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Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 12:55:57 PM

Yinx

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello,

My girlfriend wants me to be her Dom. I am not a Dom by nature, but I do have a sadistic side and I love the idea of having a D/s relationship with my girlfriend. I know a lot of people are sceptic when it comes to non-natural D's, but I believe that once I'm able to get myself into the right mindset (and ofcourse her) I'm able to get things rolling, despite not being a natural Dom.

Just to clarify, the D/s relation we're looking for isn't controlling every second of her life 24/7, but I do want a firm grip on what she can and can't do. I want her to feel submissive in my presence by doing subtle, basic things. Ofcourse, I also want to have full control in the bedroom, but I consider that the easy part.

I would like to hear some stories, suggestions, tips etc from Masters and subs alike how they would establish (or like to see being established) a subtle and dominant presence in daily life. with basic and subtle presence I mean ordering a drink of my choice for her when we're at a bar, holding her wrist when walking down the street or even when sitting on the couch watching TV. The important thing is that I want to be able to remind her of and confirm her place in ways that I can do at any moment and any time (even in public) with simple gestures and actions.
I'd like to hear any suggestion/opinion/tip!

< Message edited by Yinx -- 5/17/2011 12:56:48 PM >

RE: Creating a subtle dominant presence in daily life (... - 5/17/2011 1:01:21 PM

PdxJ

Posts: 195
Status: offline

Google is an awesome tool!

This should get you started: http://bestslavetraining.com/Slavemgt.htm

_____________________________

Imagine what you could learn if you could learn to imagine.

the 'Official Sunny Stalker'

(in reply to Yinx)

RE: Creating a subtle dominant presence in daily life (... - 5/17/2011 1:18:44 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

Learning the proper placement of the words "I" and "you" in the sentence. Example, while shopping, "I want you to go over to aisle 7 and grab these things, while I get stuff from here." No, it doesn't sound too "domly", but, it's a stepping stone. Get comfortable with small things like that, and build up from there.

If you think about it, D/s is just an advanced form of delegation. I COULD scream, but I want YOU to do it. I COULD go get myself a cup of tea, but, YOU go get me one, because I said so.

It's also about taking the first step of doing things for YOU, because YOU god damn well want to. No other reason. Again, starting small, "I'm going to buy myself a candy bar, because I want one. I don't NEED one, but I want one, so screw what anyone else thinks." Small internalized dialogue such as that when doing even the most mundane of things. Soon you'll be moving toward living your whole life in that manner. "I'm working at this place because I damn well please. Not because I HAVE to. I could go get another job. I could take some time off. But I want to be here, so I am."

Essentially, taking dominance over another person starts with taking dominance over yourself and your own life. Once you start doing that, others will naturally just WANT to follow.

That being said, there's a difference between being mindful of actions in life and their consequences, and being afraid of the consequences.

Think ahead and don't act rashly, but act in your own best interests. Keep mindful also that your own best interests are rarely the short term ones and not always in direct effect on you or your life, but society as a whole. Example: I blew WAY more money than I should have the other day. Yeah, kind of not the wisest thing I could have done, as it left me a little tighter than I like for this pay period. BUT, it was for a fund raiser which provides scholarships to GSA clubs in the state. Short term, I don't get to go out to the pub for dinner here more than once this week. Long term, I don't really lose anything, but gain the knowledge that I'm helping some people who will, at some point, be running the show and giving them a shot at higher education so that they have the opportunity to do great things in life.

Also keep in your thoughts that there is a BIG difference between being dominant and being a rude jackass. One makes you a leader, the other just makes you a rude jackass. There's no law that says a dom can't use words like "please" and "thank you". Nothing that says a dom can't help a little old lady reach something off the top shelf at a store, or hold the door for her or help her carry her groceries out to her car. It'll add to your own sense of self worth, when you can say "I did this, because I wanted to, and it brightened her day. I feel like a rock star because of it. I AM a rock star for the moment because of it." Others will see that in you as well and gravitate.

Essentially, be your own rock star first, and others will want to follow, just naturally.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to PdxJ)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 1:21:00 PM

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yinx

Hello,

My girlfriend wants me to be her Dom. I am not a Dom by nature, but I do have a sadistic side and I love the idea of having a D/s relationship with my girlfriend. I know a lot of people are sceptic when it comes to non-natural D's, but I believe that once I'm able to get myself into the right mindset (and ofcourse her) I'm able to get things rolling, despite not being a natural Dom.

Hell YA work the sadist side cuz it aint about what she wants. So if she wanted you to be her bitch or CD diaper wearing boy, how bout??? you get the idea.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 5/17/2011 1:24:35 PM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Yinx)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 1:27:59 PM

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

UH BK dude WTF Over???

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 1:30:00 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

UH BK dude WTF Over???

BadOne

Well, he wanted advice, tips, etc on how to be more "dominant", not being a "naturally dominant person". Helping with baby steps in that general direction. Subtle changes to make in everyday life. :) Pep talk for the win!

Also, yeah, I know... never thought you'd see a post that big from me, eh? ;)

~hands you a couple Haribo, Happy Cola gummi candies and wanders off~

< Message edited by BKSir -- 5/17/2011 1:43:07 PM >

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Creating a subtle dominant presence in daily life (... - 5/17/2011 2:26:21 PM

Posts: 248
Joined: 1/1/2011
Status: offline

THIS:

quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

Learning the proper placement of the words "I" and "you" in the sentence. Example, while shopping, "I want you to go over to aisle 7 and grab these things, while I get stuff from here." No, it doesn't sound too "domly", but, it's a stepping stone. Get comfortable with small things like that, and build up from there.

If you think about it, D/s is just an advanced form of delegation. I COULD scream, but I want YOU to do it. I COULD go get myself a cup of tea, but, YOU go get me one, because I said so.

It's also about taking the first step of doing things for YOU, because YOU god damn well want to. No other reason. Again, starting small, "I'm going to buy myself a candy bar, because I want one. I don't NEED one, but I want one, so screw what anyone else thinks." Small internalized dialogue such as that when doing even the most mundane of things. Soon you'll be moving toward living your whole life in that manner. "I'm working at this place because I damn well please. Not because I HAVE to. I could go get another job. I could take some time off. But I want to be here, so I am."

Essentially, taking dominance over another person starts with taking dominance over yourself and your own life. Once you start doing that, others will naturally just WANT to follow.

That being said, there's a difference between being mindful of actions in life and their consequences, and being afraid of the consequences.

Think ahead and don't act rashly, but act in your own best interests. Keep mindful also that your own best interests are rarely the short term ones and not always in direct effect on you or your life, but society as a whole. Example: I blew WAY more money than I should have the other day. Yeah, kind of not the wisest thing I could have done, as it left me a little tighter than I like for this pay period. BUT, it was for a fund raiser which provides scholarships to GSA clubs in the state. Short term, I don't get to go out to the pub for dinner here more than once this week. Long term, I don't really lose anything, but gain the knowledge that I'm helping some people who will, at some point, be running the show and giving them a shot at higher education so that they have the opportunity to do great things in life.

Also keep in your thoughts that there is a BIG difference between being dominant and being a rude jackass. One makes you a leader, the other just makes you a rude jackass. There's no law that says a dom can't use words like "please" and "thank you". Nothing that says a dom can't help a little old lady reach something off the top shelf at a store, or hold the door for her or help her carry her groceries out to her car. It'll add to your own sense of self worth, when you can say "I did this, because I wanted to, and it brightened her day. I feel like a rock star because of it. I AM a rock star for the moment because of it." Others will see that in you as well and gravitate.

Essentially, be your own rock star first, and others will want to follow, just naturally.

(in reply to BKSir)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 2:47:23 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

What BK said plus something else. What does she mean by dominant? Does she just want you to take control in bed or does she want more life direction? Does the idea of a punishment dynamic work for her or does it just make her angry or afraid? And what about you? Do you want her to do things for you without you telling her or do you want her to wait for your orders?

The more details the both of you can give, the more likely you'll be able to find a good, working relationship. Talk before you try things, pay attention during, and talk afterward. Both directly after and a couple of days after when you've both had time to process.

The more communication, the better.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to BKSir)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 4:57:51 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

shit. its not something you learn, you are or you aren't. you say you're not a natural dom, to me that means you're not a dom, period. if you alter your behaviour to suit her idea of what a dom should be like, you're the submissive.

what can you do to make her feel submissive? dominate the cunt. tell her what to do, do what you want with her. want her to strip naked as soon as she enters the house and crawl? make it so, just tell her "listen up slut, this is what you will do". want to let your buddies bugger her? tell her "head down, ass up, bitch, the boys are using your ass tonight."

every dom has his own style, find your own and run with it. that's what makes dominants dominants, they are who they are. don't try put on an act or to pretend, just be you. if being you isn't dominant, then no amount of role playing will make it so.

hannah lynn

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Yinx)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 10:15:43 PM

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

want to let your buddies bugger her? tell her "head down, ass up, bitch, the boys are using your ass tonight."

Uh, yeah.

OP, I wouldn't try anything like this unless you know for sure she is ok with it beforehand. The Dom who tried this with me would see my ass... as it went out through the door, because I would be gone.

The most important thing, IMO, is to remember that D/s relationships are still relationships, and not all that different from vanilla in the aspects of honesty, trust, and communication. Forgetting that in your attempt to take control and dominate your partner is a good way to screw up a great thing.

< Message edited by WyldHrt -- 5/17/2011 10:16:32 PM >

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

RE: Creating a subtle dominant presence in daily life (... - 5/17/2011 10:54:27 PM

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Sounds like being a gentlemen sadist (Top) would be a good starting point for you rather than donning false Domly airs. The reason I say this is because you seem insecure or at the very least, unsteady about your dominant side. If you were secure about it, you wouldn't have come here looking for help and/or assurance while defending the concept. You would have known in your heart the concept was right.

Another reason I suggest "Topping" is because this was not motivated by your nature, you heart or goals. Your goals are to "serve" your girlfriends needs. That is called a service Top. The very concept of Domming someone because they want you too . . . well, that says it all.

The Topping Book : Or, Getting Good at Being Bad
by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt
This is book was a very fun and informative read. It talks about the rights and responsibilities of the Top and what it is like to be a top. It tells you that Tops and bottoms are equals. Dossie and Catherine are always very good about including all genders, preferences, and relationships.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to BKSir)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/17/2011 10:59:58 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

OP, I wouldn't try anything like this unless you know for sure she is ok with it beforehand.

well duh, that's sort of a given. i'm sorry, i assumed the op wasn't a total idiot and that some things were obvious. it was an example of how to dominate..sorry i left out the issue of determining limits, that wasn't in his question, so i figured he already had that covered or wasn't interested.

quote:

The most important thing, IMO, is to remember that D/s relationships are still relationships, and not all that different from vanilla in the aspects of honesty, trust, and communication. Forgetting that in your attempt to take control and dominate your partner is a good way to screw up a great thing.

he wasn't asking how to maintain a d/s relationship, he asked how to dominate her. different things.

hannah lynn

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to WyldHrt)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/18/2011 4:44:12 AM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello Yinx. A lot of vanilla relationships sometimes indulge in kinky play. They may even out do any ''regulars'' in some situations but it is only play and not a D/s relationship. A lot of closet subs start their apprenticeship in the bedroom and with time expand this in day to day living. It is the same for some Doms that did not have a clue about their own tendencies or were culturally inhibited (brain washed vanilla style).

But for the opposite to happen, to start having a power dynamic to enhance the sexual one is doomed to failure. Kink is kink (sex) and D/s is a life style. You can have a very firm D/s going without any kink worth mentioning. You can have the kinkiest practices without the D/s.

In my humble opinion, D/s is not a part of BDSM. It is a part of culture. Hope this helped. RL.

(in reply to Yinx)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/18/2011 8:09:50 AM

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
if you alter your behaviour to suit her idea of what a dom should be like, you're the submissive.

In your world perhaps but I am DEVOUTLY happy that this is not true in my world. Sheez, if I wanted to be this detached from my life partner I'd just have gotten a blow up doll instead. I need A LOT more intimacy than that out of my relationship. Although I suppose the way Merc says it also applies, "Carol and I are both submissive to the relationship."

quote:

Yinx asked:
What about this bedroom crap?

Go ahead and explore. Stop worrying about what you need to do to be "dominant" yada yada and just do what comes naturally. It sounds like she's got some masochist in her and you've got some sadist. Wonderful. It's a chocolate and peanut butter thing. Go to town. You don't need an instruction manual. They go together naturally.

And what about outside the bedroom
Well, this gets trickier. Now I have to ask whether you're wanting to extend a sexual fantasy outside the bedroom or actually wield authority over another human? If it's the first, then just make up lots of sexy command. The most common one seems to involve not wearing underwear. She'll groove on them as will you. But if what you want is actual authority then you need to have an actual purpose to it. Saying "I want her to feel submissive" is another way to say, "I want to feel dominant". But why?

Ask yourself this question. Suppose that she suddenly woke up this morning totally surrendered in her head. She is yours in every imaginable way right down to the core of her soul. OK, you've got her. Now what are you going to do with her for the rest of your lives? After the first hundred blow job commands, then what?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/18/2011 3:15:48 PM

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

This is where a submissives checklist and a copy of the loving dominant come in handy.

Either you are dominant or you aren't, in my opinion it's a wiring thing. Sure you can get a patch kit to get by and "forfill what she wants" but as others have stated that's a service top...either you get something out of that or you don't.
I'm not huge on what label should be used, but I'm very much a my rules my way kind of person. EACH OF YOU go through the checklist and then decide what the situation will look like. Once agreements are made take the reins...or don't. Kinky play in the bedroom doesn't demand that you take control over everyday life....it's simpler in many ways, but not required.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/19/2011 10:43:52 AM

OwnedFemaleFlesh

Posts: 182
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
After the first hundred blow job commands, then what?

Ha ha ha ha! This is exactly what most men do when suddenly put in the position of Dominant. And then they have no idea what else to do with you.

To the OP, it's certainly worth giving some thought to what you actually want to do with her. She will feel submissive as a result of enough commands, but what commands is the question. You need to ask yourself what kind of associations you want to make - i.e. if she's bad, she'll be punished, if she's good, she'll be rewarded. But what's bad, and what's good and what's a punishment, and what's a reward, for her? If you want her to trust you when ordering drinks for her, then you'll need to start training her to accept your food choices (and you'll need to get a list of 'hard limit' foods from her so it doesn't go tits-up at the first try). If you want her to feel submissive in your presence, then perhaps you should make her adopt a certain pose when she sees you - by kneeling, or asking permission to leave the room / table etc.

The quickest way to make someone very aware of their submission, is to take away ordinary privileges that they enjoy all the time. They will constantly be having to think about what they are doing / saying and this will make them aware of the power exchange. Maybe think of what bad habits she has that you'd like to change, and tell her she won't be doing that anymore?

owned xxx

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/19/2011 3:00:08 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I'd suggest going with the things that are likely to yield positive results for you both.......no matter what they are.

Forget the *natural dominant* thing for now. I'm not a *natural submissive* but it hasn't hindered me being in a fully owned tpe relationship for years :)

I'm not actually used to M living his life doing the things he soley *wants* to. He spends an inordinate amount of time doing things for me and because of me. It's a pretty mutual *pleasing* thing going on here.

You can't go far wrong by asking your girlfriend about the things that SHE'D like to see happening, as it'll give you a source of ideas to use in the way YOU'D like to.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to Yinx)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/30/2011 5:43:34 PM

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

dom and sadist are two entirely different things, and you do not have to be one to be the other. if you are not dom by nature you will only end up role playing(which is not a bad thing) being strict sometimes, and then being soft will only send mixed signals and cause confusion.

(in reply to Yinx)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 5/31/2011 2:15:09 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/30/2011
Status: offline

I'm new to this site and also a beginner. My gf also wants me to be her dom. We have played a bit with ropes and blindfolds and spanking (she likes my wide belt) but she likewise is still a beginner sub. I've read through this thread and I've tried to sort through the mixed messages that were presented throughout.
Saying if you're not a natural dom then you'll never be... is like saying if you're not a natural gay, you'll never be. It's bullshit. Almost everything that we do as far as interaction with other human beings are learned traits. We either learned to assert ourselves or dominate others or submit to others for whatever reason ... it's a long process throughout our childhood. I'm not the same person I was 20-30 years ago and I'll probably not be the same person 10-15 years from now.
Presently my gf and I are in a LDR which should change sometime in the near future. At present she is experimenting/learning her role as a sub from other doms without commitment to them, basically finding out how far she's willing to go. I'm willing to learn and she asked one of the Doms what can I do and they replied that I should find a "mentor"...
Now I'm not 100% sure exactly what that will involve but if it means that I become a sub for a while to learn... then that's out of the question. I've far too much testosterone to submit to anyone. If it's observation and discussion then I think I can deal with that.
I love this woman and she loves me as well. I want to please her by letting her please me and do for me. I'm of mind that the man should dominate the relationship anyway and obviously she is of like mind. We want to make this work.
So any serious advice would be a good thing and appreciated.

(in reply to masterlink65)

RE: Novice Dom requires help! - 6/1/2011 12:02:01 PM

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

All the people telling you you can't do it are just jealous she is fucking you and not them. Just laugh and look at their woman, if they have one, and move on. Learning to do that is a major step toward being dominant.

Most of these dominants aren't so don't take their advice too seriously. Creating a relationship where someone begins to surrender to you is about walking a fine line between, your visions, hers, and where you want to end up.

You ride a horse not be just jerking the rains "thata way" but first by taking a wild colt and slowly teaching it that obeying your orders results in what it wants, you create that dynamic, only then can you pull on her rains and lead her where you want to go. Sometimes you trust the footing of the horse and sometimes you force it to go where you want to go, a smart blend of both gets you where you want to go, a bullheaded one either gets you thrown or a lame horse.

Be smart.

(in reply to DomCaver)

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