relax. You need to STOP listening to your lovely wife (who I understand has been helping you all this time, but it's time for the training wheels to come off). You need to STOP listening to random strangers on the internet. The only advice you can get from us is how to submit to us. My advice is do not submit to random strangers on the internet who don't know you or your wife.

What you need to START doing is saying, "What sort of marriage do I want and with what sort of woman." Then you need to start issuing commands to that effect. you need to do so with the full expectation in your own heart that those commands will be obeyed. Not "or else". Just "period." Unless you're really into punishment dynamics, my advice is to nip misbehavior in the bud right off the bat and simply set the expectation (in your own heart first, then to her) that as long as she wants to play the game, then obedience is expected... period.

PS: The way I show Carol that I care about her is by caring about her. Honestly, life throws a bazillion little things our way and it is the way in which I resolve them which shows Carol how important she is to me. It shows up in tiny little things like where we are going to dinner tonight (her favorite food or mine?). My top three favorite commands are "Hug me", "Kiss Me", "Love Me" (and no, I'm not kidding).

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/4/2011 12:21:39 PM

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quote:

AGirl said:
It's the same with most things....and really just boils down to him doing what he wants. I have to say that when it's written down in a list like that , it sounds quite wankerish, in fact it sounds VERY wankerish, even to me, but in the reality of living it , it's not at all.

Well, of course I can't speak for you. But I've noodled over that same thing between Carol and I. My suspicion is that when written from the subs viewpoint, it's all about "he does what he wants". And, honestly, that's pretty correct. What's missing in that very simplistic analysis is that what I want is very colored by what she wants. Between Carol and I, that's what makes it "not wankerish".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to agirl)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/4/2011 12:22:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

PS: The way I show Carol that I care about her is by caring about her. Honestly, life throws a bazillion little things our way and it is the way in which I resolve them which shows Carol how important she is to me. It shows up in tiny little things like where we are going to dinner tonight (her favorite food or mine?). My top three favorite commands are "Hug me", "Kiss Me", "Love Me" (and no, I'm not kidding).

That even makes my cynical self go, awwww, that is one of the sweetest things I have read here.

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/4/2011 12:29:02 PM

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Ok, daddy-o

What do you do for a living? Were you ever in the service? Lets start with that.

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(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/4/2011 2:59:48 PM

osf

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some d/s relationships do very well with a routine

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RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/5/2011 7:45:28 AM

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Thank you all! (Darklysubtle and Rosanegra especially for your kind words of encouragement)

I agree, Leadership, that I cannot take 'random strangers' suggestions and incorporate them into my life verbatim. All these lovely comments will be taken with a huge grain of salt and filtered through my own needs/desires. But that doesn't make them, including yours, any less helpful. So thank you again.

In response to mnottertail, what do you mean by 'the service'... military? police? resuce? health care? No. none of these. Education, most recently, which I suppose is a type of service industry (though not without its disciplinarian aspect). Does that help? :-)

All very interesting perspectives, and VERY much appreciated!
D

(in reply to osf)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/5/2011 9:56:15 AM

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If you hadn't specified they type of situation that you are trying to accomplish in being a Daddy Dom type thing, I'd have agreed with Ron. Folks who are used to leadership positions with a lot of structure tend to do with with D/s and M/s dynamics that have a good dose of protocol and ritual. You say you're a teacher? You're in great shape to draw on your personal experience!

You have to remember that Daddy dynamics aren't quite the same when it comes to the stricter types. Part of the reason they are called exactly that is because they are less rigid. Think of your classroom. Yes, you're in charge, you expect the tasks that you give to be completed, and so on. Yet, you know those kids aren't perfect and they get more latitude in some cases than you might give if you were dealing with adults. There's more time and consideration given when struggles occur, instead of being more obedience based.

This isn't to say that it means your girl should be walking all over you or not respecting you as the ultimate authority, but Daddy dynamics tend not to have the same type of control element. From reading your comments here, I'm saying this just to be sure that you're using the term accurately. These types of dynamics are often a lot more loose. If you're looking at more command/obey type things, you may be using the wrong verbiage.

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(in reply to studentdriver)

RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/5/2011 5:17:14 PM

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You don't help a child grow up by humiliating it and abusing it. You set clear goals that the child can accomplish, broken down into as many small steps as needed so they can do it without being overwhelmed. You help them with homework, you explain and get teaching aids but you don't do it for them. And you use positive reinforcement.

You're a teacher. That means you know about positive reinforcement, a gold star on homework. You know how to go over addition when a kid can't get it by giving them a tape measure with the numbers there so they can start on three, add four more one at a time and discover the answer is seven. You know not to start with trig if it's a first grade classroom but to start with addition and subtraction,.

Same thing here. Break tasks down for her if she's feeling overwhelmed which can be as simple as helping her set a schedule for housecleaning that involves two tasks a day, not three hours once a week. Praise her when she makes a sincere effort and/or accomplishes it. And be available to help whenever needed if she didn't grasp it on the first try. Just walk her through it again and then stand by while she does it, so you can remind her of the next step if needed.

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RE: a "daddy dom" cookbook - 1/5/2011 9:48:07 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: studentdriver

So - I am now in the process (because I am apparently the geeky type of person who needs to organize and make lists to function) of compiling my research into a sort of cookbook of ideas. Recognizing that every D/s relationship is different, I want to collect and learn about all the different ways masters show their subs dominance. I'm not looking for elaborate scenarios or scenes to play. I want the small but important things. The things YOU do in public, or while making breakfast, or when you return from work, or in bed together while not "in a scene". Things that long-term D/s couples do that they might not even think about now because they are so natural...

So the question is:
How do you show your sub that you own, love and treasure her/him?

Any responses would be most appreciated - the more diverse the better!
Thanks in advance,
David
(formerly vanillamaster)

First, understand that being dominant isn't always about what you do. There are actually no dominant or submissive actions, only mindsets. It's mindset you're looking for. For some, this takes time to develop. It certainly do for Us.

If you are in a romantic relationship, there's a lot of great stuff out there about good communication. We highly recommend that you AND your sub read "The Five Love Languages" then talk to each other about your different languages.

As for the Ds or Ms part, We should Our slaves that We care and love them by giving them a place to flourish as slaves. This means giving orders and allowing service. It's the small things: "Bring Us a glass of water," versus, "Would you get Us a glass of water, when you have the chance?" The first is an order, to which they only have to obey, the second is a question to which they can respond yes or no. That's a choice, not a chance to obey. They flounder (and so do We) when We've mistakenly given them a choice. We all grow when We've correctly given an order.

But, Our particular dynamic doesn't work for everyone... and you have to understand that it goes deeper than, "Bring me a sammich." We're talking about the psychology of the people involved. What makes her tick? What makes her feel fulfilled? What makes you feel fulfilled?

Since you said you write, We'll share Our most recent version of Our household manual.: http://masterfiremaam.com/House_of_Fire_Manual_Updated_Copy.pdf If that seems a little out there for you, there's an original version that might work better: http://masterfiremaam.com/House_of_Fire_Manual_original.pdf Perhaps these will be helpful. If they are, great! If not, simply set them aside and use them to filter out what DOESN'T work!

Master Fire

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(in reply to studentdriver)

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