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Dom to Dom transparency - 4/11/2011 7:10:05 PM   
TimrehIX


Posts: 75
Joined: 6/29/2009
Status: offline 		This is a situation that may come up for me soon.   I am single. I don’t have a Dom but there are a (very) few Doms I play with. While none of the Doms have asked me to be, or think that I am monogamous to them, I try not to talk to Dom A about Dom B, or any fly by night Dom or vanilla guy I hook up with. Occasionally a Dom will bring up doing something to me like shaving or chastity that would impact play with other Doms/vanillas.   How do you tell an Vanilla partner about the chastity device, that you can play but can’t cum, or the sudden loss of body hair?   And should I check with other Doms before agreeing to these things? Or is just letting them know it’s happened enough?   Doms, how would you take if a sub you play with but were not exclusive with? Told you they were not allowed to cum during an encounter, or showed up in a chastity device without telling you.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/11/2011 7:24:15 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		er....say what?

If a dom puts a chastity device on a person, I assume that "says" something. Don't let anyone do that w/o being very clear on what it says, and what YOU want. You get a say too.

As far as shaving, some prefer it some do not. Why would you tell another sexual partner that you shaved b/c Mr. X desired it? B/c you have to kick him in the nuts with the information that you have a relationship with Mr X?

Too many games, sweetie. If you want to fuck around, that's fine. I certainly did my share of that. But there is no reason to cram it down a man's throat. If this is any indication of your relationship style, they already know how ephemeral (that's the term I will use) a relationship with you is.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 4/11/2011 7:27:32 PM >

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/11/2011 8:31:46 PM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		If I care about someone, I want to know EVERYTHING they do with other people if we have an open relationship. If I don't care about them, I don't especially care about their extracurriculars either. That naturally differs from person to person, so you should probably simply ask each one what his preference is in terms of disclosure. Some people are going to be jealous or hurt or whatever and would rather just pretend it isn't happening, some would rather be 100% informed.

That being said, if you were with another dom and he put you in chastity and expected me to abide by that, there would be two available options for you:

A) Ignore his instructions completely and without hesitation
B) Go away

I'm not going to have my play limited by what your other playmates are doing, period. If that means making you choose between the two of us, I'm definitely not going to lose sleep over that.


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I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/11/2011 9:21:04 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I keep it simple - I don't compete....

If a girl has a need to see another Dom/me as well as me, then she won't be needing to see me anymore.

Waaaay too much drama for me to keep a controlling handle on....

Focus.

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/11/2011 9:22:57 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds like you consider yourself dating but longing for something deeper. Be careful. You are giving mixed messages.

good luck,
sunshine

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 2:59:33 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		When i first started out on my sexual adventures i got myself into twists somewhat like yours, i was a slut and just bumbled along, it surprised me that some guys took offence... funny, most of them were all up for doing their thing and spitting me out themselves but when they discovered i was never interested in more than just a bit of fun myself they got all 'hurt' about it... then there were a few good ones aswell that i unfortunately really hurt with my slut attitude and i suppose i did not do myself any favours there either.

Rule: if you like someone very much, enough to make a serious attempt at a relationship with, then do not play sex games for a while, get to know the person a bit better first... flirt by all means but take your time to grow your pubes back and get released from your chastity device.
(some people very dissagree with this and believe you should always be honest... i say don't spoil your chances)

for all others: just fucking have a ball, if they take offence they should not be having sex on the first date either (always use protection of course)

i looked at your profile, you are a male... maybe it is more acceptable for guys than for girls to behave like a slut, i don't know...

anyway, with an attitude like this would it be possible that one is poly?
unethically poly even?


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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 5:11:49 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Lots of people shave, I wouldn't bother to mention why you're doing that.
However, you need to bring up the conversation when it moves towards play or sex that you do not propose to be monogamous until such a time as both of you agree to it. And just as he's free to see others, so are you. If the new partner doesn't like that, then you aren't compatible with them.

The chastity thing though is something you do only with a committed partner, at which time you need to tell others that you are in a relationship and that although you're available for s & m play, sexual play is out of the question, and why.


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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 5:49:03 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The chastity thing though is something you do only with a committed partner

Is it? Why?
Why is casual s&m play perfectly acceptable but chastity is a One True Kink that demands commitment? Why can't it be for fun too? (And before you start talking about how much of a big depressive deal orgasm control is for you and therefore must be so for all women as a whole, remember that the OP's a guy.)

OP, make sure you tell people in advance, so they don't plan for orgasm play. If someone didn't tell me about a chastity device I suspect I'd be really annoyed (it's never actually happened), but if they tell me in advance then I can make a decision about if I'm happy to play or not (and generally speaking I am).


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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 5:58:40 AM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		I don't know that it's as much that chastity is an inherently monogamous kink as it is that chastity diminishes the usefulness of a sub. There are plenty of fish in the sea and so on so I think many doms, like me, would be unwilling to play with someone with part of their sexuality incapacitated.

If nothing else, this other dom would be controlling me in some sense by removing some forms of play from the table, which I would find quite distasteful.


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I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 6:50:53 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

If nothing else, this other dom would be controlling me in some sense by removing some forms of play from the table, which I would find quite distasteful.

Only if you see it as some kind of power struggle. I don't feel like I need to struggle for power with some invisible person - I see it as my playpartner adding a different limit to their usual set, that's all - the only question is whether or not I consider that an acceptable limit. (ETA: and it's not really the other Dom controlling things - the sub's made a decision that this is an order they want to allow outside a scene, and in a casual situation (rather than an ownership one) I see that very much as their decision.)

Like I said before, if what I'm planning involves them orgasming, I'd call it off, hence the OP's need to tell his play-partners in advance. If it doesn't - and with me it often doesn't - then what's the bother?

< Message edited by VaguelyCurious -- 4/12/2011 6:53:17 AM >

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 7:37:40 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I keep it simple - I don't compete....

If a girl has a need to see another Dom/me as well as me, then she won't be needing to see me anymore.

Waaaay too much drama for me to keep a controlling handle on....

Focus.


This.

For me it is all or nothing.


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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 8:19:38 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		The shaving I couldn't care less about.  For some of the types of play that I do, I actually prefer it.  I wouldn't think that it would be much of an issue to anyone. 

The chastity device could be limiting to certain forms of play, so I would think it would be fair to tell people in advance of playing with them.  That way, they can decide if the situation is acceptable or not.


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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 8:36:05 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The chastity thing though is something you do only with a committed partner

Is it? Why?
Why is casual s&m play perfectly acceptable but chastity is a One True Kink that demands commitment? Why can't it be for fun too? (And before you start talking about how much of a big depressive deal orgasm control is for you and therefore must be so for all women as a whole, remember that the OP's a guy.)

OP, make sure you tell people in advance, so they don't plan for orgasm play. If someone didn't tell me about a chastity device I suspect I'd be really annoyed (it's never actually happened), but if they tell me in advance then I can make a decision about if I'm happy to play or not (and generally speaking I am).



Not a one true kink, but something that none of the other playmates have consented to. It's rude to force it upon others without communication. And committed just means not NSA. Since the op isn't saying he will put a chastity device on himself, he specifically said someone else would do it to him. So springing it on someone else is wrong as they may well not want to go there. Which is why he needs to talk about it first.


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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 10:19:48 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TimrehIX

This is a situation that may come up for me soon.   I am single. I don’t have a Dom but there are a (very) few Doms I play with. While none of the Doms have asked me to be, or think that I am monogamous to them, I try not to talk to Dom A about Dom B, or any fly by night Dom or vanilla guy I hook up with.


Greetings,

It has been my personal experience that speaking to or dealing with multiple parties carries its own nuances and one should exercise decorum when doing so. You need to establish your code of ethics and recognize that will probably differ from the other people you're engaging with. As the commenters have noted, an omission of details is warranted and desired by some and others prefer complete transparency. When in doubt it is far better to ask the party in question rather than jumping to conclusions. You avoid a lot of problems this way.

my precepts on this subject are relatively simple. i will engage in preliminary discussions but in terms of in depth exploration, i try to keep my numbers very low. Relating with additional persons necessitates a certain flexibility and an inevitable compromise or two that i'd rather avoid. Now some folks love to hedge their bets and they'll ride a few filly's and see which one comes out on top. That is not my forte and at some point i find that one person rises to the head of the pack and turns my attention away from the other contenders. But until that happens, i have never and would never begin to disclose what another man has said or done to someone that is basically in the same position. On the other hand, i'll be honest and note that i am speaking with others so he doesn't get the wrong impression.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 11:20:36 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TimrehIX
I try not to talk to Dom A about Dom B, or any fly by night Dom or vanilla guy I hook up with..

So I'm not a "fly by night" dom. I have to assume anyone you are hooking up with is. I also have to assume they understand the nature of the relationship. That is to say, the only authority they have is limited to play and by agreement.

How do you tell an Vanilla partner about the chastity device, that you can play but can’t cum, or the sudden loss of body hair?
You say, "One of my other lovers thought it'd be cool if I wore this chastity device or promised not to cum or shaved my body hair."

And should I check with other Doms before agreeing to these things?
Dunno. Were it me I find the whole thing odd as hell. I don't understand why you'd allow a play partner to command you outside the scene. I would not issue such commands myself because I am automatically infringing on your other lover's turf. I'd be annoyed if you came to me with a chastity belt on because at this point you are with your other dom, not me. You're just using me as a foil for your (and his) fetish. I prefer to not be used in this way.

Doms, how would you take if a sub you play with but were not exclusive with? Told you they were not allowed to cum during an encounter, or showed up in a chastity device without telling you.
See above. If I was interested in casual play then I wouldn't have any problem with the non-exclusive part. I very definitely would have an issue with being a prop in some scene that I had no part in.


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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/12/2011 10:52:32 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Not a one true kink, but something that none of the other playmates have consented to. It's rude to force it upon others without communication. And committed just means not NSA. Since the op isn't saying he will put a chastity device on himself, he specifically said someone else would do it to him. So springing it on someone else is wrong as they may well not want to go there. Which is why he needs to talk about it first.


Okay, i'm have a very hard time understanding what this has to do with consent. He is wearing/plans to don a chastity device. Now it seems the other party has a few choices. Continue and make alterations in their engagement or simply say no thanks and be done with it. Nothing is being forced upon anyone. Their right of refusal hasn't been removed.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/13/2011 4:28:29 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Not a one true kink, but something that none of the other playmates have consented to. It's rude to force it upon others without communication. And committed just means not NSA. Since the op isn't saying he will put a chastity device on himself, he specifically said someone else would do it to him. So springing it on someone else is wrong as they may well not want to go there. Which is why he needs to talk about it first.


Okay, i'm have a very hard time understanding what this has to do with consent. He is wearing/plans to don a chastity device. Now it seems the other party has a few choices. Continue and make alterations in their engagement or simply say no thanks and be done with it. Nothing is being forced upon anyone. Their right of refusal hasn't been removed.

Namaste,


I've gotta agree with Celeste here. A sub showing up with a chastity device in place (no matter who afixed it) is just plain tacky and not the kind of choice I expect to have to make. Her intent/motive/headspace is saying "no" before she even arrived, which isn't a choice at all - even if I didn't intend to touch her down there....

Focus.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/13/2011 4:32:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
Okay, i'm have a very hard time understanding what this has to do with consent. He is wearing/plans to don a chastity device. Now it seems the other party has a few choices. Continue and make alterations in their engagement or simply say no thanks and be done with it. Nothing is being forced upon anyone. Their right of refusal hasn't been removed.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

I view it as the same as showing up for a play session and saying that he's covered with welts so the sadist can't really play. Or being in a relationship and not mentioning it before the first date. Or anything else that ought to be disclosed before you show up and get naked. As it may well cause the other person to stop dead in their tracks and say "why the hell didn't you tell me?". It should be disclosed as it may affect play.



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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/13/2011 6:34:40 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		When I was seeing more than one person I did let each person know that was the case.

In my situation I decided that even though it was never asked of me, for me to have the kind of relationship I wanted to have with one of the people I was seeing that I needed to stop seeing/playing with other people.

That man is my Master now.

And for me, being owned is so much better than casual play ever was.

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(in reply to TimrehIX)
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RE: Dom to Dom transparency - 4/13/2011 12:02:28 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I've gotta agree with Celeste here. A sub showing up with a chastity device in place (no matter who afixed it) is just plain tacky and not the kind of choice I expect to have to make. Her intent/motive/headspace is saying "no" before she even arrived, which isn't a choice at all - even if I didn't intend to touch her down there...


i don't believe the OP's question suggested that would take place. But it does acknowledge a desire to convey that and some assistance in how it's done. i would gather that if the individual planned on disregarding the other party's feelings or concerns he wouldn't be presenting the subject for an opinion at present.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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