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My 2nd poem - 5/8/2011 12:20:04 PM

HannahLynHeather

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Hi all. I've been asked to post my 2nd poem, so here it is. Its about me and Hanners. I hope you like it...

SWEET PRETENSE

Tell me sweet lies and pretend for me
Show me all I'm not and what we'll never be.
Reveal my dreams for tomorrow and your hopes for yesterday
Tell me that you're leaving, even if you're going to stay

Whisper sweet nothings in my ear and pretend for me
Chain me here to your world and thereby set me free
Lock me up behind your eyes and keep me there all day
Please become my predator, let my need make me your prey

Make it sweet with sorrow and pretend for me
Keep your love a secret and make mine plain to see
Colour in all my blank spaces, paint me in shades of blue and gray
Turn me upside down and inside out, tell me how much I have to pay

Sweeten your world with my pain and pretend for me
Twist the truth a little with the shades of your reality
Break me down and wound me with your laughter and your play
Tell me what I really think using only words we cannot say

Let me be the sweetest one and pretend for me
Lead me from this wilderness when you're too blind to see
Make of me a virgin queen each time you roll me in the hay
Reforge my loss of stainless steel, and mold my victories of clay

Heather McLeather

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fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: My 2nd poem - 5/12/2011 11:07:22 PM

Arpig

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From: Increasingly further from reality
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It's a fucking weird one alright Heather. That being said, I like where you were trying to go. But the juxtapositions fall apart in places. You abandon them altogether in places without any pattern to it.

A lot of the imagery rings with symbolism. I especially like the repetition of "and pretend for me". To me that shows up the way we often cover up parts of ourselves for the sake of the relationship.

Individually, there's a lot if REALLY good lines:
~The 1st lines from the 1st, 3rd, 4th, & 5th stanzas
~Show me all I'm not and what we'll never be.
~Chain me here to your world and thereby set me free
~Please become my predator, let my need make me your prey
~Turn me upside down and inside out, tell me how much I have to pay
~Tell me what I really think using only words we cannot say
~Lead me from this wilderness when you're too blind to see

In all honesty, I'd file this one in the "not quite" folder either start all over with your basic sweet/pretend idea, or build other poems around the really good lines.

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RE: My 2nd poem - 5/15/2011 4:48:41 PM

HannahLynHeather

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Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
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Thanks for the honest appraisal. I'll take what you said into consideration.

Heather McLeather

< Message edited by HannahLynHeather -- 5/15/2011 4:49:28 PM >

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Arpig)

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