ChatteParfaitt
Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WyldHrt
Hard limits are 'hard' for a reason. I happen to have the same one that you do, sexual activity with a member of the same sex. Any Dom who decided that it was a good idea to 'push' that limit after I made it clear that it was a no go would be out of my life, full stop. I will do many things that I seriously dislike or even hate in order to please my partner, but that is not one of them.
PS. I don't 'do' emotional blackmail, which is what her 'arguments' clearly were.
All in all, I don't think you lost much.0 0 ~thishereboi
Yes you should have stood your ground. Instead you agreed to do something you were pretty darn sure you couldn't do. That's your bad, but has been pointed out you were manipulated and blackmailed into it. Per your own words: She grew more distant the more I refused so I felt that I would lose her If I did not do as she asked.
A good domme knows that withdrawing attentions and emotion is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a sub. Despite your refusals, she kept pushing. As has already been stated, you didn't lose that much.
As to how you could have handled it better:
I know you had an upfront discussion about your hard limits, but did you talk about hers? Dommes do tend to push limits over time, and considering you have a limit that many dommes would want to push, a more in depth discussion is in order. I would certainly ask her how she went about pushing limits, hard or soft.
One reason dominants push hard limits is b/c, in their mind at least, what a sub says is a hard limit may not always be. People do evolve over time. Subs are often willing to do a great deal for a much loved dominant. This is why I highlighted a sentence in WlydHrt's post, she knows 1) what she states as a hard limit really is a hard limit 2) if someone keeps pushing it, she has to bow out, a sub cannot win a power play with a dominant.
You made a poor choice in a dominant in terms of mismatched desires as regards your hard limit, and that is easily done. You also relented on a hard limit, which considering the way you were being manipulated, is very understandable. When push came to shove, you were true to yourself. That's what matters. Everyone at some point in life has made a poor judgment call or allowed someone they loved to manipulate them.
I want to continue this discussion to elaborate on how I feel the domme could have handled things better.
She should have done a lot more verbal probing into the emotions and reasons behind your hard limit, considering what her agenda was going to be.
She should have discussed that agenda with you early on so you knew what you were getting into, and gracefully allowed you the option of bowing out, given the info she gathered in the first step.
She didn't just handle the first two things poorly, she used emotional blackmail and manipulation to move her own agenda forward.
Although I *totally* understand the enjoyment of having a male sub suck cock, not b/c he wants to, but b/c he wants to please you, this requires laying down a deep foundation of love, trust, and respect, something I do not believe your domina understands or is good at.
The domme must be very patient. Every step forward in this direction needs to be combined, in some way, with an option for the sub to say no to what he is not really ready for. In this way the two move slowly forward. In my mind, a sub saying no at one of these steps is a reason for in depth discussion, not emotional blackmail. If a sub says no to me at one point, I make it clear that we will not go further until he is ready. This is b/c I understand in a good dynamic, a sub only says no when he/she HAS to. To me this is not a reason for dismissal, it's a reason to have some long conversations.
This domina tested your devotion to her, and it turned out badly. Subs tend to test doms to see if they really can control them, doms tend to test subs to see if they really have the trust/devotion they profess. A certain amount of this is understandable in building a new relationship. Both sides of the kneel need to understand this kind of testing can easily go horribly wrong.
In my mind, you tried to be a good sub but you didn't have what I would classify as a good domme. Inevitably, things went pear shaped. Your thread makes it clear you are trying to learn from this. That's all you can do. I wish you the very best.
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How could I have handled this better? - 
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