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xssve -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/21/2011 7:18:06 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
The obvious answer is that subs have feelings, whether allowed or not. How they're expressed and dealt with is individual with each Dom.
Best answer yet - you clearly have feelings.
Again, you say "uncomfortable", but no details, lot's of things can make you feel uncomfortable - some women have body issues, don't like being objectified, others might actually enjoy being called a "fat stupid slut" or a "sloppy old fuckhole" and not because they have a fragile self image, just the opposite, it allows them to stop being self conscious, to just let themselves go, because no matter how awful it might sound, the fact remains the dom is still there paying attention to her, and clearly enjoys her company, they have a rapport, a mutual affection - it isn't rejection, if he really had that low an opinion of her, he'd just kick her to the curb, no? It's often ore a matter of having a sense of humor about yourself, being PC or nice all the time can be a strain - lotsa women call you names right back - sensitive doesn't necessarily mean oversensitive, but it's it's usually a "heat of the moment" thing, the average person doesn't want that going on 24-7, if there's no rapport where you're both comfortable with it, one or both of you is going to be miserable.
Verbal abuse can get to be too much, even if you're into it, at some point, if you don't let up, it can be considered abusive. Others are very picky, they don't mind being called a fat slut, but they don't like being called dumb, or some other combination, everybody has something that rubs them wrong, so a certain amount of communication is called for, it can't be one way, not if it's going to last very long.
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It is complicated emotionally, you do have have a bit of a thick skin, if no other reason than you also have to deal with people who don't know you and love you for yourself, objectifying you and saying bad or worse - and meaning it.
So, there's a little bit of desensitization involved, a lot of people in this lifestyle just don't give a crap what anybody else thinks, but ultimately, what level, and how comfortable you are with that is a decision you have to make - if you're a Christian submissive, for instance, I don't imagine objectification and humiliation would be a big part of it, most women do prefer praise, some women just don't like dirty talk, let alone verbal abuse, but these are thing you will encounter, so to some extent you will have to adjust to more explicit language - men are generally confined to expressing much narrower subset of emotional range, we're expected to be all balls and thunder and that can be a bit limiting, so some of these things are actually tantamount to formulae, or code: you say, "slut", but it means something completely different than it might mean in a vanilla context. For Women of course, often the opposite, they're confined to the subset of "feminine", passive, emotions, have a hard time expressing more aggressive or confident emotions - there are women who are uncomfortable with anything but abuse, can't stand praise, bored shitless by sensitivity, but otherwise perfectly functional in every way.
Otherwise, there really are no rules here, what works for one couple is completely different than what works for another - the only thing they really have in common is the power exchange dynamic, the rest you can tailor to your personal preferences, and it's mainly a matter of finding someone who shares those preferences, every relationship has it's rocky points, and all relationships are to some extent a compromise between what you need and what you want, what you can live with and what you can't.
Anyway, I don't know if that's it, or if it's something physical you don't like, or some combination, but my motto is, if you ain't havin' fun, what the hell are you doin' it for?
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