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Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:10:34 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		A lot of these forums seem to express people who had difficulties with others from,well,not being very patient.

Where do you think the line lies,between making a reasonable compromise to be with someone,and settling for getting so little of what you really want-or having to put up with things you really DON'T want........To getting what you at least THINK you need?

And if you got pretty much everything you desired-how did that come about?
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:14:38 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I get everything I want because I don't settle :)

People settle when they think they can't really get what they want.  I think I've learned that, when it comes to choosing who you spend your life with as an intimate partner, you can get everything you want, and more.

Compromise is a fact of life- compromise means understanding that ideal is not always ideal, that your illusions might not be the best thing for you, and that someone else's immediate needs come before yours to create an ultimately fulfilling relationship together.

Settling however means giving up something important to you, it means not giving yourself what you know you need most.

Settling might be necessary when buying a house- but not for choosing a life partner.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Reasonable)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:16:19 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		Well said,and pretty much my personal taste.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:21:43 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		LA,

Its is also easier when you are intelligent, young, and beautiful.  It is a lot harder when you are middle aged, overweight, and your attractiveness isn't what it used to be which is the case with most in the S&M scene.

Your advice is usually spot on but this one rings a bit of flippancy and youth.

(in reply to Reasonable)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:25:28 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		I know the feeling CrappyDom.

But look at the bright side, experience always helps.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:26:10 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I believe that the key to getting what it is you want out of a relationship is to figure out exactly what that is BEFORE you get into one. As LA said, compromise is a fact of life. If you have issues with making compromises then that is something you need to work on because without that ability you will never truly be fulfilled...nor will any partner you ever have.

No one should ever "settle".

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Reasonable)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:30:26 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		I don't settle... ever. I have found that if you are willing to do a few basic things, you can get what you want every time...
 
1.) Discover who YOU are. how can you share something you don't completely understand yourself? Knowing yourself helps you to understand your motivations, orientations, needs, wants, skills, and value.
2.) Don't look for "perfect". NO ONE is completely perfect, and the strength of all lasting relationships is not from the good times - it's from how you weather the bad times.
3.) Do look for character above personality. A person's personality is changeable, but their basic character is very very hard to change or hide if you know what to look for. How do they treat animals, children, handicapped, and elderly? Do they show respect and compassion for servers (at restaurants, gas stations, etc)? Do they talk about times they showed unethical behavior as a joke or to impress you?
4.) Do they show dishonesty or disloyalty? I promise, if they lie to others, they will eventually lie to you... if they are disloyal to people that didn't merit it, they will ultimately betray you...
5.) Are they basically peacable? Quick to anger and/or quick to forgive? Do they jump to conclusions and assumptions? If so you're setting yourself up for major stress in the relationship.
6.) Communicate communicate communicate...
 
By the way... these tips work for anyone, (Dom/me or sub)

(in reply to Reasonable)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:32:25 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		We agree totally on this one-my sentiments exactly.

What works,works-can the rest.

(in reply to Calandra)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:44:30 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom
Its is also easier when you are intelligent, young, and beautiful.  It is a lot harder when you are middle aged, overweight, and your attractiveness isn't what it used to be which is the case with most in the S&M scene.

Your advice is usually spot on but this one rings a bit of flippancy and youth.

A) I am overweight
B) I'm not nearly the youngest newest flesh on the market these days
C) You're right, it is harder, that doesn't mean anything IMO

It's also harder to find someone when you're a slave/switch, open poly slut who requires time with her biological family, fear junkie, intellectual elitist not interested in marriage or children.

It's always harder to find someone who really FITS with you.

But my local partner, who is middle aged, divorced, completely inexperienced in the scene when we met, total music geek,  incurably shy introvert, and had never contemplated polyamory...somehow found exactly what he needed also, no settling at all.

I personally don't want to be with someone if I feel they are SETTLING for me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:49:16 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		I highly recommend this article to anyone looking to find a quality match in the lifestyle or outside it... the info is good.
 
http://www.castlerealm.com/library/interview.shtml
 
The questions listed there and the tips on interpreting the answers you might receive are priceless....

(in reply to Reasonable)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:50:35 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

LA,

Its is also easier when you are intelligent, young, and beautiful.  It is a lot harder when you are middle aged, overweight, and your attractiveness isn't what it used to be which is the case with most in the S&M scene.

Your advice is usually spot on but this one rings a bit of flippancy and youth.


CD,
With all due respect, the attitude of your post is exactly LA's point: you aren't getting what you want because you feel you aren't good enough. Thus, you feel you don't deserve what you want most. That being said, I do understand where you're coming from. Developing self worth can often be a lifelong project. For many, as the things we built our self worth on when we were young (body image, usually) fade away, we have to work to find new things. As we get older, we hopefully realize relying on the outward things for self worth creates a neverending spiral of having to find ever elusive items on which to base that worth. The Divine is within...and so is the basis of our self worth.

Just because LA's youthful doesn't mean she's not wise.

Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:51:42 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		That's pretty much what I do,interview.

It lets you cut through the bs rather quickly-the trick is knowing what specific questions to ask- and how to interpret the responses-thanks for posting this-some more tricks can always come in handy.

(in reply to Calandra)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:57:30 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom
Its is also easier when you are intelligent, young, and beautiful.  It is a lot harder when you are middle aged, overweight, and your attractiveness isn't what it used to be which is the case with most in the S&M scene.

Your advice is usually spot on but this one rings a bit of flippancy and youth.


Some flowers die off and in their place new ones blossom. Speaking as someone who is no longer the hard bellied sexpot that I was at the age of 18, I can tell you that I find the flowers that bloom a bit later in the season to be much more appealing. While I may have once been a bit easier on the eye I believe that what I have "lost" in the looks department has been replaced by things that are far more priceless. I guess it really depends on what you consider to be valuable. You are right, there are a lot of us "middle agers" out here in this lifestyle...and most of us are looking for the maturity, wisdom and grace that come with age.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:59:05 AM   
TigerLily23


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		Well stated!

_____________________________

Lily

Nosce te ipsum...Know Thyself

(in reply to Calandra)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 8:59:23 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		Whatever our pasts,if we keep a positive attitude, and really apply the work needed for it-the future CAN be a better one.

Potential is entirely in the eye of the beholder.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 9:13:34 AM   
LL1aintbehavin


Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		I think a lot has to to with attitude.  If you go out looking for someone, thinking yourself overweight middle age and not much to look at, then that is the way you will be percived.  If you go out with the attitude that you are special in your own right, and have specific attritubutes you are looking for in another then you will be much more successful.  No one wants someone that has no self esteem and thinks little of themselves.
Be proud of what you are, what you have to offer in a relationship and know what it is you desire in another.
The small things that are inconsequential can be compromised, but the true values and way of life you desire cannot be.  If you go into a relationship knowing that they are lacking things that you desire, to me means a failure from the beginning.
I have found what i needed, desired and sought for all my life.  I did not settle for less, but in real life there are compromises that i make, but the basic requirements to what make me happy in life i have.
I believe everyone has quality in self and an inner beauty and strength that will fit well with another, no matter of their age, weight or anything else.  It is better to be alone than to be in a relationship that makes both miserable.
Just my opinion of course
aintbehavin

(in reply to Reasonable)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 9:28:22 AM   
mathiasdomm


Posts: 71
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		Okay, maybe I've spent too much time at the poker tables, but this seems like something you can break down mathematically.
Settling is a zero sum game.  In exchange for giving up a value or an ideal, you lose something and your partner gains something (you). 
Compromise is a non zero sum game.  By giving up a specific quality (-1), you pick up several qualities that aren't nearly as important to you, but overall give you a fairly even transaction (say each trait is worth .25 and there are five of them.  You're coming out ahead). 

Neither one of them feel very good emotionally, but in real and tangible terms settling is giving away the farm.  Compromise is getting along to get ahead. 
But like Calandra said, this doesn't work unless you know yourself.  If you know that someone insisting that you be a neat freak bothers you, you assign a value that's as accurate as possible.  If you misjudge that value you make the wrong transaction.

The problem comes in when you make an accurate assessment of wants and needs, but have expectations that are unrealistic.  Personally, I know that I'm an average attractiveness guy but I have a real problem being with women that I don't think are exceptionanlly attractive.  I realize this and have tried to develop myself so that I'm offering a number of more highly developed and more rare traits, basically so I offer someone a better compromise.  They'll take an average looking guy with a higher earning potential, better character, etc...  But sometimes I still end up in situations where I feel like I'm getting the short shrift because that one thing is so important to me.  I'll give away the farm to get it and even if I'm getting a 'great deal' with someone who's just a little short in that area, I sort of feel like I've given away the farm.  And then there's the extra bit about feeling really shallow.

It's really all about being able to accurately assess yourself, your wants and your needs. Then you've got to be disciplined and meticulous about getting an equitable deal.  You're going to end up settling in some areas.  But the best relationships are the ones are the ones where both people feel like overall, they're getting more than they put in.  Maybe you're angling for a relationship with an emergent property.  Maybe that's the formula for love.  (which, by the way, the one time I felt like I was in love, it was worth like, + a million.  Totally threw off the scales, but I still thought I was getting a great deal, just because I was getting to be with her.  This isn't as screwed up a system as it sounds to be).

-m

(in reply to Calandra)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 9:44:34 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I really don't worry about finding anyone and I'm not really looking for anyone. Treasure is always found where you least expect it and in the most unexpected packages and I can't see the point of having a shopping list. If I only had relationships with people who could tick off my imaginary lists, I wouldn't have had two of my most rewarding relationships.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 5/1/2006 9:45:16 AM >

(in reply to mathiasdomm)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 10:04:23 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

the attitude of your post is exactly LA's point: you aren't getting what you want because you feel you aren't good enough.


Hmm, I thought he was just flirting with her.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 5/1/2006 10:40:45 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Reasonable: To getting what you at least THINK you need?


Reason,
This is the difficult part and also the "catch 22" aspect of a lifestyle relationship. How do you know the fantasy thoughts you have will fulfill you when you experience them in real life? How do you experience them, if you have a specific image of the person in mind when the fantasy runs and you can't get or don't have access to a person meeting this image?

quote:

And if you got pretty much everything you desired-how did that come about?


I feel within my relationship I have, with beth, "everything I've desired". I feel very fortunate and lucky. It didn't come in the manner, form, place, time, I expected. I found it ironic to have been presented with the opportunity after just though what was the worst time in my life. But it did indeed happen and, fortunately, I was ready for it.

My answer regarding compromising versus settling is, you compromise for the experience, you don't compromise for a relationship.

Being beautify and young or middle aged and overweight really has no bearing. It maybe rare for a 50 year old, bald man who hasn't been in a gym in 30 years to attract a 20 or 30-something hot body. But it happens. While it's not happening, you can continue to search, and not give up or compromise. Meanwhile, there are a lot of other people on both sides of the flogger, who do compliment your fantasy. They may not be the body type, race, age, sex, or any of the other exclusionary criteria you've set, but you can grow from experience with them, and they from you.

Honesty is required of course. Honesty in your goal. Honest listening to theirs. Honest communication of desires, both short term and "ultimate". Agree to be facilitators for each other's desired experience. Set agreed upon boundaries. Enjoy the company. Have fun!

If you wait for some to achieve some of these things only until you've met your "One" you are liable to die waiting. That defines the compromise.

In a relationship you can't afford to compromise. Unlike experiences, when the lights go on, or when they go off, the relationship must still have a reason to exist. It can not exist solely on the physical. Visual attractiveness, intellect, outside interests, taste in fashion, where/how you live; become points of importance in the long term. Compromise on these issues and no matter how physically uncompromising you mesh with your partner, you'll have more time involved with each other doing non-physical activities.

In that regard, the nature of your desired intensity and structure of the lifestyle relationship should be agreed. Even stating a common goal of 24/7 M/s isn't enough until/unless the definition goes beyond the "24/7" buzzword and gets into specifics. Here again - no compromise is possible. Compromising initially for something so important is postponing the eventual disappointment, the eventual argument, the eventually break-up, and the asking "what happened????"

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 5/1/2006 11:34:22 AM >

(in reply to Reasonable)
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