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FirmhandKY -> How to succeed in your search. (5/10/2006 3:21:18 PM)
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I've been reading some very good threads here lately.
Over time, I've been on and experienced a lot of online "dating" sites, including Alt. b.com, and many others, including vanilla and other specialty sites. At one time, I even started a website _about_ such sites, because there is a rich field of study in human interaction and relationships waiting to be mined in this area
I've have made a lot of personal observations, but generally I keep them to myself. I have occasionally opened up and posted, such as I did a few times in the "Hints for Subs" thread. I'm the kind of person who tends to try to systematize everything, to build a coherent philosophy and try to fit it into my world view and beliefs about people. My background and experience is rich in people related knowledge and experience (although that doesn't make me infallible).
I've seen all the common complaints. (No emails! Fakes! Wannabes!) Any person who has spent much time on any of the forums has seen the same litany of complaints, problems, misconceptions and such - time and time and time again.
And there are a lot of good answers in response, most of the time, even if some posters show their irritation from time to time. But the thing is, most of the responses are more along the lines of technical help (such as either one of the "hints" threads currently active). Helpful, but ...
There are three things that will absolutely "solve" the majority of anyone's difficulties in finding the person (or people) that they seek. Three simple things to say, but often three of the most difficult things to do. These things are:
1. Know yourself.
2. Be true to yourself.
3. Look at yourself from other's point of view.
***
1. The most important is the first one: Know yourself.
Does anyone ever, truly "know themselves"? At each stage of my life, I thought I knew myself, but I change over time, and occasionally I require time out for reflection and adjustments in my life and my attitude. Everyone is like that. The man I was when I was 19 is not the same man I am now, at 47. As well, certain events in my life would force me to re-evaluate who and what I thought I was.
In this context, "knowing yourself" means that you have a very good idea about what motivates you, good, bad or indifferent. What are you willing to trade for, in order to get what you want? How important is money to your life? The love of a good woman? A good man? What are your values, what are your ethics? What are you seeking in life? What are you willing to die for? Live for? How do you feel about your place in human society? Do you have spirituality? A belief in God, the afterlife? Why? What are your fears? Your insecurities? What excites you - and why? What revolts you - and why? What are you strengths, your weaknesses?
There are really hard questions and if you think you can sit down and in a couple of days answer all those type of questions, when you've never put serious time in self-reflection, then you aren't thinking deep enough.
But self-knowledge will free you from the chains of others expectations. And is the only true path to happiness. For, if you don't know yourself, happiness and fulfillment is an illusion based on happenstance, and the sufferance and machinations of others.
***
2. Be True to Yourself ("To thine own self be true")
Often we try to present one face to the world, yet inside we are someone totally different. Bringing those two faces into line with each other is what I think of as "being true to yourself"
It's hard. It's never finished. It's always changing. But it is absolutely essential to "happiness" or a successful fulfilling relationship - even if it is a short scene-based one. Even if it is one based on M/s relationship without "love".
When you struggle to maintain the Outer face over a conflicting Inner face, what you are doing is being "untrue" to yourself. Some people are very, very, very good at maintaining these two different faces. Most are so-so. The more distance there is between your Outer and Inner face, the more likely you are to come across as deceptive, a fake and a wannabe. Sometimes, many people are trying so hard to "fill the role" of their Outer face, that they deceive themselves. These are the people who often become defensive and confrontational when they have inchoate feelings of being challenged in their Outer face.
And you can't be true to yourself, if you don't know yourself (see item 1).
There is the area that I see a lot of "doms" fail. My opinion (YMMV) is that - at most - 10% of the "doms" on any bdsm site, actually ARE doms. To many men, being a "dom" is a role that they want to fill - perhaps need to fill, or perhaps one day will fill - but it's an act, a subterfuge, and they themselves are often the first deceived.
***
3. Looking at yourself from other's eye.
Looking at yourself critically is a skill that is difficult to master, even to the most self-aware (self-actualized) individual. Self-deception is one of the most elusive problems to solve that any person has. Learning to "step outside" yourself is the only antidote.
Some of my hardest won knowledge about myself is when I've come face to face with what others think of me.
Being able to halt - or at least temporarily control - the rush of emotions that come when you are criticized, to step back, and drop the instant defensiveness that always arises - allows you an opportunity to debate where you are coming from, and re-evaluate. It's a sanity check. It's a reality check. It's the most effective method of feedback into item 1 (Know yourself) and item 2 (Be true to yourself).
It usually comes at a cost, but when it comes, when someone points out an inconsistency between your Outer and Inner face, when someone calls you on your hypocrisy or your inconsistency, they are giving you the most valuable gift imaginable. Learn to value those hard words, and those hard views, even if they were meant to hurt and injure.
***
I think the closer you come to these ideals, the easier it is to recognize the same thing in others. Instead of writing a 1000 emails to 1000 different people, you'll find that you write 2 or 3 or 4 .. and almost always get a response.
You will come across as who you are, not as who you are trying to be - and you will stand out from the majority of all the others in your position.
You won't get angry at all the "fakes and wannabes", rather you will pity them for their lack of self-knowledge, and the struggle they are having in matching their Outer and Inner faces.
Since you have a greater lack of self-deception, you will come across as "real", "true" and authentic - because you are.
All the "problems" that you try to hide when you are trying to get what you secretly want - will be out in the open and outweighed by all the good things that you actually have to offer - and you will find your match.
Just some thoughts.
FHky
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